Articles
Getting Right With My Heart
After my dad died, I made some promises to myself.
I’m excellent at keeping the promises I make with others but don’t have the best track record with keeping promises to myself.
So, it's no surprise that “keeping the promises I make with myself” moved to the top of my promise list.
The second promise I made was to get into right relationship with my heart and begin treating my heart with the same reverence and care that I give to others.
Revolutionary.
And, in truth, it’s a curious time to explore it, what with grief being seventeen thousand kinds of messy.
It’s hard to know which way’s up and which way’s down. And it’s hard to know if I can trust my emotions. Hard to know if I can trust my heart.
But that... right there - that’s the lie I’ve been telling myself:
That I can’t trust my heart.
It’s my HEART that should be mistrustful of ME.
I’ve ignored and shelved and bartered and negotiated and bypassed and done everything BUT listen to my heart in more ways than I care to admit over the past couple of years.
So, to get us back on the same page - what this has meant (so far in any case), is that I need to listen to my heart when it summons the courage to ask me for something. And offer it what it desires freely and enthusiastically and reverentially. Nomaddawhat.
Also revolutionary.
It’s Valentine’s Day and my heart asked me to write this to you. So I did.
Take some time and space to love into your own heart today, will you?
Listen to it. And honour it above all else.
You’ve only got this one.
Treat it like the source of all things sacred that it is.
Because it is.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Ready or Not: Expansion, eclipses, and throwing your limitations into the volcano of your desires.
"'Come to the edge,' he said.
They said, 'We are afraid.'
'Come to the edge,' he said.
They came.
He pushed them.
And they flew."
- Apollinaire
My father loved to tell the story of how he learned to swim.
Long ago in Karlsruhe, Germany, my dad was a 6-year old tagging along with his big brother on a date. They had ridden their bikes to the Rhine River and my uncle was big-talking to his sweetheart about his swimming prowess. (Neither my father nor my uncle knew how to swim at this point, though my father really wanted to learn).
My dad called him out on it, to which my embarrassed uncle responded with brute big brother energy. He ripped the tire off of his bike, wound it around my father a couple of times, blew the air back into it with his hand pump, and chucked him into the river.
(Sidebar: I ought to be horrified by this, but I’ve known this story my whole life and can only ever see it through the animated filter of Bugs Bunny.)
He floated, of course. Bobbing alongside my uncle and his nonplussed girlfriend. And pretty soon his arms and legs caught on.
Ready or not, he learned to swim that day.
One event that had the same effect on me was watching a full lunar eclipse. I felt like I was walking along and someone hurled me into frigid waters.
I bobbed along in shocked disorientation for a while, then my arms and legs caught on and I began to swim.
Maybe you feel it too. Have any world-changing epiphanies doused your reality? Do you feel the rug coming out from under you? Are you rethinking EVERYTHING you’re doing in a current venture? Are your rethinking EVERYTHING period?
Yes, yes. You’re in excellent company. And now that the dust has settled (for now), you may be grappling with what's next. Like, what to actually DO about it.
I have seen what is next for me in my business. And it is huge and bright. And try as I might, I cannot unsee it.
(And why might I try to unsee it? Because the brilliance is blinding. Same reason we always try to dim the light.)
But it’s here. Because although I feel like I got chucked into the Rhine unexpectedly, I’ve been yearning for this expansion - dreaming of it, praying for it, conjuring it.
And, ready or not, it’s here. And it’s hungry.
So this past week I’ve been feeding it a steady diet of my limitations. For every “I can’t” and “I don’t know how” that has shown up (and there have been plenty), I’ve been hurling them into the gaping mouth of the volcano of my desires. (The ensuing lava flares and fire fountain I envision are Bugs Bunny calibre.) In with the limitations go old habits, beliefs, and stories.
It’s not always this easy. Except when it is.
And then I breathe into the space that just created.
If you’re on the precipice of your desires, whether you’ve thoughtfully and carefully navigated your way there, or you’ve been thrust into them by cosmic intervention, trust that your legs and arms will carry you. You will learn to swim. But to actualize your expansion, you will need to lighten your load.
Ready or not, there are many more eclipses on the horizon.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
For the moment that has you question your bravery.
You were brave. You remember, don’t you?
No? Okay. Here it is. You were brave:
when you stayed.
when you left.
when you said, "No, but let’s try this."
when you said, "No, never."
when you said, "Yes, thank you. More, please."
when your wave to the cool kids wasn’t returned (and still, you kept your head high).
when you kissed the ground (even though you wanted to shake your fist at the sky).
when you stood up.
when you stood down.
when you kept writing, speaking, teaching, singing, preaching, going.
(even though...)
when you danced with the shadow (but didn’t go to second base).
when you were so worn out, but made it count anyway.
when you wore your heart on your sleeve (it SO brings out your eyes).
when you believed.
when you trusted.
when you knew that you knew.
when you raised your hand.
when you took the high road (and not just for the panoramic views).
when you didn't feel so hot in the bathing suit, but swam in the grace around you just the same.
when you made your dreams your mission.
when you shelved your dreams for someone else’s (though you’ll never do THAT again).
when you tossed your limitations into the volcano of your desires.
when you committed to your life.
when you kept your promise to others,
when you kept your promise to yourself.
when you kept your promise to your soul.
when you trusted how it felt (not how it looked).
when you kept showingupshowingupshowingup (even though the duvet beckoned).
when you forgave (REALLY forgave),
when you decided to stop deferring to others.
when you decided that enough was enough and that you were enough (oh, that was a good one).
when you risked it.
when you risked telling someone they matter.
when you decided it wasn’t too late, but also that it wasn't too soon to just.get.going.
when you chose collaboration over competition,
discernment over decisiveness,
generosity over guarantees,
curiosity over certitude.
when you tapped yourself in.
when you switched gears (even though everyone was watching).
when you chose to love.
when you chose joy.
and, when you chose you.
So, you see? Every.single.day. you keep showing it. You keep showing us.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Give it Time
When we decide we want to do something BIG — build a business, write a book, launch a program, make the move — we deliberate and deliberate and then we deliberate some more. And then one day, we decide. After the due diligence, the dotting of the i’s and the crossing of the t’s (and the re-dotting and re-crossing), after the advice, the hand-wringing, we finally wind up here:
Work finally begins when the fear of doing nothing exceeds the fear of doing it badly. - Alain de Botton
And so we begin.
But then our relationship with time does this crazy back flip. We imagine that all of those hours of chronic fretting and crossing and dotting and asking and worrying and imagining somehow counted as putting in the time for the work because we expect instant results.
The tiger in our tanks is hungry and wants to be fed NOW. Big, meaty morsels of success.
One catch: the work wasn’t in the fretting and obsessing and stressing. The work is in doing the work.
Which — bear with me — just takes time.
Yes. It just takes time.
It takes time to find your voice. It takes time to build your authority. It takes time to hone your mastery. It takes time. It just takes time.
Instead of looking at time as the burly doorman that stands between you and your success, consider this:
Time is a gift you offer your loves, your friends, your family, your community.
Offer it generously to your business, book, program, or move. Lay it reverently on the altar of your desires.
How much time?
That’s a fine question.
Is it 10,000 hours spent on the road to mastery? Maybe. Is it the magical and mythical 5 years you’ve been prescribed to allow your business to "make it (whatever that may mean to you)?" Possibly.
It depends on your willingness to see it through.
Will it be worth it? Another fine question.
My vote is YES.
That the THERE you envision is everything you’ve ever hoped for. And more.
That the flaccid results and crickets that can show up early in the process are simply here to help you hone in, discern, and finesse.
Doing the work is unsexy business. It requires patience, perseverance, and focus.
It requires tenacity.
Give it time to mature, to expand, to grow, to reach, to soar.
The steady results you seek require your steadiness.
Now’s not the time to rock the boat. Now’s the time to give it time.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
On ham sandwiches and grief.
I want to talk about ham sandwiches. And a dear old family friend, we’ll call Auntie P, who called them sangwiches in her adorable Scottish lilt.
She was a child of the Depression. It’s true, she really was, but my grandmother mentioned this, like, A LOT. Perhaps as some way to normalize her best friend’s extreme thriftiness.
Auntie P herself said she was “frugal”. I loved the way she said it - frugal. It was a foreign word to me when I first heard it, and I assumed it was another word for fancy. She also always spoke in “pennies”. “People in those big houses just have a few more pennies to rub together than we do, sweetie.” Somehow when she said that, it made me imagine that she had piles of pennies upon which to sit.
But back to sangwiches.
When I was about seven, Auntie P and her soon-to-be late husband H went on a trip around the world. On a ship. How marvelous. I couldn’t wait to hear tales of Asia and deepest, darkest Peru (from whence my beloved Paddington Bear came.)
But it was Sweden that she wanted to talk about.
“When we got off the boat, they were handing out free ham sangwiches. FREE! And you could line up twice or even thrice without anyone so much as batting an eye.”
I wondered what it was like to be a child of the Depression. It was hard to imagine sweet old Auntie P at any age other than her tightly permed blue rinsed hair, sensible sturdy flat black shoes and nude coloured knee high stockings would allow. And I could imagine plenty.
But at a minimum, I knew the Depression meant that bread was rare and butter was scarce and ham was impossible to find. I pictured her in her cot (it was a cot, when I thought of it) coping with the pain in her empty belly by dreaming of ham sandwiches.
Dreaming of a time when she might have piles of pennies upon which to sit. Traveling around the world by ship. Being met on the shore with free sangwiches. Dream-by-dream. That’s how I would have coped, in any case.
Did she go within? I’ve never been too sure. We certainly never spoke of it. But I know for a fact that she went without. A lot.
So every occasion included ham sangwiches. Easter, Christmas luncheons, afternoon visits, bridge parties, funerals, christenings, and birthdays and any justbecause reason you could think of. Sandwich-by-sandwich, we celebrated and mourned.
I suspect this was the tie that bonded Auntie P and my mother, their love of ham sandwiches. For my mother though, it wasn’t about the sandwich itself. It was about being made a ham sandwich. That was a devotional labour of love.
Now, I don’t wish to speak ill of the dead. I really really don’t. But I didn’t enjoy Auntie P’s ham sandwiches. You see, I was not a child of the Depression, so good quality Black Forest ham was plentiful in my refrigerator. But for Auntie P, ham was ham, and pennies were pennies that needed to be rubbed together, for whatever reason one would rub pennies together. Seemed to me the fewer pennies the ham cost, the lighter the pinkish hue, ‘til Auntie P’s ham was but one shade above white. More opalescent than anything else, slightly slick with gelatin.
But her delight in displaying the sangwiches was legendary. With flourish rivaled only by her best friend Milly, she would summon us to the oilcloth covered table with a “come and get it, dearies”. And my mother delighted that a ham sandwich, any ham sandwich, was served with love.
We would often go to the Copper Kettle for lunch, a sandwich counter marked by a huge marquee of copper sequins that flapped in the wind. I loved going there. Not because the sandwiches were good – they weren’t much better than P’s, bless her, but mostly because of the sign and the ride. My grandmother would drive her fire orange Plymouth (that today would be called a muscle car) like a bat out of hell. Auntie P and I would sit always sit in the back bench seat, no seat belts of course, this was late 70’s after all, and as my grandmother took the corners like every corner was the last one she’d ever get to experience, Auntie P would squeal: “here we go ‘round the get together corner” like it was a midway ride.
If she didn’t say it, I’d worry she wasn’t well. Hearing her say that was as satisfying as the little green light when the power adaptor has made its connection with the MacBook.
But. That’s it, isn’t it?
Connection.
She didn’t teach me to knit, but we did spend pleasant evenings munching ham sandwiches and cross-stitching little kitten patterns purchased from the dollar store. The teeny stitches both confounded and delighted me. Auntie P’s patience was infinite even as her eyes failed and the lights were dim in her sitting room. My eyes were strong, my patience, less so. Three stitches done and I was anxious to see the green eye completed, not just a fraction of the pupil.
It was through Martha Stewart that I learned to knit and purl. The sum of my output to date includes three scarves and one lap blanket and a couple of things I've forgotten about. But the crowning jewel of my knitting prowess was a mohair afghan I knit for my mother when she was very very very sick. It was of the most exquisite fuchsia colour imaginable.
A little more purple than pink, but just enough pink to brighten her cheeks as she snuggled it in her chair, nibbling appreciatively, but with no appetite, on the ham sandwiches I would bring her. Lovingly prepared, crusts cut off, to mimic “fancy sandwiches” of the high teas she wished we went to with much greater frequency. Like, more than twice in her lifetime.
I speak of the afghan in the past tense because we had it cremated with her. It was clear to me she’d want to take it with her wherever she went. You know, when I saw her ashes, I half expected to see fuchsia mohair fluff among the pallid sombre gray. Gray that was a little more white than black, but not enough to be lively. No, anything but lively. Of course not. How could ashes of a dead mother be lively? If anything, it was a detached colour. Can a colour be detached?
The mind’s funny that way. I mean, I know how cremation works – it’s not complicated – everything in the path of the fire gets incinerated. But still…I had hoped to see that fluff.
We served ham sandwiches at her wake, of course. Ham sandwiches, and egg salad sandwiches, and cucumber mint sandwiches, and lemon bars, and nanaimo bars, and scones with clotted cream, and a whole other varietal of delights you’d find at high tea. It was a tough time. I had an 8 month old with a ferocious diaper rash, a father who was...mourning and a sister who…missed her mother. I organized every detail. Including the eulogy. The thank you roses to the nurses’ station. The obituary. In truth, I’m sure I forgot more details than I remembered, but I know for a fact that remembered to cut off the crusts. Remembering those details was how I coped. Task-by-task.
I don’t recall Auntie P’s funeral. I think I probably wasn’t allowed to attend. Too distressing for little girls, you see.
But there can be no doubt that her final get-together corner included ham sangwiches.
Or at least, I pray that this is so.
Click below to discover your ICONIC Identity:
Unshakeable Confidence
Unshakeable confidence is the kind of confidence that you can count on and that won’t quit you.
But.
It’s not about never having your confidence waver. (I mean, I wish, but…)
What we know about in these fiercely trying times, is that we need to hang onto something...and often that something is in our own capacity.
Now, to be clear, you may think I’m suggesting you don’t have confidence. Nope.
But I’m talking about the kind that you can count when it’s time to do the important stuff. Like...have the hard conversations. Make the big asks. Say NO. Level up.
I’ve made quite the study of this, as I am endlessly fascinated by what it takes for people to do remarkable things in times of adversity. How people step up, rise up, stand up when it seems like life is trying to keep them down.
I witness it in my beloved clients, leaders I admire and folx weathering the storms of uncertainty and those who have said: Nuh-uh. Nope. Not today.
There seems to be this through-line running through all of their experiences.
Unshakeable Confidence
So I’ve been paying pretty close attention and I do believe I’ve figured it out.
Actually...I KNOW I’ve figured it out.
Unshakeable confidence isn’t something you HAVE. It’s something you cultivate, practice, devote yourself to.
And when you practice it? You become FAR more resilient to the Imposter Complex when it shows up (and it will.)
You can see the Imposter Complex’s lies for what they are, and have a faster recovery when it tries to take you out.
You expand your capacity to bring in more, much more, of what you desire.
Whether it’s swinging out on your dreams, hiring the team, raising prices, speaking your message to bigger audiences, or setting bigger goals.
Unshakeable Confidence is the practice of a lifetime.
You know what it’s comprised of?
Lean in.
There are three cornerstones of Unshakeable Confidence.
Three legs of a stool, each with their own value and merit. Each of equal importance.
Integrity means you trust in what you uphold.
Presence means you know who you are and what you’re here for.
Action means you get it done.
Like I said: three legs of a stool. Each of equal merit and value. Each of equal importance.
And when all three are engaged, the stool is stable. It is unshakeable.
When you have Integrity and Presence engaged, you can TRUST in it.
When you have Integrity and Action engaged, you can ACTIVATE from it
When you have Action and Presence engaged, you can COUNT on it
Does that mean you will never wobble again? That you’ll never second-guess your decision?
No. Our fears and insecurities our life’s challenges get more sophisticated alongside of our own evolution.
But when we know what we’re up against, we can make better, more aligned choices when your foundation isn't cobbled together between your mood, worries about how much other people think of you and caffeine.
We can ask ourselves how we are honouring presence, integrity, and action and make different choices.
Integrity
You know the oft-cited saying “if you don’t stand for something you’ll fall for everything?” Absolute truth. If integrity needed a bumper sticker, it would be that.
And what I know about integrity is this:
it’s comprised of relentless obedience to your vision
it’s about honouring your word
it’s about operating from authenticity
For me, Business Strategist, Author, Podcaster, and Community-Builder Tara McMullin is the epitome of integrity. In business and in life. As long as I’ve known her, she has been driven by a desire to build another way of dispersing power… a New Economy. One where outsiders become insiders become leaders and collective wisdom reigns supreme.
It’s what she believes above all else. Over the years, this vision has been refined and expressed in new and innovative ways, from an actual co-working space in Oregon, to its current iteration: What Works Network , the online business brain trust and virtual office space for over 1000 members and counting.
Her word is her code and her code is all about lifting up others. And she shows up with pure unadulterated authenticity. Who she seems to be is who she is.
She is integrity. And her vision is blossoming as a result.
To be clear, she is also steeped in presence and action. Integrity and action actually are her set points, but she’s done work with PRESENCE.
Consider:
What do YOU stand for?
What visions are you obedient to?
Do you honour your word?
Do you show up authentically?
Integrity, my friends. Nothing, and I mean nothing beats it.
Presence
There’s a reason Amy Cuddy wrote an entire book devoted to it...she posits that they opposite of Fear is not Fearlessness, but rather PRESENCE.
And to me, Presence comes down to three things:
it’s about grounding into your POWER
it’s about knowing who you ARE and what makes you YOU
it’s about having reverence for that sacred being that you are
It’s about placing value on what you are, WHO you are...the very things that are not fleeting. And the very things that are not outside of you, like your numbers, fans, followers and dollars in the bank.
Presence is in knowing who you are, where you come from and where you’re going.
Take Lena West, Business Growth Mentor to unapologetic women entrepreneurs. (Even by her HANDLE you know that she knows who she is.)
I had the honour of spending nine months with Lena in my program and let me tell you: day in, day out, Lena was rooted in her seat of POWER, knew who she was, and was a model for us all for being reverent for the gifts she’d been given. And that knowing who she is (and isn’t) gave her the space to be wildly generous and expansive within the context of her massive capacity.
In fact, within the program, we started to adopt her catchphrase, “I’m here for that.”
It was short form for I’m not here for everything, but I know what I know, and I know who I am and I know what I’m here for.
Feel THAT presence? #ImhereforTHAT
Unmistakable and unshakeable. Impeccable, too.
Consider:
What are YOU here for?
Are you rooted in your power?
How well do you know your values?
How do you practice reverence for the glorious being you are?
Action
People think confidence creates action.
Nerp.
Action creates confidence. PARTICULARLY action rooted in integrity built upon presence.
Hesitation creates the mountains...action moves it.
But action isn’t all heft and rigour and sweat all the time.
It’s vulnerable, and tender.
And:
it’s about a willingness to fail
it’s about being resilient
it’s about being tenacious
And when I think of ACTION? I think of former client Maggie Patterson of Scoop Studios. This Mega Maven is unstoppable (tattoos are coming, I’m told).
When the online industry zigged, she rooted into what she does best and kept on going – better, stronger, and more powerfully than ever, releasing some clients and bringing on even more that were truly aligned.
When Maggie realized that she had been hiding behind her work, I saw her pushing herself out onto social media, prompting people to invite her onto their podcasts.
When Maggie was faced with an unexpected shift in her business with her business partner stepping out of the business she quickly turned it into an opportunity to be MORE of what she already is and to amplify her starring role.
Action looks like asking for what you need.
Action looks like saying NO.
Action looks like receiving.
Action looks like DOING.
Action looks like getting it DONE like these two Unshakeable, Unstoppable Small Business Bosses.
Consider:
What do you make happen?
What are you willing to risk?
How well are you cultivating resilience in yourself?
What does tenacity look like for you?
And here’s where things get massively fascinating for me.
You know how I’m always talking about the Imposter Complex and the coping mechanism that we go to to avoid feeling like an Imposter?
Perfectionism, procrastination, diminishment, comparison, people-pleasing, and leaky boundaries?
Welp, turns out they are
Confidence killers, AND
Important keys to the unshakeable confidence puzzle
Got that?
We KNOW when we’re not honouring integrity, because we are stuck in: leaky boundaries or people-pleasing.
We KNOW we aren’t honouring presence, because we get stuck in: diminishment or comparison.
We KNOW we aren’t taking action because we are stuck in: procrastination or perfectionism.
Super handy to see that, right?
Okay.
Now you know.
Which stool leg has your confidence feeling wobbly? What needs attention?
Because when you DO stabilize the stool:
You will have a faster recovery when the Imposter Complex shows up.
You will ask for the raise.
Say yes to the speaking gig.
Go for the book deal.
Build the platform.
Plan for massive growth in your business.
Speak up for what you know to be right.
Surround yourself with the best.
Ask for what you need.
Pursue excellence, but remaining untethered to perfectionism.
You become an EXPERT in catching yourself when you start to waver those coping mechanisms crop up.
You expand your capacity to bring in more, much more, of what you desire.
And more is no longer a word that scares you….MUCH.
Show up for you, for your work, for THEM, for your soul.
That’s what I want for you.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.