The unconscious quality of judgment. And Mötley Crüe.
The overnight clerk at the grocery store apologized as she rang in the milk and cat food. Sorry to keep you waiting, she said. I was just over in floral wrapping the flowers. No problem, I answered. Are you often all over the store on the overnight shift?
Yeah…I just keep really busy to pass the time. If I sit, time drags on and I seriously just can’t wait to get out of here. I noticed her name.
I’LL BET. You must fall dead asleep the second you get home.
No way, she laughed. I have too many shows to watch on my PVR.
(I’m not proud of this. Not for a second. But it was in that moment that I felt the first unconscious stirring of judgment of the day. It tends to show up when I hear people rushing through life to get to their TV sets. How dare I? I know, I know.)
Oh yeah? What’s going to be waiting for you?
She scanned her memory for the schedule as she scanned my kale. Should be Dancing with the Stars and America’s Got Talent. I hope, she grinned.
Genuinely curious and thinking of my friends who are big dancers, I said: Sounds like you’re pretty keen on dancing. Do you ever get out and get your own boogie on?
She laughed again. Honey? I’m just not a ‘getting out’ gal anymore. I used to go out and play darts almost every night. We’d even go to tournaments out of town twice a month. But now? I’m 52 and prefer to stay home.
Really? I asked as stirring judgment #2 had me feeling a pang of sympathy that she’d already started to “give up”.
Buuuuuuut. No.
Oh yeah. I love heavy metal and there’s no dancing to that, so I just crank it at home and rock out. I also have a dartboard in my living room and if I have a six-pack and my man and some friends? It’s all I need. When I DO go out, it’s to a concert. Going to Mötley Crüe this weekend. And we just got tickets for Judas Priest in November.
(Her eyes were gleaming as she said that last part. It was...awesome.)
I am seriously in love how clear you are about what you want in your life, I said.
Sweetie, I was in an abusive relationship for 19 years. Never again am I wasting time on anything that doesn’t feel good or right for me.
Boom.
I paid up, she wished me a fantastic day and we parted ways. I sat in the car, realized how schooled I’d just been. Wondering why I felt so low after I went in feeling so high.
Because here was my morning up until that 5:50 am conversation.
Woke up. Said a welcoming prayer to the day before my feet hit the floor.
Went downstairs to feed the cats (saw we were out of food), drank hot water + lemon as I made a pot of coffee (saw we were out of milk), hit the meditation mat in front of my crystals-adorned altar, then kissed my husband and headed out to the store, feeling all high vibe + holy.
Walked the aisles feeling immense gratitude for my life, for the day ahead (settling back at my desk after some fantastic time away), house renovations nearing completion, husband feeling in flow, happy daughter heading to day two of horseback riding camp, incredible new clients and invitations showing up and generally, feeling the fullness of it all.
So it was with that beaming joy that I met her. And in less than one minute, I tripped over the rug of my unconscious judgment. Replacing the feeling of joy with the feeling of shit.
Judgment and comparison is like that.
Whether we compare up. Or whether we compare down.
So, I sat in the car, recognizing it for what it was. Giving thanks for my Mötley Crüe-loving Teacher this morning.
Reminding me to continue to do my work in transforming my own judgment habits.
Reminding me to deepen into the content that Lauren Bacon and I have so lovingly, patiently, and attentively created with Beyond Compare. (More to come...stay tuned.)
Reminding me to bring consciousness to the unconscious.
Reminding me just how far I still have yet to travel.
High vibe and holy
Reminding me that high vibe + holy requires consciousness off the mat.
Reminding me all that I forget.
Saturday night, I’m gonna raise a metal salute to her. In the meantime, I intend to bring full attention to where I go unconscious and judge.
Whether it’s someone else’s shoes, decisions, choices, car, taste, content, perspective, ideas. I’ll be noticing it all.
I may not love what I find out, but it will move me closer to my centre. And that’s where high vibe and holy ACTUALLY sync up. And where real change can happen.
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