Articles
Your people
When you fully step into the starring role of your life, start sharing the full expression of who you are and the important work you’re creating, lots of magical things start to happen. It’s inevitable. What’s also inevitable is that some people in your life may not really understand it. And, this will likely sting a bit. No matter how self-possessed and assured we are, it will matter, even as we know it “shouldn’t”. It just does.
Your work will be in being okay with it.
They just don’t get THIS PART of you. I know how huge this part of you is. How transformative and important your work is. And how it could, quite possibly, change the world for the better. But they don’t get it.
And there’s a spectrum of not-gettingness.
There’s the “I want to get this and support you, but I don’t get it”.
Then there’s the “I don’t really get this, nor do I need to ‘cause you SEEM to have a good handle on it, so I’m not going to bother.”
And finally there’s the “I don’t get this, and never will get this and think you’re a lunatic for wasting your life in this way. And I’m going to tell you so, liberally, frequently and with derision”.
You get to choose how you want to be with these people.
You may decide to be patient with them, recognizing that you’ve been preparing for this role your whole life. They haven’t caught up. Yet.
You may decide to change their minds. You may decide to confront them and filibuster for their support.
You may decide to call them out for their derision. You may decide that this latest display of disrespect is the last in a long history of sucking your energy dry and to let them go.
However you deal with these folks, remember one final inevitability that WILL occur as you step into the starring role of your life and do your important work:
The people that GET it will show up. They are your fans, your champions and your new source of inspiration and motivation.
A couple of weeks ago, I had challenging conversations with two different people in my personal realm about my life’s work as a coach. Both conversations left me feeling isolated, a little bewildered, and admittedly, pissed off. That my work was so misunderstood, seemingly irrelevant and trivial. And then, I came back to read this post about the value of coaching from one of my beloved clients, wherein she states:
I could have named this article “Top Ten Reasons I Love Tanya Geisler.”
Validation. Blissful, important validation. Right or wrong, it felt fabulous. And it reminded me, of course, how I am indeed on the right path.
And it made me grateful. To the champions in my life. Of which I am blessed to have many.
And gratitude made way for more gratitude. As I allowed my irritation to get swept away by Dara’s generous kindness, I discovered that I was feeling grateful to the people in my life for showing up where they are, and for serving as models for how I want to treat (or not treat others) others as THEY step into the starring roles of their lives. To be more curious about other people’s work. I may not always be as sensitive as I like to hold myself. And I will continue, patiently, down that path myself.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Relearning my own lessons about Asks, Action and SNAFUs that yield to bliss
I love throwing parties. I love bringing people together. I love signature cocktails, the excuse to arrange lavish floral arrangements, and ironing the white linen napkins. I love planning the cheese tray. I love the loot bags. So yes. I love throwing parties. And I’m told by my friends that I’m pretty good at it.
It’s in the details. And possibly, the love.
Lead With Your Strengths. In All Things, Including Launches.
So, when Kelly and I discussed how to launch my happy new site (that she and Amanda done did as red+purple), she answered simply (and with what I make up would have been a “duh” expression in her eyes): throw a party.
You heard the “duh” in that too, right?
Yup. Got it.
One slight problem: how do you throw a party with no cheese tray, flowers, white linens, or cocktails?
Answer: loot bag!!
Goody goody good good. I love giving stuff away.
Problem there (party-planning’s all about problem solving, turns out): I have a pretty happy busy coaching practice and not a ton of time to give away (like I did last time). It’s a champagne problem and a reality. I have no products (yet) other than my beloved Joy Pages.
Kelly patiently pointed out that in addition to giving good party, I also make good friends.
And?
"Generous friends.”
Huh?
“Generous friends who have products.”
Blank stare.
“Generous friends who have products that your readers would want to have.”
Crickets.
“Jesus, Tanya. Ask your generous friends with products if they would give you a copy of said digital product for Swag Bag of Magnificence and then give it away to one super lucky person!”
Why would they want to do that?
“Woman. Read your own words on the topic: people want to help. ESPECIALLY your generous friends. Hell, I want to help and you haven’t even asked: so you can have a Red Shoe Blogger session”.
Right. I know this to be true. I see it time and time again.
So I write what I hope is an elegant ask of Danielle, Dyana, Pam, Jen, Carrie, Tara, Amanda, Michelle, Jamie, and Kelly. And then hold my breath.
10 asks. 10 effusive yes’s. Over $1100 of digital gorgeousness.
How did I get so lucky?
Carrie: “You got so lucky by being you.”
Stunned.
So, with the Swag Bag of Magnificence, Magnified secured, off we go our separate ways: Amanda designing, Kelly writing, Tanya party planning (and nail-biting: “what of no one shows up?”). Launch date: July 26th 2011.
Wherein the Best-Laid Launch Plan Goes Awry
Then, on July 7th, T minus 20, it happens: kablooey. My existing site blows up.
Well not really, exactly. But kinda sorta.
Let’s just say the email that I received at 6:30 that morning while at the gym read:
We are very sorry to hear your 'public_html' folder has been deleted. Unfortunately, we do not keep a backup of your files. You would need your webmaster to manually restore those files. In the future, please ensure you run the 'Backup Wizard' on a regular basis.
In other words: kablooey.
Once it’s established that no one died (this is good), and the tears and expletives have subsided, we are left with this: I am a coach without a website. There is only one solution that we can entertain: launch the new site, stat. Two weeks earlier than planned.
Did I mention Amanda 9++ months pregnant and days overdue?
Didn’t think so.
A three-day workback is drafted. It must get done. There is no time to iron the linens - paper napkins will have to do. There is no time for fear no-shows. There was no time to even get in my own damned way. The SNAFU made sure of that.
Funny thing about urgency: it tames fear and strips back to what’s essential.
And Essential is Excellent
Between Kelly, Amanda, my Rock Star VA, and I, we get it done. Amanda fixed code during contractions. I couldn’t make that up.
And it launches. And they come. BOY, do they come.
It’s a party of epic proportions.
Loving emails, tweets of congratulations, Facebook “likes” and phone calls flood in.
The results: My cheeks hurt from smiling, “thank you” has started to lose all meaning and my heart feels like it could burst. In other words: it was pure bliss.
I am grateful. I am radiant. Like my girl Kelly.
And so I’m reminded:
Ask – Clearly, sincerely, respectfully and nicely. People want to help.
Launch – Wherever you are at. Throw open the doors.
Ask – With your heart and then launch with your heart. It never fails. Nor will you.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Regiving Kindness and Laughter
To me, kindness and laughter make this gorgeous orb go round. And I suspect you believe the same.
So you KNOW that I jumped all over the chance to talk about both when the wondrous Amanda Oaks of Kind Over Matter invited me answer the following:
What small act of kindness were you once shown that you will never forget?
What was one of the funniest experiences of your life, one where you laughed from your core?
The result is a gorgeous compilation of 30 stories each of kindness and laughter (60 in all) peppered with beautiful and inspiring art. It’s called “Regiving”. Can you imagine two things that are more wondrous to regift? Me neither.
I am beyond honoured to be included in this book. I mean really…the contributors’ list is a who’s who of marvellousness. I’m in there with 29 other writers I dig and admire (like the sublimely hot-in-every-way Dyana Valentine, breathtaking Julie Daley, lustrous Jamie Ridler, sparkling Tia Singh, awesome Fabeku Fatunmise and jubilant Michelle Ward to name but a few. Seriously…I could go on: Jonathan Mead, Ev’Yan Nasman, Goddess Leonie, Susannah Conway, Kate Swoboda. Ok, ok...I’ll stop, even though I reallllllllly don't want to).
Go on and grab your copy of Regiving {affiliate link…I love it that much}.
AND, if you are so moved, in the comments below, please share YOUR never-to-be-forgotten kindness story that helped shape who you are today AND one story of laughing so hard you may have even peed (quite a common side effect, it turns out - you are not alone).
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Those lousy Snakes on a Plane
This past weekend, a friend and I subjected ourselves to some kinda camp, better known as the 2006 flick: Snakes on a Plane. If you don’t want me to spoil it for you, probably best you stop reading, ‘cause I’m a-gonna spill the dramatic arc here. (Air quotes are implied) There are snakes on a plane. They freak everyone out. How they got there (bad guys) is kind of irrelevant. They’re there and they’re freaking everyone out. I mean, they are snakes on a plane for the love-a! (Full disclosure: I am full-on eeeeeeeeeeck when it comes to snakes. Even Harvey Slytherin, the garter snake hanging out in my backyard clematis makes me lose all semblance of composure…much to the amusement of my family and neighbours).
So, we have established that there are snakes on a plane. Samuel L Jackson and a cast of other actors (who must have heard the money truck backing into their driveways to participate in this ummm, ART) try to get the snakes off the plane. With varying degrees of success. Then they do.
Fin. So what?
Well, you see, the snakes, in my world, are a metaphor for saboteurs (or gremlins, or inner critics, or resistance, or lizard brain).
Sneaky, slithery, insidious and intent on killing. Or at the very least, bringing your plane down.
It looks a little something like this:
You have this idea. This juicy, robust idea. It’s been keeping you awake for a long time now. You know that now’s the time. It’s not the perfect time - it’s the RIGHT time. You’ve done your due diligence and you are set. It’s going to blow their socks off. You envision the celebratory party, know how many cases of Veuve Cliquot you’ll need and already know what your response will be when O calls. It’s THAT good.
So you get in the plane all hopped up on adrenaline. (In the “film” the passengers were given leis before they boarded the plane. The leis were sprayed with pheromones which inconveniently made the snakes good and ravenous). Your adrenaline rouses your saboteurs. They start sniffing around and realize: holy hell…he’s about to do something. Must. Stop. Him.
They start to slither towards you….you know they’re coming and what they want.
Now what? Presumably, you’ve been told to shoot them down. Well, Samuel L tried that at first. Problem is, there are too many. They’re like, EVERYWHERE. Shoot one, another shows up. And another. And another. There’s another over there.
EEEEEEEEEECK. EEEEEEEECK. EEEEEEEEECK.
Now what?
Know that they don’t discriminate. This may not help a ton in the moment, but just as ravenous snakes will go after FBI agents, surfers, rappers (and their bodyguards), pilots and mile-high clubbers with equal voracity, so too do saboteurs go after us all. You, me, even Danielle. Oh yes.
Know what you’re up against. There are snakes and then there are SNAKES. By identifying some of the dead snakes via texted photo from a cell camera, agents at LAX were ready with the right anti-venom for all the different kinds of snake bites when the plane landed. Damage minimized.
For our purposes, this looks like doing a roll call of your own saboteurs. Not all are created equal and not all can be treated the same way. I always ask my coaching clients to note what their saboteurs love to tell them and ask them to give them some identifying traits. Names help too.
For instance: Nick the Nihilist looooooooves to point out what I can’t do. How I deal with him is very different from how I deal with my “what’s the use” Eeyore-looking saboteur.
Trust me. They look different, sound different and are equally disempowering. And lethal.
Know yours. Name yours. Describe yours. Know their stories. Know their habits. Know when they like to show up. And know their secret fears. Then use this intelligence on them mercilessly.
Get your team together. You don’t need to go it alone. Pull in every last resource available to you. Ask for help. Gather the best and the brightest. Your huge idea deserves nothing less.
And while Samuel L didn’t exactly have the best and the brightest on the plane with him, he DID have some pretty good ground support. AND, as it happened, the rapper’s bodyguard played so many flight simulator video games that he was able to land the plane. See? Never hurts to ask. Everyone has hidden talents. Ahem.
Get seriously intentional.
Or as Samuel L so eloquently articulated:
But. He didn’t say monkey or fighting or Monday or Friday (but you knew that).
Blow open the freakin’ windows. It’ll be messy. Watch your saboteurs get sucked away. Then get down to it. Do the work. Land your damned plane. We’re waiting for you on the tarmac with O’s people, Veuve Clicquot at the ready.
Fin.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Disney, Misery, Resistance, and J Crew Swimsuits
Hello there, Sunshine! Did I manage to reel you in with promises of misery or Disney? Ahh, you’ll get both. Read on. So, it seems the thing to do when a blogger’s not been blogging is to do a round-up of what’s been up. So I give you the short list:
Where I’ve been Writing Coaching Disney World (this is not a metaphor) Writing Coaching Writing Coaching Eating Easter chocolates Hitting the gym Coaching Writing Coaching
Titillating, non?
Disney, coaching, chocolates, and gym are all wonderful. And the writing, you ask? Ahhhh….the WRITING. My Board of Your Life product (that I bragged on-camera was coming along swimmingly…FAIL), and another, yet-to-be-revealed product (while I do fail often, I also learn quickly) are in “progress”. Swimmingly is ONE way of describing the process. At times it’s a great, chest-stretching, leg-strengthening, don’t-I-look-hot-in-this-JCrew-swimsuit feeling. Other times, MOST times, it’s salt-water-sucking-into-lungs-and-if-I-stop-I-will-drown agony. And I want to throw in the towel. Often.
Turns out, I am not special. Turns out, according to Steven Pressfield, I am merely in
The Belly of The Beast.
See, I’ve also been reading Pressfield’s manifesto: “Do the Work” (and I mean re-reading it because it takes, like, 50 minutes to cover it on the elliptical machine…this I know).
It’s like Pressfield hands you this field journal (and presumably a stiff shot of scotch) and says: “Kid, Resistance wants to kick your ass. Resistance wants to eat you alive. You will beat Resistance by doing the work. Do the damned work. Capiche?”
The work, of course, is different for everyone. It’s opening a restaurant, launching a product (ahem), mending a relationship, quitting smoking, running ultra-marathons across the Sahara, writing a dissertation, building the shelter. It’s all work of the heart. In Pressfield’s words: “any act that rejects immediate gratification in favor of long-term growth, health or integrity”.
Since my first go at the book, I’ve recommended it to every one of my clients in our sessions. Every one. Testosterone-y language? Oh yes. Inspiring? Mmm hmm. Motivating? You bet your sweet bippy.
So I am doing the work. I am doing the writing. I still am not in love with ALL that I’m writing, but am far less concerned about how my butt looks in this swimsuit. I will finish this swim. It’s my swim to own. There is no other way.
As I learn about my miserable relationship with the Resistance, I shift and grow how I work. In service of my work. And my hope, is that it is also in service of you and yours.
And speaking of misery and service, a client reminded me of these words by T.D. Jakes today:
“I tell you now that your ministry is where your misery has been. That same spot that made you cry and moan is where you can bring honor and healing to those who are touched with the same pain. This is the spot where your compassion will skyrocket, and you can help the next generation of victims to get out of their beds and walk.”
So here’s what I invite you to do: Know your misery. Get intimate with it. Be in the mess of it. Live with the indecision. Go deeper into it. Talk about it until you can no longer stand it. Then get up and be in service of those you seek to heal.
Heal thyself, then go heal the world, baby.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Path-charting learnings from Adele
I found myself in the curious place of holding a self-limiting, self-imposed (aren't they all?) belief that wasn't serving me. And I decided to simply let it go. Not surprisingly, flow followed. And singing. If you can't see the video, click here.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.