How to Receive (and Believe) a Compliment Gracefully
SCENE: Interior, your office, daytime (pre-pandemic, obviously!)
Your favourite coworker passes by your office and says, “Hey! Great job with that presentation yesterday. You really knocked it out of the park!”
CUE: Uncomfortable feelings.
“Oh,” you reply, shifting in your seat, “but there was a huge typo on my fourth slide. And I botched the wrap up. Plus, when Jim from sales asked me that question at the end I made a complete fool of myself!”
COWORKER: Smiles uncertainly and walks away.
END SCENE
Ever had an exchange like that happen in your life?
Someone pays you a compliment, and rather than simply saying “thank you,” you feel super uncomfortable and immediately launch into a litany of reasons why their praise is misplaced…
UGH.
One of the places I tend to spend a lot of time with my clients is on the intersection between praise and criticism.
That’s because the Imposter Complex would have you completely ignore — or mistrust — compliments from other people — but pay waaaaaay too much attention to criticism (even the constructive kind).
Then, it convinces you to overshare and tell the other person every tiny little reason why their compliment is wrong.
Imposter Complex is a real jerk like that.
(FYI: We don’t say “imposter syndrome” around here, and this post explains why.)
We all want compliments (I mean, who doesn’t??).
The paradox of receiving compliments, however, is that too many or not the right kind or an unbalanced diet of praise alone really rattles the cage of the Impostor Complex (“I’m not THAT good… they don’t really mean it” or “it’s just a matter of time before they find out how wrong they are”) AND so the value (and impact) of the compliments starts to diminish.
And then, of course, there’s the ACTUAL diminishment we engage in lest we commit the “sin of outshining.”
Suddenly, receiving a compliment becomes a terrible two-step of denial and disbelief.
It’s a serious pickle.
How to receive a compliment gracefully
A friend of mine started learning to paint watercolours during the pandemic. She subscribes to a kit that sends her the supplies and tutorials for projects every month. And when she shares the finished pieces, people are (understandably) impressed!
But she struggles to accept the compliments — she told me, “I feel like every time somebody compliments my painting, I have to give them the caveat that it was from a kit, a tutorial, like I don’t deserve full credit.”
If you find that you struggle to accept compliments — and maybe engage in that tricky two-step of then trying to explain them away — then I have a challenge for you:
The next time someone pays you a compliment, simply say
“Thank you.”
That’s it.
No explaining. No qualification. No rundown of all the reasons they’re wrong or places their compliment might be misplaced.
Just thank you — the two words feared most by the Imposter Complex.
Voilá! You have accepted a compliment gracefully.
Make a conscious effort to try this for a few days and see how it feels.
Of course, this is only the first step.
The second challenge is to believe them.
Simple, not easy as we like to say.
How to believe a compliment gracefully
You may find that even when you do manage to just say thank you for a compliment and refrain from correcting the other person, you still don’t quite believe them, either.
Sometimes we might mistake this for humility. Indeed, humility may be the value that actually underpins these feelings for you.
But there’s a difference between not bragging and not acknowledging your achievements.
And there’s a big difference between boasting and accepting a compliment.
Between showing off and showing up in all your brilliance.
And when you take a moment to look inside, I bet you can feel the difference immediately.
It’s funny because the Imposter Complex is just wildly arrogant. It has you making the assumption that everyone is just being nice — but is that really the truth?
Imagine lining up every last person who has ever lifted you, advocated on your behalf, complimented your work, allowed you past the velvet rope of academia, gave you a great mark, review, reference, testimonial, tweet, bit of kindness.
Go ahead. Line ‘em up in your brain. Look at how far that line stretches…
See them looking at you with the kindness and admiration and respect that they feel for you?
Now… Are you really going to tell each and every one of them that they’re wrong? That they’re just being nice? Do you really think you are such an incredible liar that you have them all fooled?
What if you just believed them?
Your clients have done their due diligence. Your references have checked out. You passed the test.
And?
The Imposter Complex would have you believe that you’ve somehow got them aaaaalll fooled, but — you’re just not that good at fooling anyone.
Try this instead:
Dare to believe someone when they tell you how remarkable you truly are.
I promise: it’s a revolutionary act.
Want to dive a little deeper into the complicated relationship between praise and criticism?
Check out Episode #11 of the Ready Enough Podcast: Accepting Your Worthiness and Investing in Your Support with Lena West. Lena is known for her words of wisdom and she spills some strong tea on the topics of worthiness and diminishment.
What if compliments and criticism are two sides of the same coin? If you find yourself thinking about what triggers your desire for compliments and your fear of criticism, this article is for you.
Struggling with compliments because people only seem to praise one part of you? (Maybe they praise you for being the “good” one or the “sweet” one and you think but I’m so much more…) Check out this article about how to read beyond the label of a compliment and start seeing yourself as you wish to be seen
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.