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Coaching, the Arrogance of Fixing and Chandler Bing’s WENUS
I dreamt last night that I was late to a dinner party and the gracious host was doing introductions. She introduced me as a tennis coach. I took her aside and explained that I was a business and life coach. She nodded and proceeded to introduce me as a doctor. Again, I explained that I was a coach. She then introduced me as a therapist. Then a social worker. Then an actuary (???). And on, and on. And every time, I’d protest. Guests were getting uncomfortable. After a time, I finally agreed to a title that people intrinsically understood. It seemed to make things go easier all around. Oy.
This sitcom-y dream reminded me of a conversation I had a long time ago with my friend and coach colleague Danette. We were lamenting the challenge of explaining to people what coaching is. We recalled poor Chandler Bing trying to get his friends to comprehend what he did for a living. (Programming? Something in distribution?)
What do I do as a coach? Well, that’s kind of like Chandler explaining his WENUS (Weekly Estimated Net Usage…which was better than The Annual Net Usage Statistics, but I digress), and may be better articulated by what I DON’T do.
I don’t fix problems. Know why? Three reasons:
That would be arrogant of me to think I know better than anyone else. Or that somehow I’ve got it all figured out (I don’t).
It would make ME feel good. While I do like to fix things, untangle knots and assemble IKEA furniture, this coaching ain’t about me.
It would rob clients of the juicy true learning and knowledge and it won’t help them in the long run. The same problem will come back to bite them in the ass in another way. Guaranteed.
And as much as I do dig the song, I will not try to fix you. Why? Quite simply stated, you’re not broken. You know it. I know it.
So seriously, have I just talked you out of hiring me? Wait, wait, there’s more!
What I DO do is help you discover what you truly want. Potty humour aside, I help you to become aware of what’s possible and available to you in your life and business AND what’s been holding you back. Help you make the choices rooted in your truth (because, really, no one else’s matters). And then I sit back and watch you take over the world. Or write that book. Shaking my pompoms the whole time.
Discovery + awareness + choice = coaching
Probably best to just try me out. You’ll see.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Celebrating Failure
“You CAN’T fail. It’s simply not possible.” Have you ever been told those words from a well-intending loved one? Words that come from a place of support and championing? Aren’t they wonderful? What they are saying is: “only losers fail and you’re not a loser so, so failing’s not possible”. What they MEAN is: “I believe in you”. Bless ‘em.
Lately, I’m wondering about our relationship with failing.
Failing is soooooooooo bad. Shameful. Reprehensible, even. It makes people pity you.
I’d like to try to unpack this, if I may.
First off, what’s up with that faulty logic that failing at something makes you a failure? I have conquered the art of making a subtle yet sumptuous lobster bisque but this doesn’t make me Jacques Pépin. Sure, serving it makes me feel like a culinary rock star, but it’s fleeting. Same with failing. I am imperfect and when I fail, I get to choose how long I dwell in that place of licking my wounds. It doesn’t need to define me.
And oh yes, I have failed.
Secondly, I think it’s time we called failure out for what it really can be: a killer. Of dreams, good ideas and grand plans. It stops us from launching because we let it. Because the possibility of the shame is too great to bear.
And here’s what I am learning about failure:
Failure is the fastest way to learn.
I love the toddler-learning-to-walk analogy I learned in coach training. Ever watched one try? They don’t take courses, buy e-books or consult anyone. They wobble, flail, fall and get back up. Wobble, flail, fall and get up. Time and time again. Sure, they’re frustrated some, but that does little to dampen their enthusiasm for the process.
So falling down helps you to learn to get back up. This time, more steadily.
Failure opens doors
Some failures we can be grateful for because they have lead us down a new and unexpected path.
You know in your own life, that when one door closes, another one opens. I’m living in this one right now and arms are wide open to what’s coming.
There are two ways to fail:
1. Not going far enough and missing the opportunity. THIS is the sucky way to fail. I failed a Symbolic Logic course in University (this may come as no surprise to you if you’ve ever felt dizzy from trying to follow my circular logic). Why did I fail? Simple. I made other things more important, like smooching (a lot) and drinking (a lot) and wracking up (a lot) of shopping debt. Ahhh, the good ol’ days.
Given that I put no work into the course, I wasn’t surprised that I failed (I believe I called it “not passing”) but I still felt horrified. I remember calling my mother and she graciously offered that for what it’s worth, she still loved me and that I could still become a great Environmental Lawyer if that’s what I still wanted to do (I didn’t).
What she meant was: “I believe in you”.
2. Giving it your all and it just not clicking. THIS is the hero’s way to fail. I continue to be with Teddy R. on this one:
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.
“Citizenship in a Republic,” Speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, April 23, 1910
Yeah. THAT’S how I choose to fail from now on.
And I believe that’s how you choose to fail too. Because, I believe in you. And I believe that you have the temerity and the resolve to go the distance and fail gloriously and spectacularly and learn lots and be open to what comes up for you. I believe all of that, and more.
So when you fail, come back to me and we’ll pop open a bottle of Veuve Clicquot to celebrate. Being brave enough to go to your edge deserves nothing less.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
You can be your you-iest
My husband’s folks own a delightful condo in Myrtle Beach. My wee family goes every couple of summers (not this one) and we all get our fix of favourite things: tennis, beach yoga, body surfing, ice cream, ridiculous arrays of potato chips (and I do mean RIDICULOUS), mini putt with dyed-blue water, crab legs, Charleston, Rolling Rock beer, outlet shopping and Nick Jr. (Not precisely a cultural renaissance, yet...) Nick Jr may be the thing the kid misses the most - lazy mornings watching shows we don’t get in Toronto while we’d unhurriedly plan the day’s outings.
One of her favourite songs was and remains:
I love this song too. Instant mood-lifter, to be sure, but that’s not the only reason I love it. It comes down to the penultimate line:
You can be your you-iest.
Kelly reminded me of this in her heart-wrenching and achingly stunning post about bravely showing up and offering only your you-iest.
And it makes me wonder...
What would it mean for you to be your you-iest?
What would be different?
What would you get to say no to?
What do you get to say yes to?
What if you could be your own boss?
What if you could just show up…AS YOU ARE?
Moose A. Moose gives you full permission to be your you-iest. And so do I. Go on…start right now. From here. Show up fully as your authentic and glorious self…how can you be anything but?
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Diving in to the 21.5.800 Challenge
I love a good challenge. In fact, I sometimes even co-design them. And I rarely back away from a good one. Rarely. And yesterday, I almost did.
Last week, my family had the snot kicked out of it with some fabulous news delivered in a crap wrap. Much more on this later. (Dramatics aside, we are fine, together and with the exception of an unrelated sprained ankle, all healthy).
I’d been hearing about Bindu Wiles’ (fabulous Brooklyn-based Buddhist Writing Coach) "21.5.800" community project: yoga and writing. While these are two of my favourite things, I am master of neither. (Ooooh…I LOVE the smell of possibility in the morning!)
The challenge: for 21 days, do 5 days of yoga a week and 800 words of writing per day.
Problem was, given that I’d allowed myself to be bullied into a corner by the crap-tastic news last week, I didn’t jump in to the challenge. I demurred. I abstained. I sat on the fence.
Then I did the math and it went something like this:
Resonant (read: exciting) challenge + awe-inspiring group of participants (Julie, Danielle, Dian, Hiro, Lianne, Jen, Marianne, Tia, Kelly, Andrew, Roseanne, Emma, and 230 OTHER coaches, writers, yoginis that I have yet to read/fall in love with) – being in a snot-kicked out of me kind of space = precisely what I need
So, I have jumped off the fence and am splashing around in the cool early June water. Refreshing and bracing.
Today is day 1. For the next 21 days, I’ll write 800 words a day…whatever I am moved to write (blog posts, strat/comm plan, workshops, journal and anything else that is begging to be expressed) and practice yoga 5 times a week. It will nourish me, heal me and should I find myself in the Dastardly Dip, I’ll know what to do.
I’m number 181 in the growing list of participants. Will you be next? What might it give you? Bindu's made it easy for you to start wherever you are.
Go check out Bindu’s challenge…and please thank her for me.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
The Dastardly Dip
Am on Day 21 of my 30-day yoga challenge as part of the Great Canadian Yoga Stretch in support of CNIB. A funny thing happened (well, not as funny as my headstand, but I’m getting there) on Day 17. I got bored and started to feel pretty “meh” about the whole thing. Up until then, I was excited about it: excited about the campaign, excited about the physical and psychological benefits of a daily practice and excited about the shifts that were happening.
So what happened on Day 17?
The Dastardly Dip happened.
What IS that, you ask?
Some call it the doldrums. Others, the principal ordeal of the hero’s journey. Quite simply, it’s homeostasis, darling. Homeostasis. You know: ye olde “old habits die hard” kinda deal if you will.
Change = hard (usually). It requires an expenditure of energy (a CONSTANT expenditure of energy) and until it’s fully realized change, then backslides (or temptations therein) are gonna happen.
The good news is that like its close cousins “stuck” and “funk”, it is impermanent AND part of a process. So much so that I caution clients about it when they sign up to coach with me (coincidentally, that's the number one reason most coaches like to get a three month commitment from you..to help you through the Dip).
Said process goes a little something like this.
When we make the call to make a change, our minds are all pumped about it. We feel good, confident, excited. We tweet, Facebook and brag. We’re gonna DO IT. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! We OWN this gnarly wave, dude!!!
And then, things start to slow down. Mojo starts to slink away.
The subconscious is doing a “WHOA, there Nelly! You weren’t really SERIOUS about this, now were you?” and (tries to) block the change. And then your saboteurs crack open the Old Milwaukee and have a good ol’ porch party on your pride. “Who do you think YOU are?” What’s the point?” (and in my case) “You call THAT a crow pose, Lard Ass?”
Good times.
And you stop. The flow? Gone. Inertia? Vanished.
And you wait. For something. Anything. Or maybe you panic.
Now what do you do?
In my case, HOW I surf on out of the Dip depends on what the sitch is and it typically starts with connecting with the WHY of what I’m doing what I set out to do in the first place. In this, I look for which of my core values are being honoured (or not).
Case in point – The yoga challenge mini-Dip. I’m doing this challenge because:
I am volunteer chair of the campaign and it would be righteously wussy of ME to bail on the challenge. Unconscionable, really.
Lots of people parted with their hard-earned cash and sponsored me. The way I see it, CNIB’s being paid $1,050 on my behalf to do this thing…I’d better deliver.
I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it…the 30 days of yoga AND the headstand.
In this case, it was pretty easy to shake myself off and get the wag back in my downward dog.
Sometimes, the Dastardly Dip is far, FAR deeper. More profound, if you will. Takes more elbow grease.
I asked the one and only Dyana Valentine, maven of gettin’ ‘er done, what her personal number 1 no-fail method of pushing through the Dip was. And she said:
The Dip is a state of mind, just like the Boost (the first few weeks of a new project, relationship or wow-I-can-keep-my-house-clean jag). So, when I get derailed from my committed state of mind, I go to the Sure Thing list. My Sure Thing list usually has about 5 items on it and hangs on a 3x5 card by the front door. These are the actions I can take when I'm in a Dip that change my state of mind. No, there is not a "just do it" item on the list. Here's my current version:
shoes.water.two blocks (translation: walk out of this door now and change the scene)
library.funkynewmusic (translation: go to the library and pick out music you have no connection to, set timer for 15 mins, listen)
call _____________ (yes, this is blank because I check in at that VERY moment for a person's name who will help me change the channel, NOT delight in the Dip or help me complain about my bull)
Now--this is a running list and it gets edited frequently--so don't get yourself in a bunch if something on the Sure Thing list just doesn't work for you--move on, delete, reorder the sucker. It's there to serve YOU.
She's good, eh?
Can't share details of the work I’ve done with clients on this as that is THEIR story to tell. So here are the tools I’ve been know to use for MY personal Dips:
Phone-a-friend – like Dyana, I find someone who will help me to dig my heels in and turn this surf board around.
Change it up – find some new perspectives on this (and get some coaching on the issue, naturally) and plan from there.
Rest – I find the compassion for myself to get still, lick my wounds and heal. I get strength from this place. As the wise and wonderful Lianne has been know to quote Lao-Tzu: “all action begins in rest”.
Quit – if the WHY isn’t compelling enough or isn't clicking with my values, then it may simply not be worth my time, talents or efforts. Quitting can give me room to shine at something else. Read Seth’s book on this. Revolutionary stuff in helping you to know when the time is right.
Must go…the yoga mat beckons (and I'm back to WHEEEEEEEEEEE about it).
While I’m gone, please share YOUR number 1 no-fail method of pushing through the Dip. Would love to know…and I’ll compile results in a handy-dandy inspiration post (with full props to YOU, of course) as an idea bin to “dip” on in to.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Loving Mama Love
I’ve been thinking a whole lot about mothers. About my own mother, about me as a mother and about a little squirrel mother. Could be because Mother's Day and my mother's birthday is coming up. Could be because of a treasure that my daughter recently found: rainbow-coloured bobby pins that were my mother’s. They live in a pretty gossamer bag and make me smile when I see them…not just because they are a riot of colours, but because I remember so well how happy I was when I saw that bag come out as a kid. It meant that she and Dad were going out for a night on the town. They did this often.
The way she smelled faintly of Chanel No. 5 and the happy gleam in her eyes as she held on to a couple of the pins in her lips and worked her golden locks around the curlers. She would answer my questions about boys, love, hurt, empathy and dreams with patience and kindness and slip the pins into place. The finished product was always elegant and breathtaking. My mother was a true beauty. She made me feel the same inside and out.
On Sunday, Mother’s Day, my family and I will visit her commemorative tree down by the Beach. The one that says: Brenda Geisler, Requiescat in Pace – Lover of Life and Trees. We will fuss and plant and not say much. My daughter will provide much needed comedic relief (oh how I pray she doesn’t think she HAS to fill this role) and then we’ll all go for brunch together. And all feel the pain of her leaving us so young. She was 59.
God, how I’m missing her lately. I remember strong and happy Mom. She’s been in my dreams almost every night lately, like she has something to tell me. I don’t know what it is but there's something about softness and empathy. Maybe for myself and maybe for others. I am listening.
It’s trite to say she taught me so much…of course she did. About being a mother AND a caring human being.
That’s learning…and THEN there’s instinct.
Yesterday, I learned about instinct from another mother. We have squirrels in the overhang of our front porch. Right beneath the master bedroom. The scritch-scratch and scurrying has been driving us to distraction for the past two and a half months. We *knew* when we heard a squirrel back in March that it was likely she was pregnant and needing a nest for her babes. So we left her alone. We gave her the 8+ weeks to nurse and get her babes ready to move on out and then hired the wildlife removal guy. He set up a “one-way exclusion door” (meaning the squirrels leave to get food and water and can’t get back in). Plan is as follows: mama leaves and the babies follow. Problem is, only one followed her out yesterday. She has been ravaging a hole below the contraption to get back in. Her panic is one I know too well.
When my daughter was two and a half, she got locked in the bathroom by herself. I immediately set to ripping the door off with my bare hands. Literally. I didn’t even consider finding the proper tools. My baby was in there and that was all that mattered. Luckily it was one of those flimsy hollow core doors. The real challenge was to tear the door off without causing her to panic. I remember precious little about those 4 minutes except for a roar in my ears and the sound of the veneer ripping …and the murmuring noises I made to show my babe how cool we both needed to be. She was cool. I just looked it. Inside, I was a raging bull calmed only once she was safe and in my arms.
I saw that quality in the mama squirrel. Nothing is going to come between her and her babes. Claws and teeth are her tools and the power comes from her heart. We won't stand in her way and won't rest until they're all safe together.
Yesterday morning, the mother squirrel was a pest. Today, she is a kindred mama.
My mom would be proud of this post. She’d love the synthesized appreciation that fierce protection of your children is instinctive and having empathy is learned. Then again, she loved most things I did. That's the kind of mama I am intent on being. To my daughter and to the world.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.