Articles
Relearning my own lessons about Asks, Action and SNAFUs that yield to bliss
I love throwing parties. I love bringing people together. I love signature cocktails, the excuse to arrange lavish floral arrangements, and ironing the white linen napkins. I love planning the cheese tray. I love the loot bags. So yes. I love throwing parties. And I’m told by my friends that I’m pretty good at it.
It’s in the details. And possibly, the love.
Lead With Your Strengths. In All Things, Including Launches.
So, when Kelly and I discussed how to launch my happy new site (that she and Amanda done did as red+purple), she answered simply (and with what I make up would have been a “duh” expression in her eyes): throw a party.
You heard the “duh” in that too, right?
Yup. Got it.
One slight problem: how do you throw a party with no cheese tray, flowers, white linens, or cocktails?
Answer: loot bag!!
Goody goody good good. I love giving stuff away.
Problem there (party-planning’s all about problem solving, turns out): I have a pretty happy busy coaching practice and not a ton of time to give away (like I did last time). It’s a champagne problem and a reality. I have no products (yet) other than my beloved Joy Pages.
Kelly patiently pointed out that in addition to giving good party, I also make good friends.
And?
"Generous friends.”
Huh?
“Generous friends who have products.”
Blank stare.
“Generous friends who have products that your readers would want to have.”
Crickets.
“Jesus, Tanya. Ask your generous friends with products if they would give you a copy of said digital product for Swag Bag of Magnificence and then give it away to one super lucky person!”
Why would they want to do that?
“Woman. Read your own words on the topic: people want to help. ESPECIALLY your generous friends. Hell, I want to help and you haven’t even asked: so you can have a Red Shoe Blogger session”.
Right. I know this to be true. I see it time and time again.
So I write what I hope is an elegant ask of Danielle, Dyana, Pam, Jen, Carrie, Tara, Amanda, Michelle, Jamie, and Kelly. And then hold my breath.
10 asks. 10 effusive yes’s. Over $1100 of digital gorgeousness.
How did I get so lucky?
Carrie: “You got so lucky by being you.”
Stunned.
So, with the Swag Bag of Magnificence, Magnified secured, off we go our separate ways: Amanda designing, Kelly writing, Tanya party planning (and nail-biting: “what of no one shows up?”). Launch date: July 26th 2011.
Wherein the Best-Laid Launch Plan Goes Awry
Then, on July 7th, T minus 20, it happens: kablooey. My existing site blows up.
Well not really, exactly. But kinda sorta.
Let’s just say the email that I received at 6:30 that morning while at the gym read:
We are very sorry to hear your 'public_html' folder has been deleted. Unfortunately, we do not keep a backup of your files. You would need your webmaster to manually restore those files. In the future, please ensure you run the 'Backup Wizard' on a regular basis.
In other words: kablooey.
Once it’s established that no one died (this is good), and the tears and expletives have subsided, we are left with this: I am a coach without a website. There is only one solution that we can entertain: launch the new site, stat. Two weeks earlier than planned.
Did I mention Amanda 9++ months pregnant and days overdue?
Didn’t think so.
A three-day workback is drafted. It must get done. There is no time to iron the linens - paper napkins will have to do. There is no time for fear no-shows. There was no time to even get in my own damned way. The SNAFU made sure of that.
Funny thing about urgency: it tames fear and strips back to what’s essential.
And Essential is Excellent
Between Kelly, Amanda, my Rock Star VA, and I, we get it done. Amanda fixed code during contractions. I couldn’t make that up.
And it launches. And they come. BOY, do they come.
It’s a party of epic proportions.
Loving emails, tweets of congratulations, Facebook “likes” and phone calls flood in.
The results: My cheeks hurt from smiling, “thank you” has started to lose all meaning and my heart feels like it could burst. In other words: it was pure bliss.
I am grateful. I am radiant. Like my girl Kelly.
And so I’m reminded:
Ask – Clearly, sincerely, respectfully and nicely. People want to help.
Launch – Wherever you are at. Throw open the doors.
Ask – With your heart and then launch with your heart. It never fails. Nor will you.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Regiving Kindness and Laughter
To me, kindness and laughter make this gorgeous orb go round. And I suspect you believe the same.
So you KNOW that I jumped all over the chance to talk about both when the wondrous Amanda Oaks of Kind Over Matter invited me answer the following:
What small act of kindness were you once shown that you will never forget?
What was one of the funniest experiences of your life, one where you laughed from your core?
The result is a gorgeous compilation of 30 stories each of kindness and laughter (60 in all) peppered with beautiful and inspiring art. It’s called “Regiving”. Can you imagine two things that are more wondrous to regift? Me neither.
I am beyond honoured to be included in this book. I mean really…the contributors’ list is a who’s who of marvellousness. I’m in there with 29 other writers I dig and admire (like the sublimely hot-in-every-way Dyana Valentine, breathtaking Julie Daley, lustrous Jamie Ridler, sparkling Tia Singh, awesome Fabeku Fatunmise and jubilant Michelle Ward to name but a few. Seriously…I could go on: Jonathan Mead, Ev’Yan Nasman, Goddess Leonie, Susannah Conway, Kate Swoboda. Ok, ok...I’ll stop, even though I reallllllllly don't want to).
Go on and grab your copy of Regiving {affiliate link…I love it that much}.
AND, if you are so moved, in the comments below, please share YOUR never-to-be-forgotten kindness story that helped shape who you are today AND one story of laughing so hard you may have even peed (quite a common side effect, it turns out - you are not alone).
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Those lousy Snakes on a Plane
This past weekend, a friend and I subjected ourselves to some kinda camp, better known as the 2006 flick: Snakes on a Plane. If you don’t want me to spoil it for you, probably best you stop reading, ‘cause I’m a-gonna spill the dramatic arc here. (Air quotes are implied) There are snakes on a plane. They freak everyone out. How they got there (bad guys) is kind of irrelevant. They’re there and they’re freaking everyone out. I mean, they are snakes on a plane for the love-a! (Full disclosure: I am full-on eeeeeeeeeeck when it comes to snakes. Even Harvey Slytherin, the garter snake hanging out in my backyard clematis makes me lose all semblance of composure…much to the amusement of my family and neighbours).
So, we have established that there are snakes on a plane. Samuel L Jackson and a cast of other actors (who must have heard the money truck backing into their driveways to participate in this ummm, ART) try to get the snakes off the plane. With varying degrees of success. Then they do.
Fin. So what?
Well, you see, the snakes, in my world, are a metaphor for saboteurs (or gremlins, or inner critics, or resistance, or lizard brain).
Sneaky, slithery, insidious and intent on killing. Or at the very least, bringing your plane down.
It looks a little something like this:
You have this idea. This juicy, robust idea. It’s been keeping you awake for a long time now. You know that now’s the time. It’s not the perfect time - it’s the RIGHT time. You’ve done your due diligence and you are set. It’s going to blow their socks off. You envision the celebratory party, know how many cases of Veuve Cliquot you’ll need and already know what your response will be when O calls. It’s THAT good.
So you get in the plane all hopped up on adrenaline. (In the “film” the passengers were given leis before they boarded the plane. The leis were sprayed with pheromones which inconveniently made the snakes good and ravenous). Your adrenaline rouses your saboteurs. They start sniffing around and realize: holy hell…he’s about to do something. Must. Stop. Him.
They start to slither towards you….you know they’re coming and what they want.
Now what? Presumably, you’ve been told to shoot them down. Well, Samuel L tried that at first. Problem is, there are too many. They’re like, EVERYWHERE. Shoot one, another shows up. And another. And another. There’s another over there.
EEEEEEEEEECK. EEEEEEEECK. EEEEEEEEECK.
Now what?
Know that they don’t discriminate. This may not help a ton in the moment, but just as ravenous snakes will go after FBI agents, surfers, rappers (and their bodyguards), pilots and mile-high clubbers with equal voracity, so too do saboteurs go after us all. You, me, even Danielle. Oh yes.
Know what you’re up against. There are snakes and then there are SNAKES. By identifying some of the dead snakes via texted photo from a cell camera, agents at LAX were ready with the right anti-venom for all the different kinds of snake bites when the plane landed. Damage minimized.
For our purposes, this looks like doing a roll call of your own saboteurs. Not all are created equal and not all can be treated the same way. I always ask my coaching clients to note what their saboteurs love to tell them and ask them to give them some identifying traits. Names help too.
For instance: Nick the Nihilist looooooooves to point out what I can’t do. How I deal with him is very different from how I deal with my “what’s the use” Eeyore-looking saboteur.
Trust me. They look different, sound different and are equally disempowering. And lethal.
Know yours. Name yours. Describe yours. Know their stories. Know their habits. Know when they like to show up. And know their secret fears. Then use this intelligence on them mercilessly.
Get your team together. You don’t need to go it alone. Pull in every last resource available to you. Ask for help. Gather the best and the brightest. Your huge idea deserves nothing less.
And while Samuel L didn’t exactly have the best and the brightest on the plane with him, he DID have some pretty good ground support. AND, as it happened, the rapper’s bodyguard played so many flight simulator video games that he was able to land the plane. See? Never hurts to ask. Everyone has hidden talents. Ahem.
Get seriously intentional.
Or as Samuel L so eloquently articulated:
But. He didn’t say monkey or fighting or Monday or Friday (but you knew that).
Blow open the freakin’ windows. It’ll be messy. Watch your saboteurs get sucked away. Then get down to it. Do the work. Land your damned plane. We’re waiting for you on the tarmac with O’s people, Veuve Clicquot at the ready.
Fin.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Disney, Misery, Resistance, and J Crew Swimsuits
Hello there, Sunshine! Did I manage to reel you in with promises of misery or Disney? Ahh, you’ll get both. Read on. So, it seems the thing to do when a blogger’s not been blogging is to do a round-up of what’s been up. So I give you the short list:
Where I’ve been Writing Coaching Disney World (this is not a metaphor) Writing Coaching Writing Coaching Eating Easter chocolates Hitting the gym Coaching Writing Coaching
Titillating, non?
Disney, coaching, chocolates, and gym are all wonderful. And the writing, you ask? Ahhhh….the WRITING. My Board of Your Life product (that I bragged on-camera was coming along swimmingly…FAIL), and another, yet-to-be-revealed product (while I do fail often, I also learn quickly) are in “progress”. Swimmingly is ONE way of describing the process. At times it’s a great, chest-stretching, leg-strengthening, don’t-I-look-hot-in-this-JCrew-swimsuit feeling. Other times, MOST times, it’s salt-water-sucking-into-lungs-and-if-I-stop-I-will-drown agony. And I want to throw in the towel. Often.
Turns out, I am not special. Turns out, according to Steven Pressfield, I am merely in
The Belly of The Beast.
See, I’ve also been reading Pressfield’s manifesto: “Do the Work” (and I mean re-reading it because it takes, like, 50 minutes to cover it on the elliptical machine…this I know).
It’s like Pressfield hands you this field journal (and presumably a stiff shot of scotch) and says: “Kid, Resistance wants to kick your ass. Resistance wants to eat you alive. You will beat Resistance by doing the work. Do the damned work. Capiche?”
The work, of course, is different for everyone. It’s opening a restaurant, launching a product (ahem), mending a relationship, quitting smoking, running ultra-marathons across the Sahara, writing a dissertation, building the shelter. It’s all work of the heart. In Pressfield’s words: “any act that rejects immediate gratification in favor of long-term growth, health or integrity”.
Since my first go at the book, I’ve recommended it to every one of my clients in our sessions. Every one. Testosterone-y language? Oh yes. Inspiring? Mmm hmm. Motivating? You bet your sweet bippy.
So I am doing the work. I am doing the writing. I still am not in love with ALL that I’m writing, but am far less concerned about how my butt looks in this swimsuit. I will finish this swim. It’s my swim to own. There is no other way.
As I learn about my miserable relationship with the Resistance, I shift and grow how I work. In service of my work. And my hope, is that it is also in service of you and yours.
And speaking of misery and service, a client reminded me of these words by T.D. Jakes today:
“I tell you now that your ministry is where your misery has been. That same spot that made you cry and moan is where you can bring honor and healing to those who are touched with the same pain. This is the spot where your compassion will skyrocket, and you can help the next generation of victims to get out of their beds and walk.”
So here’s what I invite you to do: Know your misery. Get intimate with it. Be in the mess of it. Live with the indecision. Go deeper into it. Talk about it until you can no longer stand it. Then get up and be in service of those you seek to heal.
Heal thyself, then go heal the world, baby.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Path-charting learnings from Adele
I found myself in the curious place of holding a self-limiting, self-imposed (aren't they all?) belief that wasn't serving me. And I decided to simply let it go. Not surprisingly, flow followed. And singing. If you can't see the video, click here.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Patterns, patterns everywhere
Lately, I’ve been kind of gob-smacked by how many people are showing up on my proverbial doorstep saying “I’m fed up with the pattern I keep reliving...it’s Groundhog Day all over again. It’s painful and damned stupid. I KNOW better, I keep trying to break it, but I keep getting sucked in, and it feels bloody disempowering” (or thereabouts). They in turn, are gob-smacked when I metaphorically seize them by the shoulders, shout “HUZZAH!!!!!” and have them join me in a high-kicking folk dance. I celebrate patterns.
Here’s why: unlike pattern’s kissing cousin “stuck”, there IS a neat and tidy formula to the pattern.
Now IF someone truly desires to step out of that pattern (and that “if” deserves capitals, because not everyone really wants to leave the safety of a pattern) it’s about as easy as 1-2-3 (or 1-2-3-4-5-6-7, depending on what it is).
Here’s how.
Write out the pattern
Make it goooood, robust and juicy. Make it yours. Own it. You keep reliving it so you MUST know the steps like the back of your hand, non? Like, you could teach a course on “how to fall out of love (with a person, idea, project)” or “how to be late for every single important event”, or “botching sensible weight loss plans” or “racking up debt”. In fact, assume you ARE teaching on course on your pattern. You are the world’s leading expert on it, after all.
Here’s an example. Say you’re a blogger. And say you don’t write as often as you’d like.
Your pattern MAY be:
You get an inspired idea. A fabulous, wonderful idea. You’re a little breathless, it’s just that good.
You sit down to write. But before you put fingers to keyboard, you decide to research who else has written about your topic, juuuuust in case.
You read and read. You make notes on what others are saying about your topic. You start getting a touch grumpy as you begin to believe you don't know anything about this stuff after all.
You start to try write in your voice. It’s feeling stilted because the wind’s out of your sails. Then your saboteur voices take over: “no one’s going to read YOUR take on this topic when they can listen to THEIR take on the topic”, and “everyone’s going to know you’re a fake”.
You back away from the computer and put your attention elsewhere. You know intellectually that this should refresh you.
You come back annoyed that you haven’t posted this damned thing yet. You soften the tone of the piece to make it more palatable for a broader audience.
You close your eyes and press “publish” and think it’s shit.
No one reads it (you know this because you obsess over blog traffic), which you hold to be confirmation that you’re not a very good writer and CERTAINLY not an authority on this or any topic.
Rinse and repeat.
Not overly surprising that with a pattern this you’re not writing as often as you’d like.
Here’s the thing about pattern-busting stuff. It feels scary. This pattern has been your default for, like, forever. And busting ANYTHING has a quality of mayhem and debris.
So let’s take it down a notch and woo-woo it up by calling it pattern “shifting”.
Make shifts happen
Now consider how you can make any number of incremental shifts at any given step in the above sequence. Not necessarily radical stuff, just manageable tweaks to your approach. One or many. (NB that the examples below are not intended to be sequential...that would be crazy talk).
For instance step #1 could be deciding WHO you’re writing this piece for. If it’s you, great. If it’s your readers, fab. If it’s for your future publisher, exquisite. Get clear. This will impact the outcome. You’ll notice that immediately when you get to step #2. It may even have you skipping that step.
In step #3, perhaps you decide to research only the ONE person you know or suspect is the master voice on this topic and reference them in your post. Or ask to interview them. This may become a video and the start of something great. Who knows?
Take #4. You might decide to press post when the saboteurs are the loudest. If they’re that loud you MUST be on to something good.
Maybe the “elsewhere” in #5 is writing about something new, like say, how crappy #4 is?
In #6 maybe you ramp up your tone (not down).
Maybe you DON’T press publish in #7. Maybe you pitch the piece entirely. (Oooh, what’s THAT feel like?)
Make any ONE of these shifts and #8 will look a lot different.
No way, no how am I suggesting that any of these are the RIGHT new paths…nor are they wrong. They’re just different from what the pattern’s been to date. What I am pointing to is that you don’t need to make a radical detour to impact the outcome. One shift can unravel, short-circuit, and destabilize any pattern…no matter how strong the hold it’s had on your life to date.
That’s what you wanted, isn’t it?
So, next time you notice a pattern, write it out. Mindmap it. Scribble it. Draw it. Whatever works for you to get it out where you can see it.
Brainstorm possible shifts for every step. As subtle or as loud as you like. Then try one or two shifts next time you get your super-hot, sweat-inducing fabulous blog post idea (or decide to lose weight or draft a budget, or, or, or).
Notice how easy that was. Notice and enjoy the newness of this outcome. Notice that you get to continue to recalibrate. Notice the power’s back where we like it. In YOUR hands.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.