Articles
Emotional Real Estate (and other unapologetically mixed housing metaphors)
Love knows, love grows, bigger than before. In your heart, there’s always more.
{That's not Hafiz. Those are words our 7-year old daughter sings with great gusto (from a Barbie movie, natch).}
Yes indeed. I believe in the heart’s infinite capacity for love.
I also believe in efficiency.
Capacity vs Room.
When clients present in session with uphill battles they’re facing, or difficult relationships they’re “managing” (ugh…do you HEAR the weight of that?), I’ll often ask them to consider the emotional real estate that’s being taken up with the current situation, as it is. You have only so much bandwidth to work within. How much space do you want this situation, this person, that conversation, that decision, this relationship to take up? Is it worth it?
Sometimes yes, sometimes no. And ever a good enquiry.
That’s talking about room. Not CAPACITY.
So let’s assume your heart is a home. ‘Cause, it kinda is. It houses your emotions and is your sanctuary when you remember to rest there. You do your best to keep it well-tended. It’s neat and tidy and yours. You are a gracious host and so you invite people in. After the soiree has ended, some guests feel entitled to stay in this loving place for longer. You, of course agree. It would be unkind otherwise.
At first, it’s most convivial. You enjoy the devotional acts of leaving mints on the pillow and making your guests breakfast. Sure, they can pick the movie tonight and don’t worry about using all the hot water. Over time, you start to feel a subtle, but mounting resentment to the space they’re taking up. You can’t walk into your living room without tripping over their bags. Is that MORE dirty laundry for you to do? Don’t they EVER wipe the counters down after they shave? And about that toilet seat…
Then you stop yourself for being unkind. You take a step back and think: no, it’s not the last beer that they drank or the fact that they tear out articles from your magazines. No…the problem is you. It’s your house. If it were BIGGER, then you’d be a more gracious host.
Maybe it’s time to put an addition out on the back of the house. Then there would be TONS of space for visitors and their bags.
Sure, it will cost a ton (money, resources, effort), but then there will be room enough for all? Right?
Hmm.
You have only so much room in your heart. Fact. AND, heart’s capacity knows no bounds. But your love can.
So by all means, throw open the doors. And them all in. Just be mindful of who gets to STAY.
Allow to stay those who give as freely as they receive.
Those who value your radiance; not simply your PVR.
Those who come bearing nourishing greens + sumptuous broths to feed your soul; not three beers from a 6-pack.
Those who make you want to laugh with the world; not at it.
Those who cherish your quirks; not deride you for them.
Those who see you for the infinite light that you are; not just your generosity and comfy couch.
Those who are worthy. Of the space that you are sharing.
Before you know it, your house will have filled well beyond the imagined constraints of any architects’ drawing. There, in every room will be more love, joy, and fulfillment than you thought possible. An effortless expansion with not a bead of sweat.
Exactly what your heart’s been yearning for, all along.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Thing Finding Thursday with Matthew Stillman of Stillman Says
“Where creativity and wisdom make out on top of your problem.”
Okay. That is some good, good copy. It’s not mine, it’s Matthew Stillman’s. You’ve heard of him…he’s the guy that hangs out in NYC’s Union Square and offers creative approaches to what people have been thinking about. You know…their PROBLEMS (so what if the word “problem” is taboo in the magical world of self-discovery).
“Stirring what is stagnant within you”
“The art of the reframe with the science of the wise”
Seriously. I can’t stop. It’s all just too good.
You should also know this from his site:
Matt conceived of, wrote the treatment for and co-produced a feature length documentary film about the origins of poverty and why it persists in a world with so much wealth. His film, called “The End of Poverty?” premiered at the Cannes Film Festival and was featured in over 40 festivals around the world. Matt has spoken at the United Nations about the film and poverty four times as well as many other educational and socio-political forums.
Currently Matt is developing a study to radically transform the property tax system in New York City.
Not just another guy “de-problemizing through high weirdness” in Union Square and a really green wall in his apartment. Nope, he's an original, to be sure. And a truly generous person.
So there was NO WAY I could continue talking to people about their things without talking to Matthew about his. And, of course, yours.
Interview with Matthew Stillman for Thing Finding Thursday
Look for the gaps, note the aversions, stay in some uncomfortable places, and play with the purpose of play.
Oh yes.
Tweetworthy StillmanSays-isms (for your sharing pleasure
You need to be willing to stay in some sort of uncomfortable spots and see what opens up there. @StillmanSays http://ow.ly/8PjhN #TFThurs
(When we’re young) our radiance goes out in 360 degrees. @StillmanSays to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8PjhN #TFThurs
(As we age, we feel loss b/c) we've lost access to three quarters of our being. @StillmanSays to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8PjhN #TFThurs
The game being infinite is more important than winning a particular game. @StillmanSays to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8PjhN #TFThurs
Be kind to yourself. You've done so much work already. @StillmanSays to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8PjhN #TFThurs
Transcript of edited interview (for your reading pleasure)
Matthew: Well, one of my things–the thing that people who are online probably know about me most–is my website, stillmansays.com. And that is an experiment that I've started which I've turned into a business, which is a report of my time spent sitting out in Union Square in New York City, where I live.
At Union Square, I sit with two folding chairs and a table, with a sign that says "Creative approaches to what you've been thinking about" and a smaller sign that says, "Pay what you like or take what you need." I sit out there for 10 hours a day or so, a couple of days a week, when the weather is appropriate, and just talk with strangers about anything at all that they need a creative approach to.
And it's been everything from as simple as "I need a name for my novel," or "I have a relationship problem," or "something going on with my business," to "I need help finding my spirit animal," or "I have a dispute with a neighbour," or "I need to find a new religion," or "I need help avoiding getting murdered." It could be anything at all, and I hopefully help people look at the situation they're in in a very creative way.
Matthew: And then, seeing it differently, it may be figured out. It might not be figured out. Or it might just be seen in its proper or different perspective, which allows you to have a different relationship with it. You know, so often we think that the only way to get into a house is through the front door; but sometimes it's the back door. Sometimes it's through a window. Sometimes you need to dig a hole underneath the house and crawl up through the floorboards.
Tanya: "De-problemizing through high weirdness," this is from your site, this is what you do–I was totally gob-smacked by the genius of that.
How do you go from the time, the opportunity, people say you're really good at de-problemizing through high weirdness, and then you just sort of say, "Yeah, you know what? Union Square: What it's really missing is a desk, and two chairs, and these two signs. And me!
Matthew: Well, I guess that's part of my charm, that I was willing to say, "This is the thing that's missing." I didn't know that it was going to turn into a blog or a years-long experiment. I thought I was going to just do it! But on the first day I went out there, it just worked. And it was very clear I could keep doing this.
Tanya: Right, right, okay. Your last post, or the most recent one that I read, is–I've forgotten the title now.
Matthew: The baby feet one and St. Anthony?
Tanya: The baby feet! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Matthew: It's a good one.
Tanya: I'm really in love with this idea of lost or forgotten voices, and in the realm of thing-finding, I really think that there's something magical and beautiful about listening for those lost or forgotten voices.
Matthew: When we are children, and when we're born, we are treasured by and large for all our qualities. People love us for our selfishness, they love us for our screaming. So all our voices, for a time, are available to us. And for lack of a better analogy, they go out in 360 degrees. Our radiance goes out in 360 degrees.
And after a certain amount of time, we're told by our parents, and our caretakers, and society, "You know, we love you, but it really would be helpful if you were a little less selfish, you shared more, you were quieter, you were–" and it's not done out of malice, it's done out of sort of getting you into a system which can really be useful. But we start to close down and put into a bag the other voices that we have, because they're not appreciated or heard. They're too different.
And so, I'm making up a number, but let's say you're 10, 12, 14, 16, 20–you have practice putting three quarters of yourself into a bag behind you, and we don't listen to those voices any more, because it makes our life too complex to listen to these other voices. And similarly, because we have to make so many choices every day, we streamline ourselves to say, "You know what? It's easiest if I just listen to these particular voices. I've got to get to particular outcomes faster." And because the world that we live in requires speed and efficiency, we move along with that, and say, "You know what? I'm just going to listen to the voices that are easiest, and get me to the place that I want to be and feel comfortable and safe in."
And then, we have cut ourselves off from three quarters of our being, because there is 90 degrees which is presentable and useful, and the rest of it is not appreciated. So that leaves us feeling, later in our lives, "Why do I feel vacant? Why do I feel closed off? Why do I feel like the same things are happening?" Because we've lost access to three quarters of our being.
Tanya: I've got a seven year old daughter, and she was super proud of an award she came home with, she was awarded in front of the whole school; it was an empathy award. And about a week later, I was talking with her teacher and he said, "It was great to see her so proud of that award. You know, she's a bit too sensitive, though."
Matthew: Ugh!
Matthew: Yeah. I mean, for me, the fact that he said that to a girl in particular. You know, more broadly speaking, so many women are essentially forced to harden themselves and to cast aside some of the core elements of their femininity early. And I've seen too many girls sacrificed on the altar of progress and forward movement and they lose all their softness, or enough of it that they just become something different.
Matthew: You just want to be able to open the door, to say, "Here's A voice." And see if—if you've been carrying around a bag with three quarters of your identity for thirty-plus years, it might be terrifying to look it there, because if you were dragged in a bag for thirty years, you'd be furious! So it is, often, scary to look at those voices. I might say, it's worth looking at the things that you have a very strong aversion to, and just see what your philosophies are about that, and see if that's a part that you have a need to tap into.
Tanya: Love love love that you've said that. I'm big on aversions in the work that I do, too, so thank you for highlighting that
Tanya: Do people ever show up and say, "Dude, what's my thing? Like, what's my thing?"
Matthew: Yeah. I think the most direct question I ever got for that, that I can recall at this moment, is someone who came to me and said, "I've just quit my religion and I need to find a new religion." So that's sort of, "What's my thing?"
But I think the thing of "finding your thing" is to not be afraid to lift every stone and to stay there. Because finding your thing is good, and important, but you're not just one thing. You are—it's more important for you to be whole than to find your thing. Because your thing might be really big.
As an infant, you take absolute delight in playing with your toes, and absolute delight with throwing food, and absolute delight with falling asleep, and hugging your parent's leg and hugging a fire hydrant are the same thing. So I wouldn't close the door to finding your thing, you just need to be willing to stay in some sort of uncomfortable spots and see what opens up there.
Tanya: There's a way in which we have this be very serious, where does curiosity and play factor in?
Matthew: In terms of play, there are two types of games that one can play. There's a finite game, and there's an infinite game.
Finite games are played to be won. They're played within fixed boundaries, and they're played for a title, they're bounded by time and location.
But if you've ever seen people who just love to play basketball, or if you see kids play basketball—they'll run off the court, the score ends up being 117 to 4, no one cares. They're playing for the sake of playing. It's more important to keep the game moving than anyone winning.
So in terms of play, I think it's very important to not be playing for title, or for winning, or for status, but to be playing for the sake of play. And there is where there is freedom. And in order to do that, you need curiosity. And it's important to people to know what the rules are, too. That's perfectly reasonable! But, ultimately, the game being infinite is more important than winning a particular game.
Tanya: And, through that, that's where we find our toes.
Tanya: For the people who are trying to find their things: What do you want for them?
Matthew: To forgive themselves for not having found it. To criticize themselves less for struggling. And to be kind, because they've done so much work already. I think those are probably the most important things to start with.
_______________
Compassion, wisdom, quirkiness, and a truly delightful human being.
Go find him and his incredible stories at StillmanSays.com and on Twitter.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Thing Finding Thursday with Jen Louden
Jen Louden. To know her is to love her. Without question.
To me, this woman is the sheer embodiment of Creative Joy (and River Deep? Oh YES). Truly.
{Deep sigh}.
Okay, so she’s that, she’s funny as funny can be (cf: The Giggle Reel), she’s hung out on Oprah’s couch, and oh, I don’t know, like, HELPED LAUNCH THE WHOLE SELF CARE MOVEMENT with her first book The Woman’s Comfort Book. Since then, she’s written five more books on well-being and personal wisdom that have inspired more than a million women in nine languages, like the classic The Woman's Retreat Book and her latest, The Life Organizer. She has been a national magazine columnist, radio show host on Sirius, the whole while with those brilliant baby blues shining bright and a grin that could stop a Mack truck going full speed. In fact, I'm sure it has.
She knows self-love + world-love = wholeness for all.
{Yet another deep sigh}.
So, she’s a woman WHO KNOWS THINGS….you know?
Intimately.
And she revealed a LOT in this interview in service of you finding YOUR thing. She talks about teaching your way to your thing, her incredible TeachNow program (of which I am enthusiastically participating in this time around), seducing your thing, loving and abandoning your thing (and how that’s juuuust fine) and all kinds of other richness. TRUST me.
And I confess, I had a helluva time editing this video down to under 10 minutes (the limit available for a YouTube video) so once you’ve enjoyed the interview, devoured the transcript, shared the tweets (as feels appropriate to you), please treat yourself to The Jen Louden + Tanya Geisler Giggle Reel (wherein I THINK she does Shiva Nata, shares a highly memorable moment on National TV and we yuck it up but good).
{Final sigh}
Interview with Jen Louden for Thing Finding Thursday
Good, right??
Tweetworthy Jen-isms (for your sharing pleasure)
You don't think you're ready to teach, but you discover what you know thru teaching. @JenLouden to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8GHZc #TFThurs
Don't let the heartbreak stop you from trying. @JenLouden to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8GHZc #TFThurs
It’s never about being done, or perfect. @JenLouden to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8GHZc #TFThurs
And if I try to stare too hard...or make it a brand or a tagline, it bites me in the ass + it dies. @JenLouden http://ow.ly/8GHZc #TFThurs
Finding your thing is an onion, a spiral, a dance, it's not a destination. @JenLouden to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8GHZc #TFThurs
Your thing may be what's flirting with you out of the corner of your eye. @JenLouden to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8GHZc #TFThurs
It's okay to find [your thing] + abandon it + find it + abandon it. @JenLouden to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8GHZc #TFThurs
Transcript of edited interview (for your reading pleasure)
Tanya: So, Jen Louden, what’s your thing?.
Jennifer: Can I read you something?
Tanya: Always.
Jennifer: I’m called to lead you into sun-drenched wholeness. I am called to paint a picture for you of you free from shackles and shame and blame and ill health. I’m called to mold a whole body YES to whatever life brings. And I’m called to help you find and live your creative heart’s desire in service to the world – in service to you and in service to the world. And I’m called to ask you to consider the whole of the world and all the beings as you live your heart’s desire.
I’m called to write stories that bring you home. Yeah, so anyway I wrote that and I want everybody listening to know that I have lived in the question of what’s my thing and everybody close to me will tell you with a lot of teeth grinding and a lot of angst, since my first book was published, probably before that was that book arose out of wondering what’s my thing and feeling like I was failing at the thing I wanted to do, which was write screenplays. So I think the most important thing I want to tell people listening is you decide what your thing is and it’s like something for me that flirts out of the corner of my eye. Right, it’s like, “Ooh, I see you, but do I really see you?” And if I try to stare too hard or bear down on it or make it a brand or a tagline, it bites me in the ass and it dies. And it’s something about this living relationship.
In yoga today my teacher said, “Be peace. You know, it’s a word; it’s a lovely word that we hear but be it now.”
And it was like, “Oh holy, yeah. That’s it. That’s what we need to do with this thing.” Finding it, living it.
What gets in my way is that I intellectualize it and I want to brand it and I want to be strategic about it. I’m not saying that’s wrong, but it’s like the cart can get in front of the horse. We have to keep coming back to being this thing that really is beyond words and taglines and brands and everything and trusting that.
Tanya: And I think that there’s something – I’ve talked to other people about gaps to be filled, I’ve talked to other people about itches that need to be scratched, but there’s something about this dancey, fluttery, whoop, what was that, it’s gone.
Jennifer: And seducing it, right? Seducing that desire.
Jennifer: So I was on retreat with my brain trust … and one of my dear friends, Eric Klein who’s a 30 year ordained spiritual teacher, incredibly successful consultant in business and best selling author, I was watching him this whole retreat having a hard time really claiming his chops as a teacher.
Tanya: Yep.
Jennifer: In a very deep way. And I thought, “I want to help people who want to teach.” That’s how our ideas start, right? They start as this little thing that we see a need in the world or a need in ourselves. All of my books have come from a need in myself, most of my blog posts do. And then I started talking to my friend Michelle Lisenbury Christianson because I love to collaborate with people, I like to do serial collaborations. And we started talking about our own journeys as teachers and how much shame and suffering we had because we were both called to teach in our 20s. My first became a word of mouth bestseller and people saw me on TV and they were like calling me up, “You want to come talk at our hospital?” Or, “Hey, do you do workshops?”
But here’s the important thing everybody, here’s the important thing about finding your thing through teaching. You don’t think you’re ready to teach, but you discover what you know through teaching. And if you set it up in a way that it’s safe for you and that you can collect what you’re learning, you can record it, you can grow so much faster into seeing, “What is it about my thing that I love? What is it about it that I don’t love? What is it that I want to learn more about?” But it’s never about being done or perfect.
You will never know everything you need to know to teach what you want to teach and hence that is what is so maddening for people and so tenderizing about teaching. Things will always arise that you can’t answer and the stronger that you take your seat as a teacher the more able you are to meet people there and be curious with them and be a student teacher. And there are a number of the master teacher interviews, there’s like 34 and we’re always adding more master teacher interviews. And Sherry Huber, the zen meditation teacher is one of them and she talks about being a student teacher and being asked to teach and having her knees literally shaking and she’s still terrified, like 35 years later.
Tanya: Right.
Jennifer: So to me the greatest gift of TeachNow and probably the greatest gift of a lot of my work is kind of being willing to pull the curtain back and say, “This is what’s really going on in this moment right now.”
Tanya: Love it. Okay, so you said that your family, your friends witnessed this whole process. It’s been quite amazing to watch it. Even at the top of the call you were saying you don’t really coach anymore. So as your own identity has been morphing and your things have been sort of shifting like a beautiful home that’s sort of settling into itself in a way, you know? What have been some questions that you’ve been asking yourself?
Jennifer: Well, first I have to tell you that my word for the year is home so it’s really lovely that you said that. And I don’t mean home like staying home, I mean like building a new way of being, inhabiting the space of that deep rootedness and self trust, so nice little synchronicity there. The benchmarks are, for me, first to notice where I’m feeling out of alignment or like I’m faking it. That faking is a huge benchmark for me, and then I’ve had to learn, God, over and over and over again, “Oh, that doesn’t mean I’m doing the wrong work. It means I have a story about how I should be doing the work.”
Tanya: Yes.
Jennifer: Huge, huge, oops, still learning it, still learning it. And then looking back at whatever I’ve done and there’s a lot of it and going, “Oh, holy shit, that was really of use to people but I wasn’t getting fed because my story was ‘that’s not what I’m supposed to be doing.’”
Tanya: Right, right.
Jennifer: So there’s so much discernment here and I think it’s so important if there’s one message that I have for people is that you don’t think that there is an arrival place or a done or that if you get there, you will know it because it will be delightful, light, and easy all the time, right? Because you’re still you, even when you’re doing your thing you’re still you. And so as you can tell, a little goofy, a little intense, and a little bit of an over provider so those things are always going to be, but as I spiral around I tend to loosen them up a little better; I can get some distance.
Tanya: And again, that’s where the home piece comes in it seems like for you. So within the context of all of these disparate things that just make you so alive and so Jen Louden, yea! Finding the piece and the homeness in there.
Jennifer: Yes, perfect, thank you. That’s why you’re such a great coach.
Tanya: Oh, thank you, thank you. Is there anything else that people who are watching?
Jennifer: There are a couple of things. One is that it’s okay if you found it in and abandoned it and found it and abandoned it and found it and abandoned it.
And we can be ashamed that we’ve given up and we’re here again, or we can celebrate and get support.
Tanya: No honestly and truly, you’re so like, “That’s it.” And the idea of this being a dance, I’m sort of like, “Is it fitting now? Not so much, I’m going to try this. Is it fitting now? Oh, a little more, if I just had a little more of this, add a little more shimmy shimmy shake.” I absolutely love that and it’s okay to abandon and revisit and abandon and revisit. Do you know how expansive that is?
Jennifer: Sometimes the things that you most care about are the things that you’re most afraid of, so you may know very well what your thing is and you may know that you may not be able to bring it to life the way that you want and that may break your heart, but don’t let that heartbreak stop you from trying. I’m not going to be able to write the great American novel. You may never read what I write, or maybe I will. But if I put my hat on that as living my thing, then I’m screwed right out of the gate. And instead I say my job is to show up and how can I show up all of myself and how can I keep learning and how can I be curious and how can I really try to tell a story that does what I want it to do, which is bring wholeness and make you think and make you, well lots of other things. That’s all I can do.
Annnnnnnd...The Giggle Reel
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Thank you
I often forget to say it, hoping that my daily practice of gratitude captures it all. Yet I know that it doesn’t.
So thank you.
For being here when you could be somewhere else. Somewhere fancier. Somewhere smarter. Somewhere more elegant. Somewhere more hilarious. Somewhere hipper.
Oh yes, I have those thoughts.
And yet, you are here.
Thank you for reading my words.
Thank you for sharing your comments, sharing your dreams, sharing your goals, sharing your gifts.
Thank you for sharing my words with your "likes", "tweets" and "recommends".
Thank you for being patient, receptive, warm and loving as I grow and stretch and retreat and grow some more.
Thank you for asking me for what you need from me (please don’t ever stop…) It means we’re in relationship.
And for that, I am truly grateful.
Love,
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Big Leaps and Water Dragons
We all have dreams. Luxe dreams. Travel dreams. Book dreams. Stage dreams. Restaurant dreams. Peace dreams. Adventure dreams. Love dreams. Foo Fighter dreams. Freedom dreams. NYC dreams. Heal the world dreams. Glossy magazine dreams. Circumnavigating the globe on your own at 16 dreams. Yup. We all have them. They may look different, but they all come from the same place. The heart.
And I happen to have it on good authority (aka Twitter) that 2012 - The Year of the Water Dragon - will be a good year for dreams coming to life.
Cool.
While I don’t doubt the power and tenacity of a Dragon (really, that would be a foolish thing to do), let’s consider giving the Dragon a hand and getting our dreams off the ground, shall we?
Loving the leaps.
1. Get clear on what you want to do.And why. Because a “what” without a “why” is a “just because” or a “should”. And just becauses and shoulds won’t get you where you want to go. Fact.
My friend and the artiste behind the savvy + sa-weet design that is my site, Amanda Farough, got over her just becauses and shoulds and to mark the occasion, has just launched HER gorgeous new space. Get on her list (after you’ve taken the tour and drank in her sassy pants post of bigness) for 10 weeks (YUP!) of giveaways. You may win a Clarity Session with me.
2.Know that fear will want to hold you back and keep you small. That’s its one and only job. Review #1 and then answer this question from my friend Tara Sophia Mohr: Are you being more loyal to your fears, or to your dreams? (Registration for Tara’s Playing Big closes Jan 24th at midnight. If you’re keen on amplifying your impact, claiming your place and taming those fears, this may well be the journey for you.)
3.Keep it open, keep it expanded. Shenee Howard is launching Hot Brand Action today…a direct result of stepping into her starring role as writer and teacher. Hell’s YES. Watch the ground come up to meet her in the most glorious way.
4. Get support. Tell your friends, hire a coach (ahem), find a mentor. They’ll bolster you when you need it, keep your intentions set to “shine”. They want you to knock it out of the park. We all do, in fact. Count on it and welcome it in with heart and arms wide open.
5. Launch. Just like that.
C’mon now. Don’t leave it all in the talons of the Water Dragon. Make it happen for your own fine self in 2012.
XO
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Thing Finding Thursday with Sabrina Ali
©Imaging by Marlis 2011 Vancouver, BC
When Sabrina Ali first reached out to me via Kelly Diels, she said: "My 'thing' is resumes". I'll 'fess up: since I left my corporate gig in 2006, I haven't thought much about resumes (with the exception of including one in my own business plan). Those dreary under two-paged, Times New Roman, 1.5 line spaced, centred contact info ("make sure you don't have a partygrrrl69@ email address") documents that seem to breathe "meh, this is good enough". SO. BEIGE. So, given that this delightful young woman came to me through Kelly (and I've only met incredible, anything-but-beige stars through her), I imagined that Sabrina would offer my readers some fabulous tips about sassing up their resumes. And that that would be good.
Between the months that have elapsed since that request and this posting, it's truly blissful to see Sabrina claim her REAL thing: uncovering vocation.
Boo Yah.
So please, dig into this wise young woman's delicious words. And see what covers start to peel back for you.
What's your thing?
Sabrina Ali: Here’s “the” thing first:
The simplest thing that you do is your gift to the world. You need no thanks because it’s a pleasure just to be able to do it. And you can absolutely create a life out of doing this seemingly simple thing because you do it uncommonly well.
The dilemma?
Not everyone knows how to express, name or talk about the meaningful thing they do with specificity. It’s under a lot of clutter.
So my thing? Where do I come in?
I uncover vocation. I help articulate enthusiasm (with my compassionate investigative querying nature) and facilitate the design of strategies to create vocation-centred living. It’s all concrete; it’s all marketable and totally professional.
I’ve personally been working with people on creating vocation-centred lives my entire life. I was designed this way. Over the last eight years alone I’ve worked in career transition coaching, self-development facilitation, career and education advisement, and employee engagement roles.
It’s (like seriously long over-due) time to re-imagine our concept of work. Work is not just about a means to an end, it’s about creating a life that integrates all parts of you.
Was finding your thing the result of a divine revelation, an insane invention, a culmination of insights...or something else?
Sabrina Ali: Finding my thing was all of the above and something else (as you say). It was a matter of putting all the clues together:
A culmination of insights: I used to be a career workshop junkie. If someone was holding one, having one, giving one then I was there. They were fun to me. Some were better than others and whether I was looking for a job or not, I went. At some point, I started to offer my insights to the other participants. At some point, I started to become the teacher. Who me?!?
A divine revelation: I used to drop everything, clear everything in my schedule, move my schedule around, and even create a schedule around helping people with their career and education strategies. I just couldn’t help myself. And I especially loved the results - phone calls, emails, or coffee and dinner dates with people to celebrate job and school program offers. People were feeling “on their path,” they were making more money, feeling happier. Hearing this news was the equivalent of ... well, I’m almost embarrassed to say, but it was like having really great sex. Every. Single. Time.
The revelation: My enthusiasm is a force to be reckoned with. And so is everyone else’s. And I define this particular enthusiasm as: Clarity of purpose in total alignment with intention - where being and the task are one.
My insane invention: I have an insane invention being invented right now! I’m in the midst of creating the ultimate self-guided digital vocation exploration kit. It’s called the Bliss Kit and it’s for fellow heroes and heroines who yearn for self-discovery; who want to create careers and lives with a sense of energy-giving purpose. This is the quintessential collection of career and self exploration tools to assist people on their journey. It’s due out in March.
Something else: I’ll call it listening to the signals of life. Reflection, curiousity and intention are the ingredients. I would have been blind to the clues lying around me if not for the act of reflection and the power of being in a state of curiosity. The wisdom is not hard to find, but you don’t know what you’re looking for or looking at without intention. With intention it’s like looking for Easter eggs that were hidden by someone that wanted you to find them.
Obstacles/fears/doubts – what were they, how'd you vanquish them??
Sabrina Ali: These words have come to mean: The gifts that I couldn’t have in the moment that I’d never want to be without.
It’s human to experience obstacles, fears and doubts.
It is divine to transform them into something that serves your life. And we always at any moment have access to that possibility.
Obstacles: Not enough money. Not enough love. Not enough acceptance. Not enough credentials. Not enough time. It all boiled down to externally referencing myself towards other people’s ideas of success rather than defining my own based on how I wanted to feel in my own life.
Fears: That I’m generally an inadequate human being. That I have helped all the people that I can and now there’s no one else to help. That I can’t write. All stories that I inherited and contrary to the actual evidence showing up in my life.
Doubts: That what I’m doing (whatever plan, strategy, idea) won’t work. The antidote? Listen to life instead – what people are asking me for, thanking me for, admiring about me without any prompting whatsoever from me. Where is the love coming from and what is it saying?
My vanquishing (love that word btw) strategy: Tiny. Baby steps. And often (momentum is a friendly force).
A nurturing strategy that encounters the doubts, obstacles and fears was key. For example, I have worked with gifted coaches, a Jungian counsellor that I really connected with, energy healers and did yoga over the last 4-5 years. These partnerships helped move me through my stages faster and I’m thankful that I made those investments in myself. I am in a supportive relationship where I grow into more of who I am and I also adopted a dog. I speak kindly to myself. I even did a couple of online writing courses for the sheer pleasure of learning (nothing with grades). I write every day.
If you love yourself and allow yourself to be loved, fear, doubts and obstacles start to look like opportunities for evolution. If they can get you just sick and tired enough of maintaining life ‘as is’, they are your friends. Trust me.
What questions did you ask yourself to trigger your a-ha moments...and what signs and milestones should others be looking for in their journeys?
Sabrina Ali: When I feel the “crunch” of existing – exasperated, frustrated, pointlessness, listlessness, rather than asking: “Why is this happening to me?” I ask: “What is this experience here to teach me?” Not in a punitive way, but rather in a compassionate way to help me evolve my capacity to be in the world and to live with more joy than fear.
Pain is sometimes very subtle and sometimes it’s loud and clear. Either way, it is a sign that something is unresolved. We were taught to avoid pain, but the bridge to joy lies in turning towards it.
It’s the foundation of why an entire work history can be transformed from a burden to an expression of enthusiasm. It processes and grieves things that we blame ourselves or others for. It allows for alchemy of experiences from pain to purpose, useless into ‘full of use.’
With this question alone I started to witness patterns that limited me that I had been unaware of. This is freedom. Freedom to choose rather than letting an unconscious pattern keep you feeling estranged from your one wild and precious life.
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Sabrina Ali is totally honoured to have her "thing" exposed by Tanya Geisler. :) She's a Vocation Strategist and the Creator of www.makebelieveforreal.com. Sabrina says: Work is a pilgrimage of identity, a partnership of your heart and head, and what you are called to do for work is sacred.
You can also find her on Twitter.
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Tweetworthy Sabrina Ali (for your sharing pleasure)
Finding your thing is about putting the clues together. @thewitchofbliss to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8yT5k #TFThurs
enthusiasm = clarity of purpose in total alignment with intention - @thewitchofbliss to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8yT5k #TFThurs
It's divine to transform fears + doubts into s.t. that serves yur life. @thewitchofbliss to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8yT5k #TFThurs
In facing doubts, ask yurself: Where is the love coming from + what's it saying? @thewitchofbliss to @TanyaGeisler http://ow.ly/8yT5k #TFThurs
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In upcoming Thing Finding Thursdays, I'll be sharing interviews with the paragon of Creative Joy herself Jennifer Louden, Matthew Stillman ("deproblemizing through High Weirdness <--LOVE) and more, MORE, MORE!!
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