Articles
Will they show up? On dolphins, readers, and guests
We stepped onto the “Osprey” at 7:30am. It was a glorified dinghy, more inflatable parts than metal. It seated 24. Captain Rick had two rules for us: 1) No barfing on the boat. The Atlantic Ocean would be no farther than 4 feet away from us at any time, so there would be no excuse not to make it. 2) Don’t expect the dolphins. They are wild creatures who do their own thing.
Neither rule was particularly encouraging, nor surprising.
The combo of rolling 8 foot waves + basically motorized rafts may cause seasickness.
And
Wild dolphins are on their own timetable and this ain’t Sea World, honey.
There were no guarantees that they’d show up. Whether we’re talking about dolphins, readers, party guests or program participants. They are all wild creatures who do their own thing. There are no guarantees, ever.
And yet…
Show up anyways
There’s a good chance that they will show up. What will be there to meet them when they do?
Want readers for your words? Write them. Want guests? Send the invitations. Want people to eat your cupcakes? Bake them. Want to see dolphins? Get on the boat.
If you want to write, plant your backside in front of the typewriter. Don’t get up from the chair, no matter how many brilliantly-plausible reasons your Resistance-churning brain presents to you. Sooner or later your fingers will settle onto the keys. Not long after that, I promise, the goddess will slip invisibly but powerfully into the room.
That’s the trick. There’s nothing more to it. – Steve Pressfield
Show up. Show up. Show up.
Create desirable conditions
Dolphins eat and play early in the day. So we opted for the 7:30 tour over the 11:30 tour even though it meant we had to get up at 5:15 to do so. AND dolphins have ultra sensitive hearing, which is why we opted for the barf-o-matic “Osprey” rather than a mega-horsepowered, eardrum-splitting behemoth.
If you want them to show up, you need to not only show up but also meet them halfway, under desirable conditions.
Write what you love, to be sure, and care about what lights up your readers. Make it easy for your guests to say yes to your shindig. Bake with abandon, but create concoctions that will appeal to their palates.
Clarify your metrics of success
Was the singular indicator of success whether or not we saw dolphins? (And if so, how many dolphins would have been enough?)
Nope.
We were pretty stoked to be out on the ocean, to gain a new perspective of the shores we’ve only seen from one side, learn from the eco-tour all that we could about dolphins (two stomachs! lifespan in captivity 17 years vs 50 in the wild! they plan their next breath!) and enjoy a new little family adventure.
Obviously, we WANTED to see dolphins, or we wouldn’t have done the tour in the first, place (yeesh). But if your one and only objective for doing anything is to have “them” show up…program participants, guests, readers, critics…then you may be missing the honey of the experience. You don’t want to do that.
In the end, it was a gorgeous morning, an informative tour, no one barfed and the dolphins showed up. In droves.
I’d love to wrap this in a neat and tidy bundle and promise you that your readers, customers, guests, and participants will ALSO show up in droves. They may and they may not. (Wild creatures are like that.)
But show up, create compelling and desirable conditions and they very well will. (Wild creatures are like that.)
And when they do, bow to the grace of their presence. Because they came. Without guarantees. They came just the same.
Thank YOU for being here. For showing up, for reading, and for reaching out with comments, emails, tweets and shares to tell me how my words land with you and what you want more of.
I am truly, deeply grateful.
x/TG
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Are you over being the understudy in your life?
(Begin metaphor)
Being an understudy in theatre is a great place to be…for a while. It acclimatizes you for what the stage will feel like. It gets you used to the warmth of the spotlights. The sheer number of bodies in the audience. The adrenaline, the energy and the excitement. The lines, the pressure, the choreography.
It’s good practice and an excellent place to hang out. It allows you to put in the hours and get good and sure that this role, this LIFE, is the one you want. It bows to the idiom “you need to learn to walk before you can run.” (Though we’ve all seen babies who have missed the walking stage, so, there’s that).
Waiting in the wings means you can’t fail. There’s safety here. And latent energy.
For some, this is perfect. You’re ready when you’re told you’re ready… and when the lead actress has a sore throat and can't make it to the performance. THEN it’s your time to shine because you’ve been tapped in. Given permission.
By someone else.
For others, those who KNOW they are ready, who are tired of being spectators and want to become do-ers, who WANT the role so badly that they can taste it, this waiting over a protracted period of time is like purgatory.
(End metaphor)
So let’s say you’re in the second group with the ants-in-your-pants. You feel strongly that you’re ready to claim your role as artist, speaker, coach, leader, author, teacher, pro, star…
What if you could tap yourself in? What if you could give yourself permission?
Would you?
And if not now, when? How much more practice do you need? How many more dance steps do you need to learn? How many more hoops to you need to jump through? How many more lines? How many more courses do you need to ace? At what point will you allow yourself to take centre stage?
Know what I think?
I think you’re ready. Period. I think you’re ready to name and claim your starring role. I think you’re ready to strive. I think you’re ready to face all that’s been holding you back. I think you’re ready to get the help you need to get you there. I think you’re ready to leap onto the stage. I think you’re ready to do the work. And I think you’re ready to be seen. For the do-er, the pro, and the star that you are.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
How to apologize like a sane person
So…I messed up last month. I double-booked and let someone down. Someone I love dearly and deeply.
I’ve needed to apologize for many things over the years and I’m certain I’ll continue to need to do so. For things I’ve done wrong. For misunderstandings, misdeeds, and missteps. (Though I no longer apologize for my beliefs, for not meeting unrealistic expectations thrust upon me, and for, like, EVERYTHING. Dyana is a fabulous model of this).
My apology process looks a little like this::
Be sincere.
State regret.
Take responsibility for the impact of my actions.
Offer to make it right…then make it right.
Pledge to do better (and learn from it).
Move on.
It has served me well. In theory.
This time…
The moment I realized I’d double-booked, I left a message on my beloved friend's home phone. I think it sounded something like this, slightly pitchy and sincerely distraught::
OMGOMGOMGOMG I am so truly sorry. Greg and I weren’t on the same page and didn’t cross-check calendars and he made plans MONTHS ago and now I have to bail on our evening this Friday. CAN YOU FORGIVE ME?!
I didn’t hear back immediately. So I sent a text the next day essentially reiterating the same thing, though slightly less panicked.
I feel awful. You guys go ahead without me. I’ll find a way to make something work…maybe I can meet you later after the kids go to bed. I’ll miss dinner but will be there for the dancing. And I feel sick about letting you down. Truly.
Again, I didn’t hear back. My indignation begins to rise. (Has SHE never made a mistake and needed to lean into grace?)
Next text from me::
Hellloooooooooo????
(Silence)
Enter paranoia, incredulity, righteousness, and a soupçon of anger. I’ve worked my process (sincerely). I’ve regretted, fretted, and sweated and still nothing. I need her to release me from this vortex.
Big bold, worldview statements start to show up in my thought process. (I’m 40. I’m OVER this and I have no place for people who do not have capacity for empathy and forgiveness in my life.)
Epic next text from me::
Am I being shunned…(blah blah blah)…I don’t respond well to the silent treatment…(blah blah blah)…if we can’t even have a conversation then I think we have a different problem.
The ego loves to try to take back control…even if “control” is a Malatov cocktail of ridiculousness.
So, you’ve guessed what happened right?
She didn’t get the texts. We spoke over the phone and all was well. Friendship intact. Of course.
Two lessons.
Lesson #1
Lesson #2
Life is short. Pick up the damned phone. Clear the air.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
How to deliver a boffo program – a metaphor, but not really
Want a lesson in humility? Write a sales page for a program that you’ve created and deeply love. Try to find the right words to charm, entrance and invite your people without grossing them (or yourself) out. And when you find yourself falling short, playing small, go find the words of the previous participants and feel your chest rise with the knowledge that you done good. Try to stay with that and not allow yourself to shrink back into the smallness of self-consciousness. And then share it with your world.
Done. Halle-flippin-lujah. With massive thanks to my beloved Tara Gentile for sherpa-ing me through the process (again).
Know what some previous Step Into Your Starring Role participants said about the last run of the program?
"I’ve done a lot of programs, but few have had the kind of lasting impact that yours had."
"I feel humbled by my 'starring role' because I now know what only I can do in the world."
"Tanya, you fully delivered (over-delivered actually) on everything you promised."
"I continue to use the knowledge that I gathered in this program long after the curtain closed."
Woweee! Yeah. MY PROGRAM DID THAT!
So I’m excited about this program and entirely excited to launch it again. But what I’m hoping to share here is more about how to run a program that elicits that kind of loving enthusiasm.
And, as ever, this applies to life.
In life and in my program, I’ve learned to::
1) Show up fully. Whether you are running a program or simply want to be a decent human being on this good, sweet earth (and you do), show up. Let us know who you are and what we can count on you for.
2) Invite in the best. Surround yourself with quality people. You only have so much space…in your program and in your life. I felt like our calls were in my dining room, with crystal goblets and the plentiful, nourishing, hearty fare. And I WANTED that because I loved them all. Which brings me to…
3) Love the shit out of your people. Fully and completely. You are being graced by their presence. THEY CHOSE YOU. Don’t lose your sense of awe in the wonder of THAT.
4) Be transparent. Your humanness is enrolling, captivating and magnetic. But be mindful of lapsing into an emotional striptease. No one needs to see that.
5) Check in. See how people are receiving you, your words, your work. What’s the impact you’re having? How else can you be useful?
6) It’s about you, and not really. Sure, people are here because of you. But ultimately, they’re here because of themSELVES. Give them plenty of room and space to get what they desire out of the experience.
7) Get help. If you’re in over your head, lean into your friends and the genius people who know about stuff you don't. The people you love with a full heart who want you to succeed. It’s the only way for me.
8) Over-deliver in quality. Period. (But not in quantity…see: “Keep it simple” below).
And, as ever, I learned about some blind spots. Places I need to dig into in my desire for and pursuit of excellence.
In life and in my program, I’m still learning to::
1) Stay late. This is actually a growth edge for me. I’ve heard legends told of Marie Forleo’s B-School Q+A calls. So the story goes, she would stay on the call until every last question was answered. Like, hours. Respect. I aspire to do better with this, as I was usually pretty quick to hop off at the end of the hour, thinking I was being respectful of others’ time. But I see now, people will stay if they want to stay. I ought to as well. In my program and in my life.
AND...
2) Set expectations around availability. In my desire to over-deliver to those selfsame women I love the shit out of, I wasn’t excessively clear about when I wasn’t available to them. (But really, it was with myself that I wasn’t clear). And as such, I really wanted them to feel tended to and heard. At all times. This meant that I was answering questions on my iPhone in bed and crafting responses and curating resources on Sundays. Which ultimately, isn’t sustainable. This program will get big. Very big. As will my life. Boundaries create spaciousness and cohesion. I’ll do a bit better next time.
3) Keep it simple. ARRRRGH. This one continues to dog me. I know what it is…it’s the handiwork of the Imposter Complex. In my programs, I keep throwing reams of content at ‘em to "prove" just.how.very.smart.I.am. In my life, I talk fast and say a lot. When I write, I need to pare back about a third of the words to be more concise. I’m working, working, working on this.
To teach this lesson, I called in the big guns of teaching, my beloved Jen Louden.
One of the biggest take-aways every year from TeachNow students is good teaching is not about drowning students in information or sharing unique insights, but about offering the right ideas in small bites with plenty of spacious time for integration. We call it "appropriate dosing" in TeachNow. Think about your own best learning experiences. Was it all about a cascade of facts or a connection to your heart & mind - through story, reflection, small group discussion or your relationship with your teacher?
We over-stuff our students because we don't trust ourselves. Teaching - which is what you are doing - happens in the mysterious messy juncture between student and teacher. Go there and trust the alchemy that will happen if there is room, if there is space.
In programs and in life…how you do one thing is how you do everything.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
The Sin of (Out)Shining
Will you hate me if I tell you I own two pairs of Christian Louboutin shoes? Will you like me more if I tell you that each time I bought a pair I worried that I couldn’t afford them?
Would you keep reading if you thought I was wearing a size 2 Marc Jacobs dress as I type this? Or would I be more likeable if it were a size 12 dress from J.Crew? Or what if I told you that I’m writing this in my nightie and slippers at my home computer with my hair in a ratty ponytail? – Sarah Hampson
Umm…whoa. I know that place. You know it too, right?
I want to share with you the radiant, shiny joy that I feel in my life, but I don’t want to make you feel badly that you may not have what I have, so let me show you all the ways I or my life has sucked. Let me open up the kimono on my finances. Let me tell you about my weight struggles. Let me tell you about the dark places in my marriage. So we’ll both feel better.*
That there is a slippery slope, my friends. One of many set up by the Imposter Complex.
Oh, I get it. We ALLLLLL get it.
Underneath the behaviour of shrouding my joy is fear. That you will walk away. That you will “unfriend” me. That I will be alone.
I know you know this too.
Maybe because it actually happened to you. You committed, as Gay Hendricks calls it, the crime of outshining…unwittingly. You were in favour with people and then suddenly, the ground fell away beneath you. Maybe you garnered attention from someone important, or won an award, or wore the newest style before anyone else, or were simply too happy, smart, or sporty. Then your friends started to pull away. Maybe they became unkind. Maybe you were cut off.
Yup. I get it, because I was.
Listen, the Mama in me wants to tell you what your Mama told you when you were a kid:: they were never your true friends.
That’s a fact.
Still, that didn’t ease the sting, did it?
And that crap happened to you when you didn’t even DO anything, right? You were just being sporty, being smart, being happy. Being you. Glorious, wonderful you. And being wonderful became a dangerous place. So you shrouded.
Just as we are terrified of having our shadow places exposed (our worries, flaws, fears, faults) so too are we terrified of having our light exposed (our joys, our shine). And so we shroud. And then we shroud some more.
God forbid we own, appreciate or, CELEBRATE that which is going well in our lives and in our work. Our own natural wonderfulness (and oh, Honey? You are so wonderful). Add that layer called CELEBRATION and then we’ve moved beyond what Hendricks called a crime and have moved well into the land of sin.
The sin of (out)shining.
And it’s veritable minefield of labels, sticks and stones. But let’s explore anyways, shall we?
Yeah. Your Mama was right. Those kids in grade school were shits (my words, her thoughts). They weren’t worthy of you or your smarty, happy, sporty self. Your YOUness. You’re savvy enough to see NOW that their unkindness was a product of their own insecurities, worries and deep fears of being alone too. It’s a troublesome spiral, to be sure. And we can circle back and find compassion and empathy and kindness for their souls (and maybe even forgiveness) at any moment, at any time, always and forever, but for the moment, let’s be here with you. With the impact of their taunts and shunning.
Oof.
Take their words, their behaviours, and their labels. Take every little (and big) piece of hurt that you’ve been carrying since grade school, or since that meeting in the boardroom, or since that Facebook comment on your status. Every last word that has haunted you. Write them all down. On one piece of paper. Write as small as you need to get it all in. And do get it all in. Every teensy assertion intended to diminish your light.
And then? Take that paper and light a match to it. Let it go. Watch as the untruths burn and curl in on themselves, ashamed for their part. Give over the hurt, the pain and the sadness. Give over that which never served. Because it NEVER served.
Let it go. Let it go. Let it go.
Onward.
Here’s the stone cold soul truth from my girl Hannah:: You glowing lights other people up.
Ah, yes.
Not everyone, mind you, but YOUR people.
So gather them up. Find your flock with whom you can preen each others beautiful feathers. Find the fiery witnesses to your love, to your joy and to your pain. They’re here, they’re there, they’re everywhere and they are looking for you too.
Stay open and available to their grace.
And then what do we do?
We need to trust ourselves. We need to trust each other. – Justine Musk
Let’s trust ourselves.
Let’s trust our purpose here. We are not accidents. We are divinely intended.
Let’s trust that we are integral to the choir. And that our voices need to be heard so that others can sing along. Let’s trust that our essence, our art, our heart, our soul is required.
Then, let’s trust each other.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ― Marianne Williamson
Trust that you will not diminish me with your success. Nor will I diminish you with mine.
Trust that I can hold your joy and your sorrow and your ecstasy and everything in between.
Let’s trust each other with our humanness. Let’s trust that we will fall. We will stand back up. We will stumble. We will cry. We will bleed. We will create. We will dance. We will be it all and we will be nothing. Together.
And finally, let’s sin together. Let’s shine together.
State your joy. Full stop. No qualifiers, descriptors or shrouding allowed. We don’t do that anymore. Allow me to state my joy. Full stop.
Authenticity is authenticity. It’s not the light with qualifiers and conditions. It’s not the shadow with qualifiers and conditions.
It.just.IS.
Your shining makes me shine brighter. Your success is my inspiration. I will trust that the same is true for you.
Sin with me. Shine with me. Brightly and beautifully. A million points of light.
* {Can you hear the inherent arrogance in there? Like somehow YOUR happiness is related to MY happiness?} This post isn’t about that…but ultimately it is. More to be explored.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
YUM + YAY Goodness
The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.
– Oprah Winfrey
When I spoke at TEDx Women last fall, I mentioned my “YAY” folder as a powerful tool in bolstering my sense of authority and beating back my Impostor Complex, as needed. I was surprised to discover that of all that I shared in that talk, it was THAT FOLDER that people were most curious about.
I shouldn’t have been surprised.
We have a complicated relationship with celebrating ourselves. {I think that’s about as mildly as I could have put that}. Quite simply put, we don’t. Or we do, but in a way that is a “should” rather than from a place of pure YESness.
The reasons are varied and wide.
We don’t want to be egotistical. We don’t think we’ve done anything super great. Yet. And so on…
But I want you to lean in for this one. Whether you’re fearful of the social costs of tooting your own horn or that you haven’t done enough (yet) doesn’t change this fact::
It’s an illusion that you are keeping all of that brilliance to yourself.
We can see it. And we want you to see what WE see. Because it is just.so.gorgeous.
So let us.
Subscribe here to receive YUM + YAY Goodness
It will guide you through the process of creating your own YUM + YAY folder, like the gorgeous ones here created by Step into Your Starring Role participants as we bolstered our Authority Thesis (a seriously integral step in moving towards your Starring Role.)
(Don’t they just make you sit taller?)
You’ve got mountains to climb, books to write and stages to take. Gathering evidence of all that you’ve done and all that you can do is just good process. Dive in.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.