Articles
Get it? Got it? Good.
How do you react when someone doesn’t “get it”? You know…your idea, your point, how they’ve hurt you etc. Does it:
A) Frustrate you? Does it feel isolating, perplexing, and downright rude? Do you filibuster your point in an attempt to win over the other side?
Or, does it:
B) Annoy you but you let it roll away? Maybe your inner dialogue goes something like: “meh, she just doesn’t get it” and the implied “and she never will” isn’t required.
I have been a camper in cabin A for most of my life. Particularly in my personal life, I very much dislike people not getting it. I generally used to try a step-wise approach starting with reasoned articulation which would beget cajoling which would beget influence which would beget whining (am ashamed to say) which would beget strong-arming acquiescence. Attractive, non? I do not recommend this approach to everyone (read: anyone). On the plus side, I would “win” because people would EVENTUALLY see the point I was trying desperately to make…they may not have LIKED my stance, but connection was made and comprehension achieved, albeit begrudgingly.
The down side of this approach is pretty obvious, isn’t it? It’s exhausting for both sides…and I come off looking like a pill. A sweaty, spent pill who browbeat her way to a flimsy and tenuous victory.
Part of the problem stemmed from the fact that my need to be understood did not distinguish its audience. It did not care if you “get” ME (or are one of my peeps) or if I get you. This is the big, fat, ugly flaw in the approach. It’s an expenditure of energy that may well not be requited. So I stopped (or *mostly* stopped) doing it.
Here’s what’s helped me and maybe you too. See if you can connect with why it’s so important to be understood. Yes, it must be a strong value of yours and one that should not be trampled on, and there is a way to save this for those who matter. Discriminate! Go ahead…do it...just this once! Save your gift of persuasion for the big battles and for those whose opinions really matter to you. Anyone else and you’re just contributing to the hot air. And Lord knows, there’s enough of that goin’ ‘round.
Campers from cabin B…your turn.
If you’re a “let’s just drop it” kind of person and you really CAN drop it, kudos to you. Seriously…that’s impressive. If, however, you are able to drop it externally but internally aren’t cool with it, there’s some work here. Assuming we’re talking about someone who generally gets you but doesn’t get IT, by dismissing them in this point, you’re missing out on the opportunity to share and grow closer to them. You’re also missing out on the chance to help them “get” it with others too. Connectivity and communion…lost. You may also be dipping your toes in the pool of martyrdom…walking away from what you may well REALLY want on account of righteousness. Oooooh, sting-y.
Example:
Resentful Writer: “My family doesn’t get my need for quiet time so I can write. So I don’t get to write…fine.” (hint: it is soooo not fine, but you, gentle reader, knew that, didn’t you?)
Me: “Have you been clear about that request?”
RW: “I shouldn’t have to. They should know it’s important. They should know by now that if I don’t let my creative juices flow onto the page and keep them bottled up that they’ll just turn to vinegar and I’ll be just as bitter.”
Me: “Uh huh. Great metaphor…you really would do well to capture that stuff on paper. But they don’t get it, do they? So help them. What else can you try?”
So, off goes our RW and says something along these lines to the family: “I’m asking that you respect my need to write. It’s not just important to me, it’s essential. I need 45 minutes a day. Maybe more. You’ll know when I’m in the zone because the door to my office will be closed. Respect it please and I love you”.
Now they’re in. They “get it”. It’s clear and so’s the ask.
All that’s left in your office is you, a wide berth of respect, the clickety clack of the keys and Mozart’s Symphony No. 29 (or K’Naan if that’s your thing).
Whether you unrolled your sleeping bag in cabin A or B, what wants to be noticed here is really the who, what and why. To wit: “She doesn’t get it” = where the "who" (she) is someone whose buy-in matters, "what" is the “getting” (meaning comprehending and not necessarily agreeing) and "why" is the importance of “it” as the real issue, with no other baggage tossed in the mix.
And from that place of getting "it", we can get each other and get what we want...clean and clear communication.
Whew.
All campers from both cabins can come on out now and gather by the fire now to sing "kumbaya"...it's safe because we all get it now.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Powerlessness
{This is about as personal a post as I’ve written…if you don’t feel like you need to take on anyone else’s sadness this week, perhaps you could check back with me next week…in the meantime, you may want to check out this link for a list of reputable charities vetted by CNN and reportedly respected by NGOs. Thank you for coming by. Peace, love and please hug your people}.
Like most citizens of the globe, I have spent the past couple of days feeling helpless, sad, angry, impotent and frustrated by the catastrophe in quake-ravaged Haiti. Each image we’re shown is more searing than the last and it’s nearly impossible to sustain the viewing for any amount of time.
Also like most citizens of the globe, I’ve texted money and made on-line donations…cash is needed badly. After the donations are made, I then sit back and wait to feel satiated by this token effort. Nothing happens. No moment of calm, no moment of pride, no moment of relief.
So, I stew in my discomfort. So many lives, so many dreams, so many children. Fear, pain, uncertainty, and panic. What do I know of these? Blessedly little.
Flitting and fretting and drinking herbal tea, I’ve haunted around the house long after the babe and husband have fallen asleep, gentle snores reminders of comfort and full bellies.
I try to put on my pragmatic hat and am unable to bear it for any length of time. The magnitude of loss defies rational explanation. Then I try to don my coach’s hat and look for different perspectives. Also a poor fit in this moment.
So I sip the tea and I wait for the powerlessness to wane.
(On Boxing Day, 2004, the tsunamis in the Indian Ocean killed 230,000 people in 14 countries. My mother was dying in hospital at the time and passed away on the 27th of December. I vaguely recall being saddened to hear the nurse who covered my mother’s face with linen had family in Indonesia but recall little beyond that. That is what happens in grief. We make it about us.)
Here I am, citizen of this world, seeing hundreds of thousands of lives shattered and what am I doing? Waiting to feel better...still making it about me. Normal, I suspect. And weak. So very very weak.
I’ve turned to Twitter for inspiration and have indeed been inspired by how that community has mobilized $$, creatively and compassionately. Beautiful to behold in its grassroots reach.
What I’ve also seen, is people saying “no” to feeling powerless and stepping into their power.
Kelly Diels started the inspired Help Haiti Blog Challenge. Her words and her actions are her power. Clearly.
Danielle is spreading the word and the love and is donating a firestarter session for cash to Haiti (her firestarter session will knock your socks off)…this is her power.
Lisa is hosting a fundraising brunch. Her power is in connectivity.
There are thousands of others stepping into their power…going to ground zero, holding and nurturing. Healing and loving. Moving and digging.
My power lies in my ability to be grateful and capacity to love and be loved. This was a gift from my mother (she used to call me at my "important" advertising job to tell me, no matter WHAT I was doing at the time of the call - in a client meeting, having/giving a review etc - to tell me that she just saw the most beautiful butterfly and thought of me).
So, in honour of my power of gratitude: I am grateful today. My husband, child and I live under one sturdy roof. I am doing the work in this world that I love and I have a fridge full of food, money in the bank and live in a country rich in resources. I will spread this gratitude around, continue to make donations as I feel so moved and speak to my daughter about empathy and disaster in the language appropriate for a tender-hearted 5 year old. I will be where my clients need me to be and help them to find their power.
I would hug each and every one of you (heart to heart, as my mother taught me) if I thought that would heal in some way the massive amounts of pain that are palpable in this moment. It wouldn’t, but I don’t know what else to give.
Please step into your power, whatever it is…our neighbours need you.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Gesundheit
One ordinary day last week, I decided to change my sneeze. Just like that. Now, I had never given my sneeze much thought. It’s an involuntary convulsive reaction and kind of gross. Not much to consider there. (Truth be told, the only sneeze I’ve ever really taken much note of belonged to a friend way back in high school…she had the most adorable way of sneezing…a series of up to 15 little “kyew kyew”s...entertaining as anything to witness...especially during Macro Economics). While no one could call MY sneeze adorable, I’d say it’s always been just this side of polite. Reserved, even.
Overcome with a sneezing fit last week, I decided to just have at ‘er. I was pissed off about something and decided to time a good belly roar with said sneeze. My “achoo” became an AAAAAAACHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I scared the bejesus out of my cats and nearly blew my brains out. It was the full expression of my very own sneeze. And it felt amazing. I committed right then and there to ever-more sneeze with my heart and soul. Why not? It’s easy and it’s free.
Got me thinking…where else am I holding back in the name of politesse? Among other things:
Opinions – I tend to shy away from conflict…except to resolve others’ (Libran peace-maker, don’t you know). This means I to keep my mouth shut when I really want to let you know that it’s NOT okay to be late for a meeting. It devalues my time and is simply not cool.
Advice – I wish oh wish oh wish I had have said to that pining young man on the subway “just give her your card before she gets off at the next stop…she doesn’t see the adoration in your eyes and the way that you’re envisioning a beautiful life together. Go now…NOW!” But I didn't.
I see so many others holding back too: affection, compliments, self-care, generosity, wisdom, gratitude, enthusiasm, energy, optimism, humour, kindness, leadership, originality, spirituality, honesty, forgiveness. As a society, we can be pretty stingy about spreading this honey around. At what cost?
So here’s my invitation to you. Just once, put aside all the boffo reasons that you SHOULDN’T gushingly express your gratitude and just do it…loud and proud like a wasabi-induced sneeze.
You just may like it...and I'm positive it's good for your health.
Gesundheit!
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
How smart are you(r goals)?
Today is January 8, 2010…one business week into the new year. Tired of talking about goals yet? A little? It has become apparent to me that the single-biggest reason people don’t “achieve” their stated goals is kinda simple. Their goals just aren’t very smart. Pretty judg-y for a Life Coach, aren’t I? Well here’s what I mean.
You may well know already that SMART is a mnemonic (man, I should find a way to use that word more often) used for goal-setting:
Specific – is the goal clear?
Measurable – will you know if progress is being made and when the goal is achieved?
Attainable – is it within reach?
Realistic – are you willing and able to do it?
Timely – what’s the deadline?
This is all very good and sound and makes perfect sense. Of course. AND it kinda sorta makes me yawn involuntarily.
There have been many variations on the theme (I’ve seen “significant”, “stretching”, “simple”, “meaningful”, “manageable”, “actionable”, “appropriate”, “achievable”, “relevant”, “trackable”, and “tangible” to name a few) but by FAR my favourite riffs come from the good folks at CTI. Instead of “realistic” (which, let’s face it, is the same as attainable) they’ve taught us coaches to play with “RESONANT” and instead of “timely”, we get “THRILLING”!!!! Fwoosh-kapow-ZING!!!
Resonant – Think authentic. This isn’t something you read in a magazine and thought…“I guess if it worked for Jennifer Aniston, well then”. If it’s resonant, you’ll not hear the watch words “should”, “ought to” or “have to”…instead you’ll hear: “Yeah Baby!” Deep in your being, you just know it’s right for you. It honours your values and it is going to be fun. Mmm-hmm.
Thrilling – Do a gut check. Does it make your tummy tumble? Scare the bejesus out of you? No? Then it’s likely not thrilling for you. And remember to check your judgment at the door here…this is YOUR goal. Writing a book on time management would be the complete antithesis of thrilling for me, and it may well set the butterflies fluttering in your rib cage. Luckily, it’s YOUR goal, not mine. So, go for it.
Smart goals will make you sweat…they will challenge you and stretch you. They may be unpleasant at times and you may well want to throw in the towel, but the overall resonance and thrill of the goal will keep it alive and well. And better yet…achieved.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
The Year of More
I have declared that 2010 will be the year of MORE. Now, truth be told, I have always had a certain level of discomfort with “more”. “More” is gauche, showy and brash. “More” is greedy, petulant and wasteful. This was epitomized for me in Costa Rica…my husband and I were on a yoga/surfing retreat and in love with the town but alarmed by how quickly it seemed to be developing, including an opulent new condo development that boasted that this was the place to be when “more just isn’t enough”. The storey-high Buddhist statues ramped up the cringe-inducing factor by ten-fold.
So yeah, “more” can seem kind of icky.
But you know what is ickier? A life lived in the shadows of potential. Clients come to coaching because they no longer want to hang out in that murky place. They want more...and I want it for them too. I dream of it and hold them higher than they hold themselves. I challenge them to step on out of those shadows and into the spotlight of their choosing. And that's where we do our work.
I’m turning that on myself as a gift to me. I, too, want more. And as ever, it’s about choice. As Steven Wright put it: “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” To make room for more, I’ll need to make some space in my proverbial closets.
And so, I choose:
More of being my authentic self and less of being what others ask me to be
More trust in the paths I’m choosing and less waffling about it
More travel and less work on the house
More writing and less surfing (web, that is)
More time with family and less work on weekends
More focus on the people I love and cherish and less on those I don’t
More physical challenges and less time in my comfort zones
More frequent pedicures at less chi-chi places
More money…and less apologizing about it.
Oh, it will be work…and it will be worth it. And so much more.
And you?
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
2009 in Review
I’ve just sent out a reflection tool to my clients. (I am happy to share it with you…email me if you’d like me to send you a copy). In it, I ask them to complete this sentence: “For me, 2009 was the year of: ____________________”
I’ll start.
“For me, 2009 was the year of NEW.” - New business, new direction, new people, new challenges, new ventures, heck, even new definitions of new.
Inspired by Gwen Bell's Best of 2009 series, I’m devoting this post to all the “Best new (to me)” things of 2009. So…here is my list. It bears repeating that each item ought to be prefaced with “Best new (to me)”...this is important to note as I really and truly roll a little behind the times...culturally-speaking, at least:
Web tool – Twitter. While I still regard this application as a family member that I only really want to hang out with when I have to (not that I have any of THOSE in my family tree…I mean it!!!), my social media strategist is helping me to see the light.
Song – Boa Sorte by Ben Harper and Vanessa da Mata. Chillingly sweet.
Restaurant – Blowfish…curry salmon sushi. Sublime.
Workshop – Fulfillment workshop with CTI led by the mighty L.A. Reding. An unadulterated love-fest.
Taste sensation – Parmesan and chocolate chips. Now, trust me, this is not something I’ll eat with great frequency, but the Babe discovered it and I was mighty impressed with the sweet/savoury combo. I adore that experimenting with food seems to be a hereditary trait.
Realization – I can let things go without letting my self go. This is big and continues to be my work.
Article – Coach Buffet got some press in the national newspaper (hey…this is MY list, I can be self-promotional, can’t I?)
Blog – The Fluent Self. Havi Brooks is wicked clever and unabashed about setting boundaries.
City – Montreal. I’ve been countless times, BUT we did a houseswap for a weekend and really got to know the city…beyond just Biodome and the best place to get bagels.
Change in lifestyle – Quitting smoking…for keeps (thank you Dyana)
Unpaid gig – Mentoring young entrepreneurs through YES. Supremely gratifying.
Challenge – Conceived in 2009, it will be executed in 2010…it is, (drum roll please) The Great Canadian Yoga Stretch in support of CNIB…stay tuned.
Launch party – Jacqueline Parker’s SoloMag launch at Brassaii.
Scheduling software – Tungle...makes booking one-off meetings ridiculously easy and makes the organizer look super swift. Love that.
Visual – Babe clasping her hands at her chest during the live performance of the Sound of Music. (It was especially poignant during “Climb Every Mountain” …my mom’s favourite)
Tea – Almond Sunset (yup, good ol’ Celestial Seasonings). I discovered this in Lisa’s living room with dark chocolate and invigorating conversation with some delightful women.
Source of inspiration – Ray Zahab. Have you read about this man? Incredible.
Form of self-expresssion – Yer readin’ it. I’ve just discovered (well, back in January, I guess) that I really really like to write. Brenda Ueland wrote: “I learned that you should feel when writing, not like Lord Byron on a mountain top, but like child stringing beads in kindergarten, - happy, absorbed and quietly putting one bead on after another.” I just so happen to enjoy beading too. And if my readers get something out of my writing, well, then what more could I ask for?
TV Show - Flight of the Conchords. Hi-freakin-larious. Fo' shizzle (told you I was a little behind the times).
Memory – Bundled under cozy blankets on the dock up in Haliburton with my husband… snoring Babe draped over our laps, a lovely pinot grigio in one hand, bowl of popcorn nearby and millions of stars to be admired (21 of which were shooting). Expansive love.
Best new “you” – Every last one of my glorious and fearless clients. I wish I could name them all…in fact shout their names out from the highest mountain, but alas, confidentiality is sacred.
It was a curious year. Which is good, as I am a curious person.
2010 will be the year of MORE. I just know it…in fact, I just declared it. More travel, more time spent doing exactly what feels right, more of my “right” people. To make this space available, I will need to commit to “less” or certain things. More on “more” later.
Thank you for being here with me this past year. I wish you love and joy and I hope to see MORE of you in 2010.
TG
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.