Lie of the Imposter Complex #3: You are all or nothing.
I do a lot of public speaking as part of my business, teaching from the stage about the Imposter Complex (and I call it Imposter Complex not imposter syndrome for a good reason, which you can read all about if you’re interested).
And one day I realized that I had a little measure of success that I held myself to:
If I got a standing ovation for my speech, I had done a good job.
And if I didn’t, well…
It feels a little absurd even telling you that. Of course, logically, a standing ovation is not the only measure of success when speaking — but my own Imposter Complex would say otherwise.
The Imposter Complex loves worst-case scenarios and speaks in competence extremities. If you don't know everything, then you know nothing. If you are not a complete success, then you are a complete failure.
At both ends of these extremities are traps.
"Part of me thinks I'm a complete loser and the other part of me thinks that I am God Almighty." - John Lennon
Loser. God Almighty. Knowing everything. Knowing nothing. Complete success. Complete failure.
Can you imagine someone at a dinner party speaking in such absolutes?
I imagine three outcomes.
Ignoring them.
Switching seats.
Challenging them.
Numbers 1 + 2 might work for a dinner party that has a clear end. But now imagine a never-ending dinner party. The Hotel California of dinner parties, if you will.
Will you politely endure their boorishness for all eternity? Continue to avoid and evade? Or will you challenge them once and for all? Yeah, that. This life IS your dinner party, friends.
And the Imposter Complex does not have to be invited.
Challenge competence extremities with one word: really?
This takes practice, but you can try having an internal monologue when your Imposter Complex starts to get sassy with you. (Some of my clients even name their Imposter Complex — whatever works for you!)
When it says, “You didn’t get a standing ovation. They hated your talk. You’re a failure.”
You can counter gently and simply with, “Really?”
Is it really true that I’m a failure or that they hated my talk if I don’t receive a standing O? Of course not.
It’s a little trick that can help you recognize the voice of the Imposter Complex — and stop it in its tracks.
How extremes of the binary in the Imposter Complex might manifest
Depending on which of the six behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex you most often experience, you might experience Lie #3 like this:
If you’re a people-pleaser, you might put a lot of stock in what other people say about you — and then your all or nothing-ness will swing wildly depending on how those winds are blowing.
If you have leaky boundaries, you may let people’s opinions about you, your abilities, and your worth dictate whether you feel all or nothing at any given moment instead of resting in your own self-knowledge.
If you tend to compare, you will feel like nothing whenever you notice someone else being all — and vice versa.
If you’re a perfectionist, you may never get to feeling like you’re all — because you’ll feel like everything you do falls short, meaning you are nothing.
If you’re a procrastinator, you’ll spend time thinking and worrying about whether you are all or nothing instead of getting busy with your own work.
If you tend to diminish, you may never let yourself feel those feelings of being “all” and you’ll explain it away until you’re back down to nothing.
No matter which behavioural trait is whispering to you that you are all or nothing, the best and only way to wriggle free is by deepening into the truth that there are very few absolutes in this life — despite what the Imposter Complex would have us believe.
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Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.