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Thing Finding Thursday with Amy Kessel
When Amy Kessel reached out to me to do this interview, I was immediately smitten. I've known her "in this space" as a life coach (and transformational muse) whose work I've appreciated and admired for a while now. It was her warmth and transparency that REALLY pulled me in (am a glutton for warmth and transparency). I knew I was dealing with a woman in her process. In her joy and in her wisdom. Yes, I liked her very much.
And how much she loves her work in the world? Her THING? Shivery goosebumps of resonance. Frankly, it's precisely what we deeply desire for you.
So I asked her to please say more. From the sunshine of Rome, she delivered.
What's your thing?
Amy Kessel: My thing is so much a part of me it’s hard to even call it a “thing”. It’s what others have appreciated in me and what I have sought constantly since I was a teenager. It’s my ability to connect deeply in a no-bullshit, straight to the heart kind of way that enables whomever I’m with to see themselves more clearly than they could otherwise. My thing creates a win-win situation: I find myself most fully at home in that raw space of heart level conversation, and the other person is thrilled and empowered by seeing her wisdom reflected back to her.
Sigh.
The tragedy is that I spent most of my career ignoring this gift in favor of using skills I half-heartedly honed in work I didn’t love. And the pinch-me-I’m-dreaming incredibly good news is that I finally figured out how to turn my thing into a Thing. In other words, I now get paid to do what I love and what I’m genetically programmed for. My coaching practice brings me deep-diving women who are ready to get real with themselves. I connect again and again, and bring to our conversation my innate gift along with my coaching tools. Our work together is fulfilling to me on a level I had no idea was possible.
Double sigh.
Was finding your thing the result of a divine revelation, an insane invention, a culmination of insights...or something else?
Amy Kessel: I love this question. When my youngest child was toddling around and I was beginning to think about life after fulltime mommying, I started asking the universe for clues. My hunch was that I wanted my work to be aligned with who I had become since I’d left the non-profit world years before. I wanted flexibility, independence and creativity to be part of my work. I wanted to lead with my values, and top of the list was connection.
I had no idea what that might look like.
So finding my thing was the result of staying true to myself, staying with the discomfort of open-ended questions, and being game to explore. I found my way to life coaching with an attitude of willing experimentation, rather than any kind of certainty that it would be a good fit.
I don’t know if it was a divine revelation, but I do know that I have never looked back.
Obstacles/fears/doubts – what were they, how'd you vanquish them?
Amy Kessel: I didn’t! Fears and doubts are here and won’t be going away anytime soon, as far as I can tell. I have all the standard variety fears, plus a nice selection of my own personal best. I work with them by inviting them to the table, to see if there’s some wisdom I can glean from them. And then I put them where they belong, at the sidelines, and I get on with my business.
It’s absurd to imagine we can vanquish fears. I prefer to see myself and my clients as courageous open-hearted warriors with bellies full of butterflies. Each time I overcome an obstacle in my path, it’s by choosing to believe the reliable voice I have within. This voice may be quieter and less screechy than the voices of fear, but it is true wisdom itself. When I allow myself to hear it, it’s accurate beyond belief.
What questions did you ask yourself to trigger your a-ha moments...and what signs and milestones should others be looking for in their journeys?
Amy Kessel: What am I doing when I feel most at ease?
What makes me thrive?
Why do I want what I want?
What am I pretending not to know?
What wants to unfurl in me?
How can I best be of service to myself and others?
Starting with big questions, especially those that make us squirm, is a great way to find our paths and start walking them. And making peace with not knowing the answers is a crucial aspect of these journeys.
Watch for signs that warn you that you have veered off course, as well as signs that remind you you’re on your way. The best initial gauge is the body. Listen to it, as it doesn’t know how to lie. Heed its warning. Or else!
To me, milestones are less important as stand-alones, and more helpful in reminding us of what we want and why we want it. When we settle on what it is that makes us feel most alive, our job is simply to use that to navigate our way toward it. All roads lead to Rome*, so even a path that turns out to be dead-end is an opportunity to find another route. Use milestones to sustain you on your journey; they provide proof that we’re on course, and they give us opportunities to celebrate our progress. (Champagne, anyone?)
The hard part is finding your why. Once you’ve got that, and you call it your compass, the rest is a walk in the woods.
*Side note: this post was written on a sunny afternoon in Rome.
***
Ahhhh..."willing experimentation". I think of this trying different remedies to soothe the itch, but holding the scientific method (remember this from grade school?): Ask the question. Do the research. Create the hypothesis. Experiment. Draw your conclusion.
Am also appreciating the "listen to the wisdom of the fears" as well as the call to "listen to the wisdom of the body".
AND making peace with the discomfort of not knowing the answers. THIS. IS. BIG. Not forcing, not white-knuckling. Allowing. Unfurling. UnFURLING...this is a strong visual and one that is important in Amy's work.
So in Amy's honour, let's start there: what wants to unFURL in you?
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You can find Amy Kessel at her site www.amykessel.com; on Twitter; or Facebook.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Thing Finding Thursday with Mary-Margaret McMahon
Mary-Margaret McMahon is something of a Rock Star in my neighbourhood.
Her official bio: Mary Margaret McMahon is the city councillor for Ward 32 Beaches East York where she's lived with her family for 20 years. A consummate neighbourhood advocate and connector, Councillor McMahon helped found the East Lynn Farmers Market on Danforth, has organized community socials, greening and gardening initiatives and worked as a senior manager and education leader. Her outgoing personality and positive contribution to the neighbourhood is what the citizens appreciate most about her.
Well, yes. And she is fearless, bold and committed. And a hell of a lot of fun.
This anecdote from The Toronto Star does a fine job of stating my case:
She’s dressed in a giant peapod costume, walking along the Danforth on a hot summer’s afternoon, urging passersby to visit the farmers’ market she helped organize in a nearby park.
A bunch of teenage boys are pointing and snickering at her. McMahon follows them into a convenience store and pointedly asks: “What? Don’t you guys like vegetables?” The teens are stunned by her frankness and are forced to admit they like vegetables, including peas.
How she went from “political unknown” stay-at-home Mama to wildly popular (unseating four-term incumbent by 9000 votes) City Councillor fascinates me. So of course I had to ask her about it.
What's your thing?
Mary-Margaret McMahon: Helping people.
Was finding your thing the result of a divine revelation, an insane invention, a culmination of insights...or something else?
Mary-Margaret McMahon: Staying home with my kids gave me the opportunity to volunteer.
Volunteering gave me the opportunity to see how much small gestures, time, and energy can make a huge difference to someone. That made me feel wonderful. So I got hooked. I also grew up in a home with parents who were/are huge volunteers.
After I saw what I could accomplish in our pocket, I thought why not spread the volunteer bug and empower people across the ward and city to build better neighbourhoods?!
Obstacles/fears/doubts – what were they, how'd you vanquish them?
Mary-Margaret McMahon: The more I spoke to people about my idea, the more they empowered me! Some tried to talk me out of it but I am very obstinate. I worried about not having a Campaign Manager but was hopeful one would come out of the woodwork at some point. S/he never did!! But it didn't matter!
Knocking at doors was so much fun and very empowering! Some people berated me but it was good practice and gave me a thicker skin.
Plus I am an eternal optimist and absolutely love people!
What questions did you ask yourself to trigger your a-ha moments...and what signs and milestones should others be looking for in their journeys?
Mary-Margaret McMahon: I didn't really ask myself anything except why not spread my enthusiasm across the ward and encourage people to be the change they wish to see.
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Here's what I'm taking away from Mary-Margaret's experience:
Talk to your people - Get their perspectives. Help them help you get excited about your thing. Let them in.
Volunteer - see what fits.
Walk your talk - literally.
And that asking yourself "WHY NOT spread my gifts and enthusiasm?" - and answering it with action - feels essential.
So let's start there: what are YOUR gifts that you'd enthusiastically like to share?
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You can find Mary-Margaret at her site http://www.councillormcmahon.com.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Failure (or - Nobody gets through this journey without a stubbed toe)
So you’ve been thinking about hiring me as your coach, have you?
Confession time: I failed the all-important oral portion of my coaching certification exam.
No, no - WAIT. Come back!
I mean I failed it the FIRST time. Nailed it the second.
Yes, I am a fully certified professional coach. And have been for well over a year.
Are we better now?
Not really?
I guess I had THAT coming. Should have kept my mouth shut.
Here’s the story. It’s short and painful. Or at least, it was.
I worked hard during the 6-month certification process. Studied intently, got excellent grades on MOST of my supervisions. Breezed through the written part of the exam.
Then I got super cocky.
So cocky, in fact, that I chose to book the oral portion (live coaching of certification supervisors) on my birthday. I mean, what’s one more awesome thing to celebrate, right?
There was not a doubt in my mind that I was gonna win. Was loud and proud on my Facebook page. Bottle of champagne at the ready.
Like this picture of me when I was 9.
Love that kid and her “I’m gonna win” strut, right?
But sometimes we don’t win.
In fact, sometimes we fail.
Well, you know the drill. First I was in denial. Then I got mad. Then petulant. Then self-indulgent. Then probably mad again. Then I needed validation that there were OTHER amazing coaches who had failed (there were many).
Eventually, I landed on this: I’ll take the exam again. I’ll learn from this experience. I won’t like it, but I’ll do it.
So I did.
Here’s what I learned:
1. Confident is good. Cockiness, less so. Confidence is knowing what you are capable of. Cockiness is not leaving any room for error.
2. To win the game, you have to play the game. I re-listened to the audio of the exam. Just once. (It was all I could bear.) The coaching I did in that oral exam was excellent. I’d certainly hire me. But I didn’t use the SPECIFIC coaching tools I was being tested on. Kind of like being in a culinary examination on your ability to create puff pastry and trying to wow the examiners with your meringue prowess. Possibly delicious, but highly irrelevant. Had I been the supervisor looking for those tools, I’d also have failed me.
3. You have to know the rules to break the rules. I’m fiercely proud of the year-and-a-half that I spent training to become a coach. I don the hat that my client requires me to wear in that moment. Without exception.
4. Fail fast, recover faster. Lick your wounds and get back on the horse before you’ve made up your mind that you will never ride again. Because you know not-so-very-deep down that to never ride again is just punitive bullshit.
5. Lean into your friends. (Imma lookin’ at you, Lisa). They’ll remind you of this all-important truth, even when you choose not to see it:
6. Failing ≠ you are a failure.
7. If you’re a blogger, do not write about your process while you’re processing. You need time, space, and perspective to parse out what’s valuable for yourself and your readers. It’s one thing to be authentically vulnerable and quite another to do an emotional striptease.
8. You can still be a super star AND have failed. Like Beethoven. Gates. Lucas. Lincoln. Edison. Churchill. Spielberg. Ford. Honda. Disney. Winfrey. Socrates. Seinfeld. Godin. Ask your idol – she’ll tell you about the time she failed. It's like a friend once said: Nobody gets through this journey without a stubbed toe or two.
I’d much rather learn from success than from failure, but I’d be a fool not to take the learnings where I can.
And, honey? I may have failed, but I ain’t no fool, I ain’t no failure, and surely to heaven above, I will fail again.
But I’m also gonna win. Lots.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
An Idea Party Gone Intentional: Finding Your Thing with Board of Your Life
Or: 360 Degrees of You, Baby, You
In the last month of Thing Finding Thursdays, Chris Guillebeau, Dyana Valentine, Jenny Blake, and Kelly Diels each talked about asking yourself The Big Questions:
What do you really want to do?
What would you do if you weren't getting paid?
What are you really, really good at...and can you REALLY make a living at it?
To find - or admit - their things, they started by getting real, getting honest, and looking inside. They made the interior journey - and of course, no one can do that for you except you.
But that's only part of the process. When you're looking for clues and puzzle pieces to piece together your Thing, you need to look around, not just inside. Look to your people: your friends, family, co-workers, employers. People who've known you a long time, seen you in good and bad times, watched you at work and at play, witnessed you enchanted and thoroughly disenchanted.
It's kind of like the back of your ensemble. You might not see it unless you seek it out. But everyone around you sees you from all angles.
So ask them what they see.
But this is not about asking if your ass looks fat in those pants. This is about people who care for you, are invested in you, see you...
...helping you see your way forward. Maybe even helping you find Your Thing - and then brainstorming tangible, achievable steps to making Your Thing happen.
From an Idea Party...
In this month's O Magazine, Barbara Sher talks about the 'idea party'. You get together with your friends and each of you outline an intention, goal or dream, and then brainstorm ways to make it happen. You ask for help. For connections. For creativity. And someone knows someone with a vacation villa in Italy and a guru in India and an incandescent Javier Bardem look-alike in Bali and suddenly you're living - and writing - the next Eat Pray Love. Or maybe that's just in a Julia Roberts movie.
Or maybe it's your life.
The brilliantly simple point of an idea party is in the brainstorm, in the expanding of your possibilities from a party of one (you) to a team teeming with suggestions and directions.
Now that's a party. Let's have that party.
...To Assembling a Board of Your Life
But let's make that idea party even more purposive, more intentional, more accountable and more results-oriented. Let's not just assemble a team, let's assemble a Board.
Of Advisors.
For your Life.
That's what I've been doing for years: facilitating my baby, my brainchild, my Thing. And My Thing is called Board of Your Life. (It led me to coaching and I am eternally grateful. That's the point...Board of Your Life leads to magic).
Board of Your Life is a Summit. It's 360 degrees of invitation and clarity. It's an expedition and an adventure...and a wildly practical and possible process. And I've decided that I can no longer be the only one facilitating this gorgeousness. So I've created The Board of Your Life Kit, which includes:
a matrix to help you select and invite your advisors;
a list of tested, provocative, intensely productive questions;
a guide for your faciliator to effectively focus and lead the event; and
lists of all the materials needed to make the magic happen.
[It even includes templates for making the ask of your advisors. Confidence bolstering note: many Board of Your Life-ees are initially hesitant to ask potential advisors to participate...and then find, incredibly (and predictably!) that instead of being weirded out by the request, advisors feel profoundly honoured. When we do (or try to do) everything ourselves, we deny the people we care about the basic human dignity of supporting us. And so inviting your people into your decision making process is 360 degrees of generosity: you're sharing your purpose and your future with them; and they're sharing their knowledge of you with you.]
And so with Board of Your Life you'll see all your possibilities from all angles. You'll augment the knowledge you've excavated from your soul (by asking yourself those Big Questions) with information, plans and possibilities from the people who know you best, see you clearly, and can help you see your way into your thing.
Are you in? Intrigued? The Board of Your Life Kit debuts in ABOUT 14 days. If you'd like to know more about this kit and how to use it, let me know in the comments or sign-up below. I'll tell you all about my thing...so you can get started finding your thing.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Thing Finding Thursday with Chris Guillebeau
You know Chris Guillebeau, right? He's the founder of The Art of Non-Conformity and he's taking over the world...literally. His mission is "world domination" - but in the good way. In the "do what you love, make it happen, make life count, be good to others" way. He's devoted to building an empire of world-changers, and, along the way, travelling the world. Really travelling it. Like, he plans to visit every country on the map before he's 35.
And oh yes, he just had his first book - aptly called "The Art of Non-Conformity" - published.
That's a lot of living. That's serious living and there's no map for it. Chris Guillebeau has actually invented his thing...
...so how'd he know how to do that - and then have the confidence to do it?
I wanted to know and I thought you'd want to know too, so I asked him.
What's your thing?
Chris Guillebeau: Well, I don't have just one thing -- it's a chaotic blend of a few different passions. I love travel and have been on a quest to visit every country in the world for the past four years. I'm a writer and try to publish at least 1,000 words a day in one form or another. I'm an entrepreneur and have never had a job. I go on tour and meet with my readers all over the world, in at least twenty countries a year.
But when you put these things together, I came up with a theme of non-conformity, or helping people to think differently and live unconventional lives. This is my main project that I work on continually.
Was finding your thing the result of a divine revelation, an insane invention, a culmination of insights...or something else?
Chris Guillebeau: Probably "something else." I love divine revelation stories, but for most of us I think it's more of a series of steps. I always wanted to be a writer, but I didn't get serious about it until after I had lived overseas for a while and was turning thirty. I also began traveling quite a bit more then, and the two went together.
Another thing that's important to mention is that my work wasn't very good in the beginning. This isn't false modesty; it's the reality for almost everyone who pursues a career or even just a passion in some kind of creative work. That's why it's so important to keep going and continuously improve yourself. Perhaps the "insane invention" comes about after the 10,000 hours of refining oneself.
Obstacles/fears/doubts – what were they, how'd you vanquish them?
Chris Guillebeau: I still have many of them. I think the goal isn't so much to vanquish fear, because in some ways fear will always be with you. The goal is to find a way to channel those fears into something positive and motivating. I think a lot about regrets, and when you frame things in terms of looking back later, it becomes easier. Most of us regret the things we haven't done much more than the things we've done.
So I try to make myself jump even when I'm afraid or doubtful, in other words.
What questions did you ask yourself to trigger your a-ha moments...and what signs and milestones should others be looking for in their journeys?
Chris Guillebeau: What do I really want?
How can I make that happen?
What do I need to give up or sacrifice to receive what I really want?
How will my life impact others?
How can I encourage, inspire, or otherwise help others?
Who would I like to be? (What roles would I like to have?)
Is that all? (Usually there's more... I always push people to go further.)
Regarding signs and milestones, yes, I think it's important to have markers along the way where you can identify progress. For example, some might say "I'd like to publish a book one day." This is a great goal, but there are many signs and milestones en route to its culmination. A few would include finding an agent, writing a proposal, pitching to publishers, receiving an offer, completing draft #1, moving to the editing phase, and so on. The more specific you can make your goals, the better -- otherwise we tend to get overwhelmed or give up.
***
You know what I hear in all that wisdom Chris Guillebeau is throwing down? I hear that it's all incremental. I hear that you get better and better at what you do and clearer and clearer about who you are as you do it.
And that asking yourself what you really want to do - and answering it with action - is essential.
So let's start there: what do YOU really want to do?
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You can find Chris Guillebeau at his blog, The Art of Non-Conformity; on Twitter; or Facebook.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Thing Finding Thursday with Kelly Diels
Today's Thing Finding Thursday features a guest post by Kelly Diels.
Kelly Diels is writer/teacher/sex goddess/mama/Red Shoe Blogger who wants to talk about what happens when you already KNOW what your thing is...but are wildly intimidated. She's got a theory that lots of us actually know what we're here to do but shy away from it because it's not practical.
And the answer is not (entirely) Fie To Practicality! so much as "make it practical". Find ways to do your thing and tap-dance your way into meaning even if the orchestra (or economy!) isn't yet playing your song. The meaning isn't in the job title. It's in the doing.
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On (Almost) Losing My Suitcase and Finding My Purpose: A Metaphor
Prince George. As I step off the plane into the summer sunshine, I'm lit and light with anticipation. After two months apart, I'm about to spend a week with my loverloverman.
My week of wonder, however, is still a few hours away: I've got to get a shuttle to the bus station and then a bus to Smithers. But time with my man is closer than ever and that's all that's on my mind. It's everything that's on my mind. There's no need for dilly-dallying and dawdling in the airport, picking over magazines or picking up snacks and sustenance. No, I'm carrying everything I need in my laptop case, my purse, my hands, my heart. And so I head from the plane right through the airport, straight for the shuttle and step inside. I'm buoyant. Light. Travelling light.
I'm the first one in. What is taking everyone else so long?
They start trickling into the shuttle, sloooooooowly and inelegantly loading their bags and suitcases into the back, taking forever...Effing baggage. Let's go!
Oh wait. I'll be right back. That's what I exclaim to the shuttle driver as I leap out of my seat, out of the shuttle, and back into the airport.
For that one lonely suitcase rounding the carousel. My suitcase, the one I'd left behind in my enthusiasm to get where I was going...without my things.
Who leaves an airport without her luggage?
I almost did. And I'm not the only one. Airports and airlines have claim desks full of stray suitcases. People forget their things. If they thought about them, they'd know where they were, what they contained. Their things aren't lost, exactly. They just need to be claimed.
It was the same with My Thing. I'm a writer. I always knew I was a writer. From the age of eight I knew I could and would and should write essays, articles, books.
But I resisted being a writer because I read too much. I read Little Women: Jo scribbles in the attic and later lives in a single room in a rooming house. I read Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man and was not seduced by the existential anguish of an undiscovered genius. And then I read Down and Out in London and Paris wherein George Orwell decides he's a writer, lives in a bug-infested rented room and - when he's not working hellish hours in a hellish kitchen - sells his clothes to buy bread to survive another day.
True story. And not one I care to emulate. Attics and garrets, they grow tiresome. Poverty is not my thing...and so neither was writing for a living.
And so I always knew writing was My Thing but I chose to leave it behind. I walked out of the airport and into my life without my suitcase. Without My Thing.
And that was fine(ish). I went to university, I got great jobs, I did well, I made money, I worked in the city and lived in the suburbs, I lived well. Everything was ok.
From the outside. I got up, got my girls to daycare, went to work, did it well, picked up my girls, made dinner, put them to bed, watched TV...and wondered:
Is this it? Is this what I'm living for? To collect a paycheque to pay for daycare and cable?
And that wasn't it. That wasn't my thing and I knew it and I'd always known it. Because My Thing just wasn't practical. How would I make it a career? How would I make money?
And those are the wrong questions to start with.
When you're finding your thing, start with this:
What would I do for free? What do I do even though no one pays me?
The money and career questions (and answers and plans and plots and schemes) come later. Because Your Thing doesn't have to be a full-time job, a career or even make you money. Mother Theresa had a thing. I doubt it paid very well.
(My children pay even less and I'm in that gig for life.)
So put aside the practical questions and be truly, madly, deeply impractical: what do you need to do? What would you do for free?
And then do that. You don't have to quit your job. Just start doing your thing. You and your thing will find your way together.
If you claim it from the carousel (should I? Shouldn't I? Can I? Will I? And 'round and 'round...) and carry it with you on your journey.
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You can find Kelly Diels at her blog, Cleavage (about sex, money and meaning and writing through the lines that shape us); on Twitter (@kellydiels); or Facebook (Cleavage by Kelly Diels).
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.