The two words feared most by the Imposter Complex

Chances are, if you are a high-performing woman, you have experienced Imposter Complex at some point in your life and career — maybe at lots of points in your life and career. You may have heard of it as “Imposter Syndrom,” but here’s why it’s important to call it “Imposter Complex” instead.

Remember, Imposter Complex is that enduring feeling that it’s just a matter of time before everyone finds out that you’re a fake. 

And you are not alone. It strikes MOST of us. If you have high standards for yourself, a desire for excellence, and a value of integrity, I suspect that at one time or another you’ve felt its power over you. And it IS powerful even when it presents as innocuous.

IT CAN LOOK SOMETHING LIKE THIS… 

You are told: You are so committed to your yoga practice. It’s awesome and inspiring.
You respond: Yeah, well my handstand is a train wreck.

You are told: This pasta is exquisite.
You respond: Naw, I put in too much salt.

You are told: You are my go-to when I have a style question.
You respond: What? I’m a sloppy mess.

You are told: You’re a really great writer.
You respond: Ach. My sentences are fragmented.

When we undercut, diminish, and dismiss what we are being offered as a gift of acknowledgment, that’s the handiwork of the Imposter.

Why do we do it? SO.MANY.REASONS. Here are the ones flaring off like fireworks all around me lately::

• We want to be in integrity and make sure that everyone has the “full story” about us. 

• We are perfectionists not actually content with ANYTHING until it’s good enough (“for whom?” is the real question here).

• We cannot perceive the real value of our contributions (especially if we're "naturally gifted" and haven't suffered for our art).

• We have been raised to be humble above all else.

• We are superstitious. That by accepting ownership over our excellence, we’re jinxing ourselves.

• We do not want to commit the crime of outshining (fabulous term coined by Gay Hendricks).

I believe it is part of the work we are meant to do to unpack the whys behind our Imposter Complex so that we can move past them more quickly and easily when they arise so that we allow ourselves to step into our starring roles. 

Want to try it out…?

I have a simple baby step you can take right now, today, to feel what it feels like to stop diminishing, stop letting the Imposter Complex dictate your responses, and put one small baby toe towards stepping into your Starring Role.

Ready (enough)?

The next time someone dares to see you and share with you what they see in you, in your contributions, in your abilities — instead of showing them where they’re wrong (they’re not) try saying this:: 

Thank you.

That’s it.

Thank you.

No more, no less.

Thank you.

Neither discount nor deny their gift of acknowledgment. Just as you wouldn’t find fault with a gift given to you from the heart, so too should you not find fault with the acknowledgment. Accept it with the grace that only “thank you” affords.

The Impostor Complex despises this because you are, in two words, owning (or, at least, for the time being, BORROWING) the truth. You are doing good.  Full stop.

Added bonus:

Train your brain to say those words and you’ll be sending sweet synaptic love notes to your subconscious with this immutable fact: that you ARE worthy of praise and acknowledgment.

Because you are.

Sure, it’s possible that your handstand, pasta, and sentence structures could use a little more attention. (Which is awesome news for you and your high standards… you get another turn up the upward spiral called life in pursuit of excellence).  

But for this moment, this very moment, rest in the knowledge that you, your yoga practice, your pasta, your style, or your writing has moved, delighted, or even inspired someone. Saying Thank You locks and loads it.

And THAT is excellent.

When you try it this week, will you share it with me?  If you’re feeling bold, post about it on Instagram and tag me @TanyaGeisler so that I can celebrate with you! If you’re feeling tender, send me a private message on IG and we’ll have our own, private celebration.

Either way, take half a moment to celebrate the noticing and the shift. It’s more powerful than you might think.

---

Check out my free training on the 5 ICONIC Shifts Leaders Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact

Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.

Getting There

It’s a mystical land, “There”, with its seductive promise of splendour, glory, Enough, and All. You want to get to There. But you’re Here.

Why?

I have some theories.

You’re anxious that you don’t know where There is.

You’re troubled by the effort it will take to get There.

You’re terrified that when you get There, it’ll be the wrong There.

Worse still, when you get There, you’re afraid They’ll find out you’re not really supposed to be There, after all.

You’re not ready to start going There. There are all these things you need to do Here first before you can even take the first step towards There…

All perfectly reasonable fears, Love. 

And still, There beckons.

Know how you WILL get There?

Step by step. With courage.

And, not to sound too much like a fortune cookie, but every journey starts with that first step. 

And I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that you are ready enough. 

Ready enough to name your There — even if it isn’t the perfect name, or if the address changes on the way.

Ready enough to decide that the effort is worth it, and/or that you can break that effort down into teeny tiny baby steps. (Because — did you know?? — baby steps still move you forward.)

Ready enough to go There and then pivot if the There isn’t quite what you imagined it would be.

Ready enough to assemble your cast and remember that your people want you to succeed — Here, There, and everywhere!

Because whatever There looks like for you? I know for a fact you are ready enough to make that first step.

Before you head off though, will you take a moment to thank Here? For the ground beneath your feet. For the known and the shown.

Now, blow Here a tender kiss and set off on your way.

It’s time.

---

Check out my free training on the 5 ICONIC Shifts Leaders Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact

Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.

Waiting for Your Big Break May Break You

Big Breaks can make life easier. They feel like ginormous affirmations that we are really on the right path to THERE. They are universal winks of “I see you Kid…and it is good”.

So of course, we want ‘em. Bad. We yearn for them.

The tweet that will change your trajectory. The windfall of grace at just the right moment.

But have you ever had a Big Break and felt a bit, erm, empty? Like: THAT was what I’ve been waiting for?

Or, have had the Big Break and then felt like you’ve fumbled it. That it was the ONE CHANCE and there will never, ever, EVER be another?

Or, possibly even worse, leveraged the Big Break but then never really allowed yourself to feel good about it…’cause after all: you “just got lucky that one time”, or: you “didn’t really deserve it”. (And THOSE, my friends, are two of the many calling cards of the Impostor Complex.)

Or, waited until the Big Break came…only to never have it show up.

Oh. Did you just feel that in your chest? Me too.

Waiting for the Big Break may break you. It may break your spirit. It may compromise your belief in YOU. Your genius. Your sacred gifts.

Know what’s a much, MUCH saner way?

It’s not sexy, and you’ve heard it before, but here goes:

Commit. Do the work. Get good.

Fairy Godmothers, silver bullets, magic pills, lottery windfalls…listen, I’m not going to tell you that they don’t exist. Because they might. Because they do.

And sure, leave a little white space for magic, serendipity, and chance, but waiting for them to show up as part of your strategic planning? Mmmmm, no.

Write. Immerse. Run. Bake. Practice. Teach. Expand. Fail. Sing. Train. Redirect. Preach. Sell. Pitch. Ask. Rehearse. Speak. Draw. Coach. Paint. Bead. Dance. Learn. Deepen.

Again and again and again. Imbue it with your truth, your heart, your integrity, and your authenticity.

Practice isn’t about making something perfect; it’s about making something possible. – Justine Musk

And...

...look up from time to time. Take your own breaks. Make your own breaks. Revel in your commitment. Notice how far you’ve come. Breathe in your good. And then get back to it.

You are required to show up. And in that way, the universe DOES see you. And it IS good.

---

Click here for my free training:

Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.

A Poem for Procrastinators

You know you need to do the work.
But oh, those pretty distractions.
You’d rather
paint,
bake,
sing,
fold,
call her,
even call HER,
than do the work.
Fine pursuits, all of them,
maybe even noble and required.
Of their own merit,
on their own time,
they likely serve you well.
Allow. Yes, allow.
But researching the age of the moon,
the rules of huckle buckle,
the meaning of mercurial,
the behaviour of those teeny zippy trippy red ants,
the number of layers in a mille feuille,
the right amount of oil for a pizza crust (none),
the bloom time of the oleander,
the brightest star seen by the naked eye (Sirius),
the ponies of Assateague,
or the origin of the Book of Love?
Don’t bother.
I’ve done it.
You’re covered.
So now, Dear One,
you may get back to work.

---

Check out my free training on the 5 ICONIC Shifts Leaders Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact

Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.

Don’t confuse getting noticed with being seen.

Getting noticed is a wonderful feeling. Rousing, actually. A wake-up call to our capacity and maybe even our impact.

It’s that: “Hey, what you’re up to is attractive, alluring, enticing. I want to come a little bit closer.” It’s the raised eyebrow, wink + nod of “you’re on the right path, Love.” It’s the first step. It’s the foot in the door. It’s important.

It’s also fleeting. It does not endure. And it requires us to deepen in. To activate. To make it count.

Which is good. So long as what we are getting noticed for is aligned with our true selves, our art, our vocation, our purpose. What.We.Want.To.Be.Known.For.

And the flip is also true.

One of the things you might be fearing about your imminent success IS in getting noticed:

Being noticed can be a burden. Jesus got himself crucified because he got himself noticed. So I disappear a lot.

– Bob Dylan

I get that. The assumptions people make about you because they extrapolate one sliver of what they’ve noticed in you. The projections that show up as a result.

That’s why boundaries exist. (Make ‘em good.)

For the moment, let’s hold tight over here in the land of wanting to get noticed. Knowing your message, your art, your work needs exposure and noticing before it reaches the critical mass it so deeply desires.

A word of caution.

In a hunger to get noticed, I’ve seen people act incongruently in ways that are foreign to their soul…which sets them up for three paths of suffering:

• Their Imposter Complex (which is what I call what you might think of as “Imposter Syndrome,” but here’s why I say Imposter Complex instead) will sound the deafening and defeating bullhorn of “FRAUD!”;

• Any attention they get will feel hollow and false; and,

• They will not see success come to fruition because the façade can’t be kept up.

So don't do that.

Related: People are lazy. We’re going to go ahead and imprint upon you how you show up. What you lead with. If you’re presenting with your high-minded research but secretly yearn to be known for your poetry, you’ve got to know that it’ll be tough for us to make that transition.

This is an important distinction and one that can be handled by a simple query. When you are about to do something with the intention of getting noticed, ask yourself: is this what I want to be known for?

Because it takes courage to swing out and do something to get yourself noticed.

And.

It takes even more courage to allow yourself to be seen. (Getting on someone’s radar is not the same as getting into their heart.)

This is a place of deep pain for many. They receive the winks, the nods, the open doors of noticing and assume parity with being seen. But then quickly feel the sting from NOT being met, understood, nor held. And then they proceed to make up they've "done something wrong". Fallen out of favour in some way.

Nope. It's not that. It's that getting noticed is a twinkle in time. Unlike being seen. That's for keeps.

Yes.

Your path likely requires that you, your work, your research, your art, your writing, your teaching, get noticed. To be sure. So work on the things that are right and true and congruent for you. Pitch. Pitch hard. Pitch often. Raise your hand. Ask the question. Answer the question. Challenge.

See where it takes you. But do not assume that people who have noticed you and your work can actually see you. Not yet.

If being seen is important to you (and it may well not be), follow up with time and tenacity and temerity and action and vulnerability and willingness to connect on deeper level, and then yes, you just may be seen. Truly and fully and enduringly.

Souls can only see truth. Not façade.

Lead with your lexicon. Call yourself forth with the specificity of what you want to be noticed for and THEN act from there. It’ll make it easier for us to see you. Because you’ve started the process by seeing yourself.

---

Check out my free training on the 5 ICONIC Shifts Leaders Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact

Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.

Risk the vulnerability hangover. You will survive it.

We’ve all been there: We shared from the depths of our souls. Our fears. Our worries. Our hopes. Our dreams.

In the sharing, you were effusive, euphoric, unbridled, and even — dare I say it? — emotional. Because, I mean, it felt so good in that moment.

And then you felt the surge of heat in your cheeks. The room started to spin and you had to make a hasty retreat from the conversation. Or worse... you left feeling euphoric, only to wake up in a puddle of your insecurities the next day.

"Oh hell! Why did I share that?” “What was I thinking?” And, worse, “What must THEY be thinking now about ME?”

You think you said too much.

You think you were too much.

You, my friend, are eyeballs deep into what has been called the “vulnerability hangover.”

[A term coined by the Queen Bee of Vulnerability, Dr. Brené Brown.]

Friend? I’ve totally been there.

As a chronic hugger of strangers, the first one to say I love you, an over-sharer by nature, and a woman living inside a desire to live so fully that most of her filters have been removed, I get it.

Brown posits that if you don’t feel any vulnerability hangover, then maybe you didn’t go far enough.

If we’re going to use vulnerability hangovers as a metric of courage, here’s a super quick survival guide.

First of all, you will survive this.

You will absolutely survive your vulnerability hangover. Anyone who has stepped out and risked sharing what was true has experienced this and (you guessed it) survived.

Next, hydrate.

Simple. Just hydrate. No tricks. Just drink water.

(You aren’t drinking enough, you know.)

Third, compassion-ate

As in, fire compassion beams on yourself. Be kind. Be gentle.

You shared because you had a full tank of thoughts and feelings and sadness and joy and despair and whatever else you had and were looking to connect with someone. Maybe with several someones. You needed that. We all need that. So beating yourself up is counter-productive.

Find the same compassion for yourself that you would give a sweet little girl who told her crush that their eyes were nice and now feels awash in shame for her confession.

Last, calibrate

Recognize that the impulse beneath the sharing was connection (it was, trust me). Where else can you get this need met in a way that will not send you to bed dizzy and wanting to hide because you are flushed with hot panic? What’s another way forward? Who can you surround yourself with?

Because what I worry about is this: if you endure one too many vulnerability hangovers, you just may stop showing up.

And, honey? We cannot have that.

Listen. We are living in a messed up time.

It is time to say what needs to be said. Now more than ever.

We can’t have you in bed not saying what needs to be said because you are afraid of the repercussions of a vulnerability hangover.

I’m scared. I know you are too.

Above all:

Please don’t apologize for feeling the depths of your experience.

Don’t apologize for expressing the depths of your experience.

And don’t stop sharing what needs to be shared.

It’s time for humanity. Not immunity. And certainly not silence.

I repeat: we’ve got work to do.

But what do you do when you’re not certain how to do that work?

What do you do when you’ve drunk your water and felt deep into that self-compassion (and possibly even read Dr. Brown’s books) — but you’re not sure how to calibrate and realign or decide on your next move?

What do you do when you’re pre- hangover — but you’re procrastinating speaking up because you dread the crash that will follow?

When you know you have things to say, a bigger role to fill, a bigger impact to make — but you can’t quite figure out how to do the next right thing to get there.

That’s where I come in.

Over the years of studying and working with the Imposter Complex, I’ve developed a toolbox of strategies that can help guide you through the squidgy places (the vulnerability hangovers, the habits of procrastination or diminishment or comparison) to help you uncover and create Your Impeccable Impact.

And if you’re wondering how you will know when you’re ready to make such a move?

Searching for how to survive your vulnerability hangover tells me you’re making bold moves (or you wouldn’t be dealing with a hangover in the first place!). And if you’ve read this far, that tells me you’re considering a few more.

 That’s thrilling stuff. Let’s talk about it and find out if I can support you on your journey to get where you want to go.

---

*A note about coaching. With ANYONE.

I’m always amazed when a new client apologizes for being emotional in a session. Worrying about what I’ll think. It’s chronic — worrying about how we’ll react to each other.

People… I’m a professional.

THIS is what I do. This is what ALL coaches do. All that deep-listening and ideation and strategy and compassion are God-given gifts that I nurture and tend to. No doubt. SELF-MANAGEMENT is the skill I paid tens of thousands of dollars for and spent thousands of hours mastering.

So bring it. Bring the mess. Bring the tears. Bring what you think is a shit show.

I’ve got it all. I’ve got you. That’s my job. That’s ALL coaches' jobs.

We’ll find your way forward. Because we are going to need your voice, at top level. We’re going to need your arms, your heart, your soul and all that you have got if we’re going to turn this thing around.

---

Check out my free training on the 5 ICONIC Shifts Leaders Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact

Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.