Articles
Upward spirals...the very best kind.
This is the first ever guest post here by my clever and talented husband Greg Sarney. One of my deepest wishes for him is that he own the writer that he is. I'm his champion, but not his Coach. He'll own it when he's good and ready. We’re on vacation up at our family cottage right now and I’ve invited him to retell the experience that the brilliant Tania Wojciechowski shared with me about the Step into Your Starring Role program, activating his storytelling mastery. I thought it would be valuable:: a) for you to experience his writing b) for HIM to experience his writing c) for you to hear his perspective on this program that he knows intimately well, but from the outside in and d) to honour Tania’s experience fully by handing her story to someone who can see it with a fresh and clean perspective. And to boot, he pulled in the yoga context…something he’s already written about.
And by the way, I am beyond excited to hear about what Tania's stepping into. She's my go-to for creating sanctuary. She may well be yours too.
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It’s wonderful when seemingly disparate parts of your life converge and complement each other. Our family is spending this week at a cottage, away from the bustle of the city and everyday life. Part of our routine is a regular yoga practice with an instructional DVD on the laptop, warm sunshine through the windows and a panoramic view of an icy windswept lake.
Part of the DVD commentary includes the notion of creating an upward spiral of positive energy through the combination of physical asanas and deep breathing. In the middle of a sun salutation, Tanya pointed out that this was the point of the Step into Your Starring Role program. She talks of it in terms of revolutions. One spin up the spiral gets you to a new place. Then you activate another revolution up the spiral. Up and up.
About an hour later, she received some feedback from Tania Wojciechowski about the program, which she shared with me. Serendipitous.
Tania's starting point represents a point at the base of her upward spiral—a vague notion of her desires but without the all-important direction, and theoretically, momentum.
In her words.
Before the program, I felt like I was flailing. I had recently quit my job, and I was taking some time to recover from burn out, while also jumping into entrepreneurship. I wanted to be a creativity coach without really knowing how I wanted to help people in real terms… I felt like a failure, like I couldn’t do it, like having a business maybe wasn’t for me. I did not feel “enough” – of a business woman, of a decision-maker, of a successful-quitter, of me, of anything.
Within the program, Tania was able to contain and focus her energy—this represents the middle of the upward spiral:
My initial shift brought me home to my role as a creator of sanctuary. I’d been creating sanctuary my whole life –whether I was making something, decorating my home, welcoming guests, or acting as peace-keeper and easeful space-maker in my jobs and my family.
Upon further reflection after the program Tania neared the top of her spiral:
I had been shying away from the role of interior designer, thinking it was too audacious to consider. I’m now ready to step into it. By helping people with the spaces they inhabit, and the patterns of life they create, I’m helping people create sanctuary, and I’m coaching people to have a greater connection to themselves. I am an “interior” designer in all senses, empowering women and giving them the tools to create their own authentic spaces… turning tea time, dinner time, resting time, into moments that heighten our connection to ourselves and our spaces.
Because I was able to come home to myself in this way through SIYSR, I have found the courage, the clarity, and the fire to help others in a way that most reflects the best of me, something I’d lost for a time.
Of course, the top of the spiral is the action Tania will take to live the life she envisions for herself, sharing her gifts and her positive energy with the women she’ll engage in her work. And then she'll her sights on the next revolution up the spiral. She has the tools. Powerful stuff indeed. And like a good yoga practice, this journey of self-realization happens mindfully, purposefully and incrementally:
You can make the shifts you need to make at the time, and then when you are ready, the work brings you to your next level, and then the next.
Upward spirals are the very best kind. Are you ready to do the work, feel the shifts, and create your powerful upward spiral?
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
On cooking shows, mystery ingredients, transformation and Amy Palko
Cooking shows are one of my guilty pleasures. Specifically the kind that challenge the chefs with mystery ingredients.Ooh…what will they do with that processed cheese and shredded coconut? Those morels and doughnuts?
Because, of course, the real question is, what would I do with the processed cheese and doughnuts.
The rub, of course, is that the judges expect the chefs to transform the ingredient into something symphonic…but not so very much that the essence is compromised.
This is where it gets tricky.
It’s easy to hide processed cheese in a mélange of emmental and kirsch to make a cheese fondue. Quite another to transform it in such a way that the, umm, 'integrity' and essence of the processed cheese not only remains in tact, but is in fact, highlighted. The star of the dish.
Tricky to be sure.
Stepping into your starring role, and frankly, ALL transformative journeys, can feel like a high-stakes version of this sort of cooking show.
I THINK I want to step into my starring role, but what happens when I go deep? Will I discover something that will compromise the essence of who I am?
Ah. Here it is. The essence of the soul cannot be transmuted.
[Tweet "The essence of the soul cannot be transmuted."]
And Step into Your Starring Role is about getting to the essence of who you are. The role you were born to play…THAT role is YOU.
Got that? Your starring role is YOU.
As the luminous luminary Amy Palko discovered. And thank sweet merciful heavens she did.
In her words.
Before Step into Your Starring Role, I was really in a place of confusion which was circling around feelings of invalidation. I was casting around for guidance on what the next step for me on my journey was, and I was coming up with nothing. I couldn't see even a fragment of a "big dream" that felt authentic to me. And so I was investing time and energy, albeit reluctantly, into dreams that I felt were "sanctioned" - dreams that I thought it was ok, even natural, to aim for. But they were a wrong fit. And so I ended up treading water, while in my heart of hearts, what I knew I really wanted was permission. Permission to want what I want.
The new reality is that my dreams are not someone else's dreams. And that my dreams and their dreams can coexist without cancelling one another out. That we can all want what we want, and that's a beautiful thing. I now see that my search for permission was leading me back to me, because I am the only one who can give it.
I can write poetry. I can do goddess readings. I can tell stories. I can commune with the sacred feminine. I can generate real and resonant connections just through sharing my truth, through sharing my heart. And that this can be enough. That I am a juicy creatrix, and that I can either deny that part of myself, or I can let it free… and life feels so much better when I let it free.
And if that were all not enough, I have also aligned with my values in a way I never knew possible. I have learned ways to deal with my critics, both inner and outer. I have found out that making the ask makes everything so much easier… and that ease is not a dirty word.
I have learned that my starring role is to be Amy Palko. And that I don't need external validation to step into that role. I just need to give myself permission to live it. And I do.
SIYSR has made it possible for me to stop pushing and start allowing. This looks like welcoming interns to help me hold the energy of my Goddess Guidance group. This looks like travelling to San Francisco to co-host a workshop on women's desire. (TG note:: if you're in San Francisco...you MUST check out Liberating Lilith...sublime. If it weren't the same weekend as my daughter's birthday, I would be there in a heartbeat.)
This looks like curating a new poetry collection. This looks like feeling out the edges of a larger writing project that is sitting on the cusp of articulation. All while continuing to deliver in my business. In fact, knowing that my business benefits exponentially when I take care of my number one resource – me.
Can you feel the deep sense of ahhhhhh in that? The essence of Amy Palko remains in tact, in integrity. The results? Deliciously symphonic.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
What’s the axle around which your work revolves?
My daughter is learning about simple machines in school right now. You know...inclines, wedges, screws, levers, pulleys, wheels, and axles...that kinda thing. She's been arguing the case that without the axle, pulleys and wheels don't function properly, and as such, they're the most important. (Axles for the win, said very few people, ever.)
So, naturally, I'm thinking about axles. And how it relates to the core of what each of us does. How freeing it is to see and know the axle around which all of our work revolves. And how the work we do REQUIRES that axle for revolution. Circular. And stable. And guess what loathes stability? Yup. The Imposter Complex.
Take Erin Giles. She is a wildly brilliant new mama of two. She has a heart the size of all the Southern States (and a sweet accent to show for it). She is powerful and innovative and loves fiercely. My kind of woman.
Two years ago, she invited me to be a part of her End Sex Trafficking Day campaign. I was honoured and of course, keen.
She’s a woman up to incredible things. AND a former Step into Your Starring Role participant.
In her words.
Before SIYSR I considered myself a business owner, a coach a consultant even...but not a leader or a teacher. Tanya helped me see no matter what title I used or how good I felt about the work I did I wasn't fully stepping into my role because I didn't see myself as a leader. I felt like an imposter and it wasn't until my work with her that I realized just how important it was for me to claim my role as a leader.
So Erin’s axle is that of leader.
And when she started to recognize that she's a leader, when she got it, REALLY GOT IT, it’s made all the difference. And it informs all that she does.
Within months of claiming the role as a leader and teacher, I've been invited to speak at two engagements that last year I wouldn't have dreamed I would be stepping up on stage at.
I'm not saying I'm not intimidated still, I'm nervous as can be but I said YES. I'm stepping up and recognizing that the work I bring needs to be heard.
AND ohmygoodness it needs to be heard. Seriously. She’s inspiring entrepreneurs everywhere to take a good look at their own give-back style that sets them on track to creating social impact (and her free week Mission: Movement Maker starts soon…sign up here).
Her goals for this year
To welcome speaking engagements, offerings, and products that I know I need to say yes to and to be confident in doing so. What I'm really happy about is knowing that it's ok, normal even to be nervous stepping into my role, but doing it 110% in spite of.
As I type these words, Erin is hours of taking the stage at a conference. And she’s going to rock it. As she did on the TEDx stage last year.
So...what’s the axle around which all of your work revolves? Are you claiming it? Owning it? ‘Cause once you do, doors open. Promise.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
You and Meryl Streep have a lot more in common than you think.
You and the greatest living actress may have a LOT more in common than you think. It’s not just that you love doing Julia Child impressions. (Who doesn’t?) Nor that you decided Law School just wasn’t for you. Nor that you love performance (though very few people know that about you.) Nor that you used to be a waitress. And not even because you have a super strong value of mastery, excellence, and impeccability.
Nope.
You both share a co-pilot…and it’s called the Imposter Complex.
Take our Meryl, for instance.
She has been nominated for an Oscar EIGHTEEN TIMES (and won three…so far).
And yet, she’s said this::
“You think, ‘Why would anyone want to see me again in a movie? And I don’t know how to act anyway, so why am I doing this?’”
Oy, right?
Like, that woman can read directions for cooking OATMEAL and have it sound sexy.
It’s like this.
We often talk about the shoulds. Let’s talk about the coulds.
You know you should feel capable. But there doesn’t seem to be a bridge. You know you COULD get from here to there. It’s just that… You know that you COULD create your own opportunities (especially when those around don’t seem to be a very good fit). It’s just that… You know you COULD create that new program. It’s just that… You know you COULD pitch national media. It’s just that… You know you COULD enact social change…create massive impact. In fact, you’re pretty sure that’s why you’re here. It’s just that… You know you COULD write the book. It’s just that…
And you fill in the blanks::
I’m not smart enough. I’m not popular enough. I’m not thin enough. I’m not ready yet. I’ve already tried. It’s too late. I’m not savvy enough. And maybe you look at the successes you’ve had. The ones your well-intending friends keep pointing out to you. But you know better. Those wins were flukes. You just got lucky.
Yuppers. It’s the Imposter Complex. And for high-functioning professionals, it simply couldn’t be more universal. And it’s standing between you and those opportunities, that program, the book, the media...what you are here to do.
It’s what I spoke about at TEDx Women. And it’s the reason I created the 12-week Step into Your Starring Role coaching program. So that you can move through it, past it, OVER it and get to where you are deeply yearning to go. For good. For all of our good.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
TGtv Episode 6 - Video Valentine
Short 'n sweet. And, of course, made with love...the most powerful force in the universe.
Watch on.
What will YOU do for love today?
xoxoxoxoxoo
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
I was either just called ugly. Or uninteresting. Or unpopular. Or all of the above.
Let me start here: I know I’m pretty good-looking. (And if this is your first time visiting my work, WELCOME! And I want to assure you that I don’t typically start my posts with conceit.) But it’s an important place to start.
I’m actually in a pretty ideal place of attractiveness, truth be told. I can generally feel good about myself, and am not SO good-looking that it’s a problem.
I have friends, clients and colleagues who experience their overtly good looks as a serious impediment to being taken seriously, to being empathized with and to being celebrated for their brilliance.
That makes me pretty mad. And we move through it.
I also have friends, clients and colleagues who experience their perceived LACK of overtly good looks as a serious impediment to being taken seriously, to being empathized with and to being celebrated for their brilliance.
That ALSO makes me pretty mad. And we move through it.
Yesterday, I received an email from someone stating I was not a candidate to be on her show because, well, I don't meet the criteria of being "strong visually".
So…like I said in the title of this post, I was either just called ugly. Or uninteresting. Or unpopular. Or all of the above.
The first three drafts of this post had much to say about the hypocrisy of this woman. Her show. Her mandate.
But they didn’t make it past the editing stage. Too many swears. Not enough substance.
And ultimately? I get it. TV requires boundaries. Baselines. Limits. And tough, tough, tough skin.
(I also get that “not strong visually” is not ACTUALLY the same as “ugly”. But I’m working on that “tough skin” piece and have miles to go.)
I’m human.
And being called ugly, or uninteresting, or unpopular, or all of the above hurt.
But it wasn’t just my vanity that had me sobbing to my husband last night like tears were going out of style. I was over THAT by the time I’d rounded up my sisters (and sister) who took on my hurt with the love, rage. and righteous indignation of a thousand wounded Mama Bears (bless them all) freeing me up to feel underneath it.
Here’s what I found that had me doubled over the chopping block in tears:
There are women with ideas far wiser, wider and more profound than mine that are keeping them to themselves because they don’t feel they are beautiful enough, smart enough, accomplished enough to be seen and heard.
I’ll repeat myself from my TEDx talk: that to me, is UNACCEPTABLE.
Like, can’t BREATHE, unacceptable. Crying as I type this, unacceptable. Gasping for breath, unacceptable.
Please, please, please:
SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY. WE NEED YOU.
PLEASE.
And also, I know this. At my very very very best, I try to shine some love ‘n light towards the woman who may well be in her own world of hurt. Maybe she has felt the sting of being passed over for her looks and finds using words like the ones she used on me soothes it. Or maybe she likes efficiency. But really, it kinda feels like there is a belief operating that we can’t both be happy with who we are. That we need to be on opposite sides.
Either way.
I come back to this. Can we once again, please try to find a kinder, gentler way forward? Lighter words? More heart? Friends, can we please put away the scissors?
PLEASE?
Two more requests::
1) I’m not interested in a debate about whether or not I am attractive…frankly, my ego couldn’t take it. And it’s boring. And reductive. (Plus, as above, I am at home with my brand of attractiveness, so honestly, I don't need to know what others think of my looks...and I also hope you hear the love in this request.)
And.
2) If this HAS helped you in any way, will you please let me know? It will make the impending vulnerability hangover that much more bearable. Moreover, will you tell me if this inspired you to be kinder, gentler and more loving to someone in your life? Thank you. Thank you.
With love,
TG
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.