When is it Imposter Complex and when is it… something else?

That’s the question I wanted to explore with my podcast, Ready Enough, asking questions like, when is it the Imposter Complex and when is it the impact of racism? Or the impact of alcoholism? Or trauma? Or sexism? Or anxiety? Or transphobia? Or ageism? Or fatphobia?

And those are VITALLY important questions, to be sure. (That’s why I created a whole podcast devoted to discussions with folks with expertise in those realms. And more to come in the months to come, I assure you.)

As a thought experiment TODAY however, I invite you to consider this: when you think it might be something else, it might actually be the Imposter Complex holding you back.

For example…

When you don’t want to bother anybody by asking them to share your latest thing, is that thoughtfulness… or is it people pleasing?

When you decide you’re not quite ready to launch the course / speak to the audience / write the book / etc. is that a commitment to excellence… or is it perfectionism?

When you choose not to share your latest big win because you don’t want to make anyone else feel bad, is that humility… or is it diminishment?

Because, on the one hand, thoughtfulness, excellence, humility — all strong, positive values! They are reason 5476 that you are the amazing human you are. 

But on the other hand, people pleasing, perfectionism, and diminishment CAN BE tools of the Imposter Complex to keep you alone and isolated, doubting your capacity, and out of action.

How do you know which is which?

When they become a problem.

When humility results in you doubting your capacity…

When an overcommitment to excellence keeps you out of action…

When thoughtfulness keeps you alone and isolated… 

That, to me, is a bridge too far.

That’s when those qualities in you transition from being helpful to hindering your activation. 

Beginning to recognize this is the first step, and if you’re following me, if you’re reading my emails, you’ve probably already begun to feel that itchy sensation that something is off. That what you’ve told yourself in the past (about excellence, or thoughtfulness, or humility, or any number of positive traits) might not be the whole story.

That’s good.

Because it means you’re no longer willing to settle. You’re no longer to stay out of integrity. You’re no longer willing to deny your bigness.

The next step is to begin to fill your toolbox with the tools that will help you unbridle yourself from the behaviours that no longer serve you.

That’s what my work is all about. Helping you to shift your identity into the one that is truer than the one you are currently standing in.

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Click here for my free training:

Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.

In my career, I have talked to a lot of people about comparison – how to stop comparing yourself to others, why it matters, and how we go about transforming it.

Compulsive comparison is a stumbling block for so many – especially those of us who struggle with the Imposter Complex (here’s why I say Imposter Complex instead of imposter syndrome).

So let’s talk about how comparison works — and how to stop comparing yourself to others.

Why Comparison Matters

In my extensive (professional AND – ahem – personal) research, I have come to understand that comparison tops pretty much any other of the six behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex that get in the way of our progress (again... professional AND personal).

Google “quotes about comparison” the next time you have a spare hour to kill to see just how ubiquitous it is.

When I’m invited to do interviews about comparison, the invites are typically framed as “the #1 issue my listeners are grappling with.” It affects SO MANY OF US. (And while it affects each of us differently, if we’re being honest, most of us have been brought to our knees by its force on occasion.)

If you allow it, you can stop comparing yourself to others and see where comparison may be...

• stopping you from creating what you want

• preventing you from activating your calling

• making you feel (and play) small for fear of projections

• keeping you from expressing yourself fully

• causing you to disown your power (and hand it over to others).

It matters. Oh, how it matters. Only YOU can say for yourself just how much it matters –  personally and professionally.

How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

It’s useful to think about comparison as a three-dimensional structure. (And this one that my friend and colleague Lauren Bacon created for our program Beyond Compare, is exceptional.)

On the one plane, we compare up (looking up to others in a way that “others” us from them) and we compare down (judging and disdaining others in a way that, you guessed it, “others” us from them).

On the other plane, we compare ourselves to others AND we experience others comparing themselves to us. Up or down. Whether we’ve been put on a pedestal or are judged harshly, the impact of “othering” once again endures.

It looks like this:

The goal is to move us from Disdain to Evaluation and from Hero-Worship to Celebration.

How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Your “Heros” 

Generally, when people want to know how to stop comparing themselves to others, they want to stop the sort of “compare and despair” that happens when we scroll Instagram too long. You know what I mean — when all of the sudden we’re convinced that our business will never be as good as theirs, our dinners will never look as good as theirs, and our thighs… Well. Best not to even go there!

But what if you could stop comparing yourself to those people and instead celebrate them for what they have accomplished and inspired in you? That’s Celebration.

To understand Celebration, think of a beloved teacher, close ally, or dear friend – anyone who inspires us to say, “I am better because of you.” They help us face and overcome challenges by showing us our own strengths.

The energy here is a kind of curious equanimity: We notice difference and similarity and make the most of both. We don’t value a person more or less because they possess a particular trait; we simply appreciate it, and ask how we can celebrate it, while also celebrating ourselves.

To shift from Hero-Worship to Celebration, consider the following questions:

• Who do I admire?

• What do I admire about them?

• When I consider these people, do I notice any common threads? If so, what are they?

• Now, experiment with looking at those strengths and gifts, and telling yourself that you have the full potential to embody them. What would it look like if you allowed those parts of yourself more room?

How to Stop Judging Others

When we’re judging someone else’s work or behaviour, we often end up in disdain. This is comparison, too! But instead of making ourselves feel bad for not living up to an ideal, we are making ourselves feel better by marking how we are “superior.”

But if you want to stop judging, you can work on moving into evaluation. Evaluation emerges when we choose to engage critically with someone’s work or behaviour without making them, as a person, wrong. Respectful debate, thoughtful performance assessments, engaging a beloved friend in a difficult conversation: all of these exist in evaluation territory.

If you catch yourself stuck in Disdain territory, try this reflection to shift you into Evaluation:

• Who do I judge for doing what I’m embarrassed to admit I do too? What’s the behaviour I’m ashamed of?

• Who do I judge for behaving in ways I secretly wish I could “get away with?" What do I fear would happen if I behaved that way, too?

• Where are the qualities that I disdain holding me back?

• What could I do if I gave myself permission to embody those qualities?

Of course, this work has many more layers, but this is a place to start.

The important “fix” to stop comparing yourself

You may have noticed that the “fix,” in each case, is to quit focusing your energy on the other person and direct it squarely towards yourself. While it may feel like it’s the other person evoking a response in you, the reality is that your response is entirely within your control.

You can choose Hero-Worship or Celebration, Disdain or Evaluation.

That’s the freedom that comes from choice. The freedom to create. The freedom to follow your own calling. The freedom to own your authority and succeed on your own terms.

Because we can taste that freedom. And we want it for you.

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Click here for my free training:

Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.

If you find yourself constantly apologizing — saying “sorry” for taking up space, attracting attention, or rocking the boat — you might be saying sorry as a way of dealing with the Imposter Complex (click here to see why I say Imposter Complex instead of Imposter Syndrome).

To avoid feeling like we don’t belong, aren’t worthy of anyone’s time or attention, or are the Imposter, we tend to go to one of six behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex — and if you are trying to stop saying sorry all the time, you probably go to my particular coping mechanism of choice: people-pleasing. 

We’re in excellent company...18.6% of you share People-Pleasing with me as your go-to behaviour when Imposter Complex strikes.

We are a fun bunch, we people-pleasers. We can be pretty charming and likable. We are relational and sociable. We care a LOT about others. We value inclusivity. We make things happen by bridging connection. We can be generous and gracious, though sometimes we are charged with being “generous to a fault.” We learned early on about flies and honey. It’s part of “feminine conditioning” that my friend and colleague Jo Casey speaks to.

I love us. I celebrate us.

And bonus: Our ability to blend in with the crowd, and in fact, be welcome in most, means that we can avoid feeling like an Imposter. It’s cozy in the middle.

But the flies are IN the honey.

And I’ve spent my life trying to pick them out:

People-pleasers may say “sorry” too much to try to please everyone…

We can lose ourselves in trying to do the impossible: pleasing everyone.

Playing to our fans and avoiding our detractors can mean that our Integrity becomes eroded. And Integrity is a cornerstone for Unshakeable Confidence.

And I know I don’t need to tell you this: but you can’t please everyone ANYWAY. In some ways, assuming you can has an air of intrinsic arrogance. If you set out to please everyone, you will fail 100% of the time AND lose yourself in the process. (Those are not the odds you want.)

So don’t. (Yeah, I know: #simplenoteasy.)

Your people will get it.

Your people will get YOU.

And THAT, my friend, is PLEASING.

People-pleasers feel like they didn’t earn their spot…

As people-pleasers, our relatability gets us in the door alright. But the tricky bit comes once we are inside, and we start to fear we didn’t earn it for any reason that MATTERS beyond the charm. We’ll discount any praise we are given and dismiss the opportunity to take the stage or lead the charge. Suddenly our talents and skills and will and tenacity don’t seem to matter. And surely, if we weren’t already, we are NOW the Imposter. In a club we were never supposed to enter.

People-pleasing is about prioritizing making sure everyone likes you so that you fit in, but then not feeling like you earned your opportunities — you just got them because they liked you... or are just being "nice."

People-pleasers are afraid to rock the boat (but that doesn’t change the world)...

Sometimes, it’s a little TOO cozy in the middle, right? Cozy’s great, but not always the answer to the problem. Sometimes discomfort is. Often, in fact. Already an edge for many, discomfort is poison for cozy-loving people-pleasers who have spent their lives trying to say and do the “right thing.” (And that right thing, more often than not, is the thing that WON’T rock the boat. But it won’t change worlds, either.)

As a people-pleaser, you are likely to opt out of the kinds of action that runs the risk of pissing folx off.

Said another way: people-pleasing strips us of permission to experience righteous rage. And I am not here for that. (I know you’re not either.)

People-pleasers don’t ask for what they need…

You don’t ask for what YOU need. And then TRUE connection isn’t happening. It’s a one-way relationship. And that has never worked out so well, now has it?

Your people-pleasing comes from an excellent place.

When everything is said and done, and the Imposter Complex is working double and triple time to keep you out of action, doubting your capacity, and alone and isolated, I want you to know this, my people-pleasing friends:

Your tendency to please others comes from an excellent place:

• Maybe your value of inclusivity wants to be assured that everyone feels heard.

• Maybe your value of connection wants to bridge differences.

• Maybe your value of generosity just really loves offering grace.

• Maybe keeping others pleased around you was a question of SURVIVAL.

So I am not here to tell you to unravel all of the glorious aspects of who you are.

I am, however, here to tell you this:

For you to be the fullness of you, you just may have to disappoint some people — and stop saying “sorry” for doing it. #sorrynotsorry
(It will be well worth it.)

and

You are not responsible for sourcing anyone else's joy. No matter how “easy” it is for you. (That’s on them.)

And finally, instead of assuming “they’re just being nice”...

What if you could stop saying “sorry” for taking up space and just owned it? 
What if you believed them when they told you just how truly remarkable you are?
What if you could just dare to believe them?
What if you could just dare to believe ME?

What then?

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Click here for my free training:

Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.

It’s a funny thing.

When people are faced with the different behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex (P.S. this is why I use “Imposter Complex” instead of “Imposter Syndrome”) — that is to say: people-pleasing, procrastination, perfectionism, leaky boundaries, comparison, and diminishment — it’s DIMINISHMENT, the fact that they’re playing small, that most people come around to eventually.

It’s a one-two punch. They may initially identify as a people-pleaser or a perfectionist, but upon further digging, what tends to often be in the way of getting their great work out in the world is the fact that they keep playing small and diminishing themselves. (If you haven’t ID’d what might be in your way yet, check out the Imposter Complex quiz here.)

Diminishment is about hiding out — playing small, dimming your light — to make others feel comfortable, and in doing so, convincing yourself that you're not actually worthy of shining anyway. 

Diminishment is the way in which we dial our brilliance and our message down. Take up less space. Avoid displaying actual confidence at all costs.

I suppose this should come as no surprise to me given the evocative language I use in and around “Stepping into your Starring Role” and creating “Your Impeccable Impact;” it’s INTENDED to be a calling forth of those hiding ever so slightly in the shadows off-stage.

Which is to say...YOU.

Diminishment is a nice and safe way to avoid feeling like an Imposter. No one can call us fraud, charlatan or cast us aside if they can’t see us, right?

To be certain.

And of course, it doesn’t just look like staying off the metaphorical stage.

When you tell me that you were so ‘lucky that the universe sent you the perfect designer,’ I will remind you that YOU made it happen. YOU took the chance and went on a coffee date and were open and willing and transparent. That YOU have built up a reputable business through tenacity and with excellence that anyone would be thrilled to be a part of. That YOU did your due diligence and knew what the market would bear and made the ask, even as you feared rejection. But yeah. Sure. It was the ‘universe.’

When you tell me that you are having a hard time filling up your Yum and Yay folder because “they’re just being nice” with their praise, I will remind you that nobody has time to just be nice like that and if they sent you a lovely thank you card because you helped them find a new way forward with the problem that they have been grappling with that MAYBE, JUST MAYBE you ought to dare to believe them when they tell you how truly remarkable you really are. In fact, MAYBE, JUST MAYBE you ought to take their words and add them to your testimonials page for the world to see the truth.

So yes,

Diminishment looks like playing small.
Diminishment looks like discounting others’ praise.
Diminishment looks like downplaying our successful decisions and wins.
Diminishment looks like handing over credit where credit isn’t due.
Diminishment looks like hiding behind our clients.
Diminishment looks like minimizing our extraordinary work… because it’s “just what we do… it’s not special.”
Diminishment looks like a crisis of presence.
Diminishment looks like the opposite of sovereignty.

Now, you have good reasons for hiding your glory from us. Of that I am certain.

Maybe you have been burned by loving yourself out loud. (This is particularly acute for folx who are marginalized by the dominant culture.)
Maybe you have seen, far too often, the “good” person corrupted by the limelight.
Maybe you have seen… or have even inadvertently participated in the canonization to demonization of someone.
Maybe you have experienced the pain of the Tall Poppy Syndrome.
Maybe you have experienced the sting of haters and trolls.
Maybe you have committed the Sin of (Out)Shining.
Maybe your strong and glorious value of humility fears getting it wrong and having to eat humble pie.

And, speaking of pies, maybe you’ve been told you’ve already had too much pie. “Be satisfied with what you have, Sugar. It’s greedy to want more.”

There is no quick and easy hack to any of this. Trust me. I know.

But if you want to — really and truly want to — stop playing small and take the stage with your message, your vocation, your calling, I’m certain it will be worth every moment of tension.

It will involve you being brave enough to confront the reasons you stay out of action and the resistance that is keeping you from what you say you want.

It will require you to look at all you have done, without the red pen of editorializing and discounting the efforts you’ve made and the outcomes you’ve created.

It will demand that you not go this alone. It will mean you will gather your people, assemble your cast, bring your fans in close and trust in them. But above all, it will demand that YOU trust in YOU.

It’s time to step up.

More pie, please.

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Click here for my free training:

Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.

I spent a great deal of time, energy, and thought discerning and devising my list of the 12 lies of the Imposter Complex.

Lies like:

• You can’t trust the praise of others.

• You’re not ready.

• You’ll never be able to pull that off again.

• And that self-doubt is proof of your inadequacy.

Lies, all.

These lies are intended to keep you alone and isolated, doubting your capacity, and out of action because that’s where you are the most vulnerable and that’s where the Imposter Complex thrives.

(And there’s a very good reason why I say Imposter Complex instead of Imposter Syndrome).

Inevitably, however, whether I’m giving a talk to 100 people or having a one-on-one conversation with a client, a big BUT comes up…

“But… I’m really not ready yet, because I don’t know how to....”
“But…I’m afraid I’m going to get it wrong and cause harm…”
“But...I’m afraid I haven’t done enough analysis…”
“But...what if there is a better way and I haven’t figured it out yet…”
“But...there are angles I haven’t explored yet…”

Here’s the big, important TRUTH:

There's room for improvement.

Yes. yes. yes. There is room.

Which is good news for you, you high-functioning overachiever, you. On your quest for impeccability and excellence, there are plenty of new heights to reach and plenty of new depths to explore.

The moment of truth comes in the discernment: when is there truly room for improvement, and when is it the Imposter Complex talking.

Simple, not easy.

Learning to tell truth from lies

What I know for sure is that the lies of the Imposter Complex are seductive.

It can be easier, more comfortable even to believe the lies, to fall back on the behaviours that the Imposter Complex has taught you.

But the very fact that you are here, that you’re examining your relationship to the Imposter Complex, tells me that you aren’t satisfied with that status quo any longer.

It tells me that you have already started to question the veracity of those lies that echo around in your head whenever you step out, take chances, and try something new.

You're on a path for more. It's simply the nature of the ego. It wants to want more than it wants to get. 

Wanting more IS your prerogative AND the very reason that you have achieved so very much already.

Once you’ve decided that you want something bigger, something more, that’s when you have to start to ask yourself:

Which parts of my resistance are lies, and which are truths?

• The Lie is “I’m not ready enough….” but the truth is, sometimes there is more you need to do or learn in order to be ready — like learning a new skill or talking to an expert. But...I invite you to consider that you ARE ready enough to get started.

• The Lie is “Successful people don’t experience this…” but the truth is, you are not seeing what their lived experience ACTUALLY is. Perhaps they have simply found the tools I teach and are having a faster recovery.

• The Lie is “You can’t trust the praise of others…” and perhaps you have had the lived experience of being gaslit, shamed, or held down which DOES make it hard to trust people. But they aren’t YOUR people, are they? And YOUR people want you to succeed.

I experienced this myself over the last couple of years when I started to delve more deeply into the intersectionality piece to my Imposter Complex work.

Like I say in the intro to my Ready Enough with Tanya Geisler podcast: To a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

But sometimes the problem is not a nail. Sometimes it's microaggressions. Or racism. Or homophobia. Or fat-phobia. Or alcohol. Or anxiety. Or discrimination. Or systemic obstacles by patriarchal structures designed to keep women and nonbinary folx, people of colour, LGBTQI folx, and other marginalized people from climbing to the top.

As soon as I started to have these realizations, the Imposter Complex could have stopped me cold by telling me, You’re not ready to be an expert on the Imposter Complex if you can’t address aaaaaaaaallll these nuances. Immediately!

Luckily, I’m pretty seasoned at hammering back at the Imposter Complex — for myself, with my clients, my audience, and my readers — and I was able to recognize that Lie for what it was.

Which is WHY I started my podcast, Ready Enough with Tanya Geisler.

(See how meta that title is now, right??)

I realized the Truth, that I had more learning to do, and the lie that I wasn’t ready enough to keep pressing forward.

As I said: simple, not easy.

So, the big Truth here is, yes, there is always room for improvement.

And it takes practice to be able to tease out that truth from the Lies, to discern where improvement is warranted, and where the lies just want to keep you out of action.

I’ve spent my career developing tools to help make that discernment easier and more clear. It’s a process, and one I would be honoured to guide you through. If you’re interested in going deeper, click here to book a Breakthrough Call with me.

And? Be sure to pause and celebrate your success. The hard conversation, the win, the tenacity, the resilience. All of it. Celebration is what truly conditions us for MORE.

''Thank you, more please" is indeed a prayer.

You can be entirely grateful and want more.

(Preferably in that order.)

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Click here for my free training:

Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.