Articles
The Sin of (Out)Shining
Will you hate me if I tell you I own two pairs of Christian Louboutin shoes? Will you like me more if I tell you that each time I bought a pair I worried that I couldn’t afford them?
Would you keep reading if you thought I was wearing a size 2 Marc Jacobs dress as I type this? Or would I be more likeable if it were a size 12 dress from J.Crew? Or what if I told you that I’m writing this in my nightie and slippers at my home computer with my hair in a ratty ponytail? – Sarah Hampson
Umm…whoa. I know that place. You know it too, right?
I want to share with you the radiant, shiny joy that I feel in my life, but I don’t want to make you feel badly that you may not have what I have, so let me show you all the ways I or my life has sucked. Let me open up the kimono on my finances. Let me tell you about my weight struggles. Let me tell you about the dark places in my marriage. So we’ll both feel better.*
That there is a slippery slope, my friends. One of many set up by the Imposter Complex.
Oh, I get it. We ALLLLLL get it.
Underneath the behaviour of shrouding my joy is fear. That you will walk away. That you will “unfriend” me. That I will be alone.
I know you know this too.
Maybe because it actually happened to you. You committed, as Gay Hendricks calls it, the crime of outshining…unwittingly. You were in favour with people and then suddenly, the ground fell away beneath you. Maybe you garnered attention from someone important, or won an award, or wore the newest style before anyone else, or were simply too happy, smart, or sporty. Then your friends started to pull away. Maybe they became unkind. Maybe you were cut off.
Yup. I get it, because I was.
Listen, the Mama in me wants to tell you what your Mama told you when you were a kid:: they were never your true friends.
That’s a fact.
Still, that didn’t ease the sting, did it?
And that crap happened to you when you didn’t even DO anything, right? You were just being sporty, being smart, being happy. Being you. Glorious, wonderful you. And being wonderful became a dangerous place. So you shrouded.
Just as we are terrified of having our shadow places exposed (our worries, flaws, fears, faults) so too are we terrified of having our light exposed (our joys, our shine). And so we shroud. And then we shroud some more.
God forbid we own, appreciate or, CELEBRATE that which is going well in our lives and in our work. Our own natural wonderfulness (and oh, Honey? You are so wonderful). Add that layer called CELEBRATION and then we’ve moved beyond what Hendricks called a crime and have moved well into the land of sin.
The sin of (out)shining.
And it’s veritable minefield of labels, sticks and stones. But let’s explore anyways, shall we?
Yeah. Your Mama was right. Those kids in grade school were shits (my words, her thoughts). They weren’t worthy of you or your smarty, happy, sporty self. Your YOUness. You’re savvy enough to see NOW that their unkindness was a product of their own insecurities, worries and deep fears of being alone too. It’s a troublesome spiral, to be sure. And we can circle back and find compassion and empathy and kindness for their souls (and maybe even forgiveness) at any moment, at any time, always and forever, but for the moment, let’s be here with you. With the impact of their taunts and shunning.
Oof.
Take their words, their behaviours, and their labels. Take every little (and big) piece of hurt that you’ve been carrying since grade school, or since that meeting in the boardroom, or since that Facebook comment on your status. Every last word that has haunted you. Write them all down. On one piece of paper. Write as small as you need to get it all in. And do get it all in. Every teensy assertion intended to diminish your light.
And then? Take that paper and light a match to it. Let it go. Watch as the untruths burn and curl in on themselves, ashamed for their part. Give over the hurt, the pain and the sadness. Give over that which never served. Because it NEVER served.
Let it go. Let it go. Let it go.
Onward.
Here’s the stone cold soul truth from my girl Hannah:: You glowing lights other people up.
Ah, yes.
Not everyone, mind you, but YOUR people.
So gather them up. Find your flock with whom you can preen each others beautiful feathers. Find the fiery witnesses to your love, to your joy and to your pain. They’re here, they’re there, they’re everywhere and they are looking for you too.
Stay open and available to their grace.
And then what do we do?
We need to trust ourselves. We need to trust each other. – Justine Musk
Let’s trust ourselves.
Let’s trust our purpose here. We are not accidents. We are divinely intended.
Let’s trust that we are integral to the choir. And that our voices need to be heard so that others can sing along. Let’s trust that our essence, our art, our heart, our soul is required.
Then, let’s trust each other.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ― Marianne Williamson
Trust that you will not diminish me with your success. Nor will I diminish you with mine.
Trust that I can hold your joy and your sorrow and your ecstasy and everything in between.
Let’s trust each other with our humanness. Let’s trust that we will fall. We will stand back up. We will stumble. We will cry. We will bleed. We will create. We will dance. We will be it all and we will be nothing. Together.
And finally, let’s sin together. Let’s shine together.
State your joy. Full stop. No qualifiers, descriptors or shrouding allowed. We don’t do that anymore. Allow me to state my joy. Full stop.
Authenticity is authenticity. It’s not the light with qualifiers and conditions. It’s not the shadow with qualifiers and conditions.
It.just.IS.
Your shining makes me shine brighter. Your success is my inspiration. I will trust that the same is true for you.
Sin with me. Shine with me. Brightly and beautifully. A million points of light.
* {Can you hear the inherent arrogance in there? Like somehow YOUR happiness is related to MY happiness?} This post isn’t about that…but ultimately it is. More to be explored.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
YUM + YAY Goodness
The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.
– Oprah Winfrey
When I spoke at TEDx Women last fall, I mentioned my “YAY” folder as a powerful tool in bolstering my sense of authority and beating back my Impostor Complex, as needed. I was surprised to discover that of all that I shared in that talk, it was THAT FOLDER that people were most curious about.
I shouldn’t have been surprised.
We have a complicated relationship with celebrating ourselves. {I think that’s about as mildly as I could have put that}. Quite simply put, we don’t. Or we do, but in a way that is a “should” rather than from a place of pure YESness.
The reasons are varied and wide.
We don’t want to be egotistical. We don’t think we’ve done anything super great. Yet. And so on…
But I want you to lean in for this one. Whether you’re fearful of the social costs of tooting your own horn or that you haven’t done enough (yet) doesn’t change this fact::
It’s an illusion that you are keeping all of that brilliance to yourself.
We can see it. And we want you to see what WE see. Because it is just.so.gorgeous.
So let us.
Subscribe here to receive YUM + YAY Goodness
It will guide you through the process of creating your own YUM + YAY folder, like the gorgeous ones here created by Step into Your Starring Role participants as we bolstered our Authority Thesis (a seriously integral step in moving towards your Starring Role.)
(Don’t they just make you sit taller?)
You’ve got mountains to climb, books to write and stages to take. Gathering evidence of all that you’ve done and all that you can do is just good process. Dive in.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Success + Greenwich Village
I love me a good celebration and I’m thrilled to be celebrating the release of The Declaration of You, the lovechild of my beloved Michelle Ward and Jessica Swift. The book itself is a playful (and powerful) permission slip for readers to discover how they and their gifts are unique and uncover what they are meant to do. To celebrate, Mish and Jess have invited me (and 100 other creative bloggers) to take part of their The Declaration of You’s BlogLovin’ Tour. We’re weighing in on enthusiasm, uniquity, intention, self-care, success, money, celebration, and trust. Learn more by clicking here.
***
Lots of years ago, my now husband and I spent a fabulous weekend in NYC.
Martinis at the Paramount, reubens at Carnegie Deli, a Broadway Show (Bring in 'da Noise, Bring in 'da Funk), shopping at Century 21, Rock Centre and so on. An almost perfect weekend.
“Almost” because we missed hanging out in Greenwich Village.
Armed with a Mapquest print-out of Manhattan (uh huh, LOTS of years ago) we walked a route that looked (on paper) like we were in the heart of the action. We weren’t. The streets were quiet, the warehouses were black. It was a Sunday night, but still…given that this was purportedly the city that never sleeps, we were a little confused. Turns out, we were walking a street or two parallel to the Village. We figured it out eventually and wound our way to the tip of the Village, found a perfectly lovely place with outstanding reggae and ordered two Red Stripes, but we were tired and disappointed and beat a hasty retreat back to our hotel for our early flight home the next morning.
So, it was almost perfect. Like, 80% perfect...maybe 70%. 100% would have meant all landmarks were visited ‘n checked off the list.
It’s an expression we’ve oft used since then. “Feeling like you’re ‘Greenwich Village-ing”” has become synonymous with the feeling that you’re JUUUUUUST this side of something wonderful…like, say, success.
Ever felt like that? That your success is just a street or two over and you can’t quite figure out how to get there? Like you’re missing out?
Yeah. That.
Here’s where we went wrong.
1) Our definition of success in that instance was clear, but limited and narrow. “Hang out in Greenwich Village”. Nothing else would do. No room for error, no space for magic. Greenwich or bust. (We busted). Oh, the wonder of specificity.
Had our definition been a little more expansive, to include how we wanted the overall experience to FEEL, it might have looked more like “explore new parts of the city we may never see again in the hopes that we wind up in Greenwich, laugh and have fun being together and wind up somewhere, anywhere, listening to good music”. And yeah, we would have ACED that trip with 100%.
2) We had a story made up about success. And, to be honest, we didn’t really know what the story was. We had an unrealistic expectation of the splendours of Greenwich Village and once we got there, FINALLY got there, there’s no way it could have matched what we built up.
La grande métaphore du vie, non?
3) We didn’t set ourselves up for success. Given how attached we were to conquering the list, there are about 100 ways we could have made sure we got.it.right. We might have checked with the concierge before we headed out for Greenwich, or hired a driver, or (gasp) asked someone, or…
But that’s just not how we roll(ed).
And of course…
4) We were too attached to the one outcome. And we let our disappointment win. We allowed our perfect score of 100% to whittle down to 70% because of a cartographical misread. Madness, right? But here I am, close to 20 years later, telling you about the time we missed Greenwich Village. Boo. (And, really. First world problems much? Yeesh.)
So it's true. Your success IS just around the corner. Two streets away, max. You can feel its vibe. So, how do you get there, quickly?
Learn from me, will you?
Define success for yourself. On your terms. But be discerning:: define it too narrowly and you may miss the honey of life. Define it too broadly and you may not have enough to actualize.
Get your success story in order.
Once you know what it looks like for you, set yourself up. Knowing how YOU roll is tantamount to success. Map it out. Get the support you need.
Try not to be too attached to ONE outcome. Leave room for the dessert of serendipity.
Appreciate what you have. Feel the privilege of your life as you sip your Red Stripe and listen to fabulous music with your one true love. Yeah.
And while we’re looking at success...
As you take a good and long look at how you define success, notice if a belief about it needing to be "hard" creeps in there. If you see:: hard = important. (This may show up in discounting your success if it has come too easily.)
OR notice if you have a belief that it MUST be easy. If you see:: easy = destiny. (This may show up if you often decide to abandon ship if things get too hard, meaning it "wasn't meant to be".)
Oooo, right?
Challenge both. Either way, call yourself out and face it. Success loves clarity.
+++++++
So back to NYC. Here’s what we did right::
We learned from it.
We made it back to NYC this February. I was co-leading the Golden Ticket event with my girl Michelle Ward and brought my family. Our definition of success for this trip? See lots and have fun. This picture was taken after a day and a half of seeing the sights.
Guess where it was taken? Yup. Greenwich Village.
A final word about success.
While I clearly don’t prescribe looking to others to help you define success, I’ll make an exception for Emerson. This seems like a pretty worthy pursuit::
"To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - this is to have succeeded."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Because
I kissed my daughter's forehead.
She slept through the love.
Oblivious to the prayers hopes dreams,
I sent up with the pursing of my lips, the intent of my heart.
I can't help but wonder how many silent blessings have been released,
like floating lanterns of love.
Millions + billions, I suppose.
And look, here's another, expressed on the breast of this dawn.
Mine.
For you.
Because.
Bill got up to pee
Many years ago, we hung out in the bar that I had worked at throughout university. It was a crossroads kinda place in a crossroads kinda location at a crossroads kinda time of my life.
Once or twice a week, we’d convene with a delightfully motley crew of musicians, grad students, bartenders, interns, and executives. We’d sling back pitchers of beer (or spritzers in my case), suck on saucy chicken wings and debate “–isms” or the Canadian music scene.
If it happened to be on a “school” night, my now-husband Greg and I would agree ahead of time that THIS time, we’d leave by midnight.
And then 12 would come faster than we’d hoped and someone would ask the seminal question::
Another round?
One of our friends, let’s call him Bill, would witness the silent debate passing between Greg’s and my eyes.
But we have so far to go home. Just one more. No, we have to get up early to go to work. I can't handle that place on no sleep. Well, maybe just a cigarette more. I don't know...
Guys, Bill would say. I get up at 4 o’clock. Stay for one more round.
And begrudgingly (but in truth? gleefully) we would stay. And the next week. And the next week and then the week after that.
Until finally, Greg (or I…too many spritzers to recall) asked Bill the Music Exec why he needed to get up so early.
I get up to pee at 4, then I go back to bed.
{I'm pretty sure we toasted his cleverness with another round of drinks and wings.}
Point is...
We hear what we want to hear, my friends. We hear what we want to hear.
And
People tell us what we want to hear.
I believe it's called marketing.
Learning the whole story, doing the due diligence rests with us. If we choose to, that is.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Unclenching boundaries
There’s a lot of talk in the entrepreneurial ethers about what to do when people ask you for advice, or “to pick your brain”, from the position that these requests are a mild nuisance at best and inconsiderate at worst. It’s an interesting discussion and there are plenty of useful scripts being shared if this is a big issue for you and your business. In my business and in my life, I don’t see it as an issue.
I am a firm proponent of boundaries. I am also a firm proponent of asking for help.
The two are NOT mutually exclusive.
The wonderful thing about boundaries is that they actually create spaciousness and cohesion. My husband and I recently walked through a busy park that had at least six baseball diamonds filled with earnest kids and hollering parents. In the far corner of the park was a massive fenced-in area for dogs to tear around, sniff butts and roll around in the dandelion fluff with unbridled joy. Awesome to behold. Had there not been that dedicated space, there would have been some serious clash of species. Balls and mayhem, ahoy.
Good fences make good neighbours. - Robert Frost
And the wonderful thing about asking for help is that you often get what you need. Funny that.
I know myself that I wouldn’t be where I am today without having asked for help, requesting coffee dates, and in the early days, I may have even uttered the verboten words:: can I pick your brain?
Shun me, shuck me, burn me at the stake.
And, I totally get why this feels hot ‘n bothered right now. It feels like we have less time to meet the needs of our clients, family, friends and colleagues without taking on additional appointments/correspondence with people we don’t know. (I suspect we could find more time in the day if we spent a little less of it in the aforementioned ethers, but I digress).
As much as I believe that we all deeply desire to help each other and to see one another succeed, I have CERTAINLY heard myself from time to time saying: I’m sorry, I’m not available to meet with you for lunch. What is the specific question that you have? I’ll be happy to address it in an upcoming TGtv in case others are curious about my take on it too.
It’s not perfect, but I highly recommend that for you too. If there’s a question that you get often, you may consider writing about it. Create a product, program, post, class if it feels aligned + good and direct people there. (And if you’re the one asking for someone’s time and attention PLEASE MAKE SURE that you have invested YOUR time and attention already on resources they have created for just.this.very.reason). If you want to ask Kate Swoboda for the blueprint to creating a sustainable coaching practice, for instance, I reckon that it would prudent to get your hands on The Coaching Blueprint.
Now…that said (discernment rests in contradictions), the argument is oft-made that if people ask you for the very thing you sell, as in your time, advice, wisdom, then they aren’t valuing you. Could be. AND can we also hold space for the possibility that it’s not quite so nefarious? That wanting to meet you for a coffee has more to do with wanting to connect at a heart level than wanting to rip you off?
And I also wonder…
Is it possible that this isn’t actually a PROBLEM and that all of this brow-wiping breathlessness is more of a badge of busy-ness than anything else?
In my business and in my life, I don’t see it as an issue. If ever it’s felt like a problem, then it’s only ever been a champagne problem. I am doing something right. People are noticing. And they want some of what I have. Case closed.
We all know that asks are energetic exchanges…it must feel right for both sides of the transaction. We all need to find our own way into this.
And now, a personal request...
If you are feeling inundated with asks, before locking into the “no” position, will you please pause in gratitude for the honour of the request? Will you please pause in celebration for the good work you’ve done to get here? Will you please pause in appreciation of those who gave you their time, energy and attention when you were first starting out? Will you please check your gut and check your schedule? And will you THEN proceed accordingly?
No’s are often required…and that’s completely cool. But I fear the world my daughter will walk in if we are too pinched, gripped, clenched and clamped to consider sharing our abundance of attention, wisdom, gifts and even, yes, time.
Aspire to be useful. Aspire to be generous. Aspire to be kind.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.