Articles
Self-Development and the Critical Mass of Spanx
Last weekend, I took a bite out of the Big Apple. And, as it turns out, everything else that was edible in Manhattan. A family-styled dinner at Carmine’s (code for a delicious pasta overload). M+M World. Tuna tartare tacos. And so on. It was a joyous feast that I do not regret. On Saturday, I was co-hosting The Golden Ticket :: Your Time in the Spotlight with my dear friend and colleague Michelle Ward (much more to come on that day in another post). Lo and behold, the dress that I had packed for the glitter + gold day was juuuuuust a little snugger than it had been days before. So, I reached for the ol’ Spanx. As expected, it brought things in and up, and smoothed things out (almost) perfectly. A second look in the mirror had me contemplating this thought…would a second pair bring things in and up that much more?
And then this:
How many pairs of Spanx would a person have to wear before the sheer bulge of the extra undergarments defeated the purpose?
Or, put another way: What’s the critical mass of Spanx?
Applying my lipstick and laughing at the insanity of this question, I thought back to a moment two years earlier. My then six-year-old daughter had done or said something heart-meltingly beautiful and I was tearfully holding onto her with such force that it was like I was willing time to stand still with my arms.
My husband surveyed us on the couch, Mama and daughter in a heap of love, and with a gleam of mischief in his eyes, said: “Y’know, Babe. There is such thing as being too present.”
I wonder. Kinda like too much of a good thing, non? Or like too many magical undergarments?
In that moment on the couch, I went from enjoying a snug with my girl to trying so hard to clamp down on it that the sweetness became salty with tears.
The moment itself became bloated and completely out of proportion.
And so, I’ve been asking:
At what point does self-discovery become self-aggrandizing goop?
At what point does our ability to see other perspectives just become another way to dilute meaning?
At what point does positive self-reflection turn into convenient procrastination?
At what point does simplifying actually become unwieldy with boundaries and barriers?
And, ultimately:
At what point is the critical mass for self-development reached (and tipped)?
Kate says: "Anything--even spiritual work and self-help--can be twisted to suit the purposes of Ego."
Right-o.
Lianne’s rule of thumb sings to me: “As long as your inner work is making you more human, more connected and more of who you are, carry on. If it is taking you to a place where you are finding it hard to live in the world and irritated by others' ignorance and lack of enlightenment then it has become a voyage of escape, not a voyage of discovery.”
Proportion and intention.
I keep coming back to having “it” be about understanding the end goal.
The Dalai Lama has said: “It is important to consider others at least as important as ourselves.” This is hard to do when our eyes are affixed to our navels.
Look up and keep your eye on where you’d like to go…and exercise proportion control.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
TGtv Episode 4 – How NOT to launch
Live (ish) from New York, it’s TGtv…
I’m here for Golden Ticket with Michelle Ward. Crazy, crazy excited to be meet all the Goddesses rock their message out on video in an off-Broadway black box theatre. And that will be one delicious celebratory glass of champagne at the end of the day.
And my family came with me. This, my friends, has been part of the dream. The work I love WITH my family? Truly sublime. Bursting with gratitude. The Kid has seen herself on a screen in Times Square, we have had the experience of “Annie” sippy cups of (questionable) wine at the Palace theatre. Carriage ride in Central Park, Statten Island ferry, MoMa, FAO Schwartz, the whispering corner at Grand Central are on the agenda.
As such, this will be quick ‘n useful.
Last week, I decided to launch the Dress Rehearsal version of Step into Your Starring Role program.
I live and breathe the content. It’s what I do with my clients all the time: helping them go from feeling like an understudy in their lives to the starring role. It’s also deeply rooted in the TEDx Women talk I did in December. So, the content lives and breathes and is very very very good.
But I haven’t done it in a group before and have been deeeeeeply wanting to. And so I decided to. Last Thursday. I did NOT do my due diligence, got a little sloppy, didn’t pay attention to details and yet, YET….
Please note - some people have reported that the video is hard to hear even with their speakers turned all the way up. Try using headphones - that seems to do the trick!
So.
I do NOT recommend launching on Saturdays.
I DO recommend paying attention to details.
I DO recommend doing due diligence and consulting with people in the know.* (Tara Gentile’s Insight Intensive comes to mind…I cannot recommend Tara highly enough). And if you’re launching something, be sure to let Stacy Stone know.
And I ALSO recommend launching anyway.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Tantrummy Toddlers + Inner Critics
Quick. Name three things toddlers hate:
.
.
.
Got them?
I’ll go first:
Change.
Being ignored.
Feeling unsafe.
How’d I do? Pretty close?
I’d like to submit for your consideration that toddlers have a boatload in common with our inner critics.
Unconvinced? Read on.
They both despise change.
To wit: ever tried to get a toddler to leave the playground/library/house? Ever tried to launch something new? Decided to take a bold leap? Oh, the howling. The HOWLING.
And if you ignore the screaming…
What happens next? They (both) go ballistic. Flinging sippy cups and beratement your way.
But if you lean in and listen…
…REALLY listen, you’ll hear they both want just want to know that they’re safe. Loved. Heard. Held. That you’ve got this.
I know, I know. It's hard.
They know how to play you (‘cause they have the inside scoop and know your trigger points) and they do. And we KNOW there’s no negotiating with them. But for all the “kick ‘em to the curb” language in the land of self-development about dealing with the inner critic, it really doesn’t work. Nor does screaming at it, cutting it off, walking away or shaming it. (And we know you wouldn't dare try any of that crap with a toddler).
Your inner critic is a part of you. A noisy, messy part of you. But an integral part.
Try this
Just like you might with a tantrummy toddler*, imagine getting down to eye level with your inner critic, taking a deeeeeeep breath (or three) and calmly, patiently and with curiosity ask what they REALLY want. What they’re here to tell you. And then listen. Listen deeply. Listen for the fear.
Most often, I think you’ll hear:
I’m afraid we’ll look foolish.
I’m afraid that we’ll fail.
I’m afraid we’ll lose it all.
Oh.
Do you see why they’ve been so vocal? This is big. For them, this is even bigger than big. It’s everything.
Now hand them a metaphorical mum-mum while you absorb what they’ve just shared.
What are they trying to show you? What do they want you to protect on their behalf? Which of your values are they fiercely wanting you to honour?
Maybe their “we’ll look foolish” is pointing to your value of accomplishment.
Maybe their “we’ll fail” is pointing to your value of excellence.
Maybe their “we’ll lose it all” is pointing to your value of freedom.
Take a moment to notice how much calmer they are already. (You both are). In their outburst, there was 2% of truth that they needed you to hear. (The other 98% of sheer red-faced rage has been dissolved). Can you hear that truth? That those values are sacrosanct to you and that you must find a way to honour them as you move forward? And that you will?
And now, will you thank them for their deep care and assure them that you’ve got this? Kiss them on their sweet forehead as you tuck them into her snugli and get going. Proceed as planned, holding those values sacred. The waters are calm…and we’re ready for your new. So are you.
Yeah. You’ve got this.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
TGtv Episode 3 – What kind of person do you want to be?
We all trip up. We all lose our way. We all get jumbled in the "should I" vs "shouldn’t I" cage match. Answering “what kind of person do you want to be?” is a never-miss shot of clarity. Character-revealing. Your next steps may not always be easy, but they are clear.
Watch on.
And hey, TGtv friends? It’s good to be back.
So...will you consider:
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Beautiful Feathers
As a young girl, my appetite for princess stories was voracious. The singing, the woodland creatures, the ball gowns, the conquering of evil, the comeuppance, and, of course, the happily ever after. But before any happily-ever-after could be requited, the narrative arc needed to be crested, and the villain’s main motive was always the same: jealousy. The evil stepmother. The ugly stepsisters. Ursula. Maleficent. The Queen. Each woman more jealous than the last. Covetous of our heroine’s unparalleled beauty, kindness, capacity to love and be loved, resilience, and charm, they were cruel and vicious towards her.
When I was teased in grade school, my beloved Mama would soothe my brow with assurances that those other girls were “just jealous.” In my mother’s eye, I was that princess of unparalleled beauty, kindness, capacity to love and be loved, resilience and charm. “Stay away from them” was the directive. And a subtle distrust of other girls was born.
It ebbed and flowed over the years, to be sure. True and enduring 2 am call friendships would become forged that weren’t fraught with jealousy and tension. But a deep-rooted belief existed that somewhere lurked a woman (women?), jealous of me and my gifts who wanted nothing more than to peck my eyes out with her talons.
“Staying away” came to mean:
Keep your head down. Don’t shine too brightly (you may become a target). Don’t ask for help (scavengers will feast on your weakness).
Over time, this got pretty stale. As I started to become awake to my purpose on this sweet orb called earth, I knew there was another way. In fact, MANY other ways, and none that required me to keep to my small, safe and quiet path.
If I was to fully step into my purpose (and really...you don’t say “no” to your purpose), there was no way I’d be able to hold it alone.
I would need to trust in others. I would need to ask for help. I would need to shine brighter.
So I did.
And who showed up? Not a single vicious predator, but rather flocks and flocks of beautiful soul sisters. Mentors. Colleagues. More 2 am friends. Co-working partners. Genius collaborators.
And the more I showed up, the more they showed up.
Parliaments of owls, wise and insightful. Exaltations of larks, cheerful and self-aware. Convocations of eagles, spiritual and courageous. Bouquets of pheasants, noble and refined. Charms of magpies, creative and expressive.
Ah. Yes. This is the way for me.
In these flocks, I have found divine inspiration, guidance and solace. In these flocks, we gather and preen each others’ beautiful feathers. To the observer, this may seem an act of vanity. In fact, in this act of preening, we are bonding, insulating each other, helping one another to fly more efficiently, keeping each other healthier AND more beautiful. And once our feathers are neatly ordered and in place, we are ready to fly…often in formation to help conserve energy for maximum velocity.
It is my later-in-life belief that we need each other to love, to hold, to cherish, to champion, to challenge, to connect and to conspire.
Lean in.
Dare to ask for help. It makes you neither needy nor dilutes your value of independence.
Dare to see the brilliance in another’s feathers. Allow them to reflect back the brilliance of yours.
Know that your success inspires their success. Your wins make their wins possible.
I intend to send this post to the women in my life who have taken my 2 am call. Have sent “what do you need” texts. Have listened with their full heart. Have held space for my fears and tears. Have helped me in my business with their promotional power. Have seen the beauty in my feathers and have preened them with me.
I will say to them, as I say to you:
Thank you for being in my flock. For having me here. For being here.
Will you do the same?
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
The wonder of specificity
Be careful what you wish for…you may get EXACTLY what you've asked for. No more, no less.
A story:
As long as my husband and I have been together and talking about building a life and family as one, we were always going to have a little girl named Lauren. There was no other name for her. Lauren or bust. She would be funny. She would be compassionate. She would be creative. She would have great hair and an even greater heart. Oh sure, we’d probably have another one. But our nights were spent dreaming and whispering about our Lauren. Magical, sweet girl.
Another story:
It was 2004. I was nursing said magical, sweet girl and reading a parenting magazine. I came across an article about Jennifer Torres, the beautiful entrepreneur behind Salsa Babies. She was quoted as saying she built her business with the intention of making the same amount as she did on her maternity benefits (called EI here in Canada). No more, no less.
At that time, my husband and I had sucked in the belly fat that was our budget and were managing to get by just fine, thank you very much, on his income and my EI benefits. YES, YES, YES, I thought as I sniffed the head of my honeysuckle-scented child. That was EXACTLY what I wanted: not an empire, just a business that I can run from home with my babe-in-arms that will cover what I was currently making on benefits. And maybe enough to cover the “incidental thousand” as my friend Krista says. I declared it that night to my husband.
I am incredibly blessed. I will repeat that. I am incredibly blessed: • I have my one dreamy Lauren. • I hit the desired revenue amount in my business within a year and a half of putting out my shingle.
There is not a single day that the joy of my child and the joy of my business don’t make a cameo in my gratitude journal. No. That feels too glib. There is not a single day that I do not thank the deity I call God for the gift of my daughter, my business and my life. Better.
Powerful stuff, this intention-setting.
And:
• It’s likely that there will be no more sweet, magical children.
• It took me a very very long time thereafter to surpass the EI + $1000 revenue amount in my business.
Powerful stuff, this intention-setting.
See where I’m going here?
I was super specific about the order that I placed. I forgot to leave room for ordering dessert. Besides, isn’t it greedy to ask for more?
Nope.
Yeah, I know “more” is a four-letter word. But so is love, hope, and cash. You’re allowed to ask for more. You always have been and you always will be.
As I shared months ago with my dear friend Rachel Cole:
The more I heap on, the more I share. And the more I send out, the more comes back to me.
Our needs scale. Our desires scale. Please make sure that your intentions scale too.
So, by all means, be specific with your dreams + wishes. Get granular AND leave space for more.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.