Articles
Patterns, patterns everywhere
Lately, I’ve been kind of gob-smacked by how many people are showing up on my proverbial doorstep saying “I’m fed up with the pattern I keep reliving...it’s Groundhog Day all over again. It’s painful and damned stupid. I KNOW better, I keep trying to break it, but I keep getting sucked in, and it feels bloody disempowering” (or thereabouts). They in turn, are gob-smacked when I metaphorically seize them by the shoulders, shout “HUZZAH!!!!!” and have them join me in a high-kicking folk dance. I celebrate patterns.
Here’s why: unlike pattern’s kissing cousin “stuck”, there IS a neat and tidy formula to the pattern.
Now IF someone truly desires to step out of that pattern (and that “if” deserves capitals, because not everyone really wants to leave the safety of a pattern) it’s about as easy as 1-2-3 (or 1-2-3-4-5-6-7, depending on what it is).
Here’s how.
Write out the pattern
Make it goooood, robust and juicy. Make it yours. Own it. You keep reliving it so you MUST know the steps like the back of your hand, non? Like, you could teach a course on “how to fall out of love (with a person, idea, project)” or “how to be late for every single important event”, or “botching sensible weight loss plans” or “racking up debt”. In fact, assume you ARE teaching on course on your pattern. You are the world’s leading expert on it, after all.
Here’s an example. Say you’re a blogger. And say you don’t write as often as you’d like.
Your pattern MAY be:
You get an inspired idea. A fabulous, wonderful idea. You’re a little breathless, it’s just that good.
You sit down to write. But before you put fingers to keyboard, you decide to research who else has written about your topic, juuuuust in case.
You read and read. You make notes on what others are saying about your topic. You start getting a touch grumpy as you begin to believe you don't know anything about this stuff after all.
You start to try write in your voice. It’s feeling stilted because the wind’s out of your sails. Then your saboteur voices take over: “no one’s going to read YOUR take on this topic when they can listen to THEIR take on the topic”, and “everyone’s going to know you’re a fake”.
You back away from the computer and put your attention elsewhere. You know intellectually that this should refresh you.
You come back annoyed that you haven’t posted this damned thing yet. You soften the tone of the piece to make it more palatable for a broader audience.
You close your eyes and press “publish” and think it’s shit.
No one reads it (you know this because you obsess over blog traffic), which you hold to be confirmation that you’re not a very good writer and CERTAINLY not an authority on this or any topic.
Rinse and repeat.
Not overly surprising that with a pattern this you’re not writing as often as you’d like.
Here’s the thing about pattern-busting stuff. It feels scary. This pattern has been your default for, like, forever. And busting ANYTHING has a quality of mayhem and debris.
So let’s take it down a notch and woo-woo it up by calling it pattern “shifting”.
Make shifts happen
Now consider how you can make any number of incremental shifts at any given step in the above sequence. Not necessarily radical stuff, just manageable tweaks to your approach. One or many. (NB that the examples below are not intended to be sequential...that would be crazy talk).
For instance step #1 could be deciding WHO you’re writing this piece for. If it’s you, great. If it’s your readers, fab. If it’s for your future publisher, exquisite. Get clear. This will impact the outcome. You’ll notice that immediately when you get to step #2. It may even have you skipping that step.
In step #3, perhaps you decide to research only the ONE person you know or suspect is the master voice on this topic and reference them in your post. Or ask to interview them. This may become a video and the start of something great. Who knows?
Take #4. You might decide to press post when the saboteurs are the loudest. If they’re that loud you MUST be on to something good.
Maybe the “elsewhere” in #5 is writing about something new, like say, how crappy #4 is?
In #6 maybe you ramp up your tone (not down).
Maybe you DON’T press publish in #7. Maybe you pitch the piece entirely. (Oooh, what’s THAT feel like?)
Make any ONE of these shifts and #8 will look a lot different.
No way, no how am I suggesting that any of these are the RIGHT new paths…nor are they wrong. They’re just different from what the pattern’s been to date. What I am pointing to is that you don’t need to make a radical detour to impact the outcome. One shift can unravel, short-circuit, and destabilize any pattern…no matter how strong the hold it’s had on your life to date.
That’s what you wanted, isn’t it?
So, next time you notice a pattern, write it out. Mindmap it. Scribble it. Draw it. Whatever works for you to get it out where you can see it.
Brainstorm possible shifts for every step. As subtle or as loud as you like. Then try one or two shifts next time you get your super-hot, sweat-inducing fabulous blog post idea (or decide to lose weight or draft a budget, or, or, or).
Notice how easy that was. Notice and enjoy the newness of this outcome. Notice that you get to continue to recalibrate. Notice the power’s back where we like it. In YOUR hands.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
The myth of Everyone
“If I ___________________(launch this product/ ship this offering/ start my business/ say no), EVERYONE will think I’m _________________(too big for my britches/ out of my league/ a loser/ a geek/ a failure).” So, best to not ______________(launch/ ship/ start/ say no). Right?
Hmm. I wonder.
Who is this EVERYONE of which we speak?
Let’s try this exercise* in clarity: A) Name 5 people who might actually think you launching/ shipping/ starting/ saying no is indeed the most foolish/ geekiest thing to do.
B) Now, name 5 people who fully support your desire to launch/ ship/ start/ say no so you can say yes.
Got them named? Great. Now. Looking at the names in groups A and B: who do you really like? Who do you really admire? Who’s got your back? Who do you trust? Who would you invite to a dinner party with your loved ones?
Noticing something? Noticing that you’re starting to care a little less what group A thinks? Noticing that they’re feeling a little less “real”…like somehow the work of your own saboteurs?
If you’re not there yet, and still jonesing for the elusive approval of group A, let me tell you some good and bad news about them.
The bad news: they don’t care. They’ve got their own navels to admire.
The good news: they don’t care. They’ve got their own navels to admire.
So now…what are you going to do? Heed your heart's call by getting out of your own way so you can launch/ ship/ say no so you can say yes? Yes, I thought as much. We’ll be here…cheering you from the sidelines with your supportive group B peeps.
Go on then…everyone’s waiting.
* Devotional props to Pam Slim for shedding light on this piece of brilliance from Martha Beck. Simple and powerful, as all bits of genius are.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Inspirational Women’s Day
Of the many, MANY things I am grateful for in my life, having an abundance of inspiring women around me rates pretty high. Their gifts fill my heart, soul and mind. {Allow me to state this: I am blessed to be surrounded by many men I adore and whom inspire…howevs, it IS International Women’s Day, so, I’m sticking with my sisters.} Inspiration = in + spirare (latin for breath). And it is sooooo important to breathe, isn’t it?
When I am a quart low of inspiration, these are the women I turn to. You see, I believe that inspiration is all around us. It taps you on the shoulder all the time - you just may choose to ignore it. Stated more prettily:
Inspiration is very polite. She knocks softly and then goes away if we don’t answer. - Mary Pipher
So I am pretty intentional about going out and huffing it in when I need it, like a sleep-deprived travelling salesman at an oxygen bar. I fill up my lungs with the good stuff.
Some of my sources of inspiration, you’ll not meet on-line. And how they inspire me may not be of interest to anyone else. Like my Mom for teaching me that living joyfully is really the only sensible way (more on her teachings in The Joy Pages, over on the right hand side of this site), or my sister for showing me the grace in contentment. Or my beloved clients for the bravery they show in their desire to step boldly into their best selves. Or my Mother-in-Law for epitomizing commitment. Or my Aunt for being a beacon of strength. Or my close friends for the meaning of unconditional love. Or my daughter for the reminder to slow down even as she grows at a breakneck speed.
Apart from my Future Self, here are my sources of inspiration that you CAN find on-line:
When I need to explore wholeheartedness, I breathe in Brené Brown.
When I need courage, I breathe in Lisa Chandler.
When I need to some wide-eyed wonder, I breathe in Teresa Deak.
When I need a shot of whip-smart sassiness, I breathe in Kelly Diels.
When I need to find soul-nourishing beauty, I breathe in Jamie Ridler.
When I need to know resilience and "never-too-latedness", I breathe in Debra Eve.
When I need nice (ONE of my favourite four-letter words), I breathe in Carrie Klassen.
When I need to remember to savour AND serve, I breathe in Jen Louden.
When I need to find the middle ground between heart and mind, I breathe in Laura McGrath.
When I need to be return to the feminine essence, I breathe in Dara McKinley.
When I need to see the power in vulnerability, I breathe in Lindsey Mead.
When I need to be reminded about what wonders are available to all beyond the cubicle, I breathe in Pam Slim.
When I need to bring back the fabulous, I breathe in Katia Millar.
When I need to see the value in connectedness, I breathe in Tia Singh.
When I need some bombastic instigation, I breathe in Dyana Valentine.
Please do find them. Soak in their goodness, their teachings and then, breathe out. Energized and inspired.
Kind of like love and money, inspiration is meant to be shared. My request is this: take a moment to share in the comments which women inspire YOU.
And then, just because it will feel so damned good: tell them.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Fitting in
It’s starting to happen. Approaching seven years old, my daughter’s becoming preoccupied with what others think of her. And what they think is starting to inform her choices. She no longer chooses to wear her cute and kicky hats indoors. No one else wears them, after all. That pre-historic amygdala at the base of her brain is starting to run the show. It tells her, in its lizard-y rasp:
“Keep your head down, kid. Take your hat off. Fit in. Play with those girls even if they’re mean because they’re cool. Put down the salmon and pick up the cheese pizza (I mean, seriously…what’s WRONG with you? All kids like cheese pizza and French fries). Pretend you’re crushing on Justin. All girls your age like him. Above all else, fit in. For the love of God, Child. FIT. IN.”
Excruciatingly painful to watch.
Because all I want, as her Mama, is for her to recognize and love herself as her own person. As she is. For her to not need/want to be “less than”, “more than” or anything “other than” the wonder that she is. Naturally.
And if I’m being honest, I want the world to appreciate her for all that she is…without insisting that she fit in.
I wish the same, of course, for myself.
I have made countless choices in my own life that have been informed by my own lizard brain: I have used a voice that wasn’t my own; shared opinions that weren’t my own; exhibited styles that weren’t my own; and professed love that wasn’t my own. Every one of these choices has led me down a path of discontent, all in the name of fitting in.
Fitting in with whom, I am not sure. With the cool kids, I guess. Fitting in to what end, I am less sure. So no one will see me for the magnificence that I am? Meh, that doesn’t sound like me. Besides, we’re all cool kids in someone else’s eyes.
Here’s what I’m learning:
I think that fundamentally we don’t want to fit in. I think fundamentally we want to be appreciated for who we are. In fact, I suspect that is our deepest desire.
Try this on for size and see how IT fits:
“I’m different. And I like it.”
No screaming hand-waving LOOK-AT-ME-AND-HOW-CRAZY-OUT-THERE-DIFFERENT-I-AM. Just different. Naturally so.
A final thought. Next time you feel pulled to be other than (less than, more than) glorious YOU, take a moment to pause. Breathe. Then ask yourself these two questions: “What do I REALLY want here?” and “How do I want to show up?”
I bet that quiets your lizard brain. It detests those questions (the ones that bring you out of your head and into your heart).
That’s the work. It starts with you. It starts with me. It starts with my kid.
Off we go…wearing our kickiest hats.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Seth Godin went and took the words out of my mouth. And said it better. Again.
This is the second time I'm quoting Seth Godin this morning. And it's only 9 am. The first time was at 4 am (I was coaching a client on the other side of the world). We were talking about "lizard brain". Mostly, I've been thinking about "big plans" and how the lizard brain LOVES to shut 'em down. So I wanted to write about it. And then I received THIS in my inbox.
I cannot, EVER, top this.
In all its reprinted glory, I give you what Seth Godin scooped from my brain:
Make Big Plans
...that's the best way to make big things happen.
Write down your plans. Share them with trusted colleagues. Seek out team members and accomplices.
Shun the non-believers. They won't be easily convinced, but they can be ignored.
Is there any doubt that making big plans increases the chances that something great will happen?
Is there any doubt that we need your art and your contribution?
Why then, are you hesitating to make big plans?
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Love+Joy+Clarity
Happy Love+Joy+Clarity Day, y’all! “What, huh?”
Well, maybe you’ve noticed all the red hearts and cards floating around today. "LOVE"! Chocolatey, spicy, colourful and kissy. Whether you’re in love or not, it’s hard not to appreciate a dazzle of hot pink in an otherwise drab and gray month.
So, Valentine's Day = the LOVE piece.
That leads me to “JOY” (love has that effect on me). Am beyond thrilled to introduce the little eBook that’s been in my heart: The Joy Pages. Inspired by my Mom’s beautiful mantra “don’t postpone joy”, my hope is that it inspires the same in you. Go ahead and get yours by subscribing over there in the pretty right hand column. (Don’t you dig the branches spilling out where they have no business spilling out? As Carrie said when she designed it: “I love the idea of joy that will not be bound by sidebar delineations.” What a fabulous metaphor). Please take some time with the exercises, enjoy it and spread it around. With huge thanks.
And finally: CLARITY. I A-D-O-R-E clarity. For me, clarity is the birthplace of genius. Oh, it’s elusive all right. It taunts, it teases, it dances just out of reach. And yet. YET. It’s there…ours for the taking. So let’s get you some, shall we?
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.