Articles
Comparison: the chronic, persistently annoying THING that just won't go away.
Right before the first coaching session with a new client, I have them answer my “Quintessential Questions”. Seven power-packed q’s that help to name the deeeeeeep and delicious stuff that gets our work started on the right foot. My favourite questions is:
What is it that seems to be chronic, persistently annoying or that just won’t go away?
It tends to send people into two directions:
This is what wants attention.
This is what wants to be released.
Of course, the real honey shows up along the third path.
This is what needs attention and wants to be released.
I haven’t made a scientific study of this, but when I grab a stack of client files and go looking for the answer to that q, “comparison” rises to the top time and time again.
Which doesn’t surprise me.
It would have been my answer too.
Comparison and its seemingly infinite long-tail have been wound around my legs most of my life. And it’s ensnared me more times than I care to count...in a myriad of ways.
Whipping my head from side to side to see what everyone else was doing only gave me whiplash, not a better sense of what I “should” be doing.
Keeping my eyes on somebody else’s path just made me lose my footing on the steep and jagged rock cliffs of progress.
Projecting my light so brightly onto others just made me forget it was mine to begin with, leaving me to flounder in the dark.
Deferring my expertise and power left me without my sense of sovereignty…and left me flushed with shame…for having done.IT.again.
So yeah, I'm intimate with that particular brand of pain.
In fact, in my TEDx talk, From Imposter to Authority, this piece of content that showed up in the first seven drafts of my talk ended up on the cutting room floor, never to be uttered:
A request: Worship wisely.
Recognize that no one ELSE is ever THE Authority.
Those that we want to canonize are finding their own path and wrestle with their own Impostor Complexes. They don’t see themselves as THE authority either…because they are not. (No one is)
We canonize people and then persecute them when they don’t live up to our expectations.
We are killing creativity with canonization.
Yep. I cut it from the final version…it felt too raw. Too risky. Too…something.
But my desire to address this topic wouldn’t, couldn’t go away. The narrative arc of how we canonize someone we admire to the point of disconnecting from them, then demonize them, well, that has always felt like the missing piece on our collective paths to actually stepping into our great work. Our starring role.
We fear that once we become too big, too famous, too…something, then people will disconnect from us. Because we’ve seen it. Because we’ve done it.
Ugh. I feel that dead smack in the middle of my heart.
So yes. Chronic. Persistent. Not going anywhere.
But then July 3rd, 2013, Lauren Bacon and I got on the phone for the very first time. And I shared this painful piece with her. I gave it voice, because, well, I knew:
1. This is what wants attention.
If I’m being honest, I think my unconscious intention was to pretty much hand it over to Lauren and say here’s this scary thing…can you take it on for me so that I can be rid of it because:
2. This is what wants to be released.
Well. That’s not what happened. Of course not.
In that very first conversation, it was apparent that this was work deeply oh-so-very important to BOTH of us. Something we wanted to heal for ourselves. For our clients. The goosebumps on our arms showed us that. So we heeded the call. We dug in. For the past year, we have spent 90 minutes on the phone EVERY.SINGLE.WEEK drafting, crafting, sweating, incanting and creating the most fulsome (and complete...for now) work we’ve come across on this topic.
Because it turned out #3 was once again the sweetest path:
3. This is what needs attention AND wants to be released.
Released, but as an offering. And it’s just about ready for you. For your discovery. (Yes, it used to be called Worship Wisely and it used to be a group program. But it told us it wanted to be something else. And we listened. We always listen.)
Powerful, propulsive and illuminating questions that will help you see what might be possible for you beyond compare. (Hint: it just might smell like freedom.)
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
This isn’t the post I thought I’d be writing, but it’s what I needed to write. On joy and grief. On awakenings. On wholeness.
It’s been quite the summer. In truth, I’ve re-written that first sentence about ten times.Because, really, what else can you call a summer that’s been rich with ice cream and travel and joyous moments AND rife with pain and suffering and suicides and murders and righteous rebellions evenifitsnothappeningtomeoranyoneinmyimmediatelife?
Quite the summer.
You know how when someone dies, we first grapple with the “right words” to say, feel like we fall flat, and follow up with an impulse to share a casserole? I feel like that here. Like, I’m not entirely sure what the “right words” are, so I’ll serve you a sandwich.
A well-made sandwich is an act of devotion, so here’s my sandwich for you, for me, for us.
The bread of joy (or, where I’ve been)
I am celebrating a wonderful road trip with my family to the East Coast. Three thousand, nine hundred and ninety-three kilometers later, and we’re still talking. Lobsters, tides, old friends, new friends, wild blueberries, seals, porpoises, whales, walking the ocean floor, clam digging, thunderstorms, oysters, campfire chats, beaches, music, reverie and unforgettable colours.
I am also celebrating having had some of the most delightful conversations ever in my years of doing this blessed work:
Anna Guest-Jelley is a force of pure love and light, and in my mind, she is leading the body acceptance movement. Hallelujah! I adored my time with her talking about my childhood relationship with my body, and my current relationship with success and where the Imposter Complex loves to show up.
Jessica Kupferman and I spoke about learning to love the Imposter Complex for what it teaches us. This was a full-hearted chat with a wise and hilarious woman who’s creating an empire. (I may have ended up coaching her…it happens). She’s one to watch, and this is one to listen.
Lovely launch coachsultant Melissa Anzman and I talked about how results are a direct reflection of our approach, all the fears that show up right before any launch…and how to overcome them. Fabulous questions, big heart.
Katie McCarthy of Give Good gave GREAT interview. I loved talking favourite books, regimens, even some of the hardest times. ('Cause they won't break you. Promise.)
I’m also celebrating that fact that the clinical psychologist who co-coined the term "Imposter Complex" back in 1978, Pauline Clance, has recommended me (ME!) for an interview about the IC that she isn't able to do. Dream come true, really. I’m pushing past the lies of the Imposter Complex that have oh so much to say about why I’m not the right person for the job. Because I AM the right person for the job.
The meat of suffering (or, what I’ve been avoiding)
I so deeply want to end the post right there. With my joys and celebrations in the hopes that they lift you up. That they continue to lift me up.
Yes, yes. I want this post to be resplendent with waning summer softness and ease. As the cicadas serenade the setting sun, and the crisp mornings herald the dawn of autumn, this is a gorgeous time of réveil …an awakening from the somnolence of summer.
But with our Twitter streams filled with distress, suicide, murder, pain, suffering, and inequity we don’t know where to put our own grief. Contributing to the conversation feels….opportunistic. Not our story. Not our challenge. Not our cross to bear.
When we don’t have the “right words”, we say nothing. Or precious little. We are afraid that if we don’t fully, completely, wholly understand something, then we oughtn’t say a thing, because if we do say something, even from a place of compassion and desire for understanding and peace, we will be called out.
I haven’t had the “right words” to speak of losing Robin Williams. Not here, not on social media, not with my daughter who held my hand as I became unhinged with sadness as we watched Night at the Museum 2, having forgotten that Williams played Teddy Roosevelt. Particularly when he uttered the phrase: The key to happiness is doing what you love.
I haven’t had the “right words” to speak of Ferguson. (But this is starting to guide my way). I haven’t had the “right words” for what I’ve been feeling into so deeply. But it’s time to risk impeccability and elegance and crash the woods with my humanness (as my soul sister Julie says) and declare:
That it is time to reconnect our bodies, hearts, and minds with our world and speak out against the suffering around us.
That it is time we choose, on a daily basis, how we want to be together, towards each other, towards ourselves, towards our earth.
That it is time that we stop pressing the snooze button of the ‘way it is’ and wake up. And stay awake.
That it is time to say what needs to be said. That we think and feel and express and share and ask and give and receive from a place of love, kindness, and compassion.
Your pain is my pain. Your joy is my joy. I may not hold it with grace the way I want to hold it, but I will hold it. I promise you that. Can you try to do the same?
The bread of joy (or, where I’m going next)
I’ve known for some time that I was about to write a book. I’ve had it on the back burner behind the other pots that have been boiling over. But then, this happened, as I shared on Facebook:
On the long and scenic drive towards home, we listened to music and didn't say much. All lost in our own thoughts. My mind kept playing out what's next in my business, chewing over options and vetting my excitement level.
Imagine my surprise when the border guard in Vermont glanced up from my passport, looked me straight in the eye and asked me when my book would be out.
Okay Angels, I'm on it.
I am excited. In fact, I am elated. I cannot contain the joy that I feel in the knowledge that the 40,000 unpolished words that currently sit in a Scrivener file will some day in the not too distant future come together in harmony and form THE book.
How can I feel such profound joy in the midst of the sorrow that is also true?
I believe that our natural setpoint IS wholeness. That we cannot successfully bifurcate our joy from our pains, any more than we can bifurcate our heads from our hearts (though we try, oh, how we try).
So yes. I believe in angels. I believe in border guards. I believe in the capacity of humans to do incredible things. I believe in you. I believe in me. I believe we can turn this thing around.
"Wouldn't it be incredible if everyone could find the joy that comes with committing to our own goodness? Perhaps we would stop dividing ourselves into malignancies of various forms."
– Eve Ensler, In the Body of the World: A Memoir of Cancer and Connection
Let’s commit to our own goodness. Our own values. Our knowing of what’s right and just and fair and equitable.
Let’s crash through the woods together in our humanness. Guided by the pure clarity of loving intent.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
The “Ready for my Starring Role” list
My family and I are heading out on a 2-week Atlantic Canada road trip. There’s really no reason for us to bring our passports. But. Just in case we decide to sneak through Maine, or we act on my creepy Shining-inspired compulsion to stay a night at the Mount Washington resort in NH, we’ll bring ‘em.
And the moment I realized that we were going to pack them, an old panic set in: what if they’re not up to date?
It was a micro-moment, really, because I realized that my (our) passports are ALWAYS up to date. They live on my “Ready for my Starring Role” list.
No? Not ringing any bells?
Okay. Here’s what I share with my Step into Your Starring Role group.
Over a year ago, my dear friend and co-working partner Jamie Ridler and I were talking about the BIG STUFF. You know, life purpose, legacy, and manicures (as one does).
I had just had my nails done and I was telling her how much more enjoyable it was to write (and type) as I watched those varnished digits dance across the keyboard.
Very matter-of-factly, Jamie said, “Oh yes, fresh manicures are on my ‘Jamie’s Ready for Anything List’”. Delighted, I leaned in to hear the rest of her list.
And, of course, I started to create my own “Ready for Anything” list. A seemingly simple, but genius little process with deceptive potholes.
It was a sparse list at first. A valid passport and a made bed, fresh nails (uh huh), a charged iPhone and that emergency $20 tucked in my wallet that my mother impressed upon me at an early age. And that was kind of it.
And then, I got a little more granular. I stopped thinking about being ready for ANYTHING and started getting specific about what I wanted to be ready for. So I renamed it my “Ready for my Starring Role” list.
I would be ready to take Oprah’s call when…I would be ready to say YES to that eleventh hour speaking gig when…I would be ready to partner on that incredible windfall opportunity when…
This is where it started to get tricky. This is where my fall-back into the land of over-preparation began. This is where I started creating barriers.
I’d be ready when I lost 15 pounds. I’d be ready when I had an extra $__K in the bank. I’d be ready when I wrote The Book.
Turns out, I was far from ready. Hello, Imposter Complex.
Now, we can all see where I was blocking what I said I wanted. I’m not suggesting these barriers are the REASON no windfall opportunities fell in our laps, or O’s people haven’t called or, or, or. And yet…and yet...
So, back to the drawing board. This time, I reoriented my “Ready for my Starring Role" List with my Brand of Joy.
My list items became more like embodiments of my values that are in service of my life and less like items on a to-do that only discouraged me.
Today, my list looks more like:
A current passport.
A signature talk that I can whip out at the drop of a hat (but not memorized…just the highlights committed to memory).
A made bed.
Well-hydrated lips that can smile even wider.
Thank you’s up to date (cards, email, phone calls.)
A full tank of gas (literally and figuratively).
Something to write on and write with.
A charged iPhone.
Never missing a chance to tell my family how much I love them before I (or they) leave the house.
And of course, nails done.
I invite to make your own list. Your “Ready for Anything” list, or your “Ready for your Starring Role list”. (Go for resonance.)
Align it with your Brand of Joy. And notice what beliefs you still have about being ready.
For all the items that make you feel filled up, put a star next to them and see how many of those you can “take care of” this week.
For all the items that make you feel a little depleted, and come back to them in a day’s time. Are they essential or are they barriers? If they’re barriers, pull ‘em off the list.
Then notice how much more ready you are than you thought. Which is good. Really good.
But for the love of goodness, please…
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
For the moment (and it will come) that has you question your bravery…
You were brave. You remember, don’t you?
No? Okay. Here it is: you were brave...
when you stayed and when you left.
when you said, "No, but let’s try this."
when you said, "No, never."
when you said, "Yes, thank you. More, please."
when your wave to the cool kids wasn’t returned (and still, you kept your head high).
when you kissed the ground (even though you wanted to shake your fist at the sky).
when you stood up.
when you stood down,
when you kept writing, speaking, teaching, singing, preaching, going.
(even though...)
when you danced with the shadow (but didn’t go to second base).
when you were so worn out but made it count anyway.
when you wore your heart on your sleeve
(it SO brings out your eyes).
when you believed.
when you trusted.
when you knew that you knew.
when you raised your hand,
when you took the high road
(and not just for the panoramic views).
when you didn't feel so hot in the bathing suit but swam in the grace around you just the same.
when you made your dreams your mission.
when you shelved your dreams for someone else’s (though you’ll never do THAT again).
when you tossed your limitations into the volcano of your desires.
when you committed to your life.
when you kept your promise to others.
when you kept your promise to yourself.
when you kept your promise to your soul.
when you trusted how it felt (not how it looked).
when you kept showingupshowingupshowingup (even though the duvet beckoned).
when you forgave (REALLY forgave).
when you decided to stop deferring to others.
when you decided that enough was enough and that you were enough (oh, that was a good one).
when you risked it.
when you risked telling someone they matter.
when you decided it wasn’t too late but also that it wasn't too soon to just.get.going.
when you chose collaboration over competition,
discernment over decisiveness,
generosity over guarantees,
curiosity over certitude.
when you tapped yourself in.
when you switched gears (even though everyone was watching).
when you chose to love.
when you chose joy.
and, when you chose you.
So, you see?
Every.single.day. you keep showing it.
You keep showing us.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Raise your hand.
Any time I am invited to speak anywhere, I always lobby for a robust amount of time for a Q&A. It’s my favourite. The content that I share in my talks is designed to be attuned, excellent, full of heart, thoughtful, and inspiring (naturally). It’s designed to offer value long after the mic and lights are turned off and we’ve all left the building. But I can’t help but wonder: Did everyone get what they wanted? Did everyone get what they needed?
Q&A time scratches that itch for me. An audience question means that I’m helping to solve an immediate concern or issue which feels fabulously, instantaneously useful. On-demand information and perspective.
But here’s what I’ve been noticing the last couple of times I’ve spoken SPECIFICALLY to groups of professional women: (1) how tentative they are about raising their hands and (2) how long the queue is to ask me questions in private.
What a shame, non?
Because the questions that I get asked are FABULOUS. They are sharp, clever, and help me to see new perspectives about my OWN content. They illuminate and clarify something for the asker and most assuredly offer value to anyone within earshot.
Triple win.
So why do we keep our hands down? Why do we demure? Why are we so terrified to be found out that we don’t know something?
If you’ve been here a while, then you already know my answer: the Imposter Complex.
It argues: "If you reveal that you don’t know something, then you’re really revealing that you know NOTHING." (This, by the way, is a heady blend of a couple of the 12 Lies of the Imposter Complex.)
So we keep the shame hidden and we stay down. We stay quiet. And we stay a little less informed. A LOT less informed.
Not only does asking questions seem to reveal our ineptitude, but also our laziness and complete lack of independence, according to the irksome comment in my daughter’s interim report card last year:
"...she asks a lot of questions and should really try to be more independent and figure things out on her own."
Yes. Because white-knuckled problem-solving is the only path towards innovation, right? Asking questions is a one-way ticket to living your adult life on your parents’ couch, right?
I call(ed) bullshit.
As an ardent question-asker and someone who has never been afraid of being the dumbest person in the room, you can bet I had some questions for her teacher. In our (quite respectful) interview, I was assured that my daughter does indeed ask a LOT of questions about things she isn’t clear about.
"Great," I said. "Asking just one question and walking away with any uncertainty? Now THAT would be lazy."
I proceeded to thank the teacher for creating an environment that felt safe enough for my daughter to reach out for help and clarification as needed, so that she WOULD have the confidence to swing out and try things out for herself.
Curiosity may have killed the cat, but then again... that’s why it was divinely gifted with nine lives.
So, I can't help but wonder:
I vote you raise your hand.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Monday Morning Tenders
I want to share with you the worries of my heart. They don’t show up in my status updates, nor in my Instagram feed. Not because I’m ashamed of them. No no no. I’m not ashamed of them. I just don’t happen to be on social media between 2:22 to 3:30 am on Monday morning when these worries visit me and will not relent. Is my father okay? Are we living the life we’re supposed to? Is my daughter happy enough? Is my business happy enough? Am I making the right decisions? Am I swinging out enough, too much, not enough? Am I missing something (oh why oh why oh why do I feel like I’m always missing something)? What am I forgetting? WHAT AM I FORGETTING?
Because I know you know the 2:22 am worries. They’re like potato chips. You can’t have just one.
If you’re a parent, you live with your heart outside of your body. If you’re an entrepreneur, you live in fear that you’re not activating as you ought to. If you’re a creative, you worry that you’re not creating enough…or that it won’t be well-received. If you’re a human being living and breathing and walking, you worry that it’s all so fleeting. You worry because it all matters.
Though worry, of course, has about as much nutritional value as those potato chips. (And not nearly as satisfying.)
Yes. I know.
And all we can do is continue to breathe.
The simplest meditation I know is one that Lauren and I share in Beyond Compare (coming oh so soon I can taste it.)
Count “one” on the inhale, “two” on the exhale, “three” on the next inhale, and so on until you get to ten. Repeat this until you feel yourself back in the present moment.
It’s the meditation that brings me back into my body. The body that knows the ground will support me. That my lungs will breathe for me. That my heart will beat for me. That the work is unfolding for me. That I am in the right place. That my intentions are good. That I am surrounded and guided by love.
You are too.
And from there, I am free to sleep, to dream and to heal.
You are too.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.