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And sometimes, people choose kindness
I am inspired by the outreach that I have had on my blog, in personal emails and in conversations I have had with people since my last post. People have been sharing with me their experiences with people choosing action over apathy. I am grateful, my heart is warm and I wish to share a very personal story with you all now, too.
When I was 18 years old, I was invited to an end-of summer lifeguard party at the Opera House in Toronto. Fun right? Cute guys, right? I arrived a bit late with a girlfriend, so after a quick turn of the place to find our friends, we wasted no time in hitting the dance floor.
I made my way out on to the crowded floor and found my spot, then turned to face my friend. Instead of her, stood a teeny little maniac I’d never seen before who hauled off and punched me in the eye. Hard. Her diamond ring cut the skin above my eye (I still have the scar). I just stood there. It happened so fast, I didn’t even have time to cover my face for the second, third, fourth and fifth punches. Let alone the wherewithal to strike back.
I was dimly aware that a circle had formed around us to watch this bloody debacle. The punches all landed on the left hand side of my face, for good reason. I had caught the eye of a guy watching and was having a mute conversation with his eyes: “You’re a LIFEGUARD for God’s sake! Can’t you see I am getting pummeled here? GET THIS CRAZY B*!#^H OFF OF ME”.
“No”, his eyes said, quite simply.
After what seemed like an eternity, a friend pulled her off of me and I ran out. I stumbled, bleeding and blind out of one eye down the street.
I sat down on the curb and held my face, blood streaming down my arm. I sobbed, and felt as cold as I ever had in my life. Shock, I guess.
I heard heavy footsteps approach me. Several. But I was so spent, I couldn’t even be bothered to look up and kept my head in my hands, eyes trained on the blood droplets on the pavement.
Huge boots surrounded me. Six pairs. In front, beside me, and behind me. Men’s boots. A gang, I assumed. I remember thinking: “go ahead, do worse…I can’t feel a thing”.
When no one said a word, I finally looked up. Into the deep dark eyes of a young man staring at mine. I remember nothing about his face. Just his eyes. We said nothing for a minute. Fear completely had a grip on me.
I don’t remember exactly what he said to break the silence, but it was something kind. I sputtered and bawled the whole sordid story of getting the snot kicked out of me, how I had left my purse back at the Opera House, how I didn’t know where my friends were and had no idea how I was going to get home.
Before I knew it, he had his friends mobilized. Within minutes, I was handed a warm wet cloth to clean my face, my friends were on their way to me, a cab had been hailed and I had a 20 dollar bill in my hand.
I have no idea if I had the presence of mind to thank those young men. I pray that I did.
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Mere weeks after that incident, I was to start university. The idea of 50,000 strangers, huge throngs of bodies at every gathering had me completely unhinged. I had never been afraid of crowds…I sure as hell was now.
I went to a friend’s cottage for a couple of days after the incident to heal, be away from prying eyes (my face was a wreck), calm down…and to decide if I could actually, really go to university, or if I should take a year off. And how to really BE with what had happened.
Getting beaten up by a woman smaller than me, at a LIFEGUARD party of all places…none of it made any sense to me, and it all seemed certain to repeat itself at every gathering.
At best: strangers = apathetic. At worst: strangers = violent.
I realized, of course, that that line of thinking had me trapped in a victim mentality. Sure, I could spend my days choosing to feel sorry for myself, raging against that vile woman, and being despondent about that lifeguard who was held immobile by his interest in watching a one-sided catfight. OR, I could choose to soften and really BE with what those young men had done for me.
I chose the latter.
Yes, there are violent people who want to hurt others for reasons known only to them. And then there are the rest of us. Those who want to help. To heal. To nurture. To protect.
Those six guys certainly didn’t need to help me. They could have walked on and not bothered. They could have done any number of things differently. They sure didn’t need to give me money, help, kindness.
Yet they did. Because they were the rest of us.
And so, off I went to university a month later: I reveled in meeting the strangers (one who became my husband); whooped it up; learned lots; and, wasn’t afraid. Not once.
So those six guys I want to say:
“Thank you for caring for a fellow human being that August night nineteen years ago. It helped solidify my fundamental belief that people are inherently good. Your selfless acts of kindness continue to make me want to be a kinder person too. I will be forever grateful.”
And you? What story lives in your heart as proof of innate goodness in our society? Who do you wish to thank?
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Apathetic towards apathy
Today, I went for a run. (A rare occurrence, but happily becoming less rare). I was having a frustrating day—the kind of day where everything seemed to compound upon itself. You know: ran out of milk for coffee; a client missed a session; iPhone and laptop calendar stopped syncing; and got told by my optometrist that my eyelid oil glands were overactive (I mean, really?). Absurd stuff to sweat, in hindsight, but frustrating nonetheless.
So I thought a run would do me some good (if nothing else, I could pay forward calories for the dark chocolate that I thought might end up being my solace).
Ten minutes in, I saw a man fall from the walker he was holding.
He was probably 300 lbs, easily 65 years old and half a block away. I sprinted up to help him. He was clearly in shock, had a very pronounced speech impediment and was crying.
Speaking in soothing tones helped him to calm down as I held his hand to assess any injury that he may have sustained. Once I confirmed that he was “mostly” fine, I helped him back into his walker. I do not wish to belabour the point, but this was no easy feat.
Using the walker as a fulcrum, nearby stairs for support (ones that his head narrowly escaped) and every ounce of strength he and I both had, we got him back up.
He awkwardly tried to hug me in gratitude and once I was satisfied that he was okay, I ran off.
Crying.
I cried about the indignity of aging. I cried for the discomfort I felt in receiving the clumsy hug. I cried that I didn’t stay with this human being longer.
But mostly I cried because no one else stopped. To help him. Or to help me help him.
No no no. It’s not that the incident went unnoticed. Drivers slowed to gawk and pedestrians stepped around us. Their eyes met my pleading ones for just a second before they were averted.
I cried because my heart broke as I grappled with further evidence of what seems to be a forgone conclusion: we are an apathetic society.
And then I realized that I have been a party to this apathy all along. I have witnessed it, and yet been apathetic towards the apathy itself in that kind of “*shrug*, what are ya gonna do about it?” kind of way.
My dear grandmother Mildred had many enduring sayings (ask me some time about her “glorious creations”) but the one that was most often repeated was:
“The masses are asses.”
Yes, Grandma, that may well be true. And yet…
I continue to believe that beneath the crust of their competing priorities, deadlines and pressures, people are inherently good. Life has made them ass-like. And they’ve allowed that to happen. By choice.
I believe that what I did to help that man represented the mere BASELINE of common decency. I could have done so much more. Called an ambulance in case of internal injury (this will keep me awake). Stayed to hold his hand until I was sure he was steady. Found out his name and told him mine. But I didn’t.
I ran off. Minimum effort expended.
I know I am just one of masses some of the time: an ass. Self-involved and self-absorbed.
But mostly not.
So I’m wondering this. What if those of us who DON’T identify ourselves as mostly ass-like stepped up our game and went for kindness, compassion and empathy way above the baseline?
Karmically wiping out some below-the-baseline ass-ness around us? Zero-sum kindness.
So, who’s with me?
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
The Paradox of Focus
This summer was bliss-y. My husband was home and we pulled our daughter from daycare, so between BBQs, cottage time and chasing the ice cream truck around the ‘hood, it was juuuust about right. And long enough. So I’m thrilled that fall is here. It’s my favourite season. Apples + cheddar. Warm days + cool nights. Everything feels brighter, and crisper. Clearer.
On top of that, my husband’s in a fabulous new job (yay him) and daughter is settling in to grade 1 (yay her), so I am pretty excited to devote my attention, fully and completely, to my business (yay me). {Disclaimer - I continued to love and coach my clients throughout the hazy lazy days…I just wasn’t working on anything new}.
So as I am getting refocused on my business, revving up my engine, it’s not surprising that my entrepreneur clients are wanting the same. And when I ask what they want coaching on in this session, invariable they say:
I want to focus on focus.
YA BABY! Let's get started! Let's get specific! Let's clamp down!
But wait.
The paradox of focus, is that to be focused, we need step way, WAYYYYY back and a meta-view of who we are and where we are going.
Who are you?
Who are you in this world? Your values will tell you. They’re the things that make you fundamentally who you are at your core. They are the bricks in the glorious and utterly unique house of you.
Knowing what your values are will help you to make soulful decisions for your business. {And soulful decisions, by the way, generally translate to cash.}
I’ve written before about some values clarification tools that will help. (I like to help…it’s a core value of mine).
Also notice who you admire and why. What do they stand for? Likely rooted in there are some of your values.
Once you’ve gained on your values, start to notice what might be missing for you right now.
For instance: my plans for the next two months involve a lot of writing and one-on-one coaching. Which fully honours my values of connection and creativity. Awesome. But performance and leadership is missing. So, it’s time to start booking some speaking gigs. Check!
Lean into the values that aren’t being honoured in your business. Notice how exciting that feels. Pretty hard to not focus on something that feels exciting, non?
Where are you going?
If you don't know where you are heading, then you don’t know which way to go.
This ain’t rocket science (and yet…)
Get clear on your vision.* What do you want for your business? What feelings do you want to experience? What is your dream for your business? Get as granular as you like (say, a vision for your products or services, your employee relations, your community contribution, etc). Whatever works for you.
Create a vision statement, a vision board, a manifesto…SOMETHING to keep your vision top of mind.
Now your action is intentional and keeps you pointed in the right direction.
So we're fired up, we have our vision. It's completely aligned with our values and we know where we're going. We are stoked and ready to try it all! So many shiny things…where to start?!!
VROOM VROOM
Action and motivation are like two buddies egging each other on at a frat house kegger. Being in action is motivating and this motivation stimulates the urge for action. We surf this powerful momentum and pile on the action because it’s all so tasty: new opportunities, new partners, new projects, oh my!
And THEN?????
OOPS happens
Like another 4-letter word, it is messy stuff. OOPS = over-operational planning syndrome.
Our momentum takes a nosedive. Action and motivation part ways to down some aspirin and snore off the effects of the kegger.
Call it the Dastardly Dip, call it what you will.
As a coach, my role is to be aware of that effect and help my clients to trim the wings before the nosedive.
Here’s how.
Yes’s and No’s
Making room for your vision to flourish, you probably need to start saying “no”. Most of us do. So you can say “yes” to the brightest possible version of your life and business.
Elegant in its simplicity. (And yet…)
You may choose to get rid of the ugly chair, to make space for the stunning one you’ve always wanted. Is that a partner? A product? A supplier?
You may need to say “no” to some customers. If you find that you are not giving the best of yourself, get curious about why. And know that your industry is too small for you to not be giving the best of yourself. It may well be them, or it may be you, but if there’s not a fit, the outcomes will be dire. That = bad business.
Lovingly and supportively release them into the arms of a colleague who may be better suited to them. And spend that found energy on finding your RIGHT people, and having them find you. Motivation restored. Back to action. But what actions?
Decision-making Matrix
A while back, I was in a program with Pam Slim and Chris Guillebeau (LOVE). I was introduced to another elegantly simple exercise. I’ve adapted it to suit my business and share (with permission from Chris) with my clients.
Draw a table. 6 columns by 6 rows. In the left hand column, list the projects that are sitting on your chest that may or may not want to get started. (Only consider projects that are in alignment with your values…but you knew that already, didn’t you?)
Fill the next 5 columns with filters that work for you. I use Vision (how aligned with my vision is this project…see why vision is critical?) + Interest (how excited am I to tackle this project?) + Profitability (how much cash will it bring in?) - Effort (how much time and energy will it take?) = Grand Total. Swap/add filters as you like (Reach may be more important to you than Profitability).
Subjectively rate each project on a scale of 1-5 (5 being highest). This simple exercise intended to get you clearer on what wants to happen in your business soonest. If you need to cut a project or two, pick the lowest. If you can only take on one right now, pick the highest. The rest can be put on a shelf with no remorse…you get to revisit them when the time’s right. So that “no” can become a “not right now”.
Buddy up
Holding a vision as big of yours is pretty weighty stuff. Who else can help you to hold it? A coach? Mastermind group? Accountability partner? Advisory Board? Assess your support network and consider how having someone else help you hold your vision will keep you on track.
You are one lean, mean, focused machine. Vroom vroom, indeed.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Crush on your business and your customers (not your competition)
In life and in business, we can spend an awful lot of time worrying about the competition. What they’re doing. Not doing. What they’re doing better than us. Smarter. Flashier. Faster. And it all adds up to feeling like you don’t add up. And while you know it to be an exercise akin to sniffing spoiled milk (you know it will smell awful and likely make you sick to your stomach) you spend far too much time stalking researching your competition on Twitter.
Here’s the tonic (gin optional). Your competition doesn’t care about you. Period. You are crushing on that cutie who doesn’t even know you exist. They’re in love with someone else: your customer.
Crush on your business instead.
Love your business into its greatness. Spending your days defining your unique offering? I guarantee you’ll not find the answers in your competitors’ sales pages.
Here’s a more soulful way: ask a friend to interview you. Video tape it and notice the energy hits and dips. What are you offering that makes you very useful? Why were you put on this earth to start this business? What is so easy for you that you barely realize it’s your gift? When do you feel strongest? What are you proudest of in your business? What’s the biggest version of what you’re creating? What are your peers saying about you at an awards ceremony five years from now?
Pretty quickly, you’ll get to the heart of your brilliance. Settle into your throne and bask in it.
Then do the work you love to do.
Keep your compass trained on where you want to go. Surround yourself with accountability support to keep you in action and away from the teat of spoiled milk.
Crush on your customers.
Love THEM into their greatness. What problems do you help them solve? How can you deliver your very best to them? What do your existing clients thank you for (and how can you give them more of that)? What else can you be giving them?
Thank them. A lot.
About that competition
Yes, it’s possible that your competition will beat you from time to time. You may lose that client, gig, or deal to someone else. Or to the market, the weather and a nasty bout of the flu. Worrying about any of that won’t do a single thing to stop it. The real enemy here is inertia, not your competition.
I am not suggesting that you turn a blind eye to what they’re up to in your shared space. Knowing who they are and what they are up to is indeed important. In fact, they even made a cameo in the SWOT analysis of your business plan. TWICE. Under threat (as in “HOLY %@&, someone else wants a piece of my pie”) and ALSO under opportunity. Remember why? Two good reasons:
If you’ve got competition, it means you are actually in a category and have a market. Bravo…you don’t have to educate your customers all by your lonesome. There are more of you out there banging the drums for hiring copywriters.
There’s nothing like it to breed innovation. What new channels can YOU come up with? What’s never been done before?
And once you’ve established that goodness, celebrate the yayness of competition and reach out to them. Connect. Commune. Maybe even collaborate. You each have something very different. Complementary, perhaps.
If that’s not available, lovingly let them do their thing. You do your thing. In your own voice. In your own way. With over 6 billion people in this world, the pie’s big enough for everyone’s unique brand of gorgeousness.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Tea with my Future Self
How woo-woo is the title of this post is? I mean, really. Tea? With my “Future Self”? Yet, there it is. Because I’m sharing this part of me in service of you.
Here’s why.
I love reading people’s letters to their 20-year old selves. If they knew then what they know now…that sort of thing. And as much as I feel like I could tell 20 year-old Tanya (“enjoy shooters now because you’ll find them repulsive soon”), I’m more interested in what 20-years-from-now Tanya has to say about things. She’s one smart cookie, that Tanya.
I know this because I’ve “met” her. Over a year ago in coach training with CTI…we did a Future Self visualization that blew me away. I saw, quite clearly, the woman I will be in 20 years. She is the sum of who I’m becoming.
The z in the formula x + y= z. And she’s got it going ON.
When faced with a tough choice, I’ll check in with my Future Self and just know what she’d do. Course corrected, wrong righted, inspiration reignited.
Given my propensity to interview inspiring people, I thought I’d do the same here with my Mother-of-All-Inspiration, my Future Self.
Here we go…cue the dream sequence music and wavy picture.
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I walk up the front walk way of a stunning home. Gardenias in full bloom…peppery floral scent sweetens the air. The door opens before I can knock it. 57 year-old Future Self Tanya knew I was coming.
There she is: Empress-like in her posture, a wicked gleam of fun in her eyes and warmth in her smile. We hug (heart to heart…the only way a hug counts). I notice she still wears our necklace.
In the living room, I settle in to a comfy armchair and take in the space. It’s Dwell meets French country. Reclaimed plank floors are scattered with Persian rugs. Pictures on the impressive mantle tell of a life of family, fun and travel. Colourful abstract art adorns every white wall.
She pours me a cup of tea (Mariage Frères, natch). A little milk and a little sugar. She takes hers black (I wonder when that happened).
(2010 me) - So, you look pretty happy here in 2030. How did we get here?
(Future Self) - You can call it following your heart, your north star, your values, your passion, your truth and it would all be correct.
I call it following my intuition. In 57 years, it has yet to steer us wrong.
And good people. We have very good people.
What am I doing now at 37 that is setting us up for where you are now? I guess I’m asking what you’re proud of me for doing in 2010?
Am proud of so much.
That you started to really respect cash and learned to be with money rather than without money.
That you decided not to let your weight control you (as much as you want to control your weight).
That you do your work with joy in your heart. And that you decided late in 2009 to only work with partners and clients that you really wanted to work with.
That you always smile at strangers.
That you realized that life balance is like an oasis - appealing from afar and yet ever elusive. Kind of dull too, frankly…always the same palm tree and pond. That you realized an alive life is what you wanted and would fight for.
That you stopped living for others, but continued to love them fiercely.
That you do love fiercely.
That you learned to say “no” so you could make room for so many “yes’s”. And there’s more work there for you too, Darling.
What do I need to let go of?
Needing to be right. It’s wrinkle-inducing. You’ll always LIKE to be right (that hasn’t changed) but it’s no longer a need.
The fact that not everyone will like and agree with you. It’s so much more than okay.
Mistrust…of others, but mostly of your own sweet self and your decision-making.
The “shoulds”…fully and completely. Recognize that they are like cigarettes - addictive and smelly at the same time.
Quantity. You’ve always known quality is where it’s at, so sink into it. In everything.
Do you think I should do the project that I've been invited to do?
You're reluctant to because you don't see it as being aligned with your path. And it may not BE, as you see it. Yet the partner that you are considering to co-create it with is the right one. This could be a fun process with unexpected outcomes.
What does it mean to have a life of no regret?
To live a life free of regret is to be free of regret. Simple. It’s a wasted emotion…and there are so many other, juicier emotions to be with. It’s self-indulgent goop. We don’t do that anymore. We dropped that as a gift to ourselves when we turned 40.
What do you still do that we used to do at 16?
Eat cookie dough.
Belt out Trooper’s “We’re here for a good time (not a long time)” when I hear it like it’s my job.
Where else in my life can I be digging in deeper right now?
The success is coming. So you can stop fretting about that.
Take that found energy and spend more sacred time with your family and friends. Be patient with Dad. You’ll be glad you did.
At home, play lots more. More puddles, more balloons, more “cooking classes”, more ant-watching.
Final question, when did we start to drink our tea black?
Great story. Funny as hell…but I’ll let you find out for yourself. Let’s just say it happened en route to India.
I thank her for the visit, and we hug again. Like friends who’ll be seeing each other soon.
******************************************
Back here in 2010, I am inspired and recharged. And I am clear about what my next steps are regarding the project. Crystal clear.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Gettin’ yer voice on with Emma Alvarez Gibson
I have this fundamental belief that successful businesses launch from passion. Am in good company here as we live in a glorious time where most coaches, consultants, fire starters and business mavens advocate the same. Passion can’t be taught, nor bought (though one of the aforementioned professionals can help you tease it out) and the root of the passion is always TRUTH. Now truth and passion may sometimes dance a sloppy two-step, but when they do sync up, you’ve got yourself some hip-shaking grease lightening.
What’s ALSO glorious about this time is that many people start their businesses with a blog. Maybe they start the blog first before they start the business, or maybe the business comes first and then the blog comes along as a marketing tool. Maybe it’s a “should” or an “oughtta” (I hope not…shoulds and oughttas = don’t bother).
I am getting somewhere…promise.
This whole blog thing can be a huge stopper for some people. From some of my clients, I hear:
What do I possibly have to say
Who could possibly want to hear it? {your people}
Where do I even start? {from here}
What’s my voice supposed to be?
So, when Facebook and Twitter friend Emma Alvarez Gibson posted a status update about her Brand Alchemy Sessions that address this very issue of finding one’s voice, I was curious.
So I messaged her about it and she responded with:
“Please, ask away! I really think I can help...this is one of the things I was born to do. Xoxo”
*Serious swoon* When people identify that they know what they were born to do, as in Life Purpose kind of stuff, I get goose bump-y and tingly with a desire to know more.
So, she graciously complied. Generous and lovely... a winning combo.
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Tell me more about how you were born to help in this way…I have my popcorn and am ready to hear it all. How did you discover this was your gift (and personal brand of genius)? Are there more?
I’m someone who’s always lived sort of between worlds. Ethnically, culturally, socioeconomically. Even in terms of interests, I’m all over the place. I’m fascinated by almost everything, and that includes people. It all, on some level, makes sense to me. Also, I’m—ahem!—highly sensitive. To...everything. Sounds, textures, colors, scents. People breathing at me wrong. (Just kidding! Ha, ha!) (Okay, not really.) (I am, a little.)
So, what this all means is that I tend to notice patterns that maybe not everyone notices. And that helps me better understand who and what I’m dealing with; I’m able to speak in the way that makes the most sense to them.
And that helps me to do what I think is really the big, big picture for me: doing what I can to make people feel acknowledged and accepted. A friend of mine once very kindly said that what I do is create space for people to be themselves, and I love that. It’s what I aspire to. Once in awhile I get it right, even.
Why do you think we struggle with finding our voice? What do you think holds us back?
There’s a sense of safety ascribed to fitting in, and it’s comforting to find that place where you’re safe and have a place and a purpose. Raising your voice, sticking your neck out, particularly during those hideously painful and awkward formative years, can cost you. Maybe it’s not worth the price, at that point in time, and maybe the safety is vitally important—and I’m being ironic here, because safety is vitally important—so you sort of put it aside and get on with things. We’re creatures of habit. Raising your voice becomes a language you used to speak. (Happily, it’s not hard to recover fluency.)
What’s the link between voice and brand?
Brand is currency. It’s about projecting a message, a sort of shorthand, to the world.
Voice is intimacy. It’s about how you connect, and what’s driving you, and about the sum total of your experiences.
(If brand is the cute boy with the black hair and guitar, then voice is how he looks at you, how he holds your hand.)
Do you use any filters in your writing…beyond the “knowing your audience” stuff? (I have a couple: that my words are aligned with my values, that mother-in-law will still take my calls and that I feel 80% proud of my posts…I’d still be working on my first post if I were going for 100%)
Authenticity, buzzword though it may be, is everything. But it’s hard sometimes to be authentic without hurting someone who matters. It’s a challenge I put myself through: how can I approach this story so that it’s about whatever it’s about, without creating regret or shame or whatever it might be, in anyone else? It can be a matter of the words you use or the words you leave out. Or a matter of structure or back story. If you truly want to tell your story, you’ll find a way to do it.
That said, sometimes it’s best to scrap the whole thing. (This is a general life rule, as well.)
When I hear crickets after posting on my blog (as in no one comments, responds or retweets) I tend to collude with my saboteurs who tell me that my writing is just not very good and blah de blah blah. And then I brush that off and get back to work. Sometimes it is easier than other times. What advice to you give to others in the same place?
Isn’t that crap, though? Ugh. It’s such a mental parlor trick, too. Because you tell yourself you shouldn’t care. It’s one post, it’s not a big deal, maybe nobody’s had time to read it yet, whatever. And then you feel even worse, because not only are you a loser whose blog nobody ever wants to read, but now you’ve got your knickers in a twist over something that doesn’t even matter and you are even lamer than you thought you were during your darkest moments at age 13! WHY DID YOU EVER THINK YOU SHOULD BE ANYWHERE NEAR THE INTERNET?
Yeah. I know. It totally sucks.
I find that it helps me to let myself feel bad for a couple of minutes. If I can tell myself, “Yeah, that…wow. I kind of feel like crying,” and not be judgmental or harsh about it, then I get over it much more efficiently. Acknowledging that it’s awkward or painful or whatever, and feeling it, helps me to move through the lameness, and then dump it. And, miraculously, by the time I’m done feeling it, I’m usually feeling pretty badass again.
Because it doesn’t really matter. This one post, this one lack of whatever, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’re sincere in your efforts. Listening to that still, small voice inside of you. Doing what you know you’re meant to be doing. Staying pure of heart and all of that. That’s what matters.
Attention is most excellent; it’s a fantastic buzz. Enjoy it when people tell you they love what you’ve written. But never forget that you’re doing this to fulfill some greater purpose.
And if that’s not why you’re doing it, stop. Go find whatever it is you are supposed to be doing.
I think it’s easy for new bloggers to default to others’ proven styles, and while imitation may be the highest form of flattery, am wondering where you think it gets someone if they appropriate another’s voice?
Ideally, it gets them to a place where they begin to recognize their own voice. Imitation is something we all do, to varying degrees. I learn best by doing, so I’ve always first sort of “traced” someone else’s work to start with. It gives you a reference point, shows you how to do something without having to suffer all the consequences of forging it yourself. And then you can move on and do all your own stunts.
(But actively trying to write like someone else, trying to pass it off as your own voice, is simply counterproductive. And stupid. )
I keep thinking of you as a writing voice coach….do you have any “scales” for someone to run through to get their voice on right now? With the same abandon they may have belting out Aaron Neville in the shower?
Think of something you did recently—went to buy a cup of coffee, say—and write it down as though you were telling your best friend about it. Keep it short. Then write down how you’d tell your grandmother about it. Then your boss. Then a co-worker. Then a child. Then someone you want to have dinner-and-a-movie with. (Yes. That is, in fact, a euphemism.)
Now read them all. What, besides the actual events, keeps coming through? If it seems like not much of anything, keep writing. Try a different story and do the same thing.
I really like the analogy of scales. They’re not exciting. They seem almost offensively primitive at first. (I took piano, so let’s run with that for a bit, shall we?) You think, “But I want to play piano, not play these same stupid notes up and down the keys for an hour. This isn’t music!” And you’re right, it’s not. But it is the only way to build a relationship with the instrument. Which is the only way to improve.
Whose voice do you love? This is veeeeeeery wide open here. It can be someone’s voice that just speaks to your soul in an authentic way, or someone whose content would be meaningless in another’s voice.
There’s a sort of “ping!” that I hear when the voice and the person are one and the same. (It’s similar to the “click” that I feel when I see good branding.) That’s what I love most, and it can happen with anyone’s voice. But if we’re talking a few favourites:
Blogs:
Maggie Mason (mightygirl.com)
Havi Brooks (fluentself.com)
Twitter:
Daniel Poeira (@daniel_poeira)
Daniel Thurston (@Daniel4is)
(I also follow people on Twitter who are not named Daniel.)
Books:
Joanne Harris (Chocolat, The Girl With No Shadow)
Frances Hodgson Burnett (A Little Princess, The Secret Garden)
Michael Ondaatje (The English Patient, In The Skin of a Lion, Elimination Dance)
All of the above:
William Gibson (williamgibsonbooks.com, @greatdismal, Pattern Recognition)
Frank Delaney (frankdelaney.com, @FDbytheword, Venetia Kelly’s Traveling Show)
In their own category:
Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement (flightoftheconchords.com)
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Raising your voice, creating space, talking about cute boys and authenticity. You love her too, don'tcha? You can find this whip-smart wordsmith, media maven, editrix extraordinaire at:
http://www.emmaalvarezgibson.com
twitter: @ealvarezgibson
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