Articles
Tantrummy Toddlers + Inner Critics
Quick. Name three things toddlers hate:
.
.
.
Got them?
I’ll go first:
Change.
Being ignored.
Feeling unsafe.
How’d I do? Pretty close?
I’d like to submit for your consideration that toddlers have a boatload in common with our inner critics.
Unconvinced? Read on.
They both despise change.
To wit: ever tried to get a toddler to leave the playground/library/house? Ever tried to launch something new? Decided to take a bold leap? Oh, the howling. The HOWLING.
And if you ignore the screaming…
What happens next? They (both) go ballistic. Flinging sippy cups and beratement your way.
But if you lean in and listen…
…REALLY listen, you’ll hear they both want just want to know that they’re safe. Loved. Heard. Held. That you’ve got this.
I know, I know. It's hard.
They know how to play you (‘cause they have the inside scoop and know your trigger points) and they do. And we KNOW there’s no negotiating with them. But for all the “kick ‘em to the curb” language in the land of self-development about dealing with the inner critic, it really doesn’t work. Nor does screaming at it, cutting it off, walking away or shaming it. (And we know you wouldn't dare try any of that crap with a toddler).
Your inner critic is a part of you. A noisy, messy part of you. But an integral part.
Try this
Just like you might with a tantrummy toddler*, imagine getting down to eye level with your inner critic, taking a deeeeeeep breath (or three) and calmly, patiently and with curiosity ask what they REALLY want. What they’re here to tell you. And then listen. Listen deeply. Listen for the fear.
Most often, I think you’ll hear:
I’m afraid we’ll look foolish.
I’m afraid that we’ll fail.
I’m afraid we’ll lose it all.
Oh.
Do you see why they’ve been so vocal? This is big. For them, this is even bigger than big. It’s everything.
Now hand them a metaphorical mum-mum while you absorb what they’ve just shared.
What are they trying to show you? What do they want you to protect on their behalf? Which of your values are they fiercely wanting you to honour?
Maybe their “we’ll look foolish” is pointing to your value of accomplishment.
Maybe their “we’ll fail” is pointing to your value of excellence.
Maybe their “we’ll lose it all” is pointing to your value of freedom.
Take a moment to notice how much calmer they are already. (You both are). In their outburst, there was 2% of truth that they needed you to hear. (The other 98% of sheer red-faced rage has been dissolved). Can you hear that truth? That those values are sacrosanct to you and that you must find a way to honour them as you move forward? And that you will?
And now, will you thank them for their deep care and assure them that you’ve got this? Kiss them on their sweet forehead as you tuck them into her snugli and get going. Proceed as planned, holding those values sacred. The waters are calm…and we’re ready for your new. So are you.
Yeah. You’ve got this.
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We all trip up. We all lose our way. We all get jumbled in the "should I" vs "shouldn’t I" cage match. Answering “what kind of person do you want to be?” is a never-miss shot of clarity. Character-revealing. Your next steps may not always be easy, but they are clear.
Watch on.
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So...will you consider:
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Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Beautiful Feathers
As a young girl, my appetite for princess stories was voracious. The singing, the woodland creatures, the ball gowns, the conquering of evil, the comeuppance, and, of course, the happily ever after. But before any happily-ever-after could be requited, the narrative arc needed to be crested, and the villain’s main motive was always the same: jealousy. The evil stepmother. The ugly stepsisters. Ursula. Maleficent. The Queen. Each woman more jealous than the last. Covetous of our heroine’s unparalleled beauty, kindness, capacity to love and be loved, resilience, and charm, they were cruel and vicious towards her.
When I was teased in grade school, my beloved Mama would soothe my brow with assurances that those other girls were “just jealous.” In my mother’s eye, I was that princess of unparalleled beauty, kindness, capacity to love and be loved, resilience and charm. “Stay away from them” was the directive. And a subtle distrust of other girls was born.
It ebbed and flowed over the years, to be sure. True and enduring 2 am call friendships would become forged that weren’t fraught with jealousy and tension. But a deep-rooted belief existed that somewhere lurked a woman (women?), jealous of me and my gifts who wanted nothing more than to peck my eyes out with her talons.
“Staying away” came to mean:
Keep your head down. Don’t shine too brightly (you may become a target). Don’t ask for help (scavengers will feast on your weakness).
Over time, this got pretty stale. As I started to become awake to my purpose on this sweet orb called earth, I knew there was another way. In fact, MANY other ways, and none that required me to keep to my small, safe and quiet path.
If I was to fully step into my purpose (and really...you don’t say “no” to your purpose), there was no way I’d be able to hold it alone.
I would need to trust in others. I would need to ask for help. I would need to shine brighter.
So I did.
And who showed up? Not a single vicious predator, but rather flocks and flocks of beautiful soul sisters. Mentors. Colleagues. More 2 am friends. Co-working partners. Genius collaborators.
And the more I showed up, the more they showed up.
Parliaments of owls, wise and insightful. Exaltations of larks, cheerful and self-aware. Convocations of eagles, spiritual and courageous. Bouquets of pheasants, noble and refined. Charms of magpies, creative and expressive.
Ah. Yes. This is the way for me.
In these flocks, I have found divine inspiration, guidance and solace. In these flocks, we gather and preen each others’ beautiful feathers. To the observer, this may seem an act of vanity. In fact, in this act of preening, we are bonding, insulating each other, helping one another to fly more efficiently, keeping each other healthier AND more beautiful. And once our feathers are neatly ordered and in place, we are ready to fly…often in formation to help conserve energy for maximum velocity.
It is my later-in-life belief that we need each other to love, to hold, to cherish, to champion, to challenge, to connect and to conspire.
Lean in.
Dare to ask for help. It makes you neither needy nor dilutes your value of independence.
Dare to see the brilliance in another’s feathers. Allow them to reflect back the brilliance of yours.
Know that your success inspires their success. Your wins make their wins possible.
I intend to send this post to the women in my life who have taken my 2 am call. Have sent “what do you need” texts. Have listened with their full heart. Have held space for my fears and tears. Have helped me in my business with their promotional power. Have seen the beauty in my feathers and have preened them with me.
I will say to them, as I say to you:
Thank you for being in my flock. For having me here. For being here.
Will you do the same?
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
The wonder of specificity
Be careful what you wish for…you may get EXACTLY what you've asked for. No more, no less.
A story:
As long as my husband and I have been together and talking about building a life and family as one, we were always going to have a little girl named Lauren. There was no other name for her. Lauren or bust. She would be funny. She would be compassionate. She would be creative. She would have great hair and an even greater heart. Oh sure, we’d probably have another one. But our nights were spent dreaming and whispering about our Lauren. Magical, sweet girl.
Another story:
It was 2004. I was nursing said magical, sweet girl and reading a parenting magazine. I came across an article about Jennifer Torres, the beautiful entrepreneur behind Salsa Babies. She was quoted as saying she built her business with the intention of making the same amount as she did on her maternity benefits (called EI here in Canada). No more, no less.
At that time, my husband and I had sucked in the belly fat that was our budget and were managing to get by just fine, thank you very much, on his income and my EI benefits. YES, YES, YES, I thought as I sniffed the head of my honeysuckle-scented child. That was EXACTLY what I wanted: not an empire, just a business that I can run from home with my babe-in-arms that will cover what I was currently making on benefits. And maybe enough to cover the “incidental thousand” as my friend Krista says. I declared it that night to my husband.
I am incredibly blessed. I will repeat that. I am incredibly blessed: • I have my one dreamy Lauren. • I hit the desired revenue amount in my business within a year and a half of putting out my shingle.
There is not a single day that the joy of my child and the joy of my business don’t make a cameo in my gratitude journal. No. That feels too glib. There is not a single day that I do not thank the deity I call God for the gift of my daughter, my business and my life. Better.
Powerful stuff, this intention-setting.
And:
• It’s likely that there will be no more sweet, magical children.
• It took me a very very long time thereafter to surpass the EI + $1000 revenue amount in my business.
Powerful stuff, this intention-setting.
See where I’m going here?
I was super specific about the order that I placed. I forgot to leave room for ordering dessert. Besides, isn’t it greedy to ask for more?
Nope.
Yeah, I know “more” is a four-letter word. But so is love, hope, and cash. You’re allowed to ask for more. You always have been and you always will be.
As I shared months ago with my dear friend Rachel Cole:
The more I heap on, the more I share. And the more I send out, the more comes back to me.
Our needs scale. Our desires scale. Please make sure that your intentions scale too.
So, by all means, be specific with your dreams + wishes. Get granular AND leave space for more.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Skepticism vs. Cynicism
Our daughter has a lot of questions lately. Things are shifting, ever-shifting around her and she is trying to get her bearings. Images of caskets. Unattended teddy bears. Flags at half-mast. We have risen to her questions about Newtown in the most age-appropriate way that we know how, as most parents and caregivers have. We make our way in through compassion as we touch on issues that feel too complex for us to grasp. It’s excruciating to witness a little more of her innocence slip away with every tiny bit of information shared. A new layer of bark on the tender sapling that she is.
And of course, it must be said that every chance I get to hold her, I do, overwhelmed with gratitude that I still have this very moment.
It’s our seemingly contradictory role as her parents to meet her needs with love and presence and then stand back to allow her independence and interdependence to flourish. To be her safe place to land as well as her spring board from which to soar.
We are trying to allow our own grief and vulnerability to hold some space and not attach too much to it when the gears shift suddenly to another topic, like Santa.
Tonight will likely mark her last visit to see him with the true belief of his existence in her heart. Her questions have become far more sophisticated, that yawning space between middle childhood and adolescence starting to close. Though, for one last year, her healthy skepticism has yielded to her hopeful belief in magic.
In school, the debate about Santa rages on: the Cynics who admonish those who still believe for being naïve vs the Skeptics who want to understand the truth (even as they have fear, doubts and apprehensions).
Fertile ground for debates of the future.
As the tragedy in Newtown is bound to become further politicized in the dark days ahead, it’s my hope that we can move from cynicism toward skepticism and from there, towards contribution. As ever, the way in is through compassion.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Things I love in 400 words (2012 edition)
Long, long ago, a friend returned from a trip to Europe with 100s of developed pictures. And I looked at each and every one. Correction: I SAVOURED each and every one. This to me felt significant because I barely look at my own pictures of trips to Europe with that level of reverence. But these were different, these were truly beautiful. I mean, sure, I got nice shots of the Seine, flower carts, rolling hills of vineyards, ancient fountains and the requisite snap of my husband with the Eiffel tower (and other landmarks) sticking out of his head.
The difference, I realized, was that Elly saw beauty in everything. Everything. And though she would argue that she's not a skilled photographer, she was able to CAPTURE that beauty in everything. Everything.
What a gorgeous way to move through the world.
I don’t believe that my gift is in seeing (and capturing) the beauty all around me. But I do see the grace. It’s everywhere, ready to be witnessed and savoured.
I’ve been invited to speak at a Gratitude Tea this Sunday in Toronto. It’s a fundraiser and the intention is to bring someone who has shaped your life to celebrate your gratitude for them. Celebrating gratitude, ummmm, yes please. (And there's still time to get your ticket).
And so, with gratitude on my heart and in my writing, I’ve decided to reprise the post I did a year ago inspired by Elan Morgan (a woman I’m becoming increasingly grateful for).
Grace is a circular blessing. The more grace enters your life, the more grateful you are. The more grateful you are, the more easily grace seems to enter.
- David Brazier
Among other things, I love:
Full-hearted people who show up…even if you barely know them, baked potatoes with greek yogurt + chives, the stiff and uncracked spine of a new book, the soft and dog-eared pages of an old book, making lists, that moment of removing high heels, forgiveness, everything about the Sound of Music, impromptu dinner parties, the stage, generous people who make me want to be more generous, pizza night (though VPN pizza is a close second), witnessing acts of courtesy among strangers, TED red toenails, “it’s handled” emails from my VA, nanaimo bars near Nanaimo, the infectious quality of enthusiasm, wood-burning fires, retiring long-held beliefs that no longer serve, crossing guards who care, garden yoga, heart-to-hearts, reading just the right words at just the right moment, getting my makeup done for me, the ahhhhh of white space, staplers that mean business, the stillness of a stilling question, Erasure’s “A Little Respect” (like, every couple of years), clearing out my inbox, the song of Riedel glasses, new levels of appreciation, bagpipes in parades, the magic that lingers in a group long after a Board of Your Life session has ended, most cheeses beginning with “St.”, the perfectly picked gift destined to thrill someone, the memory of that Christmas Eve in Innsbruck, co-working with Jamie, pressing checkout on Kiva donations, making homemade ravioli (it’s never about the end product), Dropbox, my daughter’s current love of fluorescent pink, eye contact, humility, crisp linens, letters from Santa, firm black plums, the smell of grinding coffee, shifted (and shifting) perspectives, farmers’ markets, finding a full book of stamps, Staedler Triplus Fineliners, the “pop” of a champagne cork, the perplexing power of intention, dividing and sharing hostas, Dad’s borscht, genius ideas straight from the muse that cannot and will not wait to be captured until morning, fresh-picked cherries still warm from the sun, acts of courage, Scandinavian spa silliness with my husband (we are lousy at staying hushed), camping with our wonderful and wonderfully prepared friends (we are lousy at being prepared for camping), April in Paris (or September in Paris, or June in Paris, or...), kitchen dance parties, the way my Instagram feed feels like receiving postcards of peoples’ lives, inari sushi, knowing where the hand-crank flashlight is at all times, beach glass, freedom, sleepovers with my sister, getting to do my heart’s work, coming full circle, the sheer brilliance of The Desire Map and Gratitude Teas.
Yes. More please.
And you, Dear One? What do you love?
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.