Articles
Mean People Suck
She was maybe six years old when she said it. Young enough to not necessarily know what "suck" meant, but old enough to know that it fit the bill. The age at which I ought to have called her out for her language. But her eyes... her eyes were so filled with hurt and confusion and pain that I let the PG-rated near-curse slide and made a silent prayer to take all the pain and hurt and confusion from her so she wouldn't have to feel it. But more importantly, that she wouldn't have to know the truth that she already knew:
Mean people suck.
In truth, I can't recall how what happened next. If I offered any advice or simply a soft place to land. (I hope the latter.)
I was thinking about this last Thursday night when I went to see Amy Cuddy speak here in Toronto. You've likely seen her TED talk on power poses and the body-mind connection.
Her new book speaks to what lives on the other side of the coin of power. If powerlessness is HERE, we would surmise, powerfulness (why is this not a word?) is THERE. Not so. She says it's presence, which is quite appropriately the name of her book.
I respect and admire her work (and HER presence) and reference both in my work on the Imposter Complex, so I was delighted when asked to hear her speak and then join her party for dinner afterward.
My date, a talented and big-hearted columnist who has received more than her share of vitriol, and I often talk about handling snark and trolls and she was curious to hear what Amy had to say on the matter.
Similarly, during speaking gigs where I walk people through my Step into Your Starring Role process (and we "meet the critics"), I usually get asked about how to handle everything on the wide spectrum from critics to asshat bosses to haters. (Happened again on Saturday when I spoke at an event for 70 women in engineering - and a couple of brave dudes.)
So when Amy was asked a question from the audience about how to deal with people in power who try to subjugate you and make you feel powerless, we both leaned in. (Get it? Imposter Complex humour.)
"Don't try to out-alpha the alpha dog," was Amy's response. AND:
"Stand your ground (literally and figuratively). Try to stay open. And above all, if at all possible, try to find a touch of compassion for them."
Simple, smart, sane, and challenging. Of course. How could it not be challenging?
There is, of course, no one-size-fits-all approach. But I have yet to come across another way. It's generally a feel-your-way-into-it variation on:
Feel what you feel.
Know who you are.
Try to imagine why they do what they do. (They generally know not what they say, nor do, nor their impact.)
Integrate what you need (from their criticism — assuming we're not talking about trolls — and release the rest.
Surround yourself with the best and brightest and love your lovers.
Try to find a bout of gratitude for the teachings they have offered in their own inimitable, asshat-esque way. (You know, like, I'll NEVER manage anyone like that.)
A day or so after my then six year old's declaration about mean people, I circled back and asked her how things were working out with that grade school meanie.
"Fine," she said, entirely unruffled. "She is still calling me names, but I'm not going to let it bother me."
"How are you managing to do that, love?" I asked.
Well, you can imagine how my heart swelled when she responded with:
"My power is my happiness and no one can take that away from me."
You heard that, right?
NO ONE.
All love,
For more, I recommend Maria Popova of Brainpickings curated this wellspring of resources on managing haters. Specifically: Benjamin Franklin’s trick for handling haters, Vi Hart on how to tame the trolls, and Daniel Dennett on how to criticize with kindness.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
The Truth of It.
I don’t like to write on my blog while I'm in the thick of processing.
When I’m processing, I’ll write in my journal or I’ll write pieces I only share in my sacred writing group, but here? This is different. We have a different understanding, you and I. Or, at least, I have a different understanding of how I am here to serve you.
Something happens in my realm. I roll it around on the counter - inspecting it, poking it, prodding it, walking away from it, coming back to it, and then sticking it into my oven of understanding where I crank up the flame of transmutation and out comes some fresh-baked perspective for me to offer you in the hopes that it nourishes and supports you in your process.
That’s how I see it.
And so, while I’ve been wanting so much to reach out to you, to speak to you, to share with you, the truth of it is that I’m still in the mess of processing some challenging life stuff. Poking, prodding, rolling it around.
The truth of it is that my father has been sick. And though today is still not the day to say more about that, I know it’s time to offer you some of what I do know to be true.
The truth of it is that the most days end with heart in my throat and a phone charged bedside just in case there’s a call, but the added truth of it is that I leave it on my husband’s side of the bed because that extra three feet of distance gives me space to breathe.
The truth of it is that I’m struggling to stay focused. I continue to bring my full self to my coaching clients, to my daughter, and to my father. But all else gets about 60 scant percent of my attention.
The truth of it is that I have dropped many plates. And am certain I will drop more.
The truth of it is that I don’t quite know where to direct my anger, so I shout a lot in my car when I’m alone.
The truth of it is that I’m doing a lousy job keeping people up to date because I am tired of having finding new ways to say: time will tell.
The truth of it is that I am scared.
The truth of it is that I want to write about release and I want to write about grace and I want to write about peace and life and love and transitions. But the truth of it is that none of this process has passed through that purifying flame of transmutation. Yet.
So the truth of it is that I can only share what I’ve always known.
When someone offers you support, accept it.
When someone drops by with food, cherish it.
When someone brings you a new meditation to explore, do it.
When someone suggests alternate nostril breathing, try it.
When someone sends you a video of them singing a Norwegian lullaby, embrace it.
When someone repeats Julian of Norwich’s words ‘All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well’, believe it.
The truth of it is that it will be hard. Because your heart won’t trust it even if your cells do. Your muscles and your adrenals will raise hell and fight you tooth and nail. And the stories you will concoct about what “well” means will keep you up at night.
So allow me to tell you the truth of it.
Well won’t mean pink light and roses and sparkles. Necessarily.
Well won’t mean like you planned or saw. Well won’t mean there won’t be worry. Well won’t mean that there will be control. Well won’t mean that there won’t be tears and prayers that reach far into the night that never get finished because you’ve fallen asleep (at long last).
Well will mean that the faith that you have cultivated and the relationships that you have nourished and the love that you have listened for and the light that you connect with will sustain you. Well will simply mean okay.
And okay will be well enough. For now.
That is the truth of it.
As I know it, deeply and intrinsically.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Creating magic. Even when it doesn't seem likely.
At the end of November, I hosted my first ever (of oh so many) Step into Your Starring Role one-day retreats. The day was magical.
So, so magical.
And it wasn't made magical simply because of the 25 brilliant lights who showed up from near and far. From across the country, and from across the city. From North Carolina, and from North Toronto.
Who booked off clients, organized sitters, arranged hotels, fixed flat tires in the wee hours of the morning, and MADE IT HAPPEN.
Who showed up for themselves…and then discovered they were showing up for each other.
No. It wasn’t made magical simply because EACH of those 25 gorgeous participants dug deep. Really deep.
I mean, it was. But unbelievably, that wasn’t all.
At the end of November, I hosted my first ever (of oh-so-many) Step into Your Starring Role one-day retreats.
The day was magical. So, so magical.
And it wasn't made magical simply because of the 25 brilliant lights who showed up from near and far. From across the country, and from across the city. From North Carolina and from north Toronto.
Who booked off clients, organized sitters, arranged hotels, fixed flat tires in the wee hours of the morning, and MADE IT HAPPEN.
Who showed up for themselves and then discovered they were showing up for each other.
No. It wasn’t made magical simply because each of those 25 gorgeous participants dug deep. Really deep.
I mean, it was. But, unbelievably, that wasn’t all.
It wasn’t made magical simply because I had the most incredibly thoughtful and prescient Architect of Sanctuary as my right-hand woman that day and the weeks leading up to the event. Who drove in from five hours away to hold the space and tend to the exquisite details of venue excellence and sumptuous catered food and otherworldly flowers and loot bags. And it wasn’t made magical simply because of the prosecco celebration. And it wasn’t made magical simply because the video crew was unparalleled.
I mean, it was. But, unbelievably, that wasn’t all.
Some day - and that day is not today - I will tell you exactly what went on behind the scenes for me personally. Some day - and that day is not today - I will tell you exactly what was going on inside of my heart.
But I will say - today - that I had vast fears that I would not be able to attend my own event.
For once, this wasn’t coming from the Imposter Complex having a go at my capacity, capabilities, nor my readiness. No. It was coming from the fact that I spent the day before the event in the emergency room with someone I adore who is dealing with some pretty heavy stuff. Things were feeling pretty grim.
Day by day, as they say.
But this isn’t about that. Some day. But not today.
This is about how the magic happened THAT day.
It began, as all great stories of magic do, with a "yes."
I finally said "yes" to the whispers I’ve been ignoring for years about creating and teaching my own event.
And when I said yes, I knew I’d need support. So I reached out to Tania. And she said yes.
And then I opened the EventBrite page and made the offer in one single Facebook post and THEY said yes. In under 24 hours we were filled to capacity.
To be sure, there were plenty of times that I had doubts about my capacity, my capability, and my readiness, but when those unwelcome thoughts crept in, I drank deeply from the chalice of advice I asked Elan Morgan to pour me in advance of my TEDx Women talk years ago. She generously complied and my cup has continued to overflow with the goodness ever since. And so, I offer you her words.
Everyone in the audience is rooting for you and they already believe in you.
Pretend you are telling your favourite client this stuff.
You’re the one in the know on this topic.
Wear comfortable shoes. Brené Brown wisely wears Danskos.
You will be excellent.
You can totally rock this. It’s terrifying as all hell, but so is all the great stuff we do in life. It’s a sign of exhilaration.
Yes. Of course she was right. (Though I never ever heed her wise fourth point.)
And when I was tired and cold and in doubt of Elan’s third point and wanted to over-prepare to the point of exhaustion, I would wrap myself in the swaths of wisdom I asked of Julie Daley who heartily and fully offered me this:
Leave space in the room.
You are simply the vehicle for the intelligence in the room.
Feel for the ripeness and use the emergent.
Yes. Of course SHE was also right.
So, so, so right.
And while I had some lingering worry that I wouldn’t be present that day, with so much concern for the health of my loved one, I did it.
I WAS present. I rose up. I made space. I WAS space.
In the words of the 25 gorgeous souls who attended, the day was indeed “magical”. AND ALSO?
“motivating, epic, intense, uplifting, relief, mind-blasting, safe, healing, inspiring, connected, grounding, essential, revealing, transformational, unforgettable, love-filled”
(All photos: Marius Masalar)
Yes, I did that. We all did that.
And you will too.
When you are on the precipice of meeting your own desires and finally heeding the whispers of your soul, may I remind you to:
Surround yourself with the best.
Ask for what you need.
Show up for you, for your work, for your soul. For them.
Be assured that your love and deep desire for light creates the space for the magic.
Pursue impeccability, but remain untethered to it. No perfection guaranteed, no perfection required.
Do your work. As you do best. Teach. Sing. Lead. Coach. Write. Do it. DO IT.
And when you do, you will be excellent. And you will rewarded with the knowledge that you rose UP.
And you will know that magic happened.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
What will you do with your 39,420,000 wild and precious minutes?
My daughter was recently tasked with asking me and my husband how many minutes we’ve been alive. For me: 22,645,440.
That’s a lot of minutes.
And I remember many of them very very well.
My daughter was recently tasked with asking me and my husband how many minutes we’ve been alive.
For me: 22,645,440.
That’s a lot of minutes.
And I remember many of them very very well.
Births. Deaths. Weddings. Orangina sipped in the Loire Valley when I was a child. Then chardonnay 20 years later in that same spot as an adult. Sprinklers in Portugal. The moment we were allowed to bring her home. The first time hugging on-line friends in real life. The smell of my dog Jesse when he was a puppy. When I got busted for stealing the gum. Tijuana with my bestie when we were 17. My first pay cheque. My last pay cheque. The first marathon phone call with my now husband (the shortest five hours of my life.) Fresh falling snow that Christmas Eve in Innsbruck. Getting the news from the doctor.
About that last point.
I went for a follow-up appointment with my doctor to see about something that has been on my mind. The news she had for me was so-so.
It’s better than I feared and still not fantastic.
A word on that: I will get ahead of it. Already am.
But this isn’t about that.
I mean, it is and it isn’t.
It’s about what’s next.
As I was sitting in that waiting room, reflecting upon those 22,645,440 minutes, I of course couldn’t help but consider how quickly they’ve gone.
And? We don’t get them back. But we can look to what’s ahead.
(Doctors’ offices are intense.)
We are each treated to, on average, 39,420,000 minutes.
Still a lot of digits.
But. Do the math.
I’m going to have to make the balance count.
You too?
Here’s what we know:
Whatever we are doing consistently, we are getting better at.
New neural pathways get etched in the brain, like water carving out the Grand Canyon. Bit by bit. Thought by thought. Action by action.
We begin to master whatever that is.
Which has me sitting up a whole lot taller and straighter. I know what I don’t want want to master (worrying, sitting in fear, judgment, looking back, apologizing for everything...'it's just easier that way') which makes way for what I do want (more joy - which for me includes: connection, generosity and gratitude - more expansion, more meaning, more healing, more decisiveness, more love).
Over to you.
With your remaining millions of minutes, what do you want to become masterful at?
Or, to paraphrase Mary Oliver, once again:
What will you do with your minutes
Will you spend them devoted to:
Just getting by? Keeping draining relationships alive? Checking your phone like it’s your job (it’s not)? Saying “I’m not ready yet”, to opportunities? Giving into your fears, distractions, compulsions, addictions, and procrastinations? Feeding the worries? Saying “not now”, to your loved ones? Being on time? Raising your hand? Committing to your art? Tending to your body like the temple that it is? Parenting presently? Bringing your light to the dark? Coming home to yourself? Savouring what’s on your plate? Operating from a place of love?
You’re getting masterful at all of those things. Bit by bit. Thought by thought. Action by action.
Starting now.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
You asked for this.
You asked for the interview. You asked for the opportunity. You asked for the gig. You asked for the chance. You asked for the expansion.
So why are you secretly hoping they’ll say no?
Because you don’t think you deserve it? That they’ll find out you’re an impostor once you get there?
Lean in close, Honey.
Everything you’ve done and been and said and thought and wanted and healed and built and delivered and taught and created and survived has brought you to this moment.
To this YES.
This yes is yours to receive.
Because you asked for it.
Got that? Good.
But who am I to receive this yes, you ask? Lean in closer still. So our eyes are locked. Feel me looking into your eyes? Good.
(Swapping your name with mine, say it with me now:)
I’m Tanya Effing Geisler and every hour, every second, every decision, every yes, every no, every word, every early morning, every missed family event, every fumble, every edit, every practice, every brushstroke, every risk, every win has lead me here.
This is my time. Mine.
Because I asked for this.
Pass it on. xx/TG
You asked for this
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
What I remembered about EVERYTHING from my Board of Your Life Experience
This post (with the grade school title) has taken me over four weeks to write. Not because it’s that long (should only take you, like, three minutes to read) but because I’ve had so much to unpack since August 4th. That was the day of my first ever Board of Your Life session. As in ME. I HAD the Board of Your LifeTM session. I’ve facilitated plenty and have walked 100’s of people through their own experience using the Board of Your Life kit, but I have never actually treated myself to the full meal deal.
And it was full, all right. Like a towering buffet, laden with the most succulent splendour. Like perfectly steamed vegetables glistening like gems of every colour. Like endless trays of lusciously ripe fruits and platters of (sustainable!) seafood and, and, and….beyond.
Yes. It was full like THAT. Nourishing. Abundant. Sustaining. Delicious.
But even more than nourishing and abundant and sustaining and delicious…it felt essential. Like, OXYGEN essential.
Let me back up in case you don’t know what Board of Your Lifeis.
It’s a process, a focus group, a fusion of coaching and brainstorming and heartstorming and barn-raising for your soul that I created long before I even knew what coaching was. It's an exquisite immersion in who you are, what you're great at, how you're showing up and what's next. To start.
And creating it LEAD me to coaching back in 2008. It’s extremely powerful stuff. But once again? It feels essential. Oxygen essential.
Like, if-we-lived-in-a-medicine-culture-and-you-lost-your-ability-to-make-your-medicine-it-would-behoove-us-all-to-help-you-to-find-your-medicine-again, essential.
And it’s taken me over four weeks to write about it because what I learned about myself in that two hour session will sustain me for a lifetime.
(I say “learned”, but I really mean “remembered”. I say “remembered”, but I really mean “reclaimed”.)
It has already shifted the way I make decisions. It has shifted the way I write, parent, coach, learn, create. It has shifted where I see myself now and where I see myself GOING.
It has shifted my relationship with myself.
It has shifted…everything.
I’ll write plenty more on that when the time is right, but for the moment, I want to share what I learned about the experience because I want so deeply for you to have this experience too.
So, without further ado, here’s what Board of Your Life reminded me. About everything.
Your people want you to succeed.
I didn’t set out to hold a Board of Your Life session for myself, you know. But in a call with my mastermind group of super star sisters, it became clear to me that I had, as above, lost some ingredients to the medicine I am here to make. So they reminded me that I had JUSSSST the thing for that in my bag of tricks. That my very own Board of Your Life process was precisely the answer to my questions that had me fumbling around in the darkness of my blind spots.
And that THEY were the ones to light the way. To remind me of who I am. To reflect back the parts of me that I'd tucked away. And they were. And they did.
Your people will show up. BECAUSE.IT.MATTERS.
Julie, powerful and masterful teacher, elected to be my facilitator. Guided by the Fabulous Facilitators' Guide found in the kit, she went above and beyond, imagining every possible outcome, crafting the bespoke experience. She wanted so much and so deeply for me that I could sense her (HER!) nervousness when we began. Ever so subtle. But reminding me, no matter how accomplished and skilled we are that if this matters? You WILL feel nervous. Fact. The Imposter Complex wants to have us believing something else, but that right there is the truth. Nerves show up to show you what matters.
Kate was having trouble getting into the Google hangout, so she went, like, live and in person, to Lauren’s house. She wasn’t gonna miss it. Because it mattered.
Randi was having audio issues but made sure her voice was heard loud and proud (oh, how it was).Amy reached deep into her marrow to offer me up treat after treat. Ronna’s eyes filled with love and knowing told me a lifetime of seeing. Because it mattered.
They showed up. They SHOWED UP. Because of who I am, because of who they are and because of their sheer desire to help me to see myself. Fully. Because it mattered.
Transformation can be extremely fun.
(Whaaaaaa? Yes. It can.)
IMG_8381
When I arrived in the private Facebook group dedicated to me (ME!) I used the first of eight tissues that day. It was like a surprise party in my honour that I already knew all about. I felt the virtual confetti on my cheeks. And the Pinterest Board created and dedicated to their dreams, hopes and visions for me is up there with a picture of my husband and daughter on vacation for my most cherished image on my laptop.
We laughed (a lot).
We are consistently and persistently and unnecessarily hard on ourselves.
Nothing new under the sun here, my friends. But as the Creator of the Board of Your Life process, I was overtly, painfully cognizant of how some of the exercises and prompts in the kit felt outdated. To ME. (You know that feeling when you’ve been living inside of your head, of your content, of your process for so long you feel it’s old and tired…to you?) But they weren’t. The exercises and prompts were perfect for my session. And felt fresh. And new. And insightful. And I just needed to get over it and trust the process that I had created from my deep well of knowing so many years ago. (Your well is just as deep, Love.)
Stepping up for yourself ain’t no small thing.
Board of Your Life is indeed delicious…but it’s not all luscious fruits and confetti. And in stone cold truth, it’s not for the faint of heart. But it’s for those who are no longer content to fumble around.
About a month before I met the brilliant Selena Soo in NYC this summer, I’d heard her being interviewed by Andrew Warner of Mixergy. He’s a tough interviewer and was asking some pretty pointed questions about how she’s managed to realize the quantum leaps in her business that she has.
She told him that she'd held a focus group, inviting some leaders she respected and trusted and admired. Ramit Sethi. Derek Halpern. It sounded much like Board of You Life (it wasn’t, but it held the same intentions.) They offered her some perspectives that were the grease lightning for her in her business.
Smart. Not easy, per se. But smart.
In truth, there were moments when it was a little hard to breathe. How much more could I hold? I noticed the places where I wanted to hide behind note-taking. (Unnecessary…Lauren was scribing like the secrets of the universe were found in our words.) As above, I noticed where I wanted to make the content wrong. Where I wanted to manage the saboteurs of the group, or remind my Board members that the light that they saw in me was merely a reflection of them (which is truth). Also true: these tactics were mere distractions to shield me from the brightness that was being illuminated for me. The brightness that is calling me forth…to step up.
Because as Julie so exquisitely said:
It feels like Board of Your Life is an opportunity to (re)construct a mirror of who we truly are - a mirror that is fragmented because none of us can really see the totality of who and what we are, and mirroring is essential to coming to sense it.
Which, like I said, feels essential. And worth it.
So, you’re going to see me make some changes around here in my business. Like new offerings (including an immersive one day coaching experience with me, and retreats, and, and...) you’ll know they came from my Board of Your Life experience. But most of all, when you see me shining fully and truthfully, you’ll be able to trace it back to August 4th, 2015.
And finally, as I share in 12 Lies of the Imposter Complex (and One Truth):
There’s room for improvement.
Absolutely, there is.
For me. For you. And for Board of Your Life, the PROCESS.
This much I do know with every fibre of my being: Your people want you to succeed. Let them help you.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.