We’ve established that the Imposter Complex is trying to keep you alone and isolated. (By the way, here is why I say Imposter Complex instead of Imposter Syndrome.)

But, ironically, that objective rarely works alone; more often, it interplays with the second objective: The Imposter Complex wants you to doubt your capacity.

Which sounds like:

“I’ve never done xyz, so I can’t do xyz.”
“I just got lucky with that win.”
“They’re just being nice when they tell me I did a fabulous job.”
“I don’t have anything useful to add to the conversation.”
“I’m not ready yet.”

Lies...every last one. (Trust me… even if you could argue the case for any of these extremely well, I’m certain I’m right about this.)

Back in 1978, when Clinical Psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes were studying the Imposter Phenomenon at Oberlin College in Ohio, what they noticed at its most BASELINE was:

“Despite outstanding academic and professional accomplishments, women who experience the impostor phenomenon persist in believing that they are really not bright and have fooled anyone who thinks otherwise. Numerous achievements, which one might expect to provide ample objective evidence of superior intellectual functioning, do not appear to affect the imposter belief.”  The imposter phenomenon in high achieving women: Dynamics and therapeutic intervention.

In other words, folks who experience the Imposter Complex dismiss their success and over-identify with their failures.

In other OTHER words, the Imposter Complex wants you to doubt your capacity.

You’re running a scam on everyone...you’re not super sure how. But you know it’s working — for now. And, tick tock, it’s just a matter of time before this all crumbles beneath you.

Now, this is going to present in one’s life in a number of different ways, depending on which behavioural trait has its hooks in you you identify with the most. (Not sure? Take the quiz here.)

Each Imposter Complex Behavioural Trait Colludes with Doubting your Capacity

If you’re a people-pleaser, it’s pretty much a given that you will discount the praise of others, when they tell you you’ve done a good job, or when they invite you to step up and lead. I mean, they don’t mean what they’re talking about, right? (No...actually, they’re not.)

If you have leaky boundaries, you may shelve what you think you know, what you THINK you are capable of, in favour of others’ perspectives, which erodes your confidence in your knowing even more.

If you tend to compare, you know all you’ve done will never quite stack up to what others have done. Or you may despair that you’ll never be capable of what you see others doing. (30 before 30 and 40 before 40-type lists are notorious for causing these reactions!)

If you’re a perfectionist, you know all you’ve done will never quite stack up to your impossibly high standards of what you OUGHT to be capable of.

If you’re a procrastinator, every second you spend staring at that blinking cursor erodes your belief that you know what you’re even writing in the first place.

If you tend to diminish, welp… doubting your capacity, or at least DIMINISHING your capacity is the name of the game. Don’t shine too bright, or you’ll be cut down.

It is my true and deep desire that you know that all of these behavioural traits, in and of themselves, are not problematic. We are social beings, and so the relational focus on comparison and leaky boundaries makes perfect sense. People-pleasing and diminishment have deep roots in survival. Perfectionism and procrastination are two sides of the same coin: the desire for excellence and the resistance to that expectation.

But when these behavioural traits keep us alone and isolated, doubting our capacity, and out of action? That’s when it’s an issue. Which brings us back to this time and place.

No matter which behavioural trait is keeping your belief about your capacity at bay, the best and only way to wriggle free is by deepening into the TRUTH about said capacity.

Simple, not easy.

There’s another factor that shows up when the Imposter Complex is jonesing to have us doubt our capacity. It will have us FURTHER DISCOUNT the value of our contributions if we feel they came too easily to us. As though there is a direct causal relationship between the effort expended and the merit of the outcome. It lives inside of a Puritanical need for value to equal sweat equity. It likes to negate alllll the work that got us to this place of good work which affords us a quality of ease that comes with practice. Writing. Experience. Learning. Failing. Calibrating. Because that is the investment you’ve made in building your capacity.

But for the Imposter Complex, it doesn’t count.

So we need to make it count.

The Imposter Complex wants you to doubt your capacity. Don’t let it.

Go Inside First

We need/must/are required to look long and hard and close at the TRUTH about our capacity.
This requires us to KNOW ourselves.
Our strengths, our values, how we do what we do.

And uncomfortably, this means we have to look at what we have DONE.

Oh, how we resist this. How we resist looking at the proof of what we have accomplished.
The reason is simple.

The ego wants to want more than it wants to get.

That’s just true.

And still. Your job IS to do an analysis of all you’ve done. In my line of work, we call this Bolstering your Authority Thesis.

When was the last time you listed every.single.thing you ever did brilliantly well? Every.single.thing you delivered, sold, created, influenced, decided, authored, won, crafted?

When was the last time you listed every.single.thing you have survived? Every.single.thing you have healed and fixed and released?

Yes, I’m talking about that grade 7 science fair project and the time you asked for the business and the time you raised your hand and the time you claimed what you knew and the time you overcame THE THING and the time you had the hard conversation and the time you risked the heartbreak and the time you called them in and the time you did NOT tolerate it and the time you broke the record and the time you chose you and the time you did not back down and the time you got back up and the time you said yes when you meant it and the time you dug deep in spite of the fear and the time they recognized you but you realized the recognition of your self was more valuable. All those times. And then some.

When was the last time you did that?

Oh… you haven’t ever?

And why not?

I’ve already named it as the work of the ego above… so there’s that.

And ALSO, we struggle with owning up to our accomplishments because we don’t PAUSE in celebration. We don’t rest in celebration to integrate the hard work. We’re on to the next thing. Wanting to want, not wanting to get.

Celebration offers us the chance to remember that there was once a time when you believed what you have just done was not possible.

So yes. Get every.single.thing you’ve ever done written out. Keep on writing until you have run out of paper then buy another ream. You’ll know when you’re done.

And on an on-going basis, track your wins. All of them.

DAILY.

Because in doing so, you are building a new narrative. One that celebrates your resilience and tenacity and helps you to recognize all the times you've stood in your doubt at this very precipice of your desires. Of expansion. Of a breakthrough.

Remember all the times that you decided to jump and discovered that the party was indeed on the other side of resistance?

Get Outside

And ONCE you’ve done that internal analysis of your capacity — or, in other words, realized that you are a badass — THEN you have a fighting chance of believing people when they tell you that you are truly remarkable. (I highly recommend you believe them. It’s simply the arrogance of the Imposter Complex that has you disbelieving them after YOU’VE already done the analysis.)

But I repeat: you MUST go inside before you can receive what others on the outside are telling you. And when you’re there, gather it alllll up. The reference letters, the sweet tweets, the cards, the emails. Gather it all up and hold the sacredness of accolades as true. Feel the gift of the acknowledgments and notice how the doubt of your capacity starts to melt away.

You did things.

All the things.

And there are oh-so-many more things for you to do.

The Imposter Complex wants you to doubt your capacity. Don’t let it.

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Click here for my free training:

Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.

Of the three primary objectives of the Imposter Complex, the one that seems to cause us the most suffering individually and collectively is this:

The Imposter Complex wants to keep you alone and isolated.

(By the way, here’s why you’ll see me saying Imposter Complex instead of Imposter Syndrome).

The other two objectives: keeping you out of action + doubting your capacity are also exceedingly damaging, to be certain, in that they preclude you from getting your brilliance out into the world. On the stage it deserves. That YOU deserve. But those objectives don’t seem to churn up the suffering in the same acute way that this one does.

The Imposter Complex wants to keep you alone and isolated.

Yes. It does an excellent job of that.

This often results in you feeling like you are the only one who experiences the Imposter Complex. Even as your entire Instagram feed seems to be ripe with pithy quips about how “everyone” experiences it. Quips that feel satisfying in the moment, but can’t quite seem to scratch the deep itch you feel about just how alone and isolating the experience actually feels. Maybe even my own pithy quips.

Let’s be clear: the truth is there is no one who experiences YOUR exact, particular brand of Imposter Complex. It will be as unique to you as your DNA, your conditioning, and, most of all, the intersections that you inhabit and the way you are perceived and TREATED by the dominant culture.

And there may even be times and places in which keeping quiet about your experience of fears HAS KEPT YOU SAFE.

I’m holding that space wiiiiiide open for you. My Ready Enough podcast focuses squarely on some of these intersections with experts who KNOW those places intimately well, in ways my white, able-bodied, cis-gender self cannot speak to.

So, what I want to say here NOW is there is no one size fits all solution.

But. AND.

When we ARE dealing singularly with the Imposter Complex, its success requires it to keep you alone and isolated. To keep you quiet in your suffering.

I’ve been ironing out the edges of my thinking on this for years and I think I’ve landed the plane on how it has gained such fabulous traction.

Desire for Connection AND Independence

As my reader, I know a couple of things about you. Connection is a strong value of yours. Very strong. (I see you.) AND? So is independence. You like to do things YOUR way. Sometimes these two values are in tension. (How’m I doing?)

You crave the connection, the belonging, but feel if you ASK for it, it makes you appear weak. Or you feel you will not get the support you desire. It’s complex, to be certain… so why bother? Suffering in silence won’t hurt anyone.

Except you and your activation.

The Myth of Individualism

“We” bought into a myth of individualism that doesn’t actually exist. My thinking on this is very much informed by the brilliant mind of Nilofer Merchant and her body of work on Onlyness. In an article she wrote that invites us to consider the three questions: “Who are you? Whose are you? Who am I for?” she names it as such: "American society tries to isolate the question to the first one, “who are you”, celebrating a kind of individualism that defies all logic.”

But the truth of it, she goes on to say, is this:

“We do not exist in isolation. We do not conceive of ourselves in isolation. We are social.”

Precisely.

So when we buy into the Imposter Complex’s lies that try to keep us alone and isolated, in particular Lie #12 — asking for help is for suckers — and Lie #5 — you must not tell anyone about this — we are colluding with our confirmation bias that seeks to prove, on the regular, we are alone, we do not belong. No one gets us. No one cares.

The paradox, of course, is this:

NOT asking for help and NOT naming the fears KEEP you in the stasis of the Imposter Complex. And keep you from your top value: CONNECTION.

I call bullshit.

If the Imposter Complex wants to keep you alone and isolated? Don’t let it.

When you experience the Imposter Complex, I want you to NAME it.

To the whole world? Naw. There are indeed people who do not endorse, nor support your activation. And worse.

You’ve seen it.

You’ve felt it.

You’ve been cut back and down.

You’ve committed the sin of (out)shining.

So, nope. Do NOT name it for the whole world.

But name it for YOUR people.

Because as I’ve said, hundreds of times in thousands of words, in front of thousands of people and from every stage, in every conversation and interview:

“YOUR people want you to succeed. Let them help you.”

This is my most fundamental belief.

How do you know who YOUR people are?

I have yet to come across a more searingly clear rubric for discerning who YOUR people are than the poetry of Nayyirah Waheed from her book Salt.:

some people
when they hear
your story.
contract.
others
upon hearing
your story
expand.
and
this is how
you
know. 

Yes. Here’s to the Expanders in your life.

The ones who are not afraid of your power.
The ones who encourage you to know your self.
The ones who encourage you to show yourself reverence. 

THEM.

They are your people. They are your CAST.

Assemble the Cast

Call them in.
Call them forth.
Tell them when you are struggling with the Imposter Complex, or any one of the six confidence killers it presents with.
Allow them to reflect back to you your brilliance, your radiance, your shine.
Dare to believe them when they tell you how truly remarkable you are. 

And then say the two words the Impostor Complex hates above all others. Thank you.

 In one of her MarieTV episodes on the subject of the Imposter Complex, Marie Forleo champions calling in your #fraudsquad.

I call those same people your cast, and I sure am grateful for the cast I’ve assembled for the production that is my life and my work.

Because it’s like Michelle Obama said:

“We all have to find the people who believe in us”

I know who to turn to when I am feeling the spectrum of comparison.

Or when I am having a tryst with diminishment.

Or when I’m stuck in perfectionism.

Or I’m out of integrity with my boundaries.

I may be fortunate... but not lucky.

Assembling my cast has been my JOB. And it’s yours too.

Because it is an illusion that I need to go any of this alone.

In fact, it is nearly impossible.

I’ve tried.

And I’ve failed.

And I’ve learned.

So yes.

The Imposter Complex wants to keep you alone and isolated. Don’t let it.

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Click here for my free training:

Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.

Quick question: If you landed here by googling “how to stop procrastinating” were you… avoiding something else you were supposed to be doing?

Or were you googling because you were caught (or nearly caught) procrastinating on something important recently?

It’s OK if you were; I’m not going to lecture you! Whatever prompted you to look for more information about how to stop procrastinating, I want you to know: you’re not alone.

Especially if you also suffer from the Imposter Complex. (Around here we say Imposter Complex instead of imposter syndrome, and here’s why.)

Because procrastinating is one of the six behaviours of the Imposter Complex — that AWFUL feeling that we dread experiencing… being found out... The other shoe dropping... Being unmasked... We know better than everyone around us that WE ARE THE Imposter. We are CERTAIN of it. And it’s just a matter of time before “THEY” find out.

So… why tip our hands? Isn’t it better if we just lay low? Stay out of the action? Then no one can find out that we really aren’t as capable as they had imagined, right? 

And that’s where procrastination comes in.

(And, possibly, googling “how to stop procrastinating…”) 

Except: when you stay out of action, you deprive us of the gift you are. The gifts that you’ve been given. You deprive of us the YOU that we need.

If you’re a coach, service provider, or entrepreneur, this is especially dreadful for you, because it means you’re avoiding the very things that would help you grow your business, serve more people, and create your Impeccable Impact.

So don’t. Get into action.

Stop procrastinating by understanding your procrastination

Now… I’ll be the first to tell you, your tendency to procrastinate may come from an excellent place.

• Maybe your fabulous values of temperance and analysis simply want to make sure that you’re doing your work at your best.

• Maybe it’s true that you are in the 0.1% of the population who actually DO work best under pressure.

• Maybe the task at hand is just not tapping into your creative genius.

I totally get it.

And here’s what I know:

There are two kinds of procrastination: active and passive. If you’re an active procrastinator, this just may, in fact, be your style. But can we agree that it causes you undue stress and anxiety nonetheless?

And if you’re a passive procrastinator, it may be a function of being paralyzed by the enormity of the work ahead.

In either case, procrastination is a place we hide out in when we are having a hard time coping with the Imposter Complex. And when we hide out there laying low, feeling anxious and out of action, the paradox, of course, is that we start to convince ourselves that we ARE the Imposter.

(Which, psst… isn’t possible. ACTUAL Imposters don’t feel like Imposters.)

The cost of procrastination is huge. It can cause you to produce subpar work, can have you feeling shame and guilt, can create burnout, and above all, erodes your confidence.

And if you’re a coach, service provider, or entrepreneur, this is almost certainly holding you back from serving more people, generating more income, and creating your Impeccable Impact.

All good reasons to stop procrastinating.

But that can be easier said than done, am I right?

How to stop procrastinating…

In my experience, the best way to stop procrastinating is to remind yourself that you are ready enough.

In fact, I believe this — and say it — so often, I even named my podcast Ready Enough…

When procrastination and the Imposter Complex start whispering in your ear, because you have high standards of excellence and mastery (That’s good. And the number one reason why you experience the Imposter Complex.), it might sound like…

The pencil isn’t sharp enough.
Your pitch doesn’t gleam with startling shine.
You’re not smart enough.
Wise enough.
Brave enough.
Charismatic enough.
Gorgeous enough.
Spiritual enough.
Wealthy enough.

Now, what your wealth has to do with how prepared you are to make the ask, set up the appointment with the CEO, or send your manuscript off to the publisher is something well beyond me, but this much I DO know, with every fibre of my being:

Do it. You’re ready enough.

The manuscript is close enough to done.

The pencil is sharp enough to write the words that can change everything.

Your voice is strong enough to say what needs to be said. (Even when it trembles. ESPECIALLY when it trembles.)

As you sit down to make the call or write the book or step up to the mic to deliver the talk that will change EVERYTHING, think about how everything you have ever made, delivered, sold, created, drafted, crafted, survived, healed, and done is coming together. Right here and now.

For this very purpose. For this very moment.

And?

No one was ever fully ready. For anything. The pencil tip can always be sharper.

The space in between the systemic changes you want to see and the brave new world is your decision on whether you are fully ready or not.

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Click here for my free training:

Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.

Overcoming perfectionism can be a tricky nut to crack when perfection is so idolized by our Western culture.

We are constantly bombarded with images of what perfect looks like — even if it is mostly completely unattainable — and we internalize it from a young age.

(And a lot of those images are mired in capitalism, white supremacy, and patriarchy, which puts that mythical vision of perfection even further out of reach for many of us.)

And it’s even harder when the Imposter Complex taps into that deeply flawed drive for perfection and tries to use it as an excuse to keep you alone and isolated, doubting your capacity, and out of action. (You may have heard this referred to Imposter Syndrome; here’s why Imposter Complex is the more correct term to use.)

Perfectionism and the Imposter Complex

When you’re mired in perfectionism, you constantly feel you’re not ready to do the next big thing on your list. You might be invited to do it, have people clamoring for it, but all along you suspect that you’re a fraud.

And so, to prove your “worth,” you dig in with over-preparing, refining, polishing, perfecting. You try to learn EVERYTHING (and I mean EVERYTHING) about the subject matter lest anyone find you out. It’s never enough. You think about canceling (a LOT). You become anxious and exhausted and it’s all too much.

If you’re a coach, service provider, or entrepreneur, this might show up as not wanting to launch your next offer until it’s “just right,” avoiding speaking engagements because you’re “not ready,” or living in a constant cycle of research and learning instead of just doing the thing.

I’m here to help you overcome perfectionism — because in my experience, it only ever gets in the way of us doing what needs to be done.

Perfectionism is just one more way that the Imposter Complex wins.

Perfectionism is inextricably linked to a patriarchal vision that cannot be met and causes real damage.

Perfectionism is also inextricably linked to white supremacy culture. 

Now… don’t get ME wrong: It’s true that your perfectionist tendencies have served and continue to serve you well. They come from an excellent place.

• You value diligence and hard work.

• Refinement is important to you.

• Your values of excellence and mastery are STRONG.

How can any of this be a problem?

Well… you know it, don’t you?

The cost of not overcoming perfectionism

The cost of perfectionism is great. It erodes time, your energy, and, above all, your confidence.

You often feel like “if it’s not perfect, it’s pointless.” But “perfect” is subjective, exhausting, and often a complete and utter myth. And when you cannot attain perfection, you feel like you are the Imposter in the room. Which is a double-bind.

You see… you engage in perfectionism to AVOID feeling the sting of the Imposter Complex. And YET, in engaging in that behaviour, you end up feeling exactly the way you didn’t want to feel.

Because here’s the truth:

Perfectionism is actually the lowest possible standard because it simply doesn’t exist.
Perfectionism is a gold star from some external generalized other.
Thinking about being perfect makes us stay quiet.

And none of this is in service to us or to the greater good.

Overcoming perfectionism

So how do we overcome perfectionism while still recognizing and serving the underlying values of excellence and mastery it often represents?

To me, the distinction is when perfectionism becomes a problem, when it is preventing you from achieving some element of your vision.

And I believe there has to be a middle ground.

For me, the word I use is impeccability. (You can read the origin story of how I landed on that term here.)

For me, impeccability means presence and integrity over perfection.
Impeccability means congruence. A syncing of our insides with our outsides.
Impeccability means an elevation of standards.
Impeccability means expecting more of ourselves.
Impeccability means having more to give because there’s more in the tank.
Impeccability offers grace when there ISN’T more in the tank.

Perfection is punition.

And, ultimately, you are ready enough — exactly as you are. To do and say the things you need to do and say. Because now more than ever, we need you (and me) to say and do the things we need to say and do. There are continents burning and guns in the sky.

Every day, I ask myself how I can be more impeccable in my word, my intention, and my impact. Every day I ask myself what I need to tap into to rise up to a higher standard. And every day the answers look and feel different.

Will I do ANY of it perfectly? No. But can I intend to do it with presence and integrity? Most assuredly.

That’s what I want.

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Click here for my free training:

Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.

Boundaries are a beautiful thing. But if you’re wondering how to set some boundaries, it’s a fair guess yours mayyyyy have become leaky. And when we have leaky boundaries, we tend to do things out of obligation (which can breed resentment), we tend to overshare information about ourselves, and we tend to give greater weight to others’ opinions over our own.

In short, it’s hard to tell where we end and someone else begins.

And if you feel like an imposter — like you’re not good enough, or special enough, or important enough to have strong boundaries — it’s likely our old nemesis the Imposter Complex is to blame.

(In case you’re wondering, here’s why I say Imposter Complex instead of imposter syndrome.)

Those leaky boundaries could be the Imposter Complex’s sneaky way of keeping you out of action or doubting your capacity — because if you’re saying yes to everyone else, you might not be leaving enough time to say yes to yourself.

This is especially dangerous for coaches, service providers, and entrepreneurs because it leads to co-dependent clients, scope creep, and resentment.

How to Set Boundaries: Step 1 Define the boundary

The good news is, by respecting your own boundaries, you also teach others to respect them. AND you embody a kind of integrity that is irresistibly magnetic.

In fact, that kind of integrity is one of the three components that make up what I call Unshakeable Confidence.

So how do we set boundaries — especially when we’re struggling with feeling like an imposter?

First, you have to know what your boundaries actually are before you can communicate them.

You may not ever have stopped to ask yourself what’s acceptable — only felt the sick gut twist when you discovered what was not.

I remember the first time I hired a lawyer to help me craft a contract to use with clients. She began asking me a whole litany of questions — what happens if the client does this? What happens if the client does that? — situations I had never even considered before.

The boundaries you may want to set may not be of the binding legal variety — and that’s completely ok. But play lawyer with yourself for just a moment and ask yourself, “What happens if…?”

Enough what if questions and you will bump up against the edge of the boundary in question.

Step 2: Communicate the Boundary

Once you’ve found your boundary and set it clearly in your own mind, the next step is to communicate it.

Oh, did you just shudder and want to hide? I get it.

But the truth is that it’s actually much kinder to be clear about your boundaries than to make the other party guess.

The wonderful thing about boundaries is that they actually create spaciousness and cohesion.

It might have felt uncomfortable imagining worst-case scenarios with the lawyer drafting my contract, but the bright and shining truth is that defining those boundaries was doing a service both to myself and to my clients.

And communicating those boundaries is the second half of that service.

Good fences make good neighbours. - Robert Frost

If you have to set a boundary with a friend or in another type of relationship, be direct and unapologetic. You might say something like:

• It’s not going to work for me to do [that thing you no longer want to do] any more. Here’s an alternative…

• I don’t have time for a meeting right now, but if you email me your question I can try to get it answered…

• We don’t do that in our family. But we could do this instead…

Two things to note:

1. You don’t have to offer an alternative solution. “No” is a complete sentence.

2. If the other person doesn’t respect your boundary right away (or ever) that doesn’t mean it’s wrong or invalid! If someone isn’t used to you holding a boundary, they may push back. That’s on them, not you. If you hold your boundary, that’s what’s important.

One more thing about leaky boundaries:

The reasons your boundaries are a little leaky ACTUALLY come from an excellent place.

• Your deep care for others and their perspectives is gorgeous.

• Your generosity wants to offer others second chances.

• Your value of kindness may fear that having strong boundaries will keep people OUT, and that holding firm boundaries will make you self-centered.

I totally get it.

And here’s what I know:

We tolerate our boundaries leaking to avoid experiencing the sting of the Imposter Complex. To make sure we fit in. To preserve harmony and foster connection.

But there is a double-bind here.

When our fear of NOT belonging becomes bigger than our own thoughts and wants and desires and TRUTHS and we start to adapt to and adopt others’ instead? Well then — of course we actually ARE upholding opinions that are not our own and we are building some legitimacy to the claim that we are Imposters. That’s how confirmation bias works.

Where you are headed requires the fullest version of you and not some lesser version of someone else. Holding firm in your integrity with yourself and your values is vital to your activation.

And no one will respect your boundaries if you don’t respect them first.

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Click here for my free training:

Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.