Viewing entries in
Beyond Compare

Comment

Why Comparison Matters - and How You Can Transform It

Tanya Geisler_Cue Cards _ Instagram Graphics (1).png

 

Since launching Beyond Compare, Lauren and I have been talking to a lot of people about comparison – why it matters, and how we go about transforming it.

Maybe all this comparison talk resonates immediately with you, or maybe it all seems a little abstract. So today, we want to share a little more about why we think compulsive comparison is a stumbling block for so many – as well as the framework we’ve developed for considering how comparison works.


Why Comparison Matters

In our extensive (professional AND – ahem – personal) research, we have come to understand that comparison tops pretty much any other Big Bad Beastie that gets in the way of our progress (again... professional AND personal).

Google “quotes about comparison” the next time you have a spare hour to kill to see just how ubiquitous it is.

When we are invited to do interviews about comparison, the invites are typically framed as “the #1 issue my listeners are grappling with.” It affects SO MANY OF US. (And while it affects each of us differently, if we’re being honest, most of us have been brought to our knees by its force on occasion.)

If you allow it to, Beyond Compare will help you to see where comparison may be...

  • stopping you from creating what you want
  • preventing you from activating your calling
  • making you feel (and play) small for fear of projections
  • keeping you from expressing yourself fully
  • causing you to disown your power (and hand it over to others).

It matters. Oh, how it matters. Only YOU can say for yourself just how much it matters –  personally and professionally.

How You Can Transform It

In our research, we have also come to understand comparison as a three-dimensional structure. On the one plane, we compare up (looking up to others in a way that “others” us from them) and we compare down (judging and disdaining others in a way that, you guessed it, “others” us from them).

On the other plane, we compare ourselves to others AND we experience others comparing themselves to us. Up or down. Whether we’ve been put on a pedestal or are judged harshly, the impact of “othering” once again endures.

So that’s the framework. It looks like this:

BeyondCompare-TheComparisonMatrix-750w.png

The big idea behind the work we’ve poured into the program is to offer real and substantive tools that move us from Disdain to Evaluation and from Hero-Worship to Celebration.


Here’s a nibble to whet your appetite for the delicious feast that is Beyond Compare:

Moving From Disdain to Evaluation

Evaluation emerges when we choose to engage critically with someone’s work or behaviour without making them, as a person, wrong. Respectful debate, thoughtful performance assessments, engaging a beloved friend in a difficult conversation: all of these exist in evaluation territory.

If you catch yourself stuck in Disdain territory, try this reflection to shift you into Evaluation:

  • Who do I judge for doing what I’m embarrassed to admit I do too? What’s the behaviour I’m ashamed of?
  • Who do I judge for behaving in ways I secretly wish I could “get away with?" What do I fear would happen if I behaved that way, too?
  • Where are the qualities that I disdain holding me back?
  • What could I do if I gave myself permission to embody those qualities?

Of course, this work has many more layers, but this is a place to start.

Moving from Hero-Worship to Celebration

To understand Celebration, think of a beloved teacher, close ally, or dear friend – anyone who inspires us to say, “I am better because of you.” They help us face and overcome challenges, by showing us our own strengths.

The energy here is a kind of curious equanimity: We notice difference and similarity, and make the most of both. We don’t value a person more or less because they possess a particular trait; we simply appreciate it, and ask how we can celebrate it, while also celebrating our selves.

To shift from Hero-Worship to Celebration, consider the following questions:

  • Who do I admire?
  • What do I admire about them?
  • When I consider these people, do I notice any common threads? If so, what are they?
  • Now, experiment with looking at those strengths and gifts, and telling yourself that you have the full potential to embody them. What would it look like if you allowed those parts of yourself more room?

What did you discover through these two exercises?

You may have noticed that the “fix,” in each case, is to quit focusing your energy on the other person and direct it squarely towards yourself. While it may feel like it’s the other person evoking a response in you, the reality is that your response is entirely within your control. You can choose Hero-Worship or Celebration, Disdain or Evaluation.

The freedom that comes from choice is the reason we created Beyond Compare. The freedom to create. The freedom to follow your own calling. The freedom to own your authority and succeed on your own terms.

Because we can taste that freedom. And we want it for you.

You too? Grab your copy of Beyond Compare here.

Comment

I'm Gonna Go Ahead and Skip the Middle Part

3 Comments

I'm Gonna Go Ahead and Skip the Middle Part

Respect your uniqueness and drop comparison. Relax into your being. – Osho

Tanya Geisler - Instagram Graphics - Nov 19.png

It’s probably true. I’m wanting to reinvigorate my yoga practice, so when I had the chance this morning, I probably should have done the WHOLE yoga practice.

That would have been impeccable of me.

But my mind was restless and my heart was only half in it and my lungs had checked out and my body was bored and asking for more. Much more.

It wanted to shake and flail and release and stomp and pound and that’s how I ended up dancing (more like flailing clumsily) for 30 minutes, starting with Spirit of the West’s "Home for a Rest." (A mainstay of all Canadian wedding receptions everywhere. Turns the dance floor into a raving mob of high-stepping lunatics. Guaranteed.)

So I should have deepened my commitment to my practice and I should have worked on my arm balances and I should be well-deep into savasana by now.

But I didn’t. And I’m sweaty. Like... really sweaty.


Over the past ten years that I’ve been doing this work in the online space, I’ve been thanked for being approachable. Accessible. A model of grace in imperfection. I deeply appreciate the gifts of every last acknowledgment.

But I’m not gonna lie: every time I get thanked for the last bit, a part of me bristles.

The part that wants to be perfect. Impeccable, even. Committed to her yoga practice. Shiny-haired. Polished.

The part that still believes after all this time that those things matter.

Because that’s how the patriarchal system has worked, you see. For thousands of years. (Being the best mother, friend, sister, daughter, wife, careerist, etc. whilst looking impeccable wins all. With extra points for glowing, not sweating.)

And every time I bristle, I am surprised. Of COURSE I am. I know the system’s bullshit. You know it's bullshit.

And then I have to go through a process of all my own tools, including the one where I forgive myself for wanting to be impeccable.

It’s exhausting. And, frankly, just like my wise, wise body was bored of my yoga practice, I’m bored of it.

I spend a lot of time talking about the Impostor Complex. Because what’s happening is that people discount their gifts, attribute their successes to outside influences, and internalize their failures as proof of their incompetence. Fear of being found out means they stop short. They opt out of situations and opportunities that would have them living up to and into their potential.

Yeah. Painful.

But the other part of the story, of course, is that when we CHOOSE to don the mask (consciously or otherwise), then we ARE acting out of integrity. We ARE showing up as frauds. Because, well, we’re not showing up as we really are.

Here’s at least two things that DO.NOT.WORK:

“Be the person your client wants to buy from.” and live in fear that they’ll find out you’re a fraud and the trappings are a façade.

“Fake it ‘til you make it.” this may get you out of the house (a good start, to be sure), but it doesn’t get you off the hook of being your self.


So I’m gonna go ahead and skip the middle part where I continue to half-heartedly don the weighty mask of perfection only to discover (once again) that it doesn’t fit, if it ever did.

And go straight to the place where I can do my best work. Unencumbered by expectations of what is or isn’t perfect and reveling in the appreciation for the many, many gifts I have been given. Rooting into proof-positive about what IS true about my skills, talents, and capacity. And activating from there.

(Flailing clumsily as the case may be. Which is its own special kind of impeccability.)

Because the systemic issues that have contributed to the creation of this phenomenon boggle the mind in their vastness.

We will need our hands free from holding up ill-fitting masks so they can tear down the system. Brick by gilded brick.

Skip the middle part with me, will you?

 


3 Comments

1 Comment

The real work BEYOND Beyond Compare.

In advance of the launch of the free 5-day Beyond Compare Intro Course (TODAY!), and on the heels of my judgment-free experiment, I decided I wanted to take a run at a full-on comparison-free day. I wanted to really test my mettle and see if I have fully integrated the deep learnings from the work the wondrous Lauren Bacon and I have been devoted to and developing for over TWO years with Beyond Compare. To see how often I found myself comparing myself to people who seem to have it all together. And/or? Comparing myself to the people I believed are doing it alllll wrong and need to get it together.

I had imagined that to have a “successful” comparison-free day, I may need to ask someone to hold me accountable (no problem there). Or lay off social media (a little more challenging). Or hold off on any non-essential conversations (near impossible for me).

In the end, I didn’t need to do any of those things. I set my intention to AWAKE and went about my day.

Refresher: Comparison isn’t bad. It’s a teacher. And can be an excellent one.

Transforming the comparison habit isn’t about turning comparison OFF. It’s about turning awareness ON. (Tweet this.)

Back to my comparison-free day. In all that I did, I sniffed around for places I might slip into Hero-Worship or Disdain. But what happened was pretty benign: "Oh look at what she’s up to. Cool. What a fantastic match for her. What (if anything) does this tell me about my own desires?"

I felt pretty virtuous when I came out squeaky clean on the other side of the day, truth be told. Turns out all of this work I’ve been doing about bringing consciousness to comparison…IS ACTUALLY WORKING!

And then, I did that thing we always do right after we’ve confronted and (almost) healed something. I mourned the time I’ve wasted. (I know, I know…talk about a waste of time.) I felt pissed off about all the energy and creativity I’ve allowed to stay locked ‘n blocked in comparison. All the opportunities I missed to fully show up. All the things I didn’t say or write when it needed to be said or written. All the times I hid ostrich-like beneath the weight of why bother or I can’t because she’ll do it better.

So yes, I’m mourning and pissed and annoyed. And RELIEVED. Relieved to feel the fullness of the freedom here and now. Feeling the full expanse of my outstretched arms, awakened to a fresh new day after a long and deep slumber.

Which means it’s time for me to get to work.

Meaning the only person I need to compare myself to is me. The me I know I am free to step into.

The me who is (becoming more and more and more) aligned and conscious. Who is done with being enraged by complacency, and is ready to face challenging truths, and to make decisions of meaning, and to say what needs to be said, (and oh yeah, following through with action), and to risk failing, and to be gobsmacked by grace, and to be brought to my knees by sorrow, and to be completely and messily undone by love, and to turf the metrics that don’t translate to heart, and to say yes rather than no when it’s right for me (and while we’re talking about this, when did it become so hot to say no?), and to turn my face back towards mother earth, and to know that I know what I know, and because of that? Demand more of myself. It’s in me.

It’s ON me.

Always has been. Comparing myself to others (in the manner that I was, that is to say, unconscious) was a handy distraction. Lolling around lotus-eater-like in somnolent apathy. Wasting time. Wasting gifts. Wasting self.

No more.

Now the real work begins.

Eyes on your own papers, Loves. We’ve got work to do.

+++++++

I want you to get to this place beyond compare, too. Beyond the stronghold that binds your creativity and limits your capacity.

If this resonates with you, check out our free 5-Day Beyond Compare Intro course. Massive change can happen in small increments.

 

1 Comment

17 Comments

The unconscious quality of judgment. And Mötley Crüe.

The overnight clerk at the grocery store apologized as she rang in the milk and cat food. Sorry to keep you waiting, she said. I was just over in floral wrapping the flowers. No problem, I answered. Are you often all over the store on the overnight shift?

Yeah…I just keep really busy to pass the time. If I sit, time drags on and I seriously just can’t wait to get out of here. I noticed her name.

I’LL BET. You must fall dead asleep the second you get home.

No way, she laughed. I have too many shows to watch on my PVR.

(I’m not proud of this. Not for a second. But it was in that moment that I felt the first unconscious stirring of judgment of the day. It tends to show up when I hear people rushing through life to get to their TV sets. How dare I? I know, I know.)

Oh yeah? What’s going to be waiting for you?

She scanned her memory for the schedule as she scanned my kale. Should be Dancing with the Stars and America’s Got Talent. I hope, she grinned.

Genuinely curious and thinking of my friends who are big dancers, I said: Sounds like you’re pretty keen on dancing. Do you ever get out and get your own boogie on?

She laughed again. Honey? I’m just not a ‘getting out’ gal any more. I used to go out and play darts almost every night. We’d even go to tournaments out of town twice a month. But now? I’m 52 and prefer to stay home.

Really? I asked as stirring judgment #2 had me feeling a pang of sympathy that she’d already started to “give up”.

Buuuuuuut. No.

Oh yeah. I love heavy metal and there’s no dancing to that, so I just crank it at home and rock out. I also have a dart board in my living room and if I have a six-pack and my man and some friends? It’s all I need. When I DO go out, it’s to a concert. Going to Mötley Crüe this weekend. And we just got tickets for Judas Priest in November.

(Her eyes were gleaming as she said that last part. It was...awesome.)

I am seriously in love how clear you are about what you want in your life, I said.

Sweetie, I was in an abusive relationship for 19 years. Never again am I wasting time on anything that doesn’t feel good or right for me.

Boom.

I paid up, she wished me a fantastic day and we parted ways. I sat in the car, realized how schooled I’d just been. Wondering why I felt so low after I went in feeling so high.

Because here was my morning up until that 5:50 am conversation.

Woke up. Said a welcoming prayer to the day before my feet hit the floor.

Went downstairs to feed the cats (saw we were out of food), drank hot water + lemon as I made a pot of coffee (saw we were out of milk), hit the meditation mat in front of my crystals-adorned altar, then kissed my husband and headed out to the store, feeling all high vibe + holy.

Walked the aisles feeling immense gratitude for my life, for the day ahead (settling back at my desk after some fantastic time away), house renovations nearing completion, husband feeling in flow, happy daughter heading to day two of horseback riding camp, incredible new clients and invitations showing up and generally, feeling the fullness of it all.

So it was with that beaming joy that I met her. And in less than one minute, I tripped over the rug of my unconscious judgment. Replacing the feeling of joy with the feeling of shit.

Judgment and comparison is like that.

Whether we compare up. Or whether we compare down.

So, I sat in the car, recognizing it for what it was. Giving thanks for my Mötley Crüe-loving Teacher this morning.

Reminding me to continue to do my work in transforming my own judgment habits.

Reminding me to deepen into the content that Lauren Bacon and I have so lovingly, patiently and attentively created with Beyond Compare. (More to come...stay tuned.)

Reminding me to bring consciousness to the unconscious.

Reminding me just how far I still have yet to travel.

High vibe and holyReminding me that high vibe + holy requires consciousness off the mat. (Tweet this)

Reminding me all that I forget.

Saturday night, I’m gonna raise a metal salute to her. In the meantime, I intend to bring full attention to where I go unconscious and judge.

Whether it’s someone else’s shoes, decisions, choices, car, taste, content, perspective, ideas. I’ll be noticing it all.

 

I may not love what I find out, but it will move me closer to my centre. And that’s where high vibe and holy ACTUALLY sync up. And where real change can happen.

Join me?

17 Comments

4 Comments

Design your 2015…in ten minutes flat.

I want to tell you all of the magical things that happened in 2014. (Celebration loves company and you are exquisitely good company.) I want to tell you about the brilliant lights who showed up for Step into Your Starring Role(and the ways that they’ve shaped their worlds in their claimed roles). I want to say more about my dreamy collaboration with Lauren for Beyond Compare and the ripples of impact that we’re seeing from those who have stepped into the depths of the work.

I want to tell you about the conversations, the meals, the interviews, the travel, the breakthroughs, the healing, the community, the opportunities and the highs Highs HIGHS that made 2014.

AND? The LOWS, Lows, lows of 2014. It’s all part of the glorious jumble that is this messy and blessed life.

But…I’m feeling way more called to be useful and helpful to YOU.

So let’s put the focus on YOU. Specifically, on your 2015.

I know you’re busy. I know I know I know. And? If you take me up on this wee task, I promise it will be a gift to you that you’ll thank us both for, so pour a second (third?) cup of rooibos or Peet’s and DO THIS NOW.

Write a letter to yourself from December 30th 2015.

Remember your 5th grade teacher had you write one of these? Thrilling to see all that YOU made happen in 12 short months, wasn’t it?

Write it but good. Free form, like you’re writing to yourself…’cause you are. Quirky, like you. Charming, like you. Effusive, like you. Truthful, like you.

It’s a letter of all that you’ve seen and experienced and won and conquered and overcome and delivered and done and healed and enjoyed in 2015. Write it from the perspective that all of these wondrous things have happened…’cause you’ve made ‘em happen.

If this takes more than ten minutes, you’re probably overthinking it.(Maybe something to consider overcoming in 2015?) And if what you write doesn't quicken your heart rate, you're probably low-balling it. (Maybe something ELSE to consider overcoming in 2015?)

Notice how the “theme” and the “word” and all other goal-setting 101 staples that you’ve been struggling to name start to reveal themselves. Notice how the plan you’ve been white-knuckling to map out starts to take shape.

And then you’ll see, really see how magical things happen when we remove ourselves from another’s plan and align with our own inner whisperings.

TAKE NOTE: This letter isn’t about the “how’s”.

Leave plenty of space for serendipity to take its place. Or put another way? Know that those “how” details are already being handled backstage by your trusty subconscious stage hands. Leave it to them for now. 

Once you’ve signed “With love, from 2015 Me”, I have a request.

Send it to me.

Let me help hold this exquisite vision of yourself for 2015.

I promise it’ll be kept in sacred confidence and held with love, care and belief. (It’ll go straight to my personal email address…no one else on my team will see it). Just you, me and the universe will know of the joy that 2015 has in store for you.

Yes yes?

All righty then.

Write on and send it to me.

I’ll be fireside awaiting your responses.

Thank you for helping me create the magical year that was 2014.

It was.

And 2015? Phew. Hot stuff.(The word that showed up for 2015 in my own letter was "UP". THAT feels about right.)

xx


4 Comments