Articles
A new year...every day. From here.
Everywhere you look, here, there, everyone’s talking about the New Year. Word of the year. Scent of the year. Intention of the year. Goals and resolutions.
It’s easy to see why it’s such a fecund topic. It’s (mostly) universally accepted as the time to set our sights on getting “it” right.
Intellectually, we know that there are actually 365 days in a year to get it right, but until we replace “Happy New Year” shouts to the neighbours with “Happy new day to make it all happen in the next 364 days” greetings, we’ve got what we’ve got.
And as though we all hold each other in a set of collective agreements::
We agree to put a period on the sentence of the outgoing year (in theory) and a reverential capital letter on the sentence that begins the new year.
We agree to release the past (in theory) and to heed the call to chart a new course towards our desires.
We agree (in theory) to recalibrate.
What I see most often though, is how our new goals are set in the past.
We call forth new, but draw from another time.
I want to be able run a half marathon like I used to. I want to feel what I used to feel for my partner. I want my work to get the same attention it used to get.
While there is huge value in recognizing the emotions attached to those desires - accomplishment, passion, recognition - the goals themselves have us headed the wrong way.
“Used to” isn’t aspirational. It’s dissonance and “used up”. It’s an old Kleenex. It’s the jeans in the back of the closet for when you hit that ideal weight…only to discover that things have shifted and they no longer fit—no matter what the scale says.
You can’t go back. And that’s good.
You evolve. It’s what you’re doing this very second.
Make sure your goals and desires reflect THIS new way of being, feeling, seeing and loving. That’s where your goals will meet you.
Create from here, now.
With deep roots in the experiences of our past, feet planted firmly on the ground in the present and arms outstretched towards to sky, expanding fully into what’s to come, create.
From here.
Now.
Happy new day to make it all happen in the next 364 days.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Blessings for 2014
I've felt this forecast in my bones for some time now.
And may it also be filled with::
kindness love play forgiveness grace joy delight purpose peace meaning hope light expansion freedom and the unwavering knowledge that you can make this year precisely what you desire. And then some.
Yes. Oh yes.
Bless,
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Buckling carpets and raising the kindness quotient
The most acute physical pain I’ve ever experienced was dropping a plate, edge-side down, on the nail of my big toe last June. It was a screaming, searing, raging HOT pain that wouldn’t allow me to find tears. Only expletives. Eventually it subsided. And with it, the memory. I’d completely forgotten about it until this morning, when I tripped on the rug in the living room and noticed that the toe nail has broken and is peeling off at the site of impact. Which is just above the cuticle. Lovely.
The most acute emotional pain I’ve ever endured was losing my Mama. Period.
My big toe is a pretty inelegant but apt metaphor for the grief I (still) feel about my mother. Up until yesterday, if I'd have thought about it, I would have said it was healing and looking perfectly fine. We go about our days, my toe and I, but then out of the blue, the carpet buckles and the toe reminds me that it’s neither completely nor perfectly fine. No, not really. It still needs tending to. And I can get mad at the toe and tell it that it’s unreasonable that it should act up so long after the plate incident. The big toe don’t care. It’s going to come apart when it’s going to come apart.
For many around me, this year has felt heavy with loss and grief and departures.
Maybe even for you personally. The holidays are like that carpet. Beautiful to look at, but a veritable minefield of emotional tripping hazards. Recipes, songs, ornaments, traditions, cards. Every last one a reminder about where the healing is still a work in progress.
No matter how much time has elapsed.
My wishes:
If you are in pain, please take this time to reach out to those around you. Swaddle yourself with the warmth and care that is available to you, if you only ask for what you need. Yes, your people are indeed busy. AND they will take time for you. (And no, you are not a burden.) Please tread lightly on the carpet.
As for the rest of us, let’s ramp up our kindness quotient. As queues are long and patience is thin, let’s imagine that everyone is in some kind of pain, which accounts for short tempers and irritability. Let’s be outrageous with gratitude and generosity and kindness. Let’s smile wider, tip bigger, let someone in, pay it forward.
You never know who has just tripped or is about to trip on the rug.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
How you feel about the role you want may be keeping you from the role you want.
My life’s work is about helping people step into their starring role. (Perhaps you’ve noticed.) The first challenge (and it’s no small feat) is naming what that role IS. Writer? Entrepreneur? Leader? Expert?
For those who are clear about the role they want to step into, I see two places where they may stop short and not move towards stepping in.
1) They want to step into their starring roles BUT they doubt that they have the ability or the RIGHT to do so.
Which sounds like:
I’m not a “Writer”. Writers are…smart. Accomplished. ACTUAL Artists. Me? I’ve just got decent ideas and can kinda string ‘em together. I’m not an “Expert”. I know what I know, but it’s not very much. “Experts” have 10,000 hours under their belt and legitimacy and credentials and degrees. Me, not so much. Imposter Complex 101 stuff right here.
You want to be known as a Writer? Do you write? Then, Love…you are a Writer. Keep doing it. You have the right to write. Proceed.
You want to be known as an Authority? An Expert? Yes, that’s available to you too. Check out my TEDx talk that guides you through a process. You’re way, WAY closer than you think.
2) They want to step into their starring role, but the very thing they want to claim is supercharged and spring-loaded with their own judgment.
Which sounds like:
I can’t want to be an “Expert”. Experts are…stuffy and stodgy. That’s not me. Sure I’d love to BE an Authority, but I would never call myself an “Authority”. Anyone who calls themselves that is a fake and a phony. It’s a fabricated construct. “Star”? Pfft. That’s fluffy and silly and selfish and pointless and pure ego-driven BS. Only an overinflated gasbag would call themselves a “Thought Leader”.
And, I suspect that there is a part of you that reads those words, feels their familiarity and still wants…THAT. If so, then lean in nice and close.
Here’s what I want you to know.
1) You are allowed to want what you want. In fact, it’s your job. Without apology, shame or embarrassment. 2) You are safe here. I won’t tell anyone that you want to be a Star. An Expert. An Authority. I promise (Until you’re ready for me to, and then I shall sing it from the mountaintops.)
3) Your discomfort with that title is the very thing that is holding you back from allowing yourself to step into it.
But because it’s just you and me, will you whisper the title that you want. Authority? Expert? Star? Muse? Thought Leader?
That wasn’t so bad, was it?
Can you now try to say it a little louder?
Mm hmm.
Now, can you proclaim in a statement, from the depths of your belly?
I WANT TO BE A _______!!!
There. Infinitely better.
But even as you sit there, a little breathless for what you’ve just named, the familiar voices are creeping in.
It’s selfish. That’s stupid. It’s for someone else. Not yet.
Yes. Yours is clearly a complicated relationship with that label.
So let’s have a look at what’s sitting under this tension you’re feeling. The tender yearning to be known as an Expert and the discomfort you feel with what it represents.
Typically, we experience this tension because our relationship with authority has been informed by witnessing the behaviour or impact we’ve felt by someone else in that role.
Let’s try this out, super quick.
Think about someone in your sphere (or beyond) who embodies (pick the label that lands with you): Expert, Authority, Star. How do you feel about them, in general? Notice what you admire about them (that’s a mirror, by the way). AND notice when you disconnect from them. Notice what feelings come up that cause you to disconnect (disappointment, anger, frustration). Notice what you would “do differently” if you were them.
Do you see the correlation between how you feel about that person and how that may be well be holding you back from claiming that title for yourself? From stepping into your starring role?
Right-o.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Track your wins
It’s easy (really, really easy) to track the losses. We do it all the time. We are constantly tallying up the disappointments and every last place where we feel like we fell off of our path.
Couldn’t close the deal.
Fell short. Fell down.
Struck out.
Zigged when we could have, should have zagged.
But given how much you resist “easy” anyway, let’s not do that.
Let’s go for the hard instead.
Let’s track the wins.
Scan the past 10 days and note the many, many graces that wound their way to you.
The unsolicited invitations.
The "just because" cards.
The manna-from-heaven new client.
The "I miss you" texts.
The "Can you lead on this?" vote of confidence from your boss.
The whispers of encouragement from unseen forces.
The delightful review from a fan.
The "Can you read this over because I trust you?" requests.
The yeses.
Every single "I see you" acknowledgment.
And, of course...
It’s not just about the nods of recognition (even though they feel like great swaths of velvet).
Let’s also track the moments you felt your own power.
You felt your own yes-ness.
You came face-to-face with your purpose.
You stood your ground.
You made the call.
You kept on going.
Track your wins. And when you run out of room on the page, flip it over + keep writing.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Tall Poppies, Comparison Compulsion, and Worship Wisely
When I was about 10 years old, my father sent my mother two dozen extra long-stemmed roses. Extra, EXTRA long, as I recall. They were taller than me. She was out running errands so I thought I’d make the gift that much sweeter by putting them in a vase for her, but seeing as none of our vases could accommodate the extra FEET of stem, I cut them back…significantly. There.That looked far more reasonable.
I, of course, didn’t understand the caché of the XXXL length. And how much went into cultivating them in that way. Nor the ancillary cost.
When my mother returned from her errand, she beamed at the sight of those beauties, then called my Dad to thank him for the sweetness. He asked about the length, clearly proud of himself for getting that detail right. When she explained that they fit the vase perfectly, I could hear his roar from where I was standing. She saw the cuttings I’d left in the sink and understood all at once what had happened. She managed to explain it to him before he had time to get a hold of that poor florist.
The way it was oh so patiently explained to me later that evening, every inch trimmed was about $4. And I’d cut off a lot.
Heard of Tall Poppy Syndrome? Many of my clients sure have.
Tall poppy syndrome (TPS) is social phenomenon in which people of genuine merit are resented, attacked, cut down, or criticised because their talents or achievements elevate them above or distinguish them from their peers.
Another way in…when someone is wildly talented, incredibly attractive, naturally brilliant, radically successful, they can feel some shame in it. Or feel as though they have a target on their back. And perhaps they feel called to “dim their light” so that others feel more comfortable…to be more, um, reasonable. To fit in the vase, nice and neat.
I know where you just went. I know you went to the place of “that doesn’t apply to me…I’m not wildly talented, incredibly attractive, naturally brilliant, radically successful”.
We're all cool kids in someone else's eyes
Oh. Really?
Yes. YOU have experienced it. While you may not self-identify as “wildly talented, incredibly attractive, naturally brilliant, radically successful”, there is much about you that is TRULY extraordinary.
{Sit with those words for a moment and notice where that lands on the spectrum from “I suspect that could be true” to the full-blown “TRUTH”.}
Part of the reason acknowledgment is so hard for you to receive may not simply be because you are modest or humble. It could be because the very thing you are being commended for may be the very thing you fear may become a liability. That your fabulous figure makes it hard for people to relate to you (so you carry around a couple of extra pounds to be more reasonable). That your incredible intellect is intimidating for others (so you make sure to dumb it down to be more reasonable). That you point out all the ways that your success has been a fluke so that the whole story seems more reasonable. It’s possible that you have experienced the sin of outshining and the cost was isolation and disconnection and being cut down to size. To fit the vase. So you shelve your otherselves. (My goodness, but I wish you’d stop that.)
And while I’m going out on a limb here, I may as well stretch out the very edge of this branch. You have been cut down for your magnificence AND? Bless you, but you may also have had a hand in cutting others down. When you have had the experience of “not measuring up” to another’s talent, attractiveness, brilliance or success, your thoughts, words, or eyes may have cut off a few inches.
It was inadvertent. Of course, it was inadvertent. And it was unfair.
And guess what happens? That impulse to compare, then project, then disconnect merely validates the very notion that if we shine, others will distance themselves from us. BECAUSE WE HAVE THE PROOF. It’s right there, in our own experience.
You’ve been the idealized tall poppy. I’ve been the idealized tall poppy. You’ve idealized and cut down the tall poppy. I have idealized and cut down the tall poppy.
Let’s try this.
Photo credit: the yes man.
Let’s put away the scissors. Let’s put them right back in that drawer. Let’s agree right here and right now that we won’t do that shit to each other. Whether your brilliance or gorgeousness or success is “reasonable” is none of my business. Shine on. Agreed?
Let’s surround ourselves with the very best. Let’s preen each others’ beautiful feathers. Let’s dare to fly higher and faster and farther together.
"When you meet a woman who is intimidatingly witty, stylish, beautiful, and professionally accomplished, befriend her. Surrounding yourself with the best people doesn’t make you look worse by comparison. It makes you better." - Shine Theory: Why Powerful Women Make the Greatest Friends
And finally, let’s do some deeper work.
Let's start the transformation. For all of our sakes.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.