Self Love begins with Values

 

(I’m delighted to have been asked to write about Values for a blog series put together by Molly Mahar of Stratejoy.  She’s organized a blog crawl + Treasure Hunt where 26 writers I admire are blogging about self-love. Please be sure to go check their posts out.)

I say “delighted” in the intro above because I truly was. And then, I became overwhelmed. Surprisingly quickly.

See, as juicy as values are, they are so foundational to self-love that it’s almost impossible for me to uncollapse the two. And values form the most basic level of the work I get to do as a coach. I could write a book about values. Two books. Maybe three. And self love? Yikes…don’t even get me started.

But I have just one blog post to write.

So, as I do when I feel overwhelmed, I went rooting through the closet of my values to see which one could help me out of this pickle.

There it was: simplicity.

(Knowing your values allows you to cut through the vines of your thought with machete-like discernment.)

And it really is JUST this simple: to know you IS to love you.

It’s rare that you can love that which you do not know.

So, let’s get to know you.

Spelunking for Values

Values, by the way, aren’t necessarily what you VALUE. Nor are they necessarily morals, ethics, or principles.

To be sure, when you are living from your values, there is a sense of “rightness” for YOU, but that’s not to say that values are intrinsically virtuous.

They are your own unique thumbprint of who you are. At your core. From the inside out.

Now, that innate “rightness” (also known as “resonance”) is a pretty powerful metric in learning what your values are. You can uncover some of your core values by thinking back to a time when you felt at your best. Like everything was right with the world and time could stand still. Conjure that moment and jot down what was going on, who was there, how you were feeling. That’s called “Peak Experience” and it’s a doozy for getting clarity.

Also notice what you’re always insisting upon, who you admire, and what makes you crazy (the flip of that emotion is likely a value).

At this point, you’ve got yourself a pretty robust sense of what makes you tick.

In the spirit of Molly’s ABCs, here are some values that my clients tend to own (this list is by no means exhaustive…nor is it a shopping list from which to load up your cart).

A – Adventure, authenticity, achievement

B – Beauty, bodaciousness

C – compassion, caring, community, connection, congregation, creativity, courage

D – Determination, duty, delight, diversity, discovery

E – Ease, excitement, energy, elation, efficiency, excellence, equality

F – Fun, freedom, flow, faith

G – Generosity, gratitude

H – Health, happiness, hope, humility, honesty

I – Innovation, intimacy, independence, integrity

J – Joy, justice

K – Kindness, knowledge

L – Love, luminosity, leadership, luxury

M – Mastery, meaning

N – Nature

O – Optimism

P – Power, peace, pleasure, performance

Q – Questioning, quality, quiet

R – Resourcefulness, respect, responsibility

S – Sharing, sensuality, success, simplicity

T – Trust, truth, transparency

U – Understanding, unity

V – Vision

W – Worthiness, wholeness, wisdom

X – Excitement (erm…)

Y – Yummy factor

Z – Zen, zest

See which ones show up in your work, and claim them as your own.

Rating your Values

Now that you have your list of say, 10 or 15 top values, rate each of your values on a scale of 1-10. How alive and well is that value in your life right now (one being the lowest and ten being the highest).

Given that you are human and have a pulse, Imma gonna guess that some values are rated pretty high and some have been taking a beating of late. And, if you feel any discontent in your life right now, it will become pretty clear why when you see which values have been ignored.

Let me be clear. This is not about you doing something wrong. Living fully from your values isn’t always comfortable. Just ask anyone with a core value of authenticity. Often, they must make choices to honour that value at the risk of saying some hard truths.

But selling out on your values is the quickest way to selling out on your self. A most inelegant act of self-loathing.

And we’re about self-love, right?

Onward.

Action

If you’ve identified that some of your top values have been a bit unloved as of late, make note of which ones need the attention and make a plan of action.

Also notice that you’re always moving towards, or away from a value.

Say you decide that you need ramp up the yummy factor in your life (a common value my clients are desiring more of) you can ask in a moment:

“Will this decision move me towards or away from the yummy factor?”

Or if you’ve identified that you’re missing ease, ask yourself:

“How can this (task, project, decision) be easier?”

Electric truth in the form of elegant simplicity.

Now, tap into that creative value of yours. What actions can you take to shine the love on your value of beauty, freedom, adventure, gratitude, pleasure?

Beauty? Adorn your night table with trinkets of gorgeousness. Freedom? Commit to clearing a day for white space, by lovingly saying no to dissonant obligations. Adventure? Lose the city map and go for a stroll in a new part of town. Gratitude? Journal your gifts. Pleasure? Well, I’ll leave that one up to you.

Love up those values but good. And in doing so, you’re loving yourself up.

Purely, resonantly and honestly.

Hallelujah.

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Thing Finding Thursday with Matthew Stillman of Stillman Says

 


“Where creativity and wisdom make out on top of your problem.”

Okay. That is some good, good copy. It’s not mine, it’s Matthew Stillman’s. You’ve heard of him…he’s the guy that hangs out in NYC’s Union Square and offers creative approaches to what people have been thinking about. You know…their PROBLEMS (so what if the word “problem” is taboo in the magical world of self-discovery).

“Stirring what is stagnant within you”


“The art of the reframe with the science of the wise”

Seriously. I can’t stop. It’s all just too good.

You should also know this from his site:

Matt conceived of, wrote the treatment for and co-produced a feature length documentary film about the origins of poverty and why it persists in a world with so much wealth. His film, called “The End of Poverty?” premiered at the Cannes Film Festival and was featured in over 40 festivals around the world. Matt has spoken at the United Nations about the film and poverty four times as well as many other educational and socio-political forums.

Currently Matt is developing a study to radically transform the property tax system in New York City.

Not just another guy “de-problemizing through high weirdness” in Union Square and a really green wall in his apartment. Nope, he’s an original, to be sure. And a truly generous person.

So there was NO WAY I could continue talking to people about their things without talking to Matthew about his. And, of course, yours.

Interview with Matthew Stillman for Thing Finding Thursday

Look for the gaps, note the aversions, stay in some uncomfortable places, and play with the purpose of play.

Oh yes.

Tweetworthy StillmanSays-isms (for your sharing pleasure

  • You need to be willing to stay in some sort of uncomfortable spots and see what opens up there. @StillmanSays http://ow.ly/8PjhN  #TFThurs
  • (When we’re young) our radiance goes out in 360 degrees. @StillmanSays to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8PjhN  #TFThurs
  • (As we age, we feel loss b/c) we’ve lost access to three quarters of our being. @StillmanSays to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8PjhN #TFThurs
  • The game being infinite is more important than winning a particular game. @StillmanSays to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8PjhN  #TFThurs
  • Be kind to yourself. You’ve done so much work already. @StillmanSays to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8PjhN  #TFThurs

Transcript of edited interview (for your reading pleasure)

Matthew:  Well, one of my things–the thing that people who are online probably know about me most–is my website, stillmansays.com. And that is an experiment that I’ve started which I’ve turned into a business, which is a report of my time spent sitting out in Union Square in New York City, where I live.

At Union Square, I sit with two folding chairs and a table, with a sign that says “Creative approaches to what you’ve been thinking about” and a smaller sign that says, “Pay what you like or take what you need.” I sit out there for 10 hours a day or so, a couple of days a week, when the weather is appropriate, and just talk with strangers about anything at all that they need a creative approach to.

And it’s been everything from as simple as “I need a name for my novel,” or “I have a relationship problem,” or “something going on with my business,” to “I need help finding my spirit animal,” or “I have a dispute with a neighbour,” or “I need to find a new religion,” or “I need help avoiding getting murdered.” It could be anything at all, and I hopefully help people look at the situation they’re in in a very creative way.

Matthew: And then, seeing it differently, it may be figured out. It might not be figured out. Or it might just be seen in its proper or different perspective, which allows you to have a different relationship with it. You know, so often we think that the only way to get into a house is through the front door; but sometimes it’s the back door. Sometimes it’s through a window. Sometimes you need to dig a hole underneath the house and crawl up through the floorboards.

Tanya: “De-problemizing through high weirdness,” this is from your site, this is what you do–I was totally gob-smacked by the genius of that.

How do you go from the time, the opportunity, people say you’re really good at de-problemizing through high weirdness, and then you just sort of say, “Yeah, you know what? Union Square: What it’s really missing is a desk, and two chairs, and these two signs. And me!

Matthew:  Well, I guess that’s part of my charm, that I was willing to say, “This is the thing that’s missing.” I didn’t know that it was going to turn into a blog or a years-long experiment. I thought I was going to just do it! But on the first day I went out there, it just worked. And it was very clear I could keep doing this.

Tanya:  Right, right, okay. Your last post, or the most recent one that I read, is–I’ve forgotten the title now.

Matthew:  The baby feet one and St. Anthony?

Tanya:  The baby feet! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Matthew:  It’s a good one.

Tanya:  I’m really in love with this idea of lost or forgotten voices, and in the realm of thing-finding, I really think that there’s something magical and beautiful about listening for those lost or forgotten voices.

Matthew: When we are children, and when we’re born, we are treasured by and large for all our qualities. People love us for our selfishness, they love us for our screaming. So all our voices, for a time, are available to us. And for lack of a better analogy, they go out in 360 degrees. Our radiance goes out in 360 degrees.

And after a certain amount of time, we’re told by our parents, and our caretakers, and society, “You know, we love you, but it really would be helpful if you were a little less selfish, you shared more, you were quieter, you were–” and it’s not done out of malice, it’s done out of sort of getting you into a system which can really be useful. But we start to close down and put into a bag the other voices that we have, because they’re not appreciated or heard. They’re too different.

And so, I’m making up a number, but let’s say you’re 10, 12, 14, 16, 20–you have practice putting three quarters of yourself into a bag behind you, and we don’t listen to those voices any more, because it makes our life too complex to listen to these other voices. And similarly, because we have to make so many choices every day, we streamline ourselves to say, “You know what? It’s easiest if I just listen to these particular voices. I’ve got to get to particular outcomes faster.” And because the world that we live in requires speed and efficiency, we move along with that, and say, “You know what? I’m just going to listen to the voices that are easiest, and get me to the place that I want to be and feel comfortable and safe in.”

And then, we have cut ourselves off from three quarters of our being, because there is 90 degrees which is presentable and useful, and the rest of it is not appreciated. So that leaves us feeling, later in our lives, “Why do I feel vacant? Why do I feel closed off? Why do I feel like the same things are happening?” Because we’ve lost access to three quarters of our being.

Tanya:  I’ve got a seven year old daughter, and she was super proud of an award she came home with, she was awarded in front of the whole school; it was an empathy award. And about a week later, I was talking with her teacher and he said, “It was great to see her so proud of that award. You know, she’s a bit too sensitive, though.”

Matthew:  Ugh!

Matthew:  Yeah. I mean, for me, the fact that he said that to a girl in particular. You know, more broadly speaking, so many women are essentially forced to harden themselves and to cast aside some of the core elements of their femininity early. And I’ve seen too many girls sacrificed on the altar of progress and forward movement and they lose all their softness, or enough of it that they just become something different.

 Matthew:  You just want to be able to open the door, to say, “Here’s A voice.” And see if—if you’ve been carrying around a bag with three quarters of your identity for thirty-plus years, it might be terrifying to look it there, because if you were dragged in a bag for thirty years, you’d be furious! So it is, often, scary to look at those voices. I might say, it’s worth looking at the things that you have a very strong aversion to, and just see what your philosophies are about that, and see if that’s a part that you have a need to tap into.

Tanya:  Love love love that you’ve said that. I’m big on aversions in the work that I do, too, so thank you for highlighting that

Tanya: Do people ever show up and say, “Dude, what’s my thing? Like, what’s my thing?”

Matthew:  Yeah. I think the most direct question I ever got for that, that I can recall at this moment, is someone who came to me and said, “I’ve just quit my religion and I need to find a new religion.” So that’s sort of, “What’s my thing?”

But I think the thing of “finding your thing” is to not be afraid to lift every stone and to stay there. Because finding your thing is good, and important, but you’re not just one thing. You are—it’s more important for you to be whole than to find your thing. Because your thing might be really big.

As an infant, you take absolute delight in playing with your toes, and absolute delight with throwing food, and absolute delight with falling asleep, and hugging your parent’s leg and hugging a fire hydrant are the same thing. So I wouldn’t close the door to finding your thing, you just need to be willing to stay in some sort of uncomfortable spots and see what opens up there.

Tanya:  There’s a way in which we have this be very serious, where does curiosity and play factor in?

Matthew:  In terms of play, there are two types of games that one can play. There’s a finite game, and there’s an infinite game.

Finite games are played to be won. They’re played within fixed boundaries, and they’re played for a title, they’re bounded by time and location.

But if you’ve ever seen people who just love to play basketball, or if you see kids play basketball—they’ll run off the court, the score ends up being 117 to 4, no one cares. They’re playing for the sake of playing. It’s more important to keep the game moving than anyone winning.

So in terms of play, I think it’s very important to not be playing for title, or for winning, or for status, but to be playing for the sake of play. And there is where there is freedom. And in order to do that, you need curiosity. And it’s important to people to know what the rules are, too. That’s perfectly reasonable! But, ultimately, the game being infinite is more important than winning a particular game.

Tanya:  And, through that, that’s where we find our toes.

Tanya:  For the people who are trying to find their things: What do you want for them?

Matthew:  To forgive themselves for not having found it. To criticize themselves less for struggling. And to be kind, because they’ve done so much work already. I think those are probably the most important things to start with.

_______________

Compassion, wisdom, quirkiness, and a truly delightful human being.

Go find him and his incredible stories at StillmanSays.com and on Twitter

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What's YOUR Thing? If you’re trying to find your thing, then signing up for updates is the thing for you. Get Thing Finding Thursday updates, plus:

Top secret and supershiny notices, events and discounts.

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Big Leaps and Water Dragons

 

We all have dreams. Luxe dreams. Travel dreams. Book dreams. Stage dreams. Restaurant dreams. Peace dreams. Adventure dreams. Love dreams. Foo Fighter dreams. Freedom dreams. NYC dreams. Heal the world dreams. Glossy magazine dreams. Circumnavigating the globe on your own at 16 dreams.

Yup. We all have them. They may look different, but they all come from the same place. The heart.

And I happen to have it on good authority (aka Twitter) that 2012 – The Year of the Water Dragon – will be a good year for dreams coming to life.

Cool.

While I don’t doubt the power and tenacity of a Dragon (really, that would be a foolish thing to do), let’s consider giving the Dragon a hand and getting our dreams off the ground, shall we?

Loving the leaps.

1. Get clear on what you want to do. And why. Because a “what” without a “why” is a “just because” or a “should”. And just becauses and shoulds won’t get you where you want to go. Fact.

My friend and the artiste behind the savvy + sa-weet design that is my site, Amanda Farough, got over her just becauses and shoulds and to mark the occasion, has just launched HER gorgeous new space. Get on her list (after you’ve taken the tour and drank in her sassy pants post of bigness) for 10 weeks (YUP!) of giveaways. You may win a Clarity Session with me.

2. Know that fear will want to hold you back and keep you small. That’s its one and only job. Review  #1 and then answer this question from my friend Tara Sophia Mohr: Are you being more loyal to your fears, or to your dreams? (Registration for Tara’s Playing Big closes Jan 24th at midnight. If you’re keen on amplifying your impact, claiming your place and taming those fears, this may well be the journey for you.)

3. Keep it open, keep it expanded. Shenee Howard is launching Hot Brand Action today…a direct result of stepping into her starring role as writer and teacher. Hell’s YES. Watch the ground come up to meet her in the most glorious way.

4. Get support. Tell your friends, hire a coach (ahem), find a mentor.  They’ll bolster you when you need it, keep your intentions set to “shine”.  They want you to knock it out of the park. We all do, in fact. Count on it and welcome it in with heart and arms wide open.

5. Launch. Just like that.

C’mon now.  Don’t leave it all in the talons of the Water Dragon. Make it happen for your own fine self in 2012.

XO

 

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Thing Finding with Emma Gwillim of BasilBe

 


I’ve been interviewing people for Thing Finding Thursday who have, by and large, FOUND IT. Their THING! (Or, arguably, they are happily ensconced in their Thing For Now as we all know that Things evolve.) Yes, it’s clear what Susannah, Danielle, Chris, Kelly, Pam, Dyana, Jenny, MMM, Tara, Jasmine, Megan, Amy are bringing forward to the world.

Joyfully.

And from the emails I’ve been receiving since this series’ inception, I hear that you’re appreciating the informed wisdom they’re sharing here.

So, “been there” stories are an incredible source of inspiration (and for a fabulous round-up of “been there…gone HERE” stories to rev up your possible-o-meter, go check out Alexandra’s piece.)

But what about the people that are RIGHT HERE, right now? Who know how they want to BE, and maybe not necessarily what to DO?

Sound like anyone you know?

I present one such person, a reader of mine who sweetly raised her hand and said:

I would love to write a guest post. I speak from my own experience of feeling a little inertia, waiting until I had THE answer…until I learned to taste all the flavours, take the cues from my friends and family (and myself) and ultimately making some big changes in my working life.

Friends, please enjoy this guest post by  Emma Gwillim.

***

Journaling would be, for me, a great excuse to indulge in my love of stationery (oh the sweet joy of a crisp, new notebook!) but I just don’t seem to have the discipline to get my thoughts down on paper daily.  Not in this structured way at least.  I am a scribbler though – my creative mind is constantly stirring up new ideas which I write down, along with inspiring quotes and stories I’ve read in books, blogs and, my other obsession, magazines.  In looking back over years of dog-eared notebooks, it’s obvious that my thing has come to light by a slow, dawning realisation.

I’m pretty impatient by nature and, if I set my mind to something, I’ll be a woman on a mission – I love a good challenge.  And so, finding myself thing-less and a little lost in my early twenties, without knowing what the thing was that I wanted to go after was foreign territory.  Uncomfortable at best, sheer panic a worst.

Here I was, working my way up the corporate ladder and earning a good living by giving out 100% of my hard work, energy and professionalism at work, all the while feeling pretty lost and empty on the inside.  And without an answer.  Terrified at the uncharacteristic prospect of doing nothing, I set to reading all manner of personal development books and inspiring biographies, while the answer still eluded me.  What was my thing?  The thing would set my heart on fire?

I spent way too long waiting for the answer, waiting for the proverbial light-bulb to go off.

It didn’t. 

And I’m embarrassed to say, unsurprisingly, I continued trading my time and energy for a monthly pay-slip in a job that left me cold.

Nothing changed until my mind-set changed.

The wonderful Steve Jobs said “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards.  So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.”  I’d been waiting to work out, and logically decide, what my next dot would be and all the while I was in limbo.

It was a distraction in another area of my life, the natural end of a relationship, that was the shake-up for me.  That ending became a new beginning of the real Emma: I took a flying lesson, I travelled, I began to learn the Italian language, I cooked foods I loved, I read books that interested me, I socialised with people that made me feel happy …. and almost I forgot about my pursuit of that ‘light-bulb’ moment.  I stopped waiting and started moving, it didn’t matter in what direction.

And then it came….not in a blinding flash.  Instead I instinctively knew the things that brought a smile to my face and my heart and, the more I indulged in things I was passionate about, the more it seemed to open up the conversation with others.  In being willing to give things a go and learn if it was “me” or not, my wonderful family and friends seemed to be given the green light to impart their view, their perception of the real me, and added more colour to the picture that was always before my eyes.  Clues to which I’d been scribbling down over the years.

I still don’t believe I’ve got the definitive answer of what I want to do, but I’ve got gutsier about what I want to be.  As one of these things is brave, I’m going to bravely share, for the first time, my thing: to love and nurture people to live their best life.  It’s a simple as that.

And how exciting!  The giddiness of this was that I realised I could be this way in every area of my life – rather than the ‘what to do’ I was searching for in my working life.  I can be loving and nurturing with my husband, family and friends. I can be loving and nurturing in my work and hobbies.  I can even be loving and nurturing with myself – something that was definitely on the back-burner years ago.

If I could speak to my younger self, here’s what I’d advise:

  • Your purpose isn’t your work.  Your life is.  What do you want to stand for?  To be remembered for?
  • Don’t hang onto a ‘someday, one day’ dream.  Stop waiting.  Get moving.  There’s something gutsy about taking the next, courageous step without knowing where it will lead.
  • Feel it.  Let yourself be drawn to all the things that interest, inspire and make you wonder.  It’s only by tasting a little of everything that you’ll get to know your favourite flavours.

***

Do you hear the grace in Emma’s words that she knows how she wants to BE even if what to DO is still amorphous (and possibly even temporarily irrelevant)?

I, for one, am excited to witness this bright light along her path. You can too, by following her writing about her journey (and sharing inspiration) at her blog or connecting with her shining self on Twitter.

Tweetworthy Emma-isms (for your sharing pleasure)

  • Your purpose isn’t your work.  Your life is.  @akaBasilBe to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8qbny #TFThurs
  • What do you want to stand for?  @akaBasilBe to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8qbny  #TFThurs
  • Stop waiting.  Get moving. @akaBasilBe to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8qbny #TFThurs
  • Let yourself be drawn to all the things that interest, inspire and make you wonder. @akaBasilBe to @TanyaGeisler  http://ow.ly/8qbny  #TFThurs
  • It’s only by tasting a little of e’thing that u’ll get to know yur fave flavours. @akaBasilBe to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8qbny #TFThurs

 

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What's YOUR Thing? If you’re trying to find your thing, then signing up for updates is the thing for you. Get Thing Finding Thursday updates, plus:

Top secret and supershiny notices, events and discounts.

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Thing Finding Thursday with Tara Sophia Mohr

 

Remember that beach vacation when you were a kid and your older sibling was off chasing boys (or girls) and you were on your own? And your parents, who were more interested in their sangria than managing your social life, distractedly waved you off to “go make a friend” and it seemed impossible in that moment until you saw HER and went over and said: “let’s be friends” and she said yes?

For me, that was Tara Sophia Mohr. We’ve been hanging out on the same beach for a while now and I’ve always been curious about her and her sandcastles (they always seem SO WELL put together). And do you recall the 2012 planning post wherein I declared my search for a publicist and I committed to “Ask my coaching colleagues/peers who they work with (by Dec 31, 2011)”?

That’s what I did. I asked the girl with the well constructed (and beautiful) sandcastle for a Skype chat and she said yes.

I knew she was wise. I knew she was wonderful. What I wasn’t prepared for was how WARM she is. (Frequent and regular Skype tea dates are in the works.)

If you don’t know her, here’s what she’s up to in this world. She’s an expert on women’s leadership and women’s wellbeing. She has created the wildly popular “10 Rules for Brilliant Women” and the 6-month Playing Big women’s leadership program (full disclosure: that there is an affiliate link), Tara’s work has been featured on The Today Show, ForbesWoman, USA Today, More Magazine and is regularly published in Huffington Post. She received her undergraduate degree from Yale University and her MBA from Stanford University. Tara is also the author of Your Other Names: Poems for Wise Living.

Cerebral and soulful stuff. Interested in hearing about her path? Me too.

What’s your thing?

Tara Sophia Mohr:  My thing is being Tara. These days (these years, really,) that generally looks like this:

  • bringing women’s voices into the world
  • helping women play bigger
  • speaking-writing-communicating to bring about the world I want to see. every day there is something new to say. I love saying it.
  • letting poems come through.
  • creating beauty. basking in beauty.
  • laughing in community, being with friends, being over the moon happy that you (and you, and you and you) exist and are right here, with me!
  • being silly and dancing around the apartment cracking up my husband.
  • compassion, compassion, compassion, because compassion is the natural expression of wisdom, the fruit of seeing things as they really are.

Note on the above: nothing in my life is linear. So please picture these words in a big swirling circle, not in a list.

Was finding your thing the result of a divine revelation, an insane invention, a culmination of insights…or something else?

Tara Sophia Mohr: It was a return. It was a return to my childhood dreams. I’m not someone who was fundamentally confused about what my thing was, though I spent many years saying “I don’t know what my thing is.” Translation: “My thing might be that thing I’ve been dreaming of since I was five, but frankly that thing seems too impractical and scary to go for, so I’ll ignore that and take some career assessment tests instead.”

I don’t think we all “find” our things. I did some combination of remember, recover, listen and experiment my way into my thing.

There was a time in my life about four years ago when I made a pretty radical shift toward living a more authentic life and career. I don’t know what caused that to happen on one day and not another, but the change felt precipitated by intensifying pain: the pain of the inauthentic way of living grew great enough that I was willing to face the discomfort involved in change.

When the old shoe really, really, really gets uncomfortable? That’s when I often start to make change. But what causes the shoe to get uncomfortable at a certain point? Something mysterious, something that has to do, I believe, with the timeline of our soul’s unfoldment.

Obstacles/fears/doubts – what were they, how’d you vanquish them?

Tara Sophia Mohr:  For me, life has often felt like trying to sew together two pieces of fabric: one piece is my authentic self. The things she loves. Her natural, confident, uninhibited, blissed-out self. Picture a happy five year old, totally unself-conscious, in her element, doing her thing. That’s piece of fabric #1.

The other piece of fabric is the world: the more competitive, judgmental landscape where that natural self was not always welcomed or safe or validated.

How to sew the two together? How to make them connected, so I can move across them easily? How to walk in the world as my authentic self comfortably and confidently – to say what I had to say – no matter how radical or how ridiculed?

That has been my primary challenge. What has helped me has been in part outer: having powerful support people in my life –community, teachers, friends – who gave me tools and championed my dreams when I was just getting started in listening to them and acknowledging them. But inner work has been equally important, particularly work around 1) clarifying my vision 2) understanding what the inner critic is and how it operates and 3) getting wise about how to deal with fear.

The programs I lead are very informed by what has most helped me – and what most helps the other women I work with.

What questions did you ask yourself to trigger your a-ha moments…and what signs and milestones should others be looking for in their journeys?

Tara Sophia Mohr: Some of my favorite questions:

What is my message to share in this situation, my unique truth? (Note: if no one else sees what you are saying or is talking about what you are thinking, that makes your perspective more needed, not less; more valuable not less).

What does my heart need in order to follow itself? (In any situation to ask your heart, “Dear heart: what do you need right now, to follow yourself?”)

How can I be a representative of love in this situation? (This question has saved me a hundred times. Saved me from pettiness, fear-based responses, aggression and brought me right back into love. You be surprised how well it works in business environments too.)

***

I’m appreciating the notion of the two fabrics. I’m appreciating her powerful questions. I’m appreciating the power of support systems. And I’m appreciating the worn shoe metaphor. I’m appreciating it all.

What are you appreciating?

Please share in the comments or let’s talk about this on Facebook OR go ahead and spread her wisdom with your people on Twitter.

Tweetworthy Tara Sophia Mohr-isms (for your sharing pleasure)

  • compassion is the natural expression of wisdom - @tarasophia to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8iXlq #TFThurs
  • Meet challenge with powerful support systems and inner work.- @tarasophia to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8iXlq #TFThurs
  • finding yur thing may be more like remembering, recovering, listening + experimenting your way in. – @tarasophia http://ow.ly/8iXlq #TFThurs
  • In challenge, ask: How can I be a representative of love in this situation? – @tarasophia to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8iXlq #TFThurs 
  • In any situation, ask your heart: What do you need right now, to follow yourself? - @tarasophia to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8iXlq #TFThurs
  • Along yur path, ask: What is my message to share in this sit’n, my unique truth? @tarasophia to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8iXlq #TFThurs

——–

You can find Tara Sophia Mohr at her site; or on Twitter.

 

 

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Thing Finding with Danielle LaPorte of White Hot Truth

 


You know I love me some Danielle LaPorte. Told you so here, here, here and here. In my mind, she is THE High Priestess of Passion Persuasion and a sublimely generous friend. So when I decided to dive into the realm of Thing Finding, there was zero doubt who I’d be contacting for an interview. This was actually recorded a good while ago, but like all things golden, it has stood the test of time.

Danielle is the author of the Spark Kit (got yours yet?) and most recently co-authored Your Big Beautiful Book Plan with Linda Sivertsen.

When I was asked to review this latest tome of gorgeousness, I said this:

“It’s a rich buffet of ideas, tools and resources, delivered with soulful practicality and sizzling pragmatism.”

I still say that.

In this video, we talk about wooing your thing, how gratitude can be used as key evidence in the process, the killer of thing-finding {spoiler alert: comparison}, and you’ll bear witness to her best impression of a saboteur (not to be missed). She’ll also share with you (drum roll, please) THE FORMULA.

Enjoy.

Interview with Danielle LaPorte for Thing Finding Thursday

How delightful is this woman, I ask you? Time spent in her presence, time spent in her words, is like time spent at an old-school Nordic spa for the mind. Hot submersion then cold plunge, then back to off-the charts heat again. Invigorating and ultimately oh-so restorative. And do you see what I mean about her flagrant generosity? Now please go ahead and spread the love inherent in her wisdom with your peeps, will you?

Tweetworthy Danielle-isms (for your sharing pleasure)

  • Practicality and passion are a wicked combo. – @DanielleLaPorte to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8cIhH #TFThurs 
  • Go on a comparison diet. – @DanielleLaPorte to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8cIhH #TFThurs
  • Take the charge out of finding your genius. Like, what makes you happy? – @DanielleLaPorte to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8cIhH #TFThurs
  • There is nothing original out there. – @DanielleLaPorte to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8cIhH #TFThurs
  • We are not doers, we are deciders (from the Book of Runes) via @DanielleLaporte to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8cIhH #TFThurs
  • I don’t get off on failure. – @DanielleLaPorte to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8cIhH #TFThurs
  • Appreciate what you have. That’s the formula. – @DanielleLaPorte to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8cIhH #TFThurs

Transcript of edited interview (for your reading pleasure)

Tanya: So something that you have written always, always, always piqued my curiosity and got my juices going. The enthusiasm is the genuine yes that will uncork your genius. That’s sublime. I absolutely love that.

Danielle: It’s so juicy. You’re so uncorked anyhow.

Danielle: Well, I think first you need to believe that you have genius. That’s sort of half the journey. I know it’s in there somewhere. I haven’t uncorked it. I haven’t stumbled across it. I’m certainly not making any money off of it yet, but it’s in there somewhere. So just believe that it’s in there somewhere. I’m often telling people that whatever is showing up in your life in the form of gratitude, people being grateful for you and appreciating and thanking you, whatever you’re getting thanks for is an indication of whatever your gift is or your genius.

What are people showing their gratitude for? When do you feel no sense of time? When do you look up from whatever you’re doing, whether it’s baking cookies or writing a blog post or tinkering with something, and five hours have gone by and you don’t remember how you got there? That’s the sign of being in the flow as Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi says. Aren’t you impressed that I can say his name?

Tanya: So impressed.

Danielle: So those are some indicators. I think we also need to take the charge out of finding our genius and just start in a gentle way like what makes you happy. Soft and happy. Just start there.

Tanya: I think that that sometimes scares that away, you know, this whole energy of like bigness, bigness, bigness. So I think that that’s possible that there is a bit of a story. What if it’s more just kind of a whisper? Do you know?

Danielle: Yes. And it can be more than a whisper. It can still feel hot, electric and juicy, but it doesn’t mean you need to go make money on it necessarily. It would be great. I mean, I’m aiming for the ideal that that’s what you can do. It doesn’t mean you need to launch it or go back to school. So I think if we just take the expectations off of finding out what it is it will help us get there sooner. It’s like falling in love, right? Are you the guy? Or it’s like the old Dr. Seuss story, “Dr. Seuss, are you my mother?” He doesn’t find his mother until he’s just hanging out. Do you know?

Tanya: Yeah.

Danielle: Yeah. You let it go and then, poop, it will pop up.

Tanya: What are things that people are coming up against as they try to woo their thing?

Danielle: As they try to woo their thing? That’s such a great – Oh, comparison. It’s toxic. It’s a killer. Don’t do it. It goes like this. What I want to say has already been said. Her brand is like my brand. She got there, he got there to market before I did. Who am I to do this? I’m not qualified. They have more qualifications. They, they, they, they, they. Guess what? You’re an original just because it’s all coming through your lens, your perspective, your voice, your experience, your drive, your level of interest. So nobody has said what you’re going to say. By the way, there is nothing original out there. It’s been said. What I’m saying, what I say on WhiteHotTruth.com it’s perennial stuff. You can find lots of teachers that talk about it. But nobody talks about it in the way I do. So comparison sucks. Just stop and knock it off. Just go on a comparison diet.

Fears in wooing stuff. Well, there is the what if I fail? Just make a decision and do it. Just decide. Just do. There is a great saying from the book of the Runes, “We are not doers, we are deciders, and once we decide the doing becomes easy.” So doing something and making a mistake is superior, underlined, italicized, to not doing anything. Now that doesn’t mean you don’t have to wait some things out and everything, especially business, so much to do with timing. But you do something and you fail, you will still be further ahead. Even if you’re in the hole financially, you will still be further ahead.

You will have more courage. You will have more faith. You will have more acumen. You will have more contacts at the bank. You will have more resources for your next thing. Just do something. Find out. And in that regard, quit soon and fail fast. If it sucks, leave it. Of course, there is time. I mean, everything I talk about is contradiction. So let’s get that on the table.

Tanya: Love it.

Danielle: Of course there are times where you persist and you endure and all that stuff. But if it’s not working, can it and leave it. Seth Godin in his book, The Dip, about this, “Winners quit sooner.”

Danielle: I also have a contradiction to that.

Tanya: Bring it.

Danielle: Fail fucking sucks. I want to be clear that my focus here is about executing. It’s about creating. It’s about doing so you can go on. Failure is often part of it, but it’s not – Some entrepreneurs get off on their failures. I don’t get off on failure. I have learned a lot more from my successes than I have from my failures for sure.

Danielle: Do I have a saboteur? Yes. Yes, I do. I’ve never articulated so we’re having a live moment here. I can tell you my saboteur are all those little – I really dislike them.  I need to be careful here. My saboteur is a 30 something, Adidas wearing, running show wearing, geek, social media addicted guy from Silicon Valley. He is a bit spiritually vacant and highly fucking cynical. That personality, that kind of avatar is my saboteur. So sometimes I think I’m being too spiritual or I’m not being grounded or, yeah, too out there, too Abraham Hicks. Is that guy behind me going, “this doesn’t work in the real world?” Do you know what I say to him? I say, “You haven’t been properly hugged in months, mister. You probably have sex like a robot.” And you know know what I got is hot. And that’s how I deal with my saboteur. I tell him to go fuck himself.

Tanya: Oh my goodness.

Danielle: Yeah, that crowd scares me definitely. But I’m almost over it.

Tanya: Sorry, I’m not finding – That’s really, really good. I just got to tell you, I wanted to hug him too. I just wanted to hug him too like he needs to be properly hugged like heart to heart, man.

Danielle: Saboteurs they really need love. They’re just coming to the table. Love me.

Tanya: Do you have any final desire for our viewers, people who are picking up what’s my thing? What do you want for them, Danielle?

Danielle: Don’t quit your day job. It is your birthright to have your thing. Be practical about your passion. Practicality and passion are a wicked combo. It’s perfectly alright to want to be happy the majority of the time and it can be done.

Tanya: Yeah.

Danielle: Appreciate what you have. That’s the formula. You want to find your thing. You want to move ahead. You want velocity. You need to appreciate everything that’s going on in your life right now. You need to appreciate that you have a bitchy boss. You need to appreciate the money that you are making. You need to appreciate that you’re stuck. You need to see the beauty in the people that you’re working with.

You need to realize, and if you’re watching this, you probably live in the western world. The fact that you’re watching this on the computer means you have the democratic choice to do that and the financial means to do that. So I’ll leave it on this note. Whatever you got going you got it good. Be grateful for it. When you appreciate that, you will attract more into your life to be appreciative for. It just gets better.

_______________

If you haven’t already, you can find Danielle at White Hot Truth and on Twitter.

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Thing Finding Thursday with Susannah Conway

 

To me, Susannah Conway is beauty. (And I’m not just talking about those eyebrows). She’s everything that I appreciate: Honest. Smart. Curious. Forthright. Raw. Elegant. No bullshit. Quirky. Transparent. Brilliant.

Yes. To me, she is beauty.

So it’s no surprise that her work is also about beauty. Capturing and curating as a photographer, writer and the creator of the wildly popular Unravelling e-courses. A Polaroid addict and very proud aunt (love!), her first book, This I Know: Notes on Unraveling the Heart (Globe Pequot Press), launches in June 2012. Registration for her next Unravelling: Ways of Seeing My Self class opens this Saturday, December 3rd.

 

…curious as to how she found her way? Me too.

What’s your thing?

Susannah Conway: I help women reconnect to their true selves using photography as the key the open the door. I do this by leading online classes in photography and self awareness, and blogging honestly about the stuff I know to be true. Next year I’ll be spilling my guts in a book, too.

Was finding your thing the result of a divine revelation, an insane invention, a culmination of insights…or something else?

Susannah Conway: I found my thing by experiencing it first and then sharing what I’d discovered with others. In 2005 the man I loved died very suddenly and everything I thought I knew about life changed in that instant. Now I look back and see that my life has unfolded in two acts: in the first 32 years I was lost and disconnected from myself. In the last seven years I’ve healed and become the person I am today.

I found my way back to myself through my cameras and journals. For as long as I can remember writing has been the way I figure stuff out and connect with how I’m feeling. I’ve always kept a journal so it was very natural for me to write my way through my grief. In the second year of my bereavement I discovered blogging and it opened up this whole new creative world to me. Being able to share my thoughts and feelings online was incredibly empowering — it was my way of ‘getting back out there’ from the safety of my living room. I started re-exploring self portraiture, which helped me to see myself again — literally, but also as the woman I was becoming, a woman working her way through loss and finding herself again. There were so many layers to unravel and the healing went far deeper than the bereavement alone.

My Unravelling course began as a local evening class and drew inspiration from my healing journey. I brought my photography and journalling ideas together and shared them with a room full of women. To my surprise the class was a great success! As blogging was such an important part of my life it seemed natural to find a way to share the class online somehow. So in 2009 I did, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Obstacles/fears/doubts – what were they, how’d you vanquish them?

Susannah Conway: 1. Who am I to do this? I can’t say this doubt has been fully vanquished yet. It lingers around me like a bad smell and every time I break through a new boundary it whirls up again and tries to trip me up. All I can do is calm myself down, cross my fingers and keep moving forward. Writing my book brought up a lot of doubt and the anticipation of seeing the finished book out in the world is already starting to fill my stomach with butterflies (actually, no, butterflies sound far too light and pretty — these are more like evil moths) but I will keep going nevertheless.

2. How can I do this? I procrastinated a LOT when creating the online version of Unravelling because I was scared. Scared I’d fail. Scared no one would take a chance on my thing. So I let the technical practical side overwhelm me. I’d do anything other than what needed to be done to build the course. I vanquished that fear by doing it one tiny little step at a time and then setting a public deadline — that was very motivating :)

3. What if it’s no good? The perfectionist’s reason to not start something! This one has been easier to wrangle with every project I complete. I try to trust that what I put out into the world will be exactly what someone out there needs in that moment. This has been my experience on so many occasions I’m starting to believe that when we do the work we feel called to do it will take flight in the way it is supposed too. It might take a lot of guts, and a shedload of patience, but hard work and faith really can get you there.

What questions did you ask yourself to trigger your a-ha moments…and what signs and milestones should others be looking for in their journeys?

Susannah Conway: 

  1. What do I have to offer?
  2. What would I do even if I wasn’t getting paid?
  3. What comes easily to me?

The answers to those three question have shaped my work life and business. I think it’s really important to pay attention to how you already spend your time. For me it was blogging/being online, journalling and taking photographs. Those were the constants in my day and the three skills that helped bring my thing into being.

And be aware of what makes you feel most like YOU, too. Try to be transparent in all you do, and do the work that makes your heart sing the loudest. If you’re truly passionate about what you do you’ll be more willing to devote all your time and energy to making it work — because that’s what any fledging business or project needs. Give it everything you have, and make it the most honest version of you and your beliefs/desires/dreams. For example, I spent a year trying to make my portrait business grow, networking locally and pimping out my talents for jobs and commissions. At the end of the year I was drained and uninspired, and not wanting to put myself out there any more; I’d thought that was the sort of photography work I should be aiming for, but it just left me depleted.

A few months later, when I was asked to create a photography evening class, I suddenly found myself doing work that inspired me SO MUCH it’s lead to the creation of a full-time business. I’m still using my photography skills, just in a more authentic way. Once I was doing something that was more “me”, everything seemed to start working, business-wise. Life-wise, too.

***

So much richness and texture here. Notice the medicine that heals you may be the medicine that heals others. Notice what depletes you (and stop doing it). Notice what you’re being asked to do. Notice the power of public deadlines.

And what I’m really hoping you’re noticing is how people who are really, REALLY happy with their thing have managed to stitch their skills, loves and desires together. Are you seeing that? In spite of fears? In spite of doubts?

So let’s start there: what are THREE things that make you feel most like you?

(let’s talk about this on Facebook)

——–

You can find Susannah Conway at her site; on Twitter; or Facebook. Find her and revel in beauty. And then sign up for her Unravelling: Ways of Seeing My Self class and revel in your own. You just may find your thing there.

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Thing Finding Thursday with Pam Slim of Escape from Cubicle Nation

 

Pam Slim. I adore Pam Slim – author of breakout book, Escape from Cubicle Nation (her blog with the same name is “one of the top career and marketing blogs on the web“); writer; coach; and former corporate manager who helps frustrated employees in corporate jobs break out and start their own business - and after this interview, I can’t imagine anyone who wouldn’t.

It’s soooooo good. It’s about finding the themes in your life, your body of work – which may encompass several ‘things’ – and about how to STOP DRIVING YOURSELF CRAZY trying to identify your one thing…

…and instead use your interests and ‘list of personal ingredients’ to start making a difference in the world.

Go ahead, make an impact. Pam Slim is about to tell you how.

And how she put it was so incredible that although the video is just a snippet from our interview, I’ve attached the PDF. It’s epic in scope…and in length. (13 pages!). You might need it for reference – seriously! – so here it is (Pamela_Slim_on_Finding Your Thing).

Interview with Pam Slim for Thing Finding Thursday

——–
Genius. Let’s start with where Pam Slim left us: what impact do YOU want to make on the world? And what list of ingredients can you contribute to this delicious world-changing stew?

(let’s talk about this - really chew it over – on Facebook)

——–

You can find Pam Slim at her blog, Escape from Cubicle Nation and on Twitter.

——–

pssst: if you’d like to share your story (or question!) with Thing Finding Thursday, please e-mail me atwhatsmything@tanyageisler.com.


Edited Transcript of Interview with Pam Slim For Thing Finding Thursday

Tanya Geisler: So, you know what we’re here to talk about. We’re here to talk about people finding their thing. So you want to tell us a little about your thing?

Pam Slim: I do. I have actually a lot of things to say about my thing because what I do is work with people generally who are wanting to start a business, so to make part of their thing the way in which they make money be in some way related to starting a business as opposed to a career.

And that path has come from a long time of working on the human side of business, first inside companies working within training and development and helping people to grow and develop within companies and then as an outside consultant where I worked in a whole bunch of companies to work with people to try to improve them from the inside. And then in the last six years I’ve escaped cubicle nation of working with corporate employees that want to leave and start a business.

So what’s interesting is although I have many, many conversations with people about what their thing is, I actually fundamentally don’t believe there is one thing for most people, which we can definitely get into.

I think that can be something that slips a lot of people up because they think the sky is going to open up and the answer is going to come and they’re going to know their thing and they’re going to tiptoe down through the pile of tulips for the rest of their life.

And it actually in my experience rarely happens like that.

Tanya: So how does it usually happen?

Pam: The broader context and the way I’m thinking about it lately is it’s related to your body of work.

So, your body of work is a way of thinking about everything that you do in the world, how you interact with people, the kinds of things you might physically produce, anything from needlepoint to a book to a whole generation of really fantastic entrepreneurs. (You know, if you’re somebody like a coach.)

And so your body of work doesn’t necessarily have to be around one particular thing.

If you think about your life’s work as including this huge body of work that can have some disparate pieces to it, it might reduce some anxiety for thinking that there has to just be this one thing.

SO what if you don’t yet have a huge body of work to analyze?

Pam: just start to list ingredients. I call it listing your own personal ingredients. So you can say, “You know what? I have a little bit of coach in me and I really love music and I think music is a very powerful thing. And I’m totally fascinated by Apple products. And I really love Thailand.” Just begin to list all of the different ingredients that can just have you become aware of yourself and what your interests are.

And also include things like you talked about,

  • What are your personal values?
  • What are lines that you know you will never cross when it comes to ethics or personal values?
  • What are your strengths?
  • What are strengths that you have that you’ve noticed all the way through school?
  • Are you really analytical or are you great at presentations…?

So when you have your list of ingredients, what I tell my clients is just become ingredients in search of a recipe.

Once again, you can eat many different plates throughout the course of your life, so at a certain stage the recipe is found in problems in the world that are meant to be solved.

So to use a personal example, that’s part of what I saw when I did my own assessment of ingredients. I love to work with people, I love to coach, I’m fascinated by the start-up experience, I love business, I love marketing and growing businesses, there are a huge amount of people who are very highly qualified and competent who are coaching people how to do that. There are a ton of books written about it. But the gap that I’ve found is there were few people who were addressing the specific issue for corporate employees who wanted to leave their jobs and start a business and all of the issues that were associated with that.

So they would read all the books that just talked about, “Here are the ten steps to open for business.” These books would leave out things like how do you go through a massive identity shift? How do you tell your parents that you’re going to leave your job that they had worked so hard and spent all their money to send you through college to be a doctor or to be a lawyer and here you want to go open a cookie business or something, you know? How do you have those conversations, how do you deal with fear?

That, for me, was an example of taking my ingredients and finding a particular place in the market that had a need for the specific kind of thing that I wanted to develop. And so that has been my thing for the last six years.

Tanya: that piece where you recognize the opportunity or the transition, were those from personal experiences that you had where you were moving from this realm to that realm and sort of felt some of those pains yourself?

Pam: But for whatever reason, in my own life it’s always been pretty clear. And the way it generally appears is I’ll find the vein of what it is I want to be doing, and I might be in it and kind of put out that though like, “What is that next thing? What’s the next thing I want to do?” And things generally open up.

Now, that said, and the reason I say that is exactly for the reason that you and I have talked about before. It’s so annoying, it’s like somebody who if you struggle with that issue and it isn’t easy and it doesn’t come and there’s somebody like me. Like, “Just set the intention to the universe, man. It’ll come.” That is not helpful. And so that’s where I’ve learned working with different people that there are particular tools to use, you know?

But that said, I remember when I was getting ready for that transition between the corporate consulting, which I did for about nine years and escaped from cubicle nation. I was definitely in that whole stew of trying to figure out exactly what I wanted to do and I took a class with a woman named Suzanne Falter-Barns that was about developing an online presence. I had been trained as a life coach with Martha Beck and I loved her methodology, but I wasn’t totally vibing with just doing life coaching.

Tanya: Yeah.

Pam: Because I had this whole side that I really love business. And I spent a few months of really deep introspection of thinking about my market and sharing ideas and kind of moving things around and really putting myself intensely into figuring out what might that recipe be. And that’s when I eventually hit on “Escape from Cubicle Nation”, and it was something that evolved. I really didn’t, I had no idea it would turn into a book, I didn’t know it would be kind of a thing. But that’s an example of where many people I think don’t have appreciation for how long it takes sometimes to be stewing on ideas. So in one hand it’s totally okay if you’re stewing on ideas and you’re asking yourself questions, like I’m sure you’re going to be helping people with in the overall program and process…What are great questions to ask and how can you start to track things?

Tanya: Yeah. I think that that’s where the theme piece comes in as sort of a bit of saving grace. And you know, I think the comparison piece – it’s like that person, “I can do that, I can do that, and I can do that.” And I think that that piece there, we’re losing sight of the ingredients that we have. So when we look at what everybody else has around us they might have a little more cayenne than we have cumin or whatever that is.

Pam: Exactly.

Tanya: And so we just kind of can’t force that to happen.

What do you really want for somebody who’s watching this – knowing that the people who are watching this might be seekers, might be multi potential-ites, might be on the cusp of or feeling more lost than ever or whatever it is – what is it that you want them to take away from this?

What do you really want for them?

Pam: What I want is to reframe things in terms of instead of thinking about one thing that you have to figure out in order to be happy, just shift the focus to think about what is the kind of impact that you would love to make in the world.

But the other thing could be what is some bit of a problem or something that you just really want to address.

And it goes directly to what you talked about; Martha Beck calls it ‘compare and despair’. Where you’re like, “Oh man, this is really my thing but look at this person! They’re cuter than me and they’ve done it for five years and oh my God they went to Harvard.” And you tell yourself all these stories.

For the most part, when you look at what impact needs to happen – especially around really large issues like helping people in their careers or solving hunger or inequity in the world – there is so much more need than the people who are actually serving that need.

Focus on where you can make an impact based on who it is that you are.

But really what’s important in the long term is the kind of impact and footprint that you’re going to leave on the earth…and if you’re spending all of your time in agony, beating yourself up because you don’t know the thing, then you’re missing this opportunity to be engaging in a bunch of really wonderful activities that are going to help make a difference in the world for things that you care about.

And that is often the really fertile ground for where it is that you end up finding out areas of deep passion is by doing things, not by stepping back in analyses

However, acting in the world and making impact is I think the way that you’re going to start to get better answers to the question.

——–

PS – Love that Max Mendoza fellow. Here’s why:

You can find Max on Twitter. 

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Thing Finding Thursday with Amy Kessel

 

When Amy Kessel reached out to me to do this interview, I was immediately smitten. I’ve known her “in this space” as a life coach (and transformational muse) whose work I’ve appreciated and admired for a while now. It was her warmth and transparency that REALLY pulled me in (am a glutton for warmth and transparency). I knew I was dealing with a woman in her process. In her joy and in her wisdom. Yes, I liked her very much.

And how much she loves her work in the world? Her THING? Shivery goosebumps of resonance. Frankly, it’s precisely what we deeply desire for you.

So I asked her to please say more. From the sunshine of Rome, she delivered.

 

What’s your thing?

Amy Kessel: My thing is so much a part of me it’s hard to even call it a “thing”.  It’s what others have appreciated in me and what I have sought constantly since I was a teenager. It’s my ability to connect deeply in a no-bullshit, straight to the heart kind of way that enables whomever I’m with to see themselves more clearly than they could otherwise.  My thing creates a win-win situation: I find myself most fully at home in that raw space of heart level conversation, and the other person is thrilled and empowered by seeing her wisdom reflected back to her.

Sigh.

The tragedy is that I spent most of my career ignoring this gift in favor of using skills I half-heartedly honed in work I didn’t love.  And the pinch-me-I’m-dreaming incredibly good news is that I finally figured out how to turn my thing into a Thing.  In other words, I now get paid to do what I love and what I’m genetically programmed for.  My coaching practice brings me deep-diving women who are ready to get real with themselves.  I connect again and again, and bring to our conversation my innate gift along with my coaching tools.  Our work together is fulfilling to me on a level I had no idea was possible.

Double sigh.

Was finding your thing the result of a divine revelation, an insane invention, a culmination of insights…or something else?

Amy Kessel: I love this question.  When my youngest child was toddling around and I was beginning to think about life after fulltime mommying, I started asking the universe for clues.  My hunch was that I wanted my work to be aligned with who I had become since I’d left the non-profit world years before.  I wanted flexibility, independence and creativity to be part of my work.  I wanted to lead with my values, and top of the list was connection.

I had no idea what that might look like.

So finding my thing was the result of staying true to myself, staying with the discomfort of open-ended questions, and being game to explore.  I found my way to life coaching with an attitude of willing experimentation, rather than any kind of certainty that it would be a good fit.

I don’t know if it was a divine revelation, but I do know that I have never looked back.

Obstacles/fears/doubts – what were they, how’d you vanquish them?

Amy Kessel: I didn’t!  Fears and doubts are here and won’t be going away anytime soon, as far as I can tell.  I have all the standard variety fears, plus a nice selection of my own personal best.  I work with them by inviting them to the table, to see if there’s some wisdom I can glean from them.  And then I put them where they belong, at the sidelines, and I get on with my business.

It’s absurd to imagine we can vanquish fears.  I prefer to see myself and my clients as courageous open-hearted warriors with bellies full of butterflies.  Each time I overcome an obstacle in my path, it’s by choosing to believe the reliable voice I have within.  This voice may be quieter and less screechy than the voices of fear, but it is true wisdom itself.  When I allow myself to hear it, it’s accurate beyond belief.

What questions did you ask yourself to trigger your a-ha moments…and what signs and milestones should others be looking for in their journeys?

Amy Kessel:  What am I doing when I feel most at ease?

What makes me thrive?

Why do I want what I want?

What am I pretending not to know?

What wants to unfurl in me?

How can I best be of service to myself and others?

Starting with big questions, especially those that make us squirm, is a great way to find our paths and start walking them.  And making peace with not knowing the answers is a crucial aspect of these journeys.

Watch for signs that warn you that you have veered off course, as well as signs that remind you you’re on your way.  The best initial gauge is the body.  Listen to it, as it doesn’t know how to lie.  Heed its warning.  Or else!

To me, milestones are less important as stand-alones, and more helpful in reminding us of what we want and why we want it.  When we settle on what it is that makes us feel most alive, our job is simply to use that to navigate our way toward it.  All roads lead to Rome*, so even a path that turns out to be dead-end is an opportunity to find another route.  Use milestones to sustain you on your journey; they provide proof that we’re on course, and they give us opportunities to celebrate our progress.  (Champagne, anyone?)

The hard part is finding your why.  Once you’ve got that, and you call it your compass, the rest is a walk in the woods.

 

*Side note: this post was written on a sunny afternoon in Rome. 

***

Ahhhh…”willing experimentation”. I think of this trying different remedies to soothe the itch, but holding the scientific method (remember this from grade school?): Ask the question. Do the research. Create the hypothesis. Experiment. Draw your conclusion. 

Am also appreciating the “listen to the wisdom of the fears” as well as the call to “listen to the wisdom of the body”.

AND making peace with the discomfort of not knowing the answers. THIS. IS. BIG. Not forcing, not white-knuckling. Allowing. Unfurling. UnFURLING…this is a strong visual and one that is important in Amy’s work.

So in Amy’s honour, let’s start there: what wants to unFURL in you?

(let’s talk about this – really chew it over – on Facebook)

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You can find Amy Kessel at her site www.amykessel.com; on Twitter; or Facebook.

 

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pssst: if you’d like to share your story (or question!) with Thing Finding Thursday, please e-mail me at whatsmything@tanyageisler.com.

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Thing Finding Thursday with Mary-Margaret McMahon

 

Source: The Town Crier

Mary-Margaret McMahon is something of a Rock Star in my neighbourhood.

Her official bio: Mary Margaret McMahon is the city councillor for Ward 32 Beaches East York where she’s lived with her family for 20 years. A consummate neighbourhood advocate and connector, Councillor McMahon helped found the East Lynn Farmers Market on Danforth, has organized community socials, greening and gardening initiatives and worked as a senior manager and education leader. Her outgoing personality and positive contribution to the neighbourhood is what the citizens appreciate most about her.

Well, yes. And she is fearless, bold and committed. And a hell of a lot of fun.

This anecdote from The Toronto Star does a fine job of stating my case:

She’s dressed in a giant peapod costume, walking along the Danforth on a hot summer’s afternoon, urging passersby to visit the farmers’ market she helped organize in a nearby park.

A bunch of teenage boys are pointing and snickering at her. McMahon follows them into a convenience store and pointedly asks: “What? Don’t you guys like vegetables?” The teens are stunned by her frankness and are forced to admit they like vegetables, including peas.

How she went from “political unknown” stay-at-home Mama to wildly popular (unseating four-term incumbent by 9000 votes) City Councillor fascinates me. So of course I had to ask her about it.

What’s your thing?

Mary-Margaret McMahon: Helping people.

Was finding your thing the result of a divine revelation, an insane invention, a culmination of insights…or something else?

Mary-Margaret McMahon: Staying home with my kids gave me the opportunity to volunteer.

Volunteering gave me the opportunity to see how much small gestures, time, and energy can make a huge difference to someone. That made me feel wonderful.  So I got hooked.  I also grew up in a home with parents who were/are huge volunteers.

After I saw what I could accomplish in our pocket, I thought why not spread the volunteer bug and empower people across the ward and city to build better neighbourhoods?!

Obstacles/fears/doubts – what were they, how’d you vanquish them?

Mary-Margaret McMahon: The more I spoke to people about my idea, the more they empowered me!  Some tried to talk me out of it but I am very obstinate.  I worried about not having a Campaign Manager but was hopeful one would come out of the woodwork at some point.  S/he never did!!  But it didn’t matter!

Knocking at doors was so much fun and very empowering!  Some people berated me but it was good practice and gave me a thicker skin.

Plus I am an eternal optimist and absolutely love people!

What questions did you ask yourself to trigger your a-ha moments…and what signs and milestones should others be looking for in their journeys?

Mary-Margaret McMahon: I didn’t really ask myself anything except why not spread my enthusiasm across the ward and encourage people to be the change they wish to see.

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Here’s what I’m taking away from Mary-Margaret’s experience:

  1. Talk to your people – Get their perspectives. Help them help you get excited about your thing. Let them in.
  2. Volunteer – see what fits.
  3. Walk your talk – literally.

And that asking yourself “WHY NOT spread my gifts and enthusiasm?” - and answering it with action – feels essential.

So let’s start there: what are YOUR gifts that you’d enthusiastically like to share?

(let’s talk about this – really chew it over – on Facebook)

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You can find Mary-Margaret at her site http://www.councillormcmahon.com.

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pssst: if you’d like to share your story (or question!) with Thing Finding Thursday, please e-mail me at whatsmything@tanyageisler.com.

------------------------

What's YOUR Thing? If you’re trying to find your thing, then signing up for updates is the thing for you. Get Thing Finding Thursday updates, plus:

Top secret and supershiny notices, events and discounts.

there is 1 comment. step in and shine.