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Who do you think you are
Back in 2007, when I first started out as a Life Coach in 2007 (yikes) and I introduced myself as such, I would always get asked: What is a Life Coaching anyways?
There are a million ways to answer that question, depending on the time allowed. Here are two:
Wiki says: Life coaching is a future-focused practice with the aim of helping clients determine and achieve personal goals.
Tanya says: It’s about getting crystal clear about what you from this very short life and getting you there. BOOM!
Once that’s out of the way, a little glimmer can creep into the asker’s eyes. Now, this may be a story that I have made up. It’s possible. I do enjoy stories. But here goes…I think that the glimmer is the product of an unasked question that goes something like this:
Who do you think YOU are to help others? After all, didn’t you admit on social media that you took the subway going the wrong way three times in two weeks? You’re not exactly “together” now are you?
Yup…I also consider myself a devotee of fine cheeses yet adore Cheez Whiz on Stoned Wheat Thins with sliced olives. I’m complex that way.
Admittedly, I am not altogether together. Luckily, I don’t have to be. To be an effective and powerful coach, I just need to hold YOUR togetherness sacred, not my own.
And why oh why do I admit my flaws so publicly? Number one reason: transparency = authenticity. Authenticity is a core value that I hold dear.
I am who I am. Period.
Transparency also breeds connection.
I highly recommend you try it…you may like it. And don’t be surprised when it draws people closer to you once they see how truly imperfect you really are.
Unless of course you are perfect, in which case, I feel for you...it must be lonely on that mountaintop.
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Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
The Art of the Ask
“Ask and ye shall receive”…well, sometimes yes and sometimes no. It’s the HOW, WHO and WHAT you ask that will impact the outcome. One of the critical components of my Board of Your Life program is the participation of a willing and open Advisory Board. This fact can often be a non-starter for people considering the program but who cannot fathom asking people to “give up” three hours of their lives to help them suss out new possibilities and directions. Invariably, this often morphs into a discussion point for our coaching. Think about it. Do you have a hard time saying “no” to others, but find it hard to ask for “favours” yourself? You are in very good company.
I’ve become a bit of an aficionado on the topic. Have had to. When I started my business, I knew precious little about precious little businesses. I would have starved had I not heeded some good advice: “ask people for help”. Here’s what I’ve learned about asking:
How to ask
Nicely. Very very nicely.
Reciprocity – make sure that there is something in your request for the askee…or that you’d be willing to return the favour. Preparation is key…what might they value? Is it your expertise in a given area? Is it a nice meal out in return for some advice?
Clarity – Make the expectations crystal clear so your potential benefactor is aware what the commitment is (time or otherwise). No one wants to have to read between the lines.
Whom to ask
You should have some modicum of assurance that this person is amenable to you, your situation or your request. They may know you or know OF you. While I have written about the kindness of strangers, it's also true that most people are more inclined to help someone if the introduction is warmed up. (Case in point, I have agreed to mentor a young woman who I had never met because the request was made through someone I respect and admire.) Reason #213 for expanding your network and deepening your relationships.
What to ask
People are inherently good and want to help. It is a belief that I hold dear. So, please…don’t be a jerkbag and ruin that for the rest of us. Make sure the ask is reasonable – if it’s selfish or ridiculous, they will not forgive you and you’ve slammed that door shut. What is “reasonable” can be subject to interpretation. So I recommend you turn it on its heels…if you were asked the same (or parallel), how would the request make you feel? What would it elicit in you? Would it make you feel honoured or like a sucker. If you’d feel even kind of squeamish, I beg of you: DO NOT MAKE THE REQUEST!!!
While people are kind and generous, they are also very busy and their time is in demand at every turn. Make it easy for them to say yes, and they just might.
And once it’s all wrapped up and in the bag, please, please, PLEASE find a way to show your gratitude for their gift of time, expertise or even trust. For me it’s sending a thank you card. Old-fashioned AND appreciated. Am not a big birthday card sender, but I am a believer in a heartfelt, hand written thank you note…with stamp. Because, as Danielle likes to say, “e-cards suck and everybody knows it”.
And finally, IF your clear, reasonable, sincere, respectful, and sensible request was turned down, PLEASE don't take it to heart, or as a sign that you are not worthy. It may well tell you more about the person you’ve approached than about yourself (they may be stingy with their time OR dealing with a family crisis…you may never know). Regroup, retool and get back on that horse…your artful ask will soon find the right patron.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
In the news...
...on the front page of the Globe and Mail Life section, to be exact. Lisa and I are pretty excited to get ANY exposure for Coach Buffet, let alone in my (admittedly) favourite section of Canada's largest-circulation national newspaper...pretty excited indeed. Come out and see what Coach Buffet is all about in January...in Toronto on the 26th and in Montreal on the 28th...and beyond that, stay tuned!!!
Zosia Bielski,Globe and Mail, December 1, 2009 - Speed-interviewing: On your marks, get set – hire!
A HUGE thank you to Communications Maven (and a neighbourhood friend) Sarah Kiriliuk for hooking us up in the first place with the Globe and Mail.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Give it away, give it away, give it away now
Libra, November 25, 2009 (Globe and Mail):
For best results you should adopt an easy come, easy go attitude, especially toward money. Chances are you will be too busy having fun to worry about where your next dollar is coming from. You know it will all come good in the end.
This is MY KIND of horoscope. An easy come, easy go attitude comes easily for me (heh heh).
It’s the giving it away part that I trip over. I am generous (some say to a fault…you know who you are). I say that I have much farther to go. Here’s what I’m learning.
The secret to generosity…the real, altruistic kind that actually counts for your karma kredit is…(lean in)…NON-ATTACHMENT.
We’re so focused on “what goes around, comes around” (and this we like to apply alternately to good AND evil). What if we just focused on giving it away (and here I mean the good…please) with no attachment to what we receive in return. What happens then? Flood? Locusts? Frogs falling from the sky? (Sorry…listening to Aimee Mann conjured up a Magnolia Moment).
Or something else?
Let’s try it on for size. (Hint: don’t worry about what will come back to you…that’s the real trick. TRUST and then let it go).
What you seek is PRECISELY that which will do you good to give away. Want money? Sponsor a jitney driver in the Philippines through Kiva. Want time? Give away an hour to the soup kitchen that needs you the most. Want peace? Bake some cookies and send some to the neighbour you’ve been feuding with over the mutual driveway. Want opportunities? Create some for others. Want praise? Find someone doing a damned fine job and tell them (I think I’m paraphrasing Jack Welch here).
There. I just gave you the key to money, time, peace, opportunities and praise.
In return, I want nothing...absolutely nothing.
Who do you admire?
This I believe with my heart and soul: who we admire speaks volumes about who we want to be in this world. I was reminded of this recently as I scribed my daughter’s letter to Santa:
Dear Santa –
I think you are inspiring. I like you a lot. I like how generous you are and how kind you are and how sweet and nice you are. I hope you have a lovely Christmas! I like your reindeers and I like your elves and I think your heart is very sweet and kind. I like you a lot and I love you and Christmas.
- From Lauren
At first glance, these are words from a 5-year old hankering for a very Littlest Pet Shop Christmas (Lord have mercy). But, if you know her, you’d know that she operates under the premise that the following are admirable qualities: inspiration, kindness, and generosity. These are traits that she asks about frequently. No wonder she digs on SC. He’s her benchmark of an evolved person…and as her mother, I couldn’t be prouder.
I tend to admire survivors who elevate our collective consciousness (Pema Chödrön comes to mind). I admire truth-tellers, visionaries, nice people and those committed to making this world a kinder, gentler place….and if they can make me laugh while they’re at it, then I’m hooked forever-more.
You are now privy to my innermost yearnings…the person that embodies those qualities is the person that I am WANTING to become…my authentic self. I have miles to go before I sleep, but I am gaining on it. Very happily.
And you, who do you admire?
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
The unsolved mystery of the stolen iPhone
It has finally happened. I, avid seeker of truth and resolver of mysteries have finally met one that shall remain unsolved…by my own design. My iPhone was stolen…then returned. How it was stolen, I am not sure; why it happened, I can guess (but may well be off-mark) and the wondrous part of the story; why it was returned, I think I’ll never know. Nor does it really matter.
Here’s what happened. I had not been feeling well and so after being diagnosed with a chest infection, I went to the pharmacy to get a prescription filled. I had my daughter, a plethora of parcels and a fever…instant recipe for at least one ball to be dropped (thankfully it wasn’t my daughter).
We returned home in a haze of hacking and stumbled into the house to get on with the night (which for me couldn’t end soon enough…my demeanor is less than gracious when ill). I went to retire on the early-ish side and went to recharge my phone. When it wasn’t in its one of ten usual spots (I’m organized like that), I called it. I do this often. What does NOT happen often, however, is that a man answers (who was not my husband). Dialogue went like this:
Me - Ummm…hello? Eloquent Man Who Answered My Phone (EMWAMP)– huh? Me – uh…hi…I…uh..think you might have my phone by accident. EMWAMP – No.. MY phone. Me – Oh really? What number did I just call then? EMWAMP – I dunno. Me – Well, I happen to know what I just dialed and it was my phone number so can you please do the decent thing and return…
CLICK
I feverishly hit “redial” and got my annoying outgoing message (good reminder to change that…have been meaning to do so!). And then I called again and again…and of course, he didn’t answer…he may not be eloquent, but at least *somewhat* clever.
I then proceeded to spend one hour with my cell provider working through a myriad of possibilities to resolve this mess (all which added up to a resolution costing $500, any way I sliced it...including breaking my contract). I kinda sorta blew my resolve to be kinder and gentler with customer care reps and in the end, we came up with a solution, albeit a rotten one. I was not satisfied, but at least clients could reach me once again…in three days.
And while I had the service blocked (from that moment he couldn’t call out OR receive incoming calls on my dime) all of my personal info was still on there…not to mention pictures of my daughter. Creepy. It was NOT a good night trying to fall asleep.
And yet, as I drifted off, I reflected on what all this meant:
My phone has become too important – I was reduced to tears at one point…this is not right. Tears are for love, joy, pain, and empathy. Not for plastic communication devices with fancy apps like UrbanSpoon and Pac Man.
My inability to keep it all together was heightened by my fever…this is lame and stupid. I should have not tried to juggle so much. A call to my loving support network to get the Px filled and daughter picked up would have meant that I was tending to what needed tending to…me.
As angry as I was with EMWAMP, I realized somewhere along the way that he may not have been altogether INTENTIONAL in taking it…it may have simply been a lark. A shiny curiosity for him that wasn’t linked to the consequences that it bore on my life.
I fell asleep with this thought: "this is a good world, tomorrow will be a good day" and I silently pleaded with EMWAMP to return my phone to me… no questions asked.
Next morning, my husband found my phone in the car. Just like that…sitting innocently on the passenger seat, patiently waiting to be noticed and returned to my loving embrace.
Was it taken from there as I forgot to lock the car last night and returned in a moment of remorse by EMWAMP? Did I imagine the conversation? A review of the call log revealed that I did not, in fact, imagine it…AND that EMWAMP made two calls (both local) at 6:04 and 6:49 before the block was imposed...not exactly a huge iPhone joyride for him.
As soon as I had the phone back in my hands, my thoughts IMMEDIATELY turned towards the punitive…I wanted blood. Revenge. I wanted to call the people on the call log and demand to know who this dastardly beast was who put me out and made me so bloody angry. And then, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror all miserable and scowly, and I laughed at the absurdity of it all.
It IS a good world. This IS a good day and it WAS returned to me. My end of the bargain needed to be upheld. No questions asked…and that includes “why”, “how” and “who”. The only important became “so what?”..and this needed to be asked of me.
In this day of enlightening and luscious tweeted quotes of Deepak, Buddha and Eckhart, one maxim persists: shit happens.
So what? What am I gonna learn from it? Well, I was reminded to: focus; lock my car (duh); password protect my phone; and, be present to what matters. EMWAMP may well have learned something too...or not. So what?
Relief in release.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.