Thirteen hallmarks of people-pleasers
As I’ve shared many times and in many ways over the years, there are six coping mechanism that folks tend to hide out in to avoid the feeling brought on by the Imposter Complex. (And by the way, here’s why I say Imposter Complex instead of imposter syndrome).
And those mechanisms are: diminishment, comparison, perfectionism, procrastination, leaky boundaries, and finally, my personal go-to: people-pleasing.
I wanted to drill down some into people-pleasing tendencies to shine a light on how it can reveal itself.
But there are a couple of caveats I want to offer before we dive in. Because context and discernment matter.
In this article, when I say "they", of COURSE I mean, "me" too.
I said "TENDENCY" because these are not absolutes.
There are about a million other reasons folks might display tendencies 1-13, including trauma. And for folks who have been systemically excluded, people-pleasing can be a way of staying SAFE.
So, that's here too.
But for me and my experience, when I was able to make people around me happy, that made my life easier. Also? I know it includes my relationality as well as my deep value of inclusivity. It means I'm a phenomenal Host. I'm not going to make myself wrong for that.
AND? There have been times it has been in my way. When I have undercharged and overdelivered, hustled too hard and in the wrong direction to prove my worth, and forgotten to honour my word to myself.
With that, I give you the Thirteen Hallmarks of People-Pleasing.
Feel they have to agree with everyone.
Most often, this agreeable behaviour is one that has been conditioned and that they have been praised and prized for.
Over-identify with how other people feel and take massive responsibility.
There is a hyper vigilance here that is exhausting and like a hungry ghost. Let me remind you that you are not the world’s liver, required to regulate and process everything for everyone.
Apologize often and unnecessarily.
A peace-keeping tactic, this stems from a gorgeous space of wanting to take responsibility, but CAN devolve into insincerity…which sits in opposition to our value of integrity.
Feel burdened by the things they have to do.
This feeling of burden and even resentment is a clear sign that the people-pleasing has lead them to over-extend themselves. A great learning for next time if we can see it for what it is.
Have a verrrrry hard time saying no.
While this might sound more like leaky boundaries to some (and people-pleasing and boundaries definitely have some overlap), I see a distinction here in that when it’s a boundary issue, you might not know where your yeses and nos diverge…whereas with people-pleasing, you KNOW you’re a no, and choose the yes instead.
Cannot tolerate the discomfort of someone being upset with them.
No one that I know loves discomfort. But discomfort is not the same as lack of safety. It’s an important distinction and your deep value of integrity knows the difference.
Act like the people around them.
Taking on the mannerisms of other folks has long been taught as a tactic to create trust and fellowship between two parties. AND? We can get lost in it.
REQUIRE praise to feel good.
Most of us love to receive praise. (Though it can be challenging for many of us to really internalize it…but that’s an article for another time.) But the moment it become a requirement and not a nice to have, it’s tipped into people-pleasing territory.
Go to great lengths to avoid conflict.
Show me a people-pleaser whose therapist has NOT said they are conflict avoidant. Go ahead…I dare you.
Don’t admit when their feelings are hurt.
Given how relational and empathetic people-pleasers tend to be, it’s likely they’ve been charged with being “overly sensitive” in their formative years. Which meant that it became a liability to express their true emotions. And
Don’t feel they’ve earned their spot.
They feel they just got "THERE" because people LIKE them...not because they are deeply skilled and talented at what they do.
And this is inextricably linked with the Imposter Complex…even folks who maintain they don’t experience the IC can recognize themselves in “they’re just being nice” when given an opportunity.
Don’t ask for what they need.
Over-givers by nature, it’s tricky for people-pleasers to ask (and receive in kind) which creates a connection paradox. They WANT to feel that connection, but not inviting others in inhibits the connection they seek. (Because: ding, ding, ding…YOUR PEOPLE want to help you, just as you want to help THEM.)
Don’t want to rock the boat.
Smooth sailing is the name of the game for many people-pleasers. (Though in truth, this one doesn’t ring as true for me personally…I’m more concerned about making things right than I am making things smooth at this season in my life.)
Knowing how to navigate the people-pleasing that has ridden side-saddle with me my whole life has been my work. It has cost me plenty when unattended.
AND I know now that the golden shadow of inclusivity that people-pleasing holds is a super power. It means I gather people exquisitely, bring plenty of compassion and empathy into my leadership and ultimately, can be harnessed for true good.
And I am here for THAT. I suspect you are too.
Check out my quiz to see which coping mechanism of the Imposter Complex can get in YOUR way too…AND the gifts and your leadership edge that it holds.