Articles
Significance in insignificance
Yesterday was a glorious autumn day here in Toronto. Unseasonably warm, yet with a shimmer of coolness. Brilliant foliage against the backdrop of a dazzling blue sky. I left my husband and daughter down at the beach to collect rocks while I went off on a run. I inserted my earbuds, selected my run mix then hunkered down intent on making good time.
I started to notice the leaves dance around my feet, and realized that I was missing their satisfying crunching sound, so I turned off the iPod. I became entranced by the leaves' dance...there was purpose and abandon. Then I started to notice the butterflies shyly darting before me, twirling to their own rhythm. I noticed the volleyball players to my left had their own beat: volley, set, spike while the waves kept their own time as did my own feet. Dogs, children, birds...all with something to sing.
Music, everywhere. Disjointed and messy and exquisitely gorgeous. Everyone a musician, revelling in their beat. Each piece, equally significant in its insignificance.
It reminded me that we are perpetually in process. A hot, chaotic, cacophony that resolves into beauty...you just need to step back to fully appreciate it.
This performance by Bon Iver on Jimmy Fallon articulates this far better than any words I have. (Be patient with the 30 second advertisement...this is worth the wait). Especially around 3:41. Promise.
Our lives feel like these epochs, but really we are dust in the wind. But I think there’s a significance in that insignificance.
- Justin Vernon (Bon Iver)
Yes.
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Thing Finding Thursday With Dyana Valentine
What's Your Thing?
You now know that this is one of my favourite questions. To ask and to help others answer.
I found my thing - and kapow! finding my thing was a game-changer, a life-changer - and over and over again, that's what clients come to me for: help figuring out what they want to do with this one wild and precious life.
And you and I aren't the only ones committed to you finding your thing.
Oh no. Not by a long shot.
Dyana Valentine is another one.
And mercy me, this woman is not for the faint of heart. She’s spent the past 12 years instigating entrepreneurs and teams to complete seemingly impossible projects—we’re talking major brand overhauls, six-figure product launches, full-fledged manuscripts. She serves up straight-from-the-hip advice in online magazines and columns all over the ‘net…in a past life, she was an idiot-savant microsurgery tech, worked for the Olympic Games organizing committee, and was personally approached by the FBI with a recruitment invitation—for classified reasons – on two separate occasions. She's a writer, speaker, instigator, and creator of the incredible Woke Up Knowing Experience.
So, clearly:
Dyana KNOWS about things. And finding things.
And sharing. She loves to share. And so for this week's Thing Finding Thursday, Dyana and I talked about your catalogue of things, tying shoes, and being your own investigative reporter.
Go on and love her.
You heard, that, right?
"You have a CATALOGUE of things."
"Just because your GOOD at something DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE ANY BUSINESS DOING IT."
AND finally: "believe yourself."
You feel the shudder of resonance, right?
Me too.
Find more Dyana goodness: www.dyanavalentine.com + @DyanaValentine
Know this: We are gaining on finding your thing. Oh yes we are.
More fabulous people + resources coming your way every Thing Finding Thursday. So keep showing up.
PS - that amazing friend Skylar? Also an amazing artist: Check him out: Skylar Fein.
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Transcript for your reading pleasure
Tanya Geisler: And I know that you and I share the belief that everybody got a thing.
Dyana Valentine: Or that everybody has a catalogue of things, which is what I’m starting to discover. So, I’m even in a transition right now where my thing is morphing. I am, as I’m sure you can tell, I’m fairly animated, right?
Tanya: Mm-hmm. Little bit.
Dyana: One of the things that happens is, the more us we are, the more we tap in to things that are really meaningful to us and might not have seemed important but that sort of keep coming back. So, I’ll give you a little story.
When I was about 5 years old, or maybe I was 4 I can’t remember when you learn to tie your shoes, but it’s sometime before major school starts kind of age, I learned how to tie my shoes. And the feeling to be somebody who’s sort of waist high to everyone, and everybody is always having to like help you in and out of things, and on and off of things, and you know there is all this power stuff that happens around when you are 4 or 5? And learning how to tie my shoes, was a time where I literally felt like I was a foot taller.
I just was so proud of myself. And I was so amazed that I didn’t know how to do it before that time. You know when learn something and you say “Ah! How could I have not known how to do this before?” So I made it my personal mission to teach as many little kids how to tie their shoes as I could.
Okay, here’s what that looked like: Grocery store with mom, my mom at that time was 25, she’s a young woman, she’s working her butt off, right? So, we are at the grocery store and I am walking up and down the aisle looking for kids.
I’d sidle up to them and say “Hi, I’m Dyana. Do you know how to tie your shoes?” And the little kids go like this. And I’d say “Sit down. I’m going to show you right now.”
So the entire calendar year, I was an insane person about teaching other kids how to tie their shoes.
Now, this is a kid’s story, right? I didn’t even recall this story until some years ago, I think my mom reminded me of it and I thought “That’s my thing!” I learn something, and I couldn’t believe how it changed my life therefore I must share it with the world, period. There is not an option. If I found something that took me out of that place where I would do anything I could do to stay under the covers for a period of time. Where I was, I had just finished my Masters degree, my business was growing and it was kind of growing faster than I was ready for it to grow, and I was like “I can’t take the pressure!” You know?
So, in that time here is this story and I thought “Okay, I’m going to teach people how to tie their shoes.” In business, and in life and
So I say we just all look for that story or look for that thing. Or, even ask our parents, or our friends, or our kids to tell use stories about ourselves and what they see in us in our most natural states and see if there is something there that resonates.
Just play with it.
Tanya: what about strengths? How do people know what their strengths are?
Dyana: Well, there are a lot of ways into that. I mean, I think that just because you are good at something doesn’t mean you have any business doing it. So that’s something I feel very strongly about because I spent years doing things that I was perfectly good at and in fact other people thought I was brilliant at, and they made me want to stick a pen into my eye. But, I kept doing them because I was like “Oh, I have a job. So I have a job, so that’s good.”, and whatever. You know, all the sort of requirements, and I was really bummed out.
It sort of took a friend of mine calling me out on that. So my friend Skylar, we had been friends for years and he was just hilarious and fun and just bare and one of those core, core friends who really knows you. After I finished a job, a big involved 70 hour a week intense job for 4 years, the project finished so I ended that job and I was having a phone conversation with him after as I was sort of debriefing that experience and he said “I need to tell you something.” And I said “Okay, go ahead.” And he said “If you ever take a job like that again, that has nothing to do with who you are, I’m not going to be available to you, as a friend.”
So the reason I bring this up in the context of strengths is that I hear Skylar’s voice every time I’m on the precipice of doing something I’m good at, but isn’t necessarily rooted in my strengths and isn’t necessarily based on my values. So that is why I put it in context, because a lot of times people think that your strength, is what you are good at.
You may be absolutely fantastic at cooking for people, and you may not want to do that day in and day out, right? Especially if you’ve already done that for your 2, or 3, or 4 kids and your spouses and your family and stuff like that. You may not want to be professional chef even though you do that and be good at it.
Tanya: Mmm.
Dyana: So, my way into a strength conversation is to look at those things that without them, you would have a different name, basically. Like my name would be Matilda, if my strength was getting like little particular things done and making Excel spreadsheets. I would literally be a different person.
Tanya: Yep.
Dyana: That is not where my strengths are, by the way (laughter). But, my name is Dyana Valentine, and I am absolutely rooted in my power and my strength when I am on stage live and I am interacting with a giant audience.
Okay, so that’s the litmus test. For me, I like to like to process with other people. If you want to practice, this is for you and for all the people watching, if you want to practice seeking out your strengths like a little investigative reporter? You can start to talk about the things you are good at. Talk about the things you really like. Talk about what you value, and have somebody else listen to you, and listen for when that zing happens. To listen for when they go “Oh, oh wait! What did you say? Say that one again.” Just play with about yourself. We are not used to talking about ourselves.
Tanya: But do we need to hit a wall?
Dyana: A trauma, yeah. I think that … I don’t think so. I think that that is a very commonly held concept, that you have to hit bottom before you can bounce back up or something. I’m kind of a drama queen, so I love theories like that because then I’m like “Oh, right… so I have to be more depressed.” So I’ll be like “Okay, I should probably have an extra bottle of wine on hand then”, for that. You know for that transition or whatever. But really I don’t think so, because even in this past year I’m been making a transition to do more speaking and more sort of performing of stories and using that as a catalyst for people to change, and I haven’t had a major trauma.
Tanya: Yeah.
Dyana: But I did have a sense that something needed to come out, and I just kept trying to pay attention to it and listen and to quiet down and listen a lot. So sometimes it can be a major trauma, or a major belly flop of a failure or something, but I don’t think –I don’t know, I’m not really into that whole punishment model, that you have to pay your dues, and all that stuff. I just don’t – I think that can be kind of destructive. So I’m going to go with no.
Tanya: Yeah, I think you should go with no. I like that.
Tanya Geisler: what do you want, this is so big, but what do you want for the people that are watching right now? What do you want for them?
Dyana: Here is what I want for you, all of you watching this: I want for you to believe yourself. And I don’t mean believe in yourself, but I want to believe yourself. I want you to believe what you experience. I want you to believe what you say to yourself, and to other people. I want you to believe that you are on the planet and we are happy that you are here. I want you to believe that if you know something is not good for you that you can make that change. You don’t have to make it now, but I want you to believe that you know the difference between right and right now.
+++++++++++++++++++
Hot, hot stuff.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Thing Finding Thursday With Jenny Blake
What's Your Thing?
I admit it: it's a fascination. A necessity. A mission.
I found my thing - and kapow! finding my thing was a game-changer, a life-changer - and over and over again, that's what clients come to me for: help figuring out what they want to do with this one wild and precious life.
Again: necessary. A mission. For you and me.
So if you're asking yourself "What's my thing?", then Thing-Finding Thursday is for you...and we're kicking it off college and closets and cupcakes, oh my!
In other words, I talked to Jenny Blake. Jenny Blake is a popular blogger and life coachess with the mostess (umm, my words, that probably wasn't in her official bio), creator of Make Sh*t Happen, an eight week course where you take your "improbable idea and turn it into inevitable success", and author of Life After College, a book she describes as what happens when Twitter meets What Color is Your Parachute. It's part journal, part motivator, and part guidebook, and all useful - like having a life coach in your purse. If you're carrying the book around in your bag...and you'll want to.
And oh yeah, Jenny worked for a lil' company you might have heard of. Google. Which she loved...and helped her find her way to her thing, which is coaching. So she knows a little sumthin' sumthin' about life-changing, "soul-stirring" decisions.
That's why I had to talk to her for Thing Finding Thursday - and why I think you'll connect with what she has to say about how you can find your thing.
I love it when it's simple: what do you really want?
Or maybe it's the question that is simple, because the response is magnificent. When you answer it - with words, spirit, action - the joy begins.
So keep asking it. Every time you ask it of yourself, you'll get a little closer to your thing.
And I'll keep asking it, too. Every Thing Finding Thursday.
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Transcript for your reading pleasure
Tanya: So, Jenny Blake, how did you find your thing?
Jenny: I found my thing – I use this analogy that it’s like revamping your wardrobe – I had started working at a startup company out of school and little by little I just, it’s like cleaning out your closet, where I looked at the things that I was doing in my day to day job, what I really enjoyed and how I could do more of it and what I was not so happy with and how I could get rid of it or offload that or move into something else. And that kind of took me along this path of working at a startup company doing online advertising, managing our websites, managing the office, into Google where I started delivering AdWords product training. I realized I loved working with people but I was sick of talking about AdWords.
Tanya: Right.
Jenny: I eventually found coaching and then from coaching it led me to my two parallel lives of eventually making it onto the current development team at Google, and also starting my own blog, which was truly where I really get to express myself and explore what I’m most passionate about. And that blog has since led to the book, Life After College: The Complete Guide to Getting What You Want.
Tanya: We can see what your thing is. Like, this is where you are really lit up.
Tanya: And then, so you’re in this illustrious university and you’re sort of partway through your studies and doing really well because you’re Jenny Blake and you do really well. And so, halfway through this is when you decided to go for the startup. Right?
Jenny: Yeah.
Tanya: So, you and I like to use coach-y words like “values.” So what? You know, just because it was a zigzag. It was a zag, I guess, when you could have zigged or whatever, but you when over here. What values were you honoring in that moment for making this pretty bold decision?
Jenny: What an amazing question. No one’s ever asked me that before. The values that it honored for me were growth. I knew that I had been working with this professor, when she offered me the job I knew that the potential for my own personal growth was going to be astronomical being the first employee at this company.
And possibility, and that feeling that I was really going to be challenging myself.
Almost too, part of it was like, I have a value around independence and with trusting my gut, and I think a big part of it was I just knew I would regret saying no. But there wasn’t really a scenario in which I could see myself regretting saying yes and just giving it a shot.
Tanya: Two things are showing up here too. One of them that probably makes you a hellaciously awesome coach is that your intuitions are really, really, really strong right, so that’s awesome. And second is clearly ease. Like, what I’m loving about this is that there really doesn’t seem to be a lot of struggle.
Jenny: Yeah. And I think it’s just creating the space, and then listening for things to happen and sometimes I listen better than others and sometimes I have what I refer to as my, “Universe smacks me upside the head” moments where it’s like I haven’t gotten the signs early enough. But we all figure it out eventually.
Tanya: Absolutely. Okay, so let’s not be afraid of walls. Walls create clarity. Like, we get really clear on what we don’t want, right?
Jenny: One of my favorite quotes is, “You have to say no to the good so that you can say yes to the great.” Sometimes you’re saying no to a good job or a good opportunity, but for you as an individual or for me, it’s not great. It’s not soul stirring.
Tanya: I had this conversation fairly recently with somebody and she was saying, “Don’t say yes to your good ideas. Say yes to your genius ideas.”
Tanya: Oh, yeah baby!
Tanya: There is a question that you and I both know is like, the key to everything and that is, “What do I really want?” So why is it such a hard question for people to answer? Some of the viewers right now are sort of thinking, “If I knew what I want I’d be going for it.”
Jenny: “I wouldn’t be here!”
Tanya: That’s right! So why is it such a hard question? What’s wrapped up in, “What do I want?”
Jenny: In my thinking, there’s two things going on. One, that question is like a layer cake. And I love cupcakes so I’m just going to go with the cake metaphor that we can ask, “What do I really want?” And it’s not the first answer or the second or the third, sometimes it’s the tenth time in a row that we’ve had to ask that we really figure it out.
Another, when I’m teaching coaching I use the metaphor of a tree. And the first time we say, “What do I really want?” it’s the roots. We’re getting at the surface. But every time we ask that question again and again we’re getting really deep, deep, deep into the very lowermost roots of the tree. And I think sometimes people give up at the first surface level answers that come up. “What do I really want? A good job.” Okay, what’s important to you about that? Like all these questions that you and I use all the time, but I think people stop too soon and don’t give themselves the space.
And then I think a second barrier is exactly what we were talking about, about having to throw things away. Sometimes in order to admit what we really want there are some scary questions that we don’t know how to answer yet about are we going to disappoint someone or do we have to let something go. Sometimes I think it’s just too scary and we don’t want to look under the hood at that moment.
Tanya: In this kind of work a lot of saboteurs do tend to show up.
Jenny: Yeah, raging.
Tanya: Well, there’s a lot of, “Why haven’t you figured this out yet?” So, a lot of judgment, a lot of judgment.
Jenny: Right. Everyone else has figured it out.
Tanya: Yeah, what’s wrong with you?
Jenny: Totally.
Tanya: What other saboteurs do you think show up when people are trying to find their thing, and what kind of swords can we give them?
Jenny: First of all, I’m so glad that you asked this because inner critics exist, and we all have them and those of us that beat ourselves up because we have them, we’re missing the point that it’s like, part of the human condition for some odd reason, that we have these. And one of the exercises in my book, I call it the “Inner Critic Inventory.” I always tell people when you have this rushing wave of inner critics, first of all it’s a sign that you’re on exactly the right track, and second there’s information there.
You’re too old, you’re too young. I think a lot of times, when we’re answering the specific question, “What do I really want?” or, “What am I most passionate about?” it’s like, “Well, am I even capable of that? Is that possible?” I had a coach tell me, “Don’t get caught up in the tyranny of the hows.” We get so worried about how. “Well, if I want to be a blogger, how do I set up a blog, and how do I get started, and how do I build an audience?” And the noise level there becomes so high that we’re paralyzed out of taking action.
Tanya: And the inventory. I mean, I think it’s really cathartic stuff to have people sort of start to identify, and then even personify them a little bit. So you really have a sense of, “Oh, that’s Bertha. That’s Bertha, oh yeah bring it Bertha! What do you got to say today, Bertha?”
Jenny: And there’s a quote I read somewhere that I loved too, that “intelligence is about knowing what questions to ask.” It’s not necessarily having the answers yet. So I love that idea that, if we can at least just frame up the questions: “What do I really want? What do I most desire?”, that we are more than halfway there.
Tanya: Oh, yes baby! Thank you, thank you! Jenny, one final, where can people find you?
Jenny: You can find me, my blog is lifeaftercollege.org, the website for the book is lacbook.com, and I’m on Twitter @jenny_blake. I would love to hear from any and all of you, so thanks so much Tanya for having me.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
NEW! Thing Finding Thursday
Hello Lovelies, Been immersed in researching for a new offer that I'm developing. {Top secret.} Noooooo it's not. It's fully not. It's about finding your THING. The thing that feels like your purpose. The thing that has you living your values. The thing that makes you shout that effusive, OHHHH YES!!!
It's starts this Thursday. Make sure you sign up for my posts (if you haven't already). Some great people and fun things are coming to this space.
Promise.
PS - and that cutie tabby-siamese in the background? That's Ramona...she also wants you to find your Thing. We all do. XO
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
My road to coachdom, and introducing Kate's "The Coaching Blueprint"
A long time ago, I was in a rather, shall we say, “unfulfilling” career. Plenty of good stuff, to be sure, like, ummm, a steady paycheck and no-guilt breaks to grab a Starbucks with a colleague, wherein we’d complain and natter about our meany boss and how under-appreciated we were. My husband would pick me up at the end of the day, and I’d continue my tale of woe-is-me. (Sidebar: I was a real joy to be married to.)
Rinse and repeat.
I climbed the ladder. I got paid more. And then more. And things were supposed to be good. ‘Cause good bucks = good career, right?
And then the complaints would evolve slightly. Under-appreciative bosses would be the main course, with a sprinkling of whining about the art department, and a side of unreasonable clients. And there would be cocktails at the end of the day. Often many.
Rinse and repeat.
The year that our daughter was born (2004), my mother passed away. And in that time of life and death, it became crystal, CRYSTAL clear: my mom’s mantra “don’t postpone joy” wasn’t just a pretty catch phrase; it was the secret to personal fulfillment.
We are meant to live joyfully. We are meant to live FULL lives…not just after 5pm.
It’s a sin that it took her passing for me to face it, but as we know, life wakes you up when you need it most, whether you’re ready or not.
Let me say this: I am incredibly grateful to my time in my former career. If I fumbled along too long, not questioning what I was truly called to do, I was simply being a martyr. And fearful of change.
And so because I was so clear about what I enjoyed about work in that career (thrills, creativity, leadership, collaboration) AND what I didn’t enjoy (micro-management…mine and others’, dissonant project work, etc) it made my “what’s next” option a whole lot juicier.
In that process, I developed the Board of Your Life program when I realized there were many, many like me, successful in careers and scared to leave for fear of what might be next. It’s an incredibly powerful and supportive program that to this day makes me proud to have conceived it.
In that process, I realized I was a Coach. Always had been, always will be.
And the angels sang.
My heart was bursting with joy that I could apply all of my favourite skills, help people’s lives immensely, witness cathartic breakthroughs, help mend marriages, forge incredible businesses and have people live their truths. AND GET PAID FOR IT.
So, I trained with CTI, became certified and started a business. Just like that.
Except, the “starting a business” part wasn’t “just like that.”
It was hard. And scary. And uncertain. And confusing. How much to charge? Board of Trade? Niche? Target market? Which events to focus on? How much time+money on marketing? EVERYONE SAYS I’M A FABULOUS COACH SO WHY AM I NOT MAKING ANY DAMNED MONEY?!
But my love of coaching sustained me. And a hellaciously supportive network.
What I was yearning for was a Blueprint. The Coaching Blueprint. That Kate Swoboda…she’s a smart cookie. She done did it.
And if you’re a new coach, this is a fabulous e-book resource for you. Kate pulls back the curtain on how to build a sustainable coaching practice because, in her words, “you did not leave a job that was not fulfilling you only to start working in another field and then have that not fulfill you”.
True dat.
It is a HUGE feather in my cap that I am one of the coaches she interviewed (and a proud affiliate, to boot) along with these folks that I admire: Julie Daley, Jamie Ridler, Dyana Valentine, Michael Bungay Stanier, Pam Slim, Tara Sophia Mohr, Tara Gentile, Jennifer Lee, Michelle Ward, Bridget PilloudandSteve Bearman.
You can pre-order it now for some fun extras (including a 60-day membership workflow app called Satori developed by my new buddyLachlan Cotter). In the meantime, here’s a wee excerpt of our interview…oh it was fun!
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Simple, and yet...
Today, I am focusing my attention on these questions (posed by my favourite yogi Eoin Finn): How can I be more loving?
How can I be more kind?
How can I have more fun and spread more joy?
Join me?
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.