Articles
On cooking shows, mystery ingredients, transformation and Amy Palko
Cooking shows are one of my guilty pleasures. Specifically the kind that challenge the chefs with mystery ingredients.Ooh…what will they do with that processed cheese and shredded coconut? Those morels and doughnuts?
Because, of course, the real question is, what would I do with the processed cheese and doughnuts.
The rub, of course, is that the judges expect the chefs to transform the ingredient into something symphonic…but not so very much that the essence is compromised.
This is where it gets tricky.
It’s easy to hide processed cheese in a mélange of emmental and kirsch to make a cheese fondue. Quite another to transform it in such a way that the, umm, 'integrity' and essence of the processed cheese not only remains in tact, but is in fact, highlighted. The star of the dish.
Tricky to be sure.
Stepping into your starring role, and frankly, ALL transformative journeys, can feel like a high-stakes version of this sort of cooking show.
I THINK I want to step into my starring role, but what happens when I go deep? Will I discover something that will compromise the essence of who I am?
Ah. Here it is. The essence of the soul cannot be transmuted.
[Tweet "The essence of the soul cannot be transmuted."]
And Step into Your Starring Role is about getting to the essence of who you are. The role you were born to play…THAT role is YOU.
Got that? Your starring role is YOU.
As the luminous luminary Amy Palko discovered. And thank sweet merciful heavens she did.
In her words.
Before Step into Your Starring Role, I was really in a place of confusion which was circling around feelings of invalidation. I was casting around for guidance on what the next step for me on my journey was, and I was coming up with nothing. I couldn't see even a fragment of a "big dream" that felt authentic to me. And so I was investing time and energy, albeit reluctantly, into dreams that I felt were "sanctioned" - dreams that I thought it was ok, even natural, to aim for. But they were a wrong fit. And so I ended up treading water, while in my heart of hearts, what I knew I really wanted was permission. Permission to want what I want.
The new reality is that my dreams are not someone else's dreams. And that my dreams and their dreams can coexist without cancelling one another out. That we can all want what we want, and that's a beautiful thing. I now see that my search for permission was leading me back to me, because I am the only one who can give it.
I can write poetry. I can do goddess readings. I can tell stories. I can commune with the sacred feminine. I can generate real and resonant connections just through sharing my truth, through sharing my heart. And that this can be enough. That I am a juicy creatrix, and that I can either deny that part of myself, or I can let it free… and life feels so much better when I let it free.
And if that were all not enough, I have also aligned with my values in a way I never knew possible. I have learned ways to deal with my critics, both inner and outer. I have found out that making the ask makes everything so much easier… and that ease is not a dirty word.
I have learned that my starring role is to be Amy Palko. And that I don't need external validation to step into that role. I just need to give myself permission to live it. And I do.
SIYSR has made it possible for me to stop pushing and start allowing. This looks like welcoming interns to help me hold the energy of my Goddess Guidance group. This looks like travelling to San Francisco to co-host a workshop on women's desire. (TG note:: if you're in San Francisco...you MUST check out Liberating Lilith...sublime. If it weren't the same weekend as my daughter's birthday, I would be there in a heartbeat.)
This looks like curating a new poetry collection. This looks like feeling out the edges of a larger writing project that is sitting on the cusp of articulation. All while continuing to deliver in my business. In fact, knowing that my business benefits exponentially when I take care of my number one resource – me.
Can you feel the deep sense of ahhhhhh in that? The essence of Amy Palko remains in tact, in integrity. The results? Deliciously symphonic.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
What’s the axle around which your work revolves?
My daughter is learning about simple machines in school right now. You know...inclines, wedges, screws, levers, pulleys, wheels, and axles...that kinda thing. She's been arguing the case that without the axle, pulleys and wheels don't function properly, and as such, they're the most important. (Axles for the win, said very few people, ever.)
So, naturally, I'm thinking about axles. And how it relates to the core of what each of us does. How freeing it is to see and know the axle around which all of our work revolves. And how the work we do REQUIRES that axle for revolution. Circular. And stable. And guess what loathes stability? Yup. The Imposter Complex.
Take Erin Giles. She is a wildly brilliant new mama of two. She has a heart the size of all the Southern States (and a sweet accent to show for it). She is powerful and innovative and loves fiercely. My kind of woman.
Two years ago, she invited me to be a part of her End Sex Trafficking Day campaign. I was honoured and of course, keen.
She’s a woman up to incredible things. AND a former Step into Your Starring Role participant.
In her words.
Before SIYSR I considered myself a business owner, a coach a consultant even...but not a leader or a teacher. Tanya helped me see no matter what title I used or how good I felt about the work I did I wasn't fully stepping into my role because I didn't see myself as a leader. I felt like an imposter and it wasn't until my work with her that I realized just how important it was for me to claim my role as a leader.
So Erin’s axle is that of leader.
And when she started to recognize that she's a leader, when she got it, REALLY GOT IT, it’s made all the difference. And it informs all that she does.
Within months of claiming the role as a leader and teacher, I've been invited to speak at two engagements that last year I wouldn't have dreamed I would be stepping up on stage at.
I'm not saying I'm not intimidated still, I'm nervous as can be but I said YES. I'm stepping up and recognizing that the work I bring needs to be heard.
AND ohmygoodness it needs to be heard. Seriously. She’s inspiring entrepreneurs everywhere to take a good look at their own give-back style that sets them on track to creating social impact (and her free week Mission: Movement Maker starts soon…sign up here).
Her goals for this year
To welcome speaking engagements, offerings, and products that I know I need to say yes to and to be confident in doing so. What I'm really happy about is knowing that it's ok, normal even to be nervous stepping into my role, but doing it 110% in spite of.
As I type these words, Erin is hours of taking the stage at a conference. And she’s going to rock it. As she did on the TEDx stage last year.
So...what’s the axle around which all of your work revolves? Are you claiming it? Owning it? ‘Cause once you do, doors open. Promise.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
You and Meryl Streep have a lot more in common than you think.
You and the greatest living actress may have a LOT more in common than you think. It’s not just that you love doing Julia Child impressions. (Who doesn’t?) Nor that you decided Law School just wasn’t for you. Nor that you love performance (though very few people know that about you.) Nor that you used to be a waitress. And not even because you have a super strong value of mastery, excellence, and impeccability.
Nope.
You both share a co-pilot…and it’s called the Imposter Complex.
Take our Meryl, for instance.
She has been nominated for an Oscar EIGHTEEN TIMES (and won three…so far).
And yet, she’s said this::
“You think, ‘Why would anyone want to see me again in a movie? And I don’t know how to act anyway, so why am I doing this?’”
Oy, right?
Like, that woman can read directions for cooking OATMEAL and have it sound sexy.
It’s like this.
We often talk about the shoulds. Let’s talk about the coulds.
You know you should feel capable. But there doesn’t seem to be a bridge. You know you COULD get from here to there. It’s just that… You know that you COULD create your own opportunities (especially when those around don’t seem to be a very good fit). It’s just that… You know you COULD create that new program. It’s just that… You know you COULD pitch national media. It’s just that… You know you COULD enact social change…create massive impact. In fact, you’re pretty sure that’s why you’re here. It’s just that… You know you COULD write the book. It’s just that…
And you fill in the blanks::
I’m not smart enough. I’m not popular enough. I’m not thin enough. I’m not ready yet. I’ve already tried. It’s too late. I’m not savvy enough. And maybe you look at the successes you’ve had. The ones your well-intending friends keep pointing out to you. But you know better. Those wins were flukes. You just got lucky.
Yuppers. It’s the Imposter Complex. And for high-functioning professionals, it simply couldn’t be more universal. And it’s standing between you and those opportunities, that program, the book, the media...what you are here to do.
It’s what I spoke about at TEDx Women. And it’s the reason I created the 12-week Step into Your Starring Role coaching program. So that you can move through it, past it, OVER it and get to where you are deeply yearning to go. For good. For all of our good.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
TGtv Episode 6 - Video Valentine
Short 'n sweet. And, of course, made with love...the most powerful force in the universe.
Watch on.
What will YOU do for love today?
xoxoxoxoxoo
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
I was either just called ugly. Or uninteresting. Or unpopular. Or all of the above.
Let me start here: I know I’m pretty good-looking. (And if this is your first time visiting my work, WELCOME! And I want to assure you that I don’t typically start my posts with conceit.) But it’s an important place to start.
I’m actually in a pretty ideal place of attractiveness, truth be told. I can generally feel good about myself, and am not SO good-looking that it’s a problem.
I have friends, clients and colleagues who experience their overtly good looks as a serious impediment to being taken seriously, to being empathized with and to being celebrated for their brilliance.
That makes me pretty mad. And we move through it.
I also have friends, clients and colleagues who experience their perceived LACK of overtly good looks as a serious impediment to being taken seriously, to being empathized with and to being celebrated for their brilliance.
That ALSO makes me pretty mad. And we move through it.
Yesterday, I received an email from someone stating I was not a candidate to be on her show because, well, I don't meet the criteria of being "strong visually".
So…like I said in the title of this post, I was either just called ugly. Or uninteresting. Or unpopular. Or all of the above.
The first three drafts of this post had much to say about the hypocrisy of this woman. Her show. Her mandate.
But they didn’t make it past the editing stage. Too many swears. Not enough substance.
And ultimately? I get it. TV requires boundaries. Baselines. Limits. And tough, tough, tough skin.
(I also get that “not strong visually” is not ACTUALLY the same as “ugly”. But I’m working on that “tough skin” piece and have miles to go.)
I’m human.
And being called ugly, or uninteresting, or unpopular, or all of the above hurt.
But it wasn’t just my vanity that had me sobbing to my husband last night like tears were going out of style. I was over THAT by the time I’d rounded up my sisters (and sister) who took on my hurt with the love, rage. and righteous indignation of a thousand wounded Mama Bears (bless them all) freeing me up to feel underneath it.
Here’s what I found that had me doubled over the chopping block in tears:
There are women with ideas far wiser, wider and more profound than mine that are keeping them to themselves because they don’t feel they are beautiful enough, smart enough, accomplished enough to be seen and heard.
I’ll repeat myself from my TEDx talk: that to me, is UNACCEPTABLE.
Like, can’t BREATHE, unacceptable. Crying as I type this, unacceptable. Gasping for breath, unacceptable.
Please, please, please:
SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY. WE NEED YOU.
PLEASE.
And also, I know this. At my very very very best, I try to shine some love ‘n light towards the woman who may well be in her own world of hurt. Maybe she has felt the sting of being passed over for her looks and finds using words like the ones she used on me soothes it. Or maybe she likes efficiency. But really, it kinda feels like there is a belief operating that we can’t both be happy with who we are. That we need to be on opposite sides.
Either way.
I come back to this. Can we once again, please try to find a kinder, gentler way forward? Lighter words? More heart? Friends, can we please put away the scissors?
PLEASE?
Two more requests::
1) I’m not interested in a debate about whether or not I am attractive…frankly, my ego couldn’t take it. And it’s boring. And reductive. (Plus, as above, I am at home with my brand of attractiveness, so honestly, I don't need to know what others think of my looks...and I also hope you hear the love in this request.)
And.
2) If this HAS helped you in any way, will you please let me know? It will make the impending vulnerability hangover that much more bearable. Moreover, will you tell me if this inspired you to be kinder, gentler and more loving to someone in your life? Thank you. Thank you.
With love,
TG
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
What do you want?
Knowing what you want is a seriously propulsive and powerful force. Desire’s like that. When we know what we want, we can set course and in most cases, make it happen, Cap’n. Dreamy.
So when Katie den Ouden invited me to take part in her truly delightful blogtour…an exploration in feeding your soul, freeing your body + loving your life, I knew I needed to write from there.
How living the life you love and loving the life you live requires you to know what you want.
However…
Often what we think we want and what we ACTUALLY want are separated by a vast expanse of shoulds.
I should want. I should do. I should have. I should be.
Ugggggggh. And NO.
You were not created with your complex helix structures of synapses and strands of values and strengths and tastes and aptitudes to fit into someone (ANYONE) else’s protocol for happiness, health, success, love, or freedom.
No no and NO.
And I know that seems harsh…it’s easier to IMAGINE that we know what we want, right? Because NOT knowing what we want can feel, I believe the clinical term is sucky.
In a world that seems to demand you to know what you want with all the good graces of a school yard bully, your uncertainty can feel like a sign of weakness. Like, there’s something wrong with you if you don’t know what it is, with great decisiveness.
No no and NO.
It is not. As long as you are living, breathing and doing, you are in process. You are discerning what works for you, and moreover, what doesn’t work for you.
So, what DO you want?
Let’s take a look.
Discover YOUR brand of joy.
You are wholly, completely, absolutely, and gorgeously unique. No one ever, ever, has walked in your shoes. Only you know what you are made of…and what brings you true joy.
Find your own brand of joy.
Look to what inspires you.
We tend to think of inspiration on the same level as “hobby”. When all the needs of life are met (like EVERYONE’S needs), THEN I can spend some time scanning my life for inspiration.
No no and NO.
Knowing what inspires you breathes life into your being and stokes the flames of desires. Essential.
Who do you admire? What about them inspires you? What are your go-to sources to lift your spirits? What about that inspires you?
This isn’t about comparing and despairing. This is about listening to your pulse.
Give it a try…with room to change your mind.
I love yoga and I love heat. I should love Bikram yoga, right?
Oh HELL no.
The rigidity. The predictability. The 26 poses (twice). Every class scripted to precisely 90 minutes, in any studio around the world. Being told when you may sip your water (which, at 105 degrees, you’d like to do more often). Being told you may not leave the room.
No no and NO.
The first time I went, I hated it. But I knew many people who loved it. Surely there was something wrong with me. I could see what they loved…the very rigidity and predictability that I abhorred. But what a monstrously good challenge.
So I went again. Hated it. Hated it so much I sank another $250 in a 10-class pass to win myself over.
Shockingly, that didn’t work.
That was then. [Tweet "Now quitting faster has become a strategy in self-love."]
Quitting doesn’t make you a flake. Changing your mind doesn’t mean you’re a flake. You’re a complex human being learning to find your way home. We all are.
Dare to dream it.
I can count on one hand the number of vision boards I’ve done in my life. Four. Yup. Four.
In all honesty, three of those times were for the same reason I did Bikram twelve times. I thought I should love it. What’s not to love? Limitless possibilities. Expansive thinking.
In this case, I didn’t hate it. I just didn’t GET it.
Until last night.
My daughter wanted to make a “happy board” with me. So out came the pile of magazines that have been gracing my office shelves.
Letting go and just being with the intention of heeding my heart’s call (should it be calling) revealed a startlingly clear representation of what I HAVE been wanting. In black and white and technicolour clarity. With some surprises (where did that banjo come from?)
What if “what do I want” still shuts you down?
Try this instead:: What do I want TODAY?
Slow and steady…you’re gaining on it.
Want with all you have…and do your best to remain unattached.
Tricky. To be sure.
Knowing what I want, when I do, feels euphoric. It offers context and bearings. And it also requires me to hold it loosely.
If I want impeccability, the mess of happy children will surely be too much. If I want only laughter, then loving deeply and risking sadness is unreasonable. If I want certainty, I’ll miss the honey of uncertainty.
Yes yes and YES.
Living the life I love and loving the life I live requires me to know what I want. And don’t want.
It’s clear that the vision for my perfect life allows for vast swatches of imperfection. (And apparently, a banjo.)
++++
This post is part of Katie den Ouden’s beauteous blogtour devoted to sharing the work and words of some fantastic bloggers on the topics of feeding your soul, freeing your body + loving your life. I know and deeply love Lindsey and Meg’s work already, and have enjoyed expanding my roster of inspiration by sinking into the posts from Natalie, Robin, Erin, Audrey, Jennifer. Follow the tour…you may even decide to join Katie’s 21-Day Freedom Challenge (I will be).
Yesterday’s blogger
Juli: www.puremamas.com Facebook: PURE Mamas Instagram: @julinovotny Twitter: @julinovotny
And tomorrow’s
Sue Ann: www.consciousbitesnutrition.com Facebook: Chocolate for Breakfast Twitter: @ConsciousBites
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.