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Worship Wisely

Beyond Compare: It's ready for you.

If you allow it to, Beyond Compare will help you to see where comparison: may be stopping you from creating what you want; may be preventing you from activating your calling; may be making you feel (and play) small for fear of projections; may be keeping you from expressing yourself fully; and, may be allowing you to disown your power (and hand it over to others).

Blinded by jealousy?

It's not your fault. That’s what jealousy does.It blinds you. Or, more accurately, it only allows you a partial view of someone’s fortune, life, experience and obscures the rest. And because we humans just can't cope with uncertainty, we fill in the blanks with our imaginations.

A little something like this:

If someone you’re eyeing is enjoying the success you desire, then they must also be enjoying the intimacy you crave. If they have the friendships you dream of, they must also have the financial stability you yearn for. This AND that.

Jealousy deals in absolutes, with little room for nuance or space for discernment. AND? With little allowance for the capital “t” Truth.

We see what we choose to see and are blind to the rest. 

Maybe you know that the French word for jealousy is “jalousie”. But did you also know that a “jalousie” is also a window shutter with angled horizontal slats? Also know as a...(wait for it)...“blind”?

Funny thing about jalousies…they are designed to allow you to see outside without being seen yourself.

(You see where we're going here, right?)

Yeah…jealousy and blind go hand in hand.

But, of course, jealousy is also an on-point teacher. A snarling, frothing, lusting, hot-breathed swamp dog of a teacher, mind you, but an on-point teacher just the same. Within what you choose to see (and what you've made up that you see) lie your desires:  success, intimacy, relationships, and financialstability.

Knowing what you want, of course,  IS the first step in making what you want to happen, HAPPEN.

And here's what I want for you:

I want for you to come out from behind the blinds that offer such a limited view of others. And such a limited view of yourself and what's available. 

I want you to experience the fullness of the person you feel jealousy towards. And to experience the fullness of yourself. Just add curiosity.

I want for you to see how relative this all is.

I want you to bring some compassion into the fold. For you. For them. For the next time you feel jealous (and you will).

I want you to see, REALLY see, that the magnificence that you've projected onto them is but a prism caught in the light of your own magnificent potential

I want you to get out from behind the blinds of jealousy and into that light.

Because the light, the light...oh it's so very much warmer in the light.

+++++

Beyond Compare is coming soon. Tackling shadows, light, projections, jealousy, and judgment, so you can be free to do your good work. Breaking the comparison habit for good feels so...good.

Early notification, special offers and the Beyond Compare Starter kit...right this way.

Comparison: the chronic, persistently annoying THING that just won't go away.

Right before the first coaching session with a new client, I have them answer my “Quintessential Questions”.  Seven power-packed q’s that help to name the deeeeeeep and delicious stuff that gets our work started on the right foot. My favourite questions is:

What is it that seems to be chronic, persistently annoying or that just won’t go away?

It tends to send people into two directions:

  1. This is what wants attention.
  2. This is what wants to be released.

Of course, the real honey shows up along the third path.

  1. This is what needs attention and wants to be released.

I haven’t made a scientific study of this, but when I grab a stack of client files and go looking for the answer to that q, “comparison” rises to the top time and time again.

Which doesn’t surprise me.

It would have been my answer too.

Comparison and its seemingly infinite long-tail have been wound around my legs most of my life.  And it’s ensnared me more times than I care to count...in a myriad of ways.

  • Whipping my head from side to side to see what everyone else was doing only gave me whiplash, not a better sense of what I “should” be doing.

  • Keeping my eyes on somebody else’s path just made me lose my footing on the steep and jagged rock cliffs of progress.

  • Projecting my light so brightly onto others just made me forget it was mine to begin with, leaving me to flounder in the dark.

  • Deferring my expertise and power left me without my sense of sovereignty…and left me flushed with shame…for having done.IT.again.

So yeah, I'm intimate with that particular brand of pain.

In fact, in my TEDx talkFrom Impostor to Authority, this piece of content that showed up in the first seven drafts of my talk ended up on the cutting room floor, never to be uttered:

A request: Worship wisely.

 

  • Recognize that no one ELSE is ever THE Authority.
  • Those that we want to canonize are finding their own path and wrestle with their own Impostor Complexes. They don’t see themselves as THE authority either…because they are not. (No one is)
  • We canonize people and then persecute them when they don’t live up to our expectations.
  • We are killing creativity with canonization.

Yep. I cut it from the final version…it felt too raw. Too risky. Too…something.

But my desire to address this topic wouldn’t, couldn’t go away. The narrative arc of how we canonize someone we admire to the point of disconnecting from them, then demonize them, well, that has always felt like the missing piece on our collective paths to actually stepping into our great work. Our starring role.

We fear that once we become too big, too famous, too…something, then people will disconnect from us. Because we’ve seen it. Because we’ve done it.

Ugh. I feel that dead smack in the middle of my heart. 

So yes. Chronic. Persistent. Not going anywhere.

But then July 3rd, 2013, Lauren Bacon and I got on the phone for the very first time. And I shared this painful piece with her. I gave it voice, because, well, I knew:

1. This is what wants attention.

If I’m being honest, I think my unconscious intention was to pretty much hand it over to Lauren and say here’s this scary thing…can you take it on for me so that I can be rid of it because:

2.   This is what wants to be released.

Well. That’s not what happened. Of course not.

In that very first conversation, it was apparent that this was work deeply oh-so-very important to BOTH of us. Something we wanted to heal for ourselves. For our clients. The goosebumps on our arms showed us that. So we heeded the call. We dug in.  For the past year, we have spent 90 minutes on the phone EVERY.SINGLE.WEEK drafting, crafting, sweating, incanting and creating the most fulsome (and complete...for now) work we’ve come across on this topic.

Because it turned out #3 was once again the sweetest path:

3.  This is what needs attention AND wants to be released.

Released, but as an offering. And it’s just about ready for you. For your discovery. (Yes, it used to be called Worship Wisely and it used to be a group program. But it told us it wanted to be something else. And we listened. We always listen.)

 

Powerful, propulsive and illuminating questions that will help you see what might be possible for you beyond compare. (Hint: it just might smell like freedom.)

Read (beyond) the label.

We want to be received for the fullness of who we are. There can be no doubt. Never is this more palpable than when we are complimented for a certain way of being. In the moment and at our best, we receive it and feel appreciated. (Even as we may squirm a little in discomfort. Yeah, it’s what we do.) But how many times have you gone back to the compliment and felt a pang of longing for a more panoramic view of your being? A pang of “but I’m so much more than just ______, aren’t I?” A desire to be seen for the whole being that you are.

There’s an excellent chance that that very compliment is one of the formative labels that you were assigned when you were very, very young. (There may have been more, but it’s the one you heard the most often.) You wore it with intention as a way of being understood and seen in the world.

“Little Miss Sunshine”? Check.

It’s been a home base of sorts. When you go to a party, you know how you’re supposed to act. What’s expected of you. Bring the lampshade, Wild One.

But the compliment feels incomplete because it IS incomplete. It is but one shining facet of the brilliance that you are.

No, no, please don’t disown it. It’s the stock base of the soup that is your deliciousness.  But it’s just ONE part of the soup. It’s the other ingredients that give it depth and substance. The otherselves that you keep high on the shelf for fear that people won’t like the taste.

See yourself the way you want to be seen

Yes.

Take some time to consider the following::

  • What label were you given when you were younger?
  • Where do you still default to it?
  • What praise do you seek?
  • What criticism do you avoid?
  • How are they related?

And one final place to look: what assumptions are you making about what people expect of you?

Next time, see what happens when you leave the lampshade at home.

 

When the desire for connection backfires.

Most of my clients are reticent to take action that will run the risk of compromising their strong value(s) of connection.

It’s really the basis of our fear of success.

I get it.

Fully and completely. So when they feel called forth to step into their starring roles, they tend to look at a belief that when they start to gain a bigger audience -- a wider platform or generally become more successful (in whatever metrics that support their vision) -- their time will be strained, they’ll be required to be less accessible and they’ll become more disconnected. This can be an unsettling place to look. Because their fear isn’t JUST about losing connection with others (which is more than weighty enough, thank you very much.) It’s also about what happens when people disconnect from us. Take the following narrative, played out on the cover of any tabloid, at any time, in any grocery store.

A Hollywood starlet begins her ascent as her talents are noticed and appreciated. Then she starts to become revered. Maybe even adored. Possibly worshipped. And then, something begins to shift. The tides turn and she becomes the target of mean-spirited gossips. Fat-shaming. Lies and scandal.  The bigger the star, the more vitriolic the attacks. Mean sells, after all.

The message is clear. The greater the heights, the more popular you become, the greater the risk of being cut down to size.

In the blink of an eye, you can go from revered to reviled.

From worshiped to condemned.

And the fulcrum point between canonization and demonization may well be disconnection.

Who wants that? It’s not just the fate of Hollywood stars, though, is it? Academics, entrepreneurs, blog stars, artists…we see it all the time. Pushed off of the stage that they have earned, or shoved off of the pedestals onto which they were forced. They become too popular and then they are attacked by the critics who fling their assaults from the safety of anonymity. For their weight. For going mainstream. For not staying in a box. For evolving. For celebrating. Like Brené Brown shares with Oprah about her experience with reading the comments about her transformative TED talk (on VULNERABILITY, no less)::

People were saying things like "Less research, more Botox" and "Maybe you'll be 'worthy' in 20 pounds." And they all were anonymous, which is such—well, crapola! I'm not going to cuss, but it's chicken. So one day I sent my husband, Steve, to work, I sent my kids to school, and I sat on the couch in my pajamas and watched ten hours of Downton Abbey. I ate some peanut butter. I was like, This is not worth it, man. I'm not doing this anymore. I didn't want to go back to my world, where all that hurt was. So instead I started googling to find out what was happening in the United States during the Downton Abbey period. That's when I found the Theodore Roosevelt quote. He said, "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs.... [And] if he fails, at least fails while Daring Greatly." In that moment, my life changed. You know when you hear something and you're just ready?

Yes. Yes I do. (You too?) (BTW:: Alexandra Franzen has done the most magnificent job of smacking down hate-blogging cyber-bullies.)

But you and I, we’re NOT those anonymous insult-slingers…how does this relate to us?

Well, if you’ve read this post, you may have seen yourself where you disconnect from those you admired. Part of the reason this happens is due to the fact that we may have projected our desires onto them. We see someone doing something that we admire we may feel an affinity towards them, possibly because they are so relatable. And they model something that we deeply want. Mastery, excellence, authority, or talent. And we may feel a gap from where we are to where they are. A gap that wants to be filled by connection and proximity. But when that’s not available to us, we try to fill the gap with projections. Beliefs about that person. Stories. “What would ______ do?” can be a powerful question to hotlink you to the value that the person represents for you, but it’s not TRUTH. It’s still story. And it’s not connection. It’s projection. Which is the genesis of disconnection. The very antithesis of what we were trying to achieve in the first place. Because somewhere along the line, we start to believe that story. And rest assured that said story won’t align with the subject of our admiration’s actions. So, the bloom falls off of the rose. What happens next depends on the cast of characters involved.

So if we see tabloids doing it to stars, and we see ourselves doing it, then it stands to reason that we can expect our people to disconnect from us too, non?

Ah. Connecting the dots between how we can perceive and treat others and how we expect we’ll be perceived and treated is the objective here. Once we can see that clearly, then we are free to see and heal the fears we have about stepping into our own starring roles.