You are a Star — no matter what Role that takes.
My brilliant friend Tara McMullin said this upon reading my latest article this week.
Sidebar: did you read it? Did you see that picture of six-year old me in my drug store barrette and Bert + Ernie inspired turtleneck with my splayed front teeth from sucking my thumb? Yeah. I think she pretty fabulous too. Onward.
Tara said this:
“I don’t think you/your work are for the people who don’t want to be Stars. What I love about this story is that the Angel probably ISN’T the star of the pageant to everyone, right? Some people think the star is Mary. Others Joseph. Others the baby. Hell, I’m sure someone thinks the wise man who brings myrrh is the star. You had your eye on the role you wanted and saw as the most important cog in the wheel.
You’re not here to help people be more confident as an extra or the 3rd shepherd. You’re here for the people who choose to be a Star, no matter what role that takes.”
(You know that feeling that angels — heh — are singing because someone has articulated the thing that is too close for you to be able to see, much less articulate? THAT. And that IS the gift of Tara.)
She is right about my work.
The Star of the show for you, in fact may be the Director.
Or Joseph.
Or Craft Services.
Or the Ticket Taker.
Or the Star (you know...the Star of Bethlehem).
Or the Casting Director who pulls the peeing child off the stage (you’ll just have to read it.)
That IS the point.
And the question then is… will you step in?
Thank you Tammy Martin for pointing me towards this fabulous TED talk on understanding privilege and how abstract math can help us discern contexts.
I’m excited to be a part of Jo Casey’s The Messy Meaningful Business Project this April.
Jo takes a strong stand for building beautiful and sustainable businesses that do not necessarily look like the highly curated IG feeds we see. She is all about building businesses that get loved into being NOT through burnout and resentment, but rather meaningfully, sustainably, and non-manipulatively. That are about helping… not hustling. And I’m HERE for it.
I’m excited to learn from the folx she has gathered… and will be sharing my own (winding) path to creating a business I love that loves me back. And we’d love for you to join us.
Thank you Lacy Boggs and Sarah for making sure I saw this bite of shining brilliance.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez using the Impostor Complex to roast the preposterous Sen Mike Lee was giving me LIFE this week. More here.
Less writing and more sweating this week, it would seem. I’m landing the plane on my book title. Writing 100,000+ words was easy. Writing three for a title, seven for a subtitle and ten for a reading line? Excruciating. Send help. Or a deep breath.
I am celebrating this article that my pal Deb Nicholson shared about Julia Child’s kitchen. It has been a sweet reminder of the many sweet (and savoury) debates I had with my father about kitchen organization. Form vs function (he was a peg-board man too), the marble pastry board, the work triangle, task lighting, the magic of the multi-use Cuisinart (we still have theirs from the ‘80s) AND the appreciation of single-use gadgets (asparagus peeler! ravioli press!). Appreciation...yes. That’s it. And so, I’m reminded that it’s time to pull out the family copper pots and to not only display them, but to USE them. Because, LIFE… right? So I’ll be paging my friend and award-winning designer, Melissa Peretti, for help with the displaying. (MP has made my office gorgeous, styles my events with great flair, and is about to embark on my bedroom facelift. She does online design so… hire her.)
AND
I’m STILL celebrating being RIGHT about you all. When I asked if you would fill out a quick survey to make my nerdiest dream come true — which is to have a data model of my Impostor Complex work created — you showed UP! Thank you beyond thank you.
Hootsuite now has THREE TIMES the data sets needed to create the model. Cannot wait to share what they come up with.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
The Patinaed Path...a Poem...and a Way
A million years—or perhaps it was only a hot second ago—I wrote this poem over at Bentlily.
It’s calling me home again, so I figured it was time to share it with you.
THE PATINAED PATH
Beneath layers of patina,
There is a path.
Waiting to be revealed.
To you.
Unspoiled soil
Latent with grace.
Patiently,
It waits.
Yearning to yawn,
For you alone.
As you confer with stars, maps and seers,
It waits.
Willing you to heed the wisdom of your heart.
The only cartographer that matters.
Desiring to gift you with glories untold.
Ever loving, ever bountiful.
In your time.
On your way.
For you alone.
It waits.
Yes indeed.
For you alone. It waits.
Nic Strack is some kind of human. The best kind of human. Empathetic. Hilarious. WIIIIIIIIIIISE. Badass. Deep. Compassionate. Tender. Fierce.
It was my supreme joy to watch their (continued!) unfolding last year in the Starring Role Academy.
And watching them shine in their most glorious truth is WHEW. Fire.
Nic has just created and released a new resource over at NicStrack.com called 10 Motherhood Truths Nobody Talks about… and Why They Matter.
I may be well-past the days of new parenthood, but the overarching theme of their work continues to reign supreme in my realm:
"The relationship you have with your Self defines the relationship you have with your child."
Check out their body of work at NicStrack.com. You’re welcome.
I was right last week when I said that I was celebrating the way you, MY PEOPLE have risen to my invitation to fill out this suuuuuper short survey. You did. You really did. And we have one more week before I’m submitting the results to Hootsuite. (Honestly, I cannot wait.) Thank you thank you thank you.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Help me make my nerdiest dreams come true?
“Your people want you to succeed, let them help you,” is one of my most foundational beliefs.
As ever, not EVERYONE wants you to succeed. But YOUR people do.
And when YOUR people say they want to help, for sure and for real, you best let them help you.
Because another one of my most foundational beliefs is this: THIS is bigger than you.
You can feel that, right?
You can feel that in trying to contain the BIGNESS of what you are here to do you may well, and I say this with great love, be containing it.
And we don’t want that.
There are far too many people containing far too many things.
So.
(I’m going somewhere here.)
Last November, I had the pleasure of speaking with a group of folx at Hootsuite about the Impostor Complex. Specifically around helping them to hunt it down so they can deepen into their commitment of diversity and inclusion across all levels of the organization.
Their questions were fabulous and quite in-depth. That’s what these sessions do...bring out the in-depth.
(Reason #7684 I adore speaking as much as I do.)
Specifically, they wanted to understand the STRUCTURE of the Impostor Complex. Like, how specific behavioural traits related to specific lies which related to the Unshakeable Confidence model.
In truth, I almost cried.
You see, I am not a visual person and the fact that I’ve managed to get as far as I have describing the complexities of the IC in 2D is something to be proud of...but there is an entire UNIVERSE of intricacies and interconnections that I see and cannot articulate.
So, I said as much.
And just like that, they offered to help me with data modeling.
ME.
Hootsuite has offer to help ME with data modeling.
Why?
Because...this is bigger than me.
And Hootsuite knows it.
So I am IN.
And I need you.
Will you please fill out this suuuuper short survey for me? Entirely anonymous, to be certain.
It will help craft and create the model that I’ve been dreaming of, A Beautiful Mind style, for coming up on a decade.
I’m excited.
I’m honoured.
It feels like my nerdiest dream come true.
You are my people. Will you help me?
Thank you in advance.
Thank you thank you.
I went ahead and made myself a whole host of new friends last week when I went to Madison, Wisconsin (including someone who I THINK is an angel named Dwight...but more on him at a later date.)
But one of my newest favourite people is Dina Nina Martinez, a comedian who led a workshop on Humour and the Impostor Complex.
She is as hilarious as she is wise and I am excited to be taking her class today on Trans & Gender Identity 101 (which is the first in a series of four workshops).
In her words: “Maneuvering an ever changing world full of gender and identity politics can be difficult and confusing. This workshop will provide you with the information you need to esteem those who are transgender and gender non-conforming in your life and your organization.”
Join me today at 2p EST. (These are not affiliate links.)
Absolutely LOVED my interview with Thais Sky.
Discernment is my love language and Thais is FLUENT in it. We had plenty of depths to explore as we unpacked the lies of the Impostor Complex, as well as starting to unravel the narrative inside of us telling us we cannot step into our starring role. We explored intimacy, integrity, relationships and practicing discernment. It was...glorious. You can catch it here.
A client said this to me a couple of weeks ago and it really landed in smack dab into my heart. "If I'm the only person who really and truly gets the full complement and intricacies of my inner workings and power, then I guess I better start listening to myself."
Does it land with you? Does it have you get closer to the middle of your being? To the centre of your essence?
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
White Women Facing their Racism
Hello to all of you cherished readers.
I have a super quick note for those of you on my list who identify as white women.
I had intended to share with you an invitation to a conversation I’ll be having next week in Madison, Wisconsin with my friend and colleague Sara Alvarado.
In Sara’s words: “it’s an evening of truth-telling and a brave space to explore the impact of our whiteness and challenge the ways in which we were raised and continue to be part of the problem. This affinity group is for women who identify as white and who are ready to get honest, face their racism, and put their privilege into action in the service of justice. #RealTalk”
But since she announced the event last week, the tickets are already sold out.
Clearly, there is a need. As if there was any doubt. (And there wasn’t.)
AND, I am still sharing it because Sara has done a brilliant job articulating why we’re doing it, and though you won’t be able to join us, she lays out some thoughts on what you can do as part of your anti-racism efforts and commitments. Because, as my friend and coach Desiree Adaway teaches, awareness without analysis, action, and accountability is not enough.
Sara writes:
Why an event for white women only?
Because white women need to be doing their work and this is a place to face whiteness with vulnerability and honesty. No holding back. People of color know whiteness better than most white people and it can be harmful for people of color to have to listen to white people examine their white privilege, their white savior complex, and learn to see how white supremacy is alive within. We want to create less harm. This is not a space where we will learn about black and brown people in their absence. This is not a space where we will teach cultural competency or history. There are teachers of color that we recommend for that. This is where white women can speak without worrying if what they say will be wrong or hurtful. This is how we learn to be better and do better. Not on our own, but with people who are willing to hold each other accountable and challenge each other.
Why are you charging for this event?
Because white people need to invest in their anti-racism work. I don't believe it should be free. I also don't feel comfortable benefiting financially. This is my work in the world and people's lives are at stake. Silence is killing people. Communities of color face horrific injustices. Inaction, ignorance, and fear of doing it wrong is delaying the progress for racial equity. I learned I was part of the problem and realized the only way to be part of the solution was to make it a priority in my life. Yes, tickets are $25, but the money goes to paying the hard costs only, not to the white women involved. Any additional money earned will be donated to Freedom Inc.
If I can't come to this event, what can I do?
Commit to educating yourself about whiteness based on where you are at on your own racial justice journey. Ideas to consider: read Robin DiAngelo's book, White Fragility or So You Want To Talk About Race, by Ijeoma Oluo. Find a class online or a seminar or a conference to attend. Push past your comfort zone. Check with your local YWCA or the White Privilege Conference in March. Download Layla Saad's Me and White Supremacy Workbook (for free) and gather some friends together to go through the workbook together. Sign up for my free email series, Conversations about Race. Tune into the podcast Code Switch by NPR.
Read more.
Educate yourself.
Listen.
Discuss.
Journal.
Make it a priority.
Always be conscious of the people you are following, the music you are buying, the podcasts you are listening to, the books you are reading, the conversations you are having, the articles you are sharing, the beliefs you aren't challenging, the advice you are accepting, the words you are using, the professionals you are hiring, the clothes you are wearing, the thoughts you are thinking, the stereotypes you are speaking, the implicit biases you are influenced by, and the love in your heart.
Like Desiree says, we only get free together.
PS - If you’re in or around Madison, you can catch me at The Social Change Forum on February 28. The conversations will be rich, propulsive, and remarkable and I would LOVE to see you there!
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
This isn’t about a bikini. But also? It’s kind of about a bikini.
On Monday, I came across an image in my new pal Elizabeth Dialto’s Instagram feed. (You can hear us really MEET, heart to heart, here for the very first time late last year.) She snapped it on a beach in Condado, Puerto Rico and I’m sharing with her permission.
"::GOALS::
I want to be rocking a juicy, bronze, leathery ass, swimming in the ocean and enjoying beaches with the love of my life when I’m old. Thank you and Amen 🙌🏼🧡🍑👵🏽👴🏽✨👏🏽👏🏽"
So good, right?
I had actually just finished up my woo-woo practice of setting intentions for the month to come.
Note to my readers who are not well-versed in the language of the woo: Monday was a new moon which is a super powerful time to plant the seeds of your desires. Like farmers used to (still?) do as the moon’s gravitational pull is strongest so the moisture comes up to the top of the soil... making it easier to plant said seeds. (Luscious metaphor, right?)
In any case, my intentions and desires had been cast, or, erm, planted. They were pretty work/business-specific interspersed with wishes for my family and beloveds and for my activism and learning. Which is all well and good. Of course.
But this image, E’s words, really stopped me. And I kept coming back to them. Over and over and over again.
Because yes.
That confidence.
That sense of play.
When all is said and done, that’s what I want. A life well-lived, enjoyed, and relished.
That’s a lot of meaning in that there Brazilian bikini.
And I noticed as I went about my evening, roasted the chicken, went to the gym with my family, then flopped out on the couch to continue our Parks and Recreation marathon that I kept having this one thought:
How old would I need to be to have the confidence to strut in that bikini?
(Like I said. This isn’t about a bikini. But also? It’s kind of about a bikini.)
Interestingly, in the nine-month program I am leading, we are currently trying on the different ROLES that we want to step into... the ones that will really rankle the Impostor Complex so that we can learn the process to overcome it time and time again. And the metaphor we use is that we are “trying ON the Roles." You know… like a gown or a suit or an armour. Feeling where it’s a stretch. Or too tight. Or just right.
So that’s what I’ve been speaking into as folx are struggling with the hems of “Leader” or the cut of “CEO." We want things to fit immediately, but we need to move around in them some to see how they’ll work with our actual lives.
And I found myself saying these words:
“I can try on a bodycon dress and not be ready to walk out the door and stop traffic in it. YET. But if I like how it fits and like how it feels, even though it won't work with me when I am on stage or visiting a sick friend on her farm, I can imagine a time that I know that I am CAPABLE of wearing said bodycon dress that stops traffic... and that may be enough for the moment. Because in time, it ceases being about the dress, and becomes only about the confidence to wear whatever the hell we damned well please.”
And that’s it, right?
The confidence to wear whatever we damned well please.
End metaphor.
Because it’s also about having the confidence to step into, eat, create, ask for, name, claim, lobby for whatever we damned well please.
Is it going to feel weird the first time the sun hits your butt cheeks? Or the first time you say no to her? Or the first time you bring social activism into your classroom?
Of course it is.
But I guarantee there is no magical age that unlocks that confidence.
Buy the bikini.
Ask for the work.
Tell the truth.
NOW.
And then strut like you mean it.
I know I will.
Don’t you love learning how things work? I do too.
Which is why I broke down HOW the Impostor Complex works.
How it tried to keep us alone and isolated. How it tries to have us doubt our capacity. And how it tries to keep us out of action. I also wrote about how Following Through is inextricably linked to Integrity. (Which is inextricably linked to Unshakeable Confidence. See how this all works?)
AND... I want you to know that my brilliant friend Vanessa Mentor’s new digital home is alive and well and is an exquisite offering to Living Unrestrained. And so is she. In her words: “The feminine code of conduct is a set of predefined cultural and societal rules, demands, and expectations (rooted in Patriarchy and Colonialism) on what’s appropriate and good for women.” Find her work here.
I had a blast talking with Brittany on the Classy on the Outside podcast. This conversation was really all about gathering your people.
And Naomi of The Lifestyle Edit and I got deep into the lies of the Impostor Complex.
Did you know that Dolly Parton turned down Elvis Presley’s ask to record "I Will Always Love You" because he insisted on 50% of the publishing rights? *swoon*
Dolly is my model of shining bright in her badassery. Then as now. (I wonder if she wears a bikini.)
Flowers. I am celebrating all the flowers.
And friends who remind me that I have them on speed dial.
The beauty astounds.
Today’s count?
181,833
But the best words I wrote this week were these:
“Stop hoarding your good shit.”
Just...stop. Commit. Follow through. We are waiting.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Something's old, something's new in this Friday Finale
Tired of all the New Year hype and energy yet? Me too. AND me neither.
Both, and.
Just the way we roll around here.
Tired of it because as we say in French, plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.
Oui. Certes.
But there is a way in which things get a little sharper after the softness of the holiday season. An ascetic quality that strips things back to their essentials that I find both bracing and entirely welcome. For ME. This year.
Both, and.
I’m taking a hard look at numbers. All of them - knowing that they do not define me.
I’m taking a hard look at what works. (A lot.) And getting honest about what doesn’t. (A lot.) Calibrating from there.
I could tell you about the clearing and deepening and softening into more devotional spaces in my life, business, relationships, body, and body of work that I’m doing, but I’m not ready to do so yet because I haven’t shown myself yet the full complement of what I’m capable of. At least, not for what I’ve got my eye on.
But I will. As I do.
In doing some of the tinkering that January has asked of me, I am revamping, ever so slightly, this Friday Finale.
You can continue to expect a letter from me. But the subsections will be shifting some.
Debuting will contain new and noteworthy things that I have created or others have created that I think you ought to know about.
Starring will let you know where I’ve been and what stages you might find me on. INCLUDING weekly Facebook Lives happening on Wednesdays at noon EST. (Make sure you’re connected with me there to hop in and get your Q’s A’d.)
Celebration continues to be celebration. Pure, simple, unadulterated celebration. Of life, of a good tomato, of a win, or of a life-shifting conversation. All if it.
In the Spotlight will shine the light on folx I feel are the embodiment of having stepped into their Starring Roles. Whether I know them or not. Because honestly... don’t we all need a little more of that kind of inspiration?
And finally, because so many of you have been asking for this, I give you:
Backstage which will be all about the progress that I’m making on my book. Snippets for those of you who have wanted to get your eyes on the words that are slowly but surely finding their way into book form this year... THIS YEAR. You heard me? I know I did. It’s ON.
Whether you adhere to January’s austerity or bow to your own process, I sense that you are doing your own clearing, clarifying, and calibration.
Go gently and go strong.
Both, and.
This week, I broke down how the Impostor Complex wants us to go alone. (If you didn’t get a chance to read it, here’s the upshot: don’t let it. Because it is an illusion that any of us need to go any of this alone.) Next week, I’ll be shining the light on the second objective of the Impostor Complex. The one that has you doubt your capacity. Like, when you downplay your successes and chalk them up to luck, fluke, or timing… you know the drill.
I am super excited to be speaking at the 2019 Social Change Forum hosted by Project Kinect in Madison, WI in February. The heart and thought and energy that Gregg Potter is pouring into this is palpable and I intend to BRING IT. Raise your hands up high where I can see them, my Wisconsin friends!
I think a lot about Caroline McHugh’s quote in an exquisite and well-circulated article about the collective grief around Prince's death a couple of years back.
“[There] are individuals who managed to figure out the unique gift that the universe gave them when they incarnated, and they put that in the service of their goals…
And when we see these people, we invariably call them larger than life. Life is large, but most of us don’t take up nearly the space the universe intended for us. We take up this wee space ‘round our toes, which is why when you see somebody in the full flow of their humanity, it’s remarkable. They’re at least a foot bigger in every direction than normal human beings, and they shine, they gleam, they glow. It’s like they swallowed the moon.”
So this new section is devoted to the folx who look like they have swallowed the moon. Whether they have fully stepped into their Starring Roles, are living out their Brand of Joy, are staring down their Impostor Complex, or are embodying Unshakeable Confidence.
Here’s some level setting:
Fare thee well, Mary Oliver. Thank you for your heart and your words and your brutal and exquisite honesty.
“To live in this world you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go.” - Mary Oliver, 9/10/1935 - 1/17/2019
This is a passage of my book that I completed this week. It will be a dedication to someone who has influenced me and inspired me in the most quiet and powerful way.
On a long drive home from the east coast one August day not so very long ago, we were in that sweet and comfortable wordless space that comes from plenty of time spent together. Nothing needed to be said. Natalie Merchant crooned softly about River Phoenix as we coasted through the White Mountains in Vermont on our way back home to Canada.
Present to my current joy but with an eye on the year to come, my mind kept playing out what’s next in my business, turning over options and vetting my excitement level. Wondering when I’d FINALLY make time to write my book. This book.
We pulled into the teensiest border outpost I’ve ever seen. Out came the border guard from her hut that was on the passengers’ side. My side. A tiny black woman with close-cropped hair, and dancing eyes. She asked my husband, Greg the requisite questions about alcohol and purchases. He answered. She nodded, then tilted her head towards me and looked me straight in the eye. Something new appeared in her face. An unforgettable blend of curiosity and deep knowing. She asked me when my book would finally get written.
Dumbfounded, I sputtered that I hoped soon.
She said, I hope so too, Honey. The world needs it.
She then shook her head as if to break the spell, and waved us through.
Over the past years, as I wrote and fretted and sweated and edited, I’ve never forgotten that look on her face. Divinely guided. She knew. She just knew.
So, thank you, Vermont Border Guard. Thank you for listening to the Angels that whispered the words I needed to hear. I’m coming for you, this very book in my hand. I hope you’re a hugger.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Checking in on those Grief Strategies (Video)
In last week’s Friday Finale, I shared that this is a tricky number of days on the calendar.
And I’ve heard from scores of you that this has been true for you as well.
You’ve also shared the beautiful ways you have dealt with your griefs and I have been truly grateful. In fact, some of your ideas have found their way into MY ways of navigating the grief.
I’ve been stress-testing the strategies I mentioned in last week’s Friday Finale:
Forging new traditions.
Plans to review investment and philanthropic strategies.
Assembling the Cast.
Asking for what I need.
Focusing on more of more and less on less.
As I type this, it’s December 27. The day my Mom passed in 2004. And the day my father signed over Power of Attorney to me in 2017.
Tricky, to be sure.
Also physically tricky as I’ve sprained my middle finger (metaphor for much of 2018, perhaps.)
So I’ve opted to shoot you a video for my accountability check-in (run time: approximately 15 minutes).
As you release that which needs to be released from 2018 and welcome in the new of 2019, I wish you more of what you wish more of and less of what you wish less of. And invite you to pay attention to what is receiving the gift of said precious and finite attention.
I've got some big plans for 2019 that I can’t wait to share with you, so I’ll see you on the other side of 2018, mmkay?
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
I find it helpful…
I find it helpful to know somebody I think the world of somewhere is trying to get rid of an earworm.
I also find it helpful...
...to remember that most everyone is in denial about their current age.
...to listen to stories of barriers people that don’t look like me face so I can dial down my judgment and ramp up my resolve.
...to know that everyone gets interrupted by someone. And it is annoying, but it doesn’t mean as much as we make it out to mean.
...to remember that everyone needs comfort.
...to remember that the patriarchy wins when we spend time tearing ourselves and each other down...instead of the patriarchy. (Distinction ahoy: I’m not talking about calling in. I’m talking about tearing down.)
...to be reminded that there are no actual experts in anything but our own lives.
...to see that sometimes even when it feels right, it is still technically wrong. (Fifth clap in the Friends theme song, anyone?)
...to know that no matter how long I live, I will still find out stuff that I can’t believe I didn’t know. It’s true: You know more than you think and you will never know it all. Me too.
...to appreciate that there will be moments of grace found in the way the sun bathes an object with golden light so startling that you will be brought to your knees. No matter what thought preceded the moment.
...to remember that we are all cool kids in someone else’s eyes.
...to see that I have done incredible things. And I will continue to do so. As long as I keep showing up. And learning. And recalibrating. And staying open. And receiving the help. Because I sure as shit didn’t do any of it entirely alone.
...to keep coming back to the fact that our teachers and ancestors must to be acknowledged. Give thanks.
...to remember that I will not remember the worry in my heart that I was holding when I was on the couch and her feet were tucking into my knees...but I will remember the feeling of her feet in my knees.
...to remember there is a big difference between getting noticed and being seen.
...to know, really know, that self love is when we love ourselves...but self care is when we prove it.
...to see that We all assume the worst the best we can.
...to remember that I am not my thoughts. I am not my thoughts. I am not my thoughts. AND YET. Sometimes those thoughts are rooted in very real fears. So...both. And.
...to always keep in mind that no matter who they are, from Maya Angelou to John Lennon. From Lupita Nyong'o to Albert Einstein...if you’re up to amazing things, you WILL experience the Impostor Complex. And the only way through is some magical combination that only you can conjure of rooting into your capacity, meeting the critics, gathering your people and hours lived.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Not the helpful post on navigating grief over the holidays I THOUGHT I would write...
Earlier this week, I shared on Insta Stories that I was intent on writing out some tips to how to navigate grief over the holidays.
I had grand plans to give you the Solid Top Five That Really Work™. That would be most useful and helpful to you. Now and always.
These are MY ways of managing my own grief this holiday season.
Forging new traditions.
Plans to review investment and philanthropic strategies.
Assembling the Cast.
Asking for what I need.
Focusing on more of more and less on less.
And they DO work.
Or at least, they have held so far.
But the truth is, we are just now on top of the dates that are and will be the hardest for me to be with. So I’m still in the messy middle of it all.
Backing up.
My mother died December 27, 2004.
Backing up.
She went into cardiac arrest on December 18, 2004.
Backing up.
She was on “day release” from the hospital. It was supposed to be the day she would be well enough to do the shopping she had missed out on and other Christmas things (Christmas is our tradition). But since it had become clear that she was going to spend Christmas in the hospital and likely for a spell longer than we had anticipated, she asked us to come by the house and tend to the things she wanted tending to that she was concerned weren’t happening while she was “away." (Away sounds so much lovelier, doesn’t it? Like she was at a spa in Arizona, rather than stuck in a stale hospital room while her team of care tried to figure out which one of her failing organs needed to be addressed next.)
My sister and I spent the day ironing linens and fussing about her. I lotioned her frail and thin-skinned feet. She was swathed in the fuchsia mohair afghan I had knitted. Dad served her the oysters my brother-in-law had ordered in from a friend in Nova Scotia. She smiled wanly as we scolded her when she smoked her cigarettes. I think I want to feel badly about this, but I don’t. My sister and I left before my husband Greg did. He stayed behind to help Dad get Mom into the car when it was time for her to go “back”. I don’t remember the last words I said to her. Nor hers to me. Probably “I love you. I love you very much.” I may have even sung her our song. Maybe she sang it back.
Greg told me later that when he was helping her down the stairs, she looked very frightened. I can’t recall if she actually told him that or not. I’ll ask him later tonight.
My sister and I were back at my house, talking but not really. Greg came home and poured us all drinks. He and I would be heading to a holiday party shortly. My sister was going to stay over and take care of our 8-month old. I was putting on some sparkly brown eyeliner - the kind I would only ever wear to a holiday party - when the call came in. From my Dad.
She had gone into cardiac arrest on the car ride back to the hospital.
At that moment, our friends arrived to walk us over to the party. I don’t remember what I said. I’ll ask them tomorrow night.
There’s not much more to say about that horrific night.
She went into a coma.
The next week was spent... there’s not much more to say about that horrific week.
But it became clearer and clearer she wasn’t coming “back." No matter what plans my Dad had for making the house more accessible. No matter what deals he tried to make with his God. No matter... anything.
The doctors wanted her to get through Christmas. Meaning, they didn’t want her to die on Christmas because they knew that grief would be inextricably linked with that celebration.
So, she died on the 27th. The irony, of course, is that my sister and I took up smoking that week. We were all outside with our rediscovered habit when she died. We came back to her room to see a nurse covering her with a sheet. The nurse had tears in her eyes. She had just lost family to the tsunami in Indonesia. She and my father hugged.
I don’t recall if I told my brother-in-law that those oysters were the last thing she ate. I’ll ask him on Christmas Day.
Going forward.
My dying father finally signed the Power of Attorney over to me on December 27, 2017. There’s not much more to say about that horrific day.
He died on January 3, 2018. I do remember his last words: “I love you. I love you very much.”
Here now.
So yes.
Forging new traditions.
Plans to review investment and philanthropic strategies.
Assembling the Cast.
Asking for what I need.
Focusing on more of more and less on less.
So far, they are holding strong.
I’m allowing for the grief when she shows up. Pouring her a tea when I can, and pushing her away when I can’t.
And we’ll see how said strategies hold for the days to come.
But here’s what I promise: I’ll keep working on the strategies to help me with my grief and I’ll let you know how it goes next Friday.
Do we have a deal?
In the meantime, please know this:
I am profoundly grateful to you. For your time and attention. For your thoughtfulness and kindness. For your ideas and comments and questions. For letting me know how my work and life and business helps you in your work and life and business. It’s everything.
And I want deeply on your behalf. I am wishing you love, joy, and peace. And for you to navigate any and all of the grief that you hold in your heart with care. Any and ALL.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
This may be the last time we offer the Starring Role Academy.
Happy Friday, All!
I’m dead-smack in the middle of the launch of my 2019 Starring Role Academy which begins in January and, Honey? I am tiiiiiiiiiired. I’m excited and delighted by who has shown up and cannot wait to see who is yet to step in and UP in 2019.
But I’m tired, so I’ve taken a mid-week break and a stretch to rest and allow something to come to light that was only a shadow in the periphery before.
2019 will be the final cohort of the Starring Role Academy exactly as it is. It will be different in 2020 IF we rerun it. Not because it isn't the best thing (next to co-creating my Kid) that I've ever created, but rather, it's telling me it wants to shift.
And I pay impeccable attention to my vision.
My vision scares me, to be certain. It’s asking me to leave behind something that I know like the back of my hand. It’s asking more of me than I ever (thought I) have had to give. It’s demanding and relentless and unyielding. And I am obedient to her. Like I have been all along. That’s what Integrity looks like, for me.
It’s uncomfortable.
Two inextricably linked and irrevocably certain truths:
I can’t afford to allow the Impostor Complex to have me whittle back on my vision any more than you can.
To lose myself in people-pleasing.
To allow my boundaries to bend to the will of others.
To be shut down by comparison.
To dim my light for fear of hitting up against anyone else’s limits for me. (Naw. I’ll be tending to my light, thankyouverymuch.)
To avoid the potential risk in procrastination.
To stay locked in the confoundingly circular game of ready when perfect which really means perfect when ready.
So I’m doing what I beseech my clients, my readers, my friends, and everyone who has yet to fully step into their vision.
I’m coming back to all the times I’ve stood here before, on the discomfiting precipice. I’ve seen this vista before. I know the undulations of the landscape and remember the wind across my face.
Do you?
There is a time and a space between. It is an uncomfortable space to be certain.
This discomfort only lasts as long as you choose to stand here.
There are no launch codes to your life, your art, your movement. There is just the decision.
So, let’s jump.
If you are wanting to work with me in 2019, the Starring Role Academy is the only way to do so longer-term, as I am going to be focused on giving my all to the glorious Lights in the Starring Role Academy, getting my book done, and committing to the In the Spotlight with Tanya Geisler podcast which is already taking on a life of its own (and we haven’t even relaunched it). And bringing my vision’s wishes to life. Because... I can’t not.
What jump are you making in 2019? Tell me. I want to know.
I’m not allowed to read Michelle Obama’s new book because there have been winks and head jerks and nudges every time I mention it that have me guessing that a certain 14-year-old in my house may have used her babysitting bucks to make sure it’s under the tree for me.
But. AND, you know I’m devouring everything about the book EXCEPT the book. And my inbox is full of folx sharing press tour articles about Queen MO talking about her Impostor Complex (she calls it “Syndrome," but okay) So far, this super quick Jezebel read has been my favourite. She straight up calls it: “That whole ‘so you can have it all.’ Nope, not at the same time. That’s a lie. And it’s not always enough to lean in, because that shit doesn’t work all the time.”
Unless you come from great privilege.
Her crucial strategy to overcoming the Impostor Complex? "Finding support from people who believed in her after a high school guidance counselor told her she 'was not Princeton material.'"
Not everyone wants you to succeed. But YOUR PEOPLE do. Let them help you.
PLEASE.
Curious to see how the Impostor Complex coping mechanisms of people-pleasing, leaky boundaries, comparison, diminishment, procrastination, and perfectionism uniquely work against you when it comes to self-development work LIKE the Starring Role Academy? I’ve been unpacking this on a mini series of Facebook Lives on my business page. Follow me on Facebook to find out when I’m tackling the one that’s most in YOUR way. Today at 10:30am EST, I’ll be talking about DIMINISHMENT.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Deb Nicholson on the Undeniable Call of Convergence
Deb Nicholson is a fierce-hearted woman. A Domestic Violence Activist, Leader, and Facilitator for most of her life, she is an unstoppable force.
Except when it came to one teeeeensy part of her life. Which ended up being, like, EVERYTHING.
“I wanted to own myself as a writer. I wanted to do more speaking. And I wanted to integrate my career’s worth of experience in addressing violence against women. I wanted to converge all of these things in a meaningful way,” she says.
So she reached out to me. I remember our first conversation like it was yesterday. The radiance around this woman was impossible to ignore. I heard the DV work as integral to who she was... but it was ONE PIECE of her purpose. In incredibly vital piece, to be certain. But her writer’s heart, the same fierce heart that sat and held and heard the most unthinkably horrific stories... undeniable.
“Tanya really understood my potential and really reinforced that I was already all the things I wanted to be,” Deb said. “It was that one conversation that made me decide to join the Academy.”
Once in the Academy, D immersed herself in the content and in the community. “The Academy offered me so many resources. Because the course was quite intensive and also nine months long, there was the opportunity to somewhat rewire and change my brain chemistry.
“Having someone there to kick me up the backside in recognizing when my impostor complex was creeping in — before I was able to recognize it for myself — has been some kind of miracle!”
This direction, and the reinforcement of her fellow Star Steppers, was, well... appreciated. “The kind of deep connection Tanya provided I think is really rare,” she said. “Having a group of women who can support each other and hold each other up in the way that we did was so valuable. It became a community and a sisterhood. It was far and away the greatest model of self-work I’ve ever done. There was accountability without pressure.”
In the end, the changes Deb experienced were palpable, and the results were unequivocal. “I’m taking my idea of convergence and leading it into integration. I’ve been able to make huge changes in my life, like realizing my dream of moving to France and focusing on my writing.
“The Academy provided all of the coaching that I needed to just go for it. The biggest win of all has been being able to see myself and my potential in the way that others have seen me throughout the program.”
And THAT, friends, is my EVERYTHING.
And guess what? She’s coming back to the Starring Role Academy in 2019.
I cannot WAIT to see what the next year is going to hold for this Warrior Woman. And to JOIN her at her June Volcano Writing Retreat. Check out her retreats here. What's not to love about an all inclusive retreat in a château in the French Pyrenees?
And your next year? What convergence will be leading to integration in 2019 for you? Hit reply. I’d love to know.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Jenn Sutkowski on sharing the music.
I watched Jenn Sutkowski throughout 2019 with no small amount of awe.
A creative who is an intoxicating blend of radiance and boldness, alongside tenderness and kindness. Her heart is both fierce and soft. The ANDness you know so well.
As a self-described “business of one,” she often found herself to be her own worst critic.“I don't have a whole team that's saying, ‘Oh yeah, it's great!’ so my inner critic can be very loud. The inner critic and the Imposter Complex like to work together to stop me from living my dreams.”
Which is no bueno given the amount of talent she has to share with the world through writing business, her work as a memoirist and, most recently, an album of songs.
And THAT is why she joined the Starring Role Academy this year. Lucky, lucky us.
She said this about the first time we spoke. “Tanya has an amazing gift to just see right into you. I felt known, very fast and in a super genuine way, which is quite rare.
“By the time our first call was over I could tell that being part of the Academy was going to be a very nourishing experience.”
She hit the ground running, focusing on her inner critics and the underlying values she knew they were holding fast. “[Knowing they were trying to protect me] flipped things around for me, and I now know to focus on excellence, deep connection, and innovation in my work. I learned to see that part of myself as an ally.”
So. I loved watching her do this work. Of course. Driven, smart, radiant, folx digging deep and in is my greatest thrill.
And there was another level to my connection with her too.
See, I lost my Dad in January. She lost her Dad in March. We had both already lost our mothers. It’s an odd and beautiful and precious thing to be able to see such a familiar ache in someone AS you watch them soar.
But it was the loss of her Dad, who had been a huge champion of her music, that made her realize that life was too short not to finally finish and share her first album. She quotes Dr. Wayne Dyer who said, “Don’t die with your music still in you.”
She said: “Thanks to The Academy, I've done a lot of creative work that I don't think I would have completed otherwise. I realized I am super vulnerable around my music, and this work brought me to the decision that if I'm working on new music, I also need to release the stuff that I have been working on for years. I need to share my art as I create it.”
And getting the help to gather her team to produce this first album was BIIIIIIG Impostor Complex-busting stuff.
“I’m an artist who very much likes to be in my own cave,” she explains. “I don’t like to involve others in my work until absolutely necessary. Even when creating my music I was reluctant to involve an engineer as I worried that what I created at home wouldn’t be good enough."
But she did.
Again: lucky, lucky us.
She did the work. And the Academy was there to support her. And to CELEBRATE her.
“Women are so powerful, but we’re considered too big for our britches if we express joy in what we've created. The Academy really encouraged everyone to celebrate their own accomplishments and see that as the norm instead of the ‘good girls don't brag’ thing. There were so many amazing women in the Academy to share with.”
“The Academy is set up so well from beginning to end. The work is simple — not easy. It's just the right amount of work, and it's deep work too.”
Simple, not easy is our mantra, ‘round here.
But my favourite quote from her about the work we do in the Academy MUST be this: "It's like throwing the inner critic a valium tucked into a piece of cheese."
Good, right? I’m sharing Jenn’s story with you today, November 23, because it’s the day her beloved Mama passed away and ALSO her parents’ wedding anniversary. (The first she is observing with neither parent alive... this is not easy to navigate, I can tell you, just having done this myself two weeks ago). Will you do me a solid and send her a big blast of love by going to check out her album today? It’s ethereal, unique, charming, brilliant, and powerful. Just like Jenn. (And that beauty on the cover? Her Mom. Who looks shockingly like my own.)
Life is short. What’s the music in you that needs to be expressed?
It’s endlessly fascinating to me where the Impostor Complex shows up. I mean, it usually shows on the precipice of something new...but when it shows up, it’s ALWAYS on the precipice of something important. Entrepreneurship, leadership, creativity, speaking, activism, and parenting... whatever MATTERS. This recent batch of podcast interviews spans the gamut of where and how it shows up:
Start-ups and Entrepreneurship - I really enjoyed getting to know Naomi Mdudu of The Lifestyle Edit.She is as delightful as she is no-nonsense. We talked about how the Imposter Complex shows up when you are starting up a business.
Relationships and Dating - Last week was the first time that I’ve been interviewed about how the Impostor Complex impacts dating and love. Because, like I told Sandy Weiner, my gracious host: “It keeps us from ourselves. When we’re kept from ourselves, we can’t connect deeply with others.” That’s just true.
Endurance Sports - I cherish any time with coach and author Jen Brown of Sparta Chicks. We spoke last year about the Impostor Complex and this year, we dove into Unshakeable Confidence. Fearlessly. Like we do.
I am savouring making sourdough bread. Turns out, I really am becoming more like my father every day. It all started with drinking black coffee and running out of patience for ignorance, which has been curious to witness in myself. But I do believe I have just started to pick up the trail for his lifelong pursuit of the perfect sourdough recipe. I’m not sure this was it, but it was pretty good. And fun to make.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Nic Strack on rooting into truth.
Nic Strack has the kind of energy that enters the room before her. You know those magical people?
It’s fueled by a palpable radiance and a heart so pure and a hashtag game so strong and a laugh that transcends infectiousness. In this moment, I can actually hear it. And though I’m feeling seriously rotten with a cold brought on by this mid-November dreich, I can feel myself warming up from the inside just conjuring that laugh.
So today’s Friday Finale shines the spotlight on her and the way she is in the world.
Like most entrepreneurs we love and admire, Nic Strack had both a mission and an unrelenting drive to bring that mission to the world.
She decided to start a business where she would support mamas in turning inward and using their own knowing as their guiding force, instead of constantly feeling insecure and looking outside of themselves for the “right” answers.
Big stuff.
But before launching, Nic realized that to be true to her dream, she had her own personal development to address.
For as long as should could remember, she didn’t experience complete alignment when being called a “tomboy,” because it didn’t accurately capture her whole experience of gender. She once danced on the surface of exploring genderqueerness, but quickly backed away for fear of how much her life would change should she continue down that road of exploration.
A few years later, after feeling like a part of her had been erased while being pregnant, giving birth, and experiencing her first year as a mom, she finally decided to courageously explore her own gender identity. As she spent more time discussing gender with her queer best friends, she also started to spend more time in queer spaces.
“For the first time in my life, I was in groups where I felt immediately accepted — no questions asked,” she shared. “It was then that I realized I’d lived my entire life without feeling that kind of deep unspoken belonging.”
Around the same time, a friend introduced Nic to the Unshakeable Confidence masterclass I taught last November (I just may re-run it, come to think of it!).
“When I watched that webinar, I knew Tanya’s offering was something I needed, not just in a business context, but for my whole life. I thought it would be incredible to start my business having such a strong foundation of my own sense of self.
“I had a half-hour discovery call with Tanya, and she named things I was already secretly thinking about. She really SAW me.” Nic joined the Starring Academy soon after, and well, she soared.
“The first four months of the program involved so much unraveling I needed to do, and the last four were about rebuilding a stronger, more solid sense of self,” Nic said. “In the group Tanya created, I felt safe asking the other members to hold anything and everything with me, and I was met with such beautiful witnessing and support and love. It bolstered me to want to explore my gender identity and my gender expression even more.”
She made the wildly courageous decision to come out to her family as genderqueer in early September.
“When I sat down to have that conversation with my parents, I was able to truly sit there in my grown-up self and not be asking them for validation. My attitude going in was ‘This is the truth of who I am, and I want you to know that.’ I could feel the love and the support of the people in The Academy because I had asked for it — literally... I asked the group that at 7:30pm, please send as much love and support as you can!
"I hadn’t imagined, even earlier this year, so definitely not a year ago, that by September 2018 I would have come out to my parents and would be ready to publicly be out in the world. I am clear that I tapped into my courage and congruence to do so because I was in The Academy.
"There are the two sides of work that were done [in the Academy]. It was the way that I showed up for the work, and the way that the work showed up for me.
“These last nine months have skyrocketed me.”
Yeah. She SHOWS UP. For herself, her husband, her daughter, and her life in the most authentic and fulfilling ways. With that laugh that skyrockets ME.
And honestly... where she’s headed next?
WHEW.
Nic and I both want to know... what part of your truth have you been hiding in order to appear more socially palatable?
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Michelle Mazur is leading the Three-Word Rebellion.
She also happened to be in the Starring Role Academy this past year and is one of the Lights I promised to tell you about.
She showed up to the Academy with a lot under her accomplishment belt.
With a Ph.D in Communication, she had already published two books and run courses for entrepreneurs looking to hone their unique message and find their audience. With her latest book - The Three-Word Rebellion - being readied for publication, she realized that the success she envisioned for her own business was juuuuuust out of reach.
“I was getting in my own way. I wasn't showing up consistently, wasn't telling people about the work that I was doing in the world. I wasn't playing a bigger game,” she shared. “I was kind of hiding out and flying under the radar.”
Sound familiar? That’s precisely what the Impostor Complex does. No matter what you’ve done before, it will have you discount it. And it will have you downplay the VERY THINGS you are intended to build upon. Sneaky bastard.
This realization led Michelle to the Starring Role Academy, and an even more profound “a-ha” moment.
“Before this year I thought I didn’t know what I wanted my business to be. The fact is that I did know, but it was easier to hide behind the excuse that I didn't because what I wanted was so big, so audacious, and so visibility-demanding that it would take a lot of transformation. The Academy finally helped me to say this out loud.”
Michelle started with the Starring Role Playbook, which set her on the right course from a content perspective, but really underscored her desire for much deeper support through enrollment in the Academy.
“The calls with Tanya and the one-on-one feedback that are incorporated into the Academy are definitely some of the best work that I've done,” she said, “as well as the community where you can share your ‘a-ha’ moments when you’ve figured out a pattern that you're currently trapped in.”
But the real value of the Academy for Michelle was realizing that the key to her success was not focusing on making money or the work of her perceived “competitors,” but rather the inherent value of what she was creating and delivering. Which is A LOT.
“Even when someone does something similar, I know how different it is, and so then I can still be supportive and celebrate them while knowing that I am badass and can do good work. My work is meaningful and there are clients who will want to work with me because of it. And I'll actually have a six-figure business this year because I'm well on track.”
With a newly-invigorated approach to her work through the Academy, Michelle has launched her Three-Word Rebellion and hundreds of entrepreneurs are creating their own unique rallying cry that’s growing their business and launching their movement.
“If you are feeling at that place where you're stuck and you're not getting where you want to go, no matter what you try, then it's time to look inward and see what's really going on, what's really holding you back, because it's most likely not your business or what you do or how much you know. It's going to be the stuff like the Impostor Complex and the Inner Critic, the patterns that you don't even know you foster, that have to be unearthed in order for you to move forward. And that’s where the Academy can help you.”
Like I said. She’s STELLAR.
In fact, listen for yourself. I had the sublime pleasure of being her guest on her Rebel Rising podcast. We talked all about Unshakeable Confidence and she shared her own experience with Diminishment and her journey back towards Presence. Thanks be.
Michelle sez my rebellion is around Unshakeable Confidence.
I’m curious. If you were leading your own Three Word Rebellion, what would you call it?
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
YOUR people... and how you know.
In interviews, I’m often asked what my most fundamental belief is.
I have many... as do you.
My mama’s mantra: “Don’t postpone joy," is ever a chart-topper.
But the one that I tend to find myself saying is most often:
“YOUR people want you to succeed.”
It may seem pat, but when I feel into what it is that folx listening need to hear and know? It’s that.
“YOUR people want you to succeed.”
Hear this though:
NOT EVERYONE.
But YOUR people do.
In my household, we have been reciting Maya Angelou’s axiom “When someone shows you who they are, believe them,” since my Kid was old enough to have her heart broken by her peers.
But who are YOUR people?
It’s a question I try to answer as best as I can.
I say things like:
They are the ones committed to you knowing what you are HERE for.
They are the ones committed to you showing up in your PRESENCE.
The ones who are not afraid of your power.
The ones who encourage you to know your self.
The ones who encourage you to show yourself reverence.
But Nayyirah Waheed says it so much more clearly. Like she does.
This is NOW what we ask in our household when we are trying to discern our people:
Are they expanders?
Are they contractors?
Or are they neutral?
This IS how you know.
This is how you know who to COUNT on.
This is how you know who to RELEASE.
And this is how you know who can stick around... at least for the time being.
This is how you know who YOUR people are.
And trust me.
YOUR people want you to succeed.
That’s just true. (They told me so.)
How do you know who YOUR people are? Comment below and let me know.
I wanted to take some time to make sure you know about some of the fantastic things MY business friends are up to. The ones whose stories make ME expand. In the hopes that they will do the same for you.
My pal Theresa Reed is some kind of magic. That’s just truth. And every Sunday I receive her Astro-Biz digest. And it’s how I map out my week. Now you know. And now you can too. (Unrelated...we share a love of noodles.)
Tara McMullin has been one of my most trusted business besties for close to a decade. I am lucky that way. And she is convening her next Venture Mastermind/Montana retreat right now.It’s not going to be for everyone... but it’s for some big thinking business folx ready to VENTURE. Maybe it’s for you?
Jo Casey is running a free class on Saturday the 20th of October (replays available for those who register and can’t make it) called How To Create An Unstoppable Business where she’ll go through her (BRILLIANT) methodology and provide a framework for building an authentic and profitable coaching or healing business. You can sign up here. She’s a marvel.
You know how people talk about creating Patreon page but don’t know how to go about doing so... or even if it’s the right thing? Monica Herald is offering a brainstorming/ exploratory call for those considering Patreon as a creative playground that offers sustainability and community. Cost? $100. You can read more here.
Stay tuned for some pretty boss things happening in MY business.
Expanding and deepening.
My favourite energies.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Two words no one EVER wants to see on a feedback form...
The two words no one EVER wants to see on a feedback form?
“VERY POOR.”
And yet, I did.
It was just this past June. I mean, I survived, ‘n all, but still. Settle in.
I had been speaking at a conference in Florida. It felt fantastic. I was connecting with the audience and could even feel the naysayers coming around. There was laughter and tears of recognition and relief and a huge line of well-wishers after the fact. All signs pointed to #stellar.
So when the email came in with the results of the feedback form a couple of weeks later, I ignored my own rule about reading emails on the weekend as I was eagerly anticipating the sweet nectar of glorious praise. Because yum, right?
My eyes scanned the results, passed the rows of “excellent” and landed on the one “very poor.” I stared so hard it burned my retina.
I felt sick and I immediately thought of the pitch proposal ready to go out the next morning for another gig. My only thought was: Nope. Not gonna do this again.
Okay. Let’s pause here.
I’ve been at this speaking business long enough to know better and yet, I was hooked.
I’ve been at this Impostor Complex work long enough to know better and yet, I was hooked.
Lie #3 of the Impostor Complex is that we are “all or nothing,” remember? So although this is my work, I keep coming around and around and around to it.
Clearly, I am sharing this moment of abject human-being because I know you get hooked too. It’s what we do. We want praise. And we want to avoid criticism. That’s just true. I've heard Oprah say that every single guest on her show (Gloria Steinem! Sidney Poitier!) over the years asked her how they did when the cameras stopped rolling.
So I got hooked, but I didn’t get stopped. Because that’s what the Impostor Complex would have me do. Stay out of action. Feel alone and isolated. Doubt my capacity.
Here’s what I did instead:
I allowed myself to feel it all. The petulance. The snark. The nastiness. The shame. The disappointment. Then I tore my eyes away from those two words, closed them, and required myself to take in the truth as I felt it on that stage as well as the emails I’d received in the days that followed the gig. Sense of capacity restored.
I reached out to a dear friend who facilitates a LOT. She had some wise counsel and plenty of compassion. She helped me to dig into the balance of the feedback and get to the honey of the evaluation. No one needs to do any of this alone.
And I made the pitch for the next gig. (Which I won.) Action for the win.
Happily ever after, yes?
It was. But still.
With all of that said? I’ll confess that it wasn’t until yesterday when I spoke with that client again who shared that I was, in the end, the top-rated speaker of the conference that I could fully receive the praise and glowing comments living in that feedback form:
amazing job
very entertaining
content was powerful
thought-provoking
SO IMPRESSED!!!
lively presentation style with great charisma
The content was INCREDIBLY relevant
This is probably my biggest takeaway of the whole conference
Tanya is a great speaker
LOVED her, the topic, the messages
So, yeah. I know better. But still so much for me to know much MUCH better.
In love and all humanness,
This interview with Michelle and Nicole of The Sparkle Hour was pure delight. We talked about joy and grief and activation and sparkles and it was exquisite. (And they even said so!)
I’m celebrating YOU. You made my birthday last week some kind of wonderful. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Happy Birthday to us, TG!
Hey, You -
You did it, boo. You really did it. Another cycle around the sun.
See those fabulous lines around your mouth and eyes?
Let’s talk about them.
You didn’t sleep, move and hydrate enough.
It’s okay.
You’ve had your hands full.
Let’s recap.
You lost your Dad and found the ground still firm beneath you.
You’re deepening into the analysis of your work with the Impostor Complex. And it is LIFE.
The Kid is rocking high school.
You made good on your promises to others...and even kept many to yourself.
Your clients are kicking ass and taking names.
Your near-health scare and a near-car accident reminded you twice in three weeks that life is precious and not to be taken lightly.
And.
You’ve taken life lightly and that was good too.
You’ve loved your man big and wide and deep and true.
Your speaking is on fire.
You felt the mountain rain.
You spread Dad’s ashes everywhere in France that he requested, and found laughter and tears in all the spots.
You launched a super useful quiz that helps folx unpack the impact of the Impostor Complex.
You let some people go who didn’t value your love and time and affections. With ease.
You welcomed in many more. Your people. Your really REAL people.
You beautified your home with a new backyard.
You journeyed with thirty women in the Starring Role Academy and you will never ever ever be the same. (In the words of one of your truest loves, “give thanks”.)
You tried to get along with Instagram.
You spent precious time with the family you were given and spent sacred time with the family you chose. (Like this one who just knows.)
You said hard things. And you held back on saying a couple of hard things too. (Let’s not do that any longer, okay?)
You gave and received.
You wrote good words and your beloved readers told you that they were so. And you hope that you have managed to convey your deepest gratitude for them.
You celebrated the micro steps. You learned from the missed steps. You integrated the meaningful steps. And you stepped up.
And so today, you will celebrate. You will do the thing you have said for the last ten years that you would like to do. No work, just rest in celebration. This is one more promise you have made to yourself that you will keep today. You can celebrate that too.
Tomorrow is a new day. And what a day filled with surprises for some. Maybe even for you.
And the year ahead?
Still so bright, you’re gonna needs shades. And to roll up your sleeves. There’s work to be done.
And I’m here for it.
Love love,
Me
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Three truths.
I swear that I WILL give you a rest from hearing about my Kid entering into high school... soon. But for the moment, it’s still a grade-A biggie for me.
As her parent, for sure. I shared why this was so significant over on Instagram this week.
But also, as a student of the Impostor Complex. You see, my daughter is now of the age that I was when I started to notice the Impostor Complex in myself
Or rather, she is the age I was when I started to exhibit the behavioural traits that we run to to avoid feeling like the Impostor... or to cope with feeling like an Impostor.
The people-pleasing.
The leaky boundaries.
The comparison.
The diminishment.
The perfectionism.
The procrastination (okay... that may have begun pre-high school).
I didn’t know that’s what it was, mind you. And it’s taken me most of my teen years, 20s, 30s, and 40s to understand why I would try to run and hide in those behaviours that were doing me more harm than good. Because you can run, but you cannot hide.
That much has always been clear.
But it’s ALSO clear that in spite of the false starts and insecurities and disconnections and miseries endured from not doing what I’ve claimed I’ve wanted to do, I can see that all along I have ACTUALLY known three truths, and they have guided me up every hill I’ve ever desired to climb:
I don’t have to go this alone. I CAN. But I don’t have to.
I’ve done hard things before. And I can look to those accomplishments as proof of my capacity.
And when the desire is greater than my fear, those fears will not - cannot - stop me.
That’s what I want to remember.
That’s what I want my daughter to remember.
And that’s what I want YOU to remember.
Today.
Every day.
PS - If you want to know which of the behavioural traits of the Impostor Complex is in YOUR way, be sure to take my quiz!
We’ve been cooking up a beta for a six-week coaching program on Unshakeable Confidence that is limited to 20 people. We’re announcing it next week to the public AND we’ve already sold close to half the spots just by opening our big mouths about it on Instagram (more reason to follow me there!). If you want more info, hit reply and we’ll give you the goods.
COOKIES. Because first day of high school means we make cookies with pals, doesn’t it? With sprinkles and all the chocolate chips in the cupboard and all the cinnamon? Isn’t THAT how we hang onto to the moments by our fingernails? Probably not, but it was a delicious attempt in any case.
Jen Louden is a love and a friend and has been a client, but mostly what I want you to know is she does a fantastic job supporting creatives to stay committed to their voices and to be resilient.
She recently wrote, "Fear camouflages itself as confusion and keeps brilliant creative women from the pleasures and successes of a fully expressed life. And fear’s number one choice when trying to trip you up? Your inability to choose. Your refusal to take a seat at the table of desire. To say, 'I want this! And I am willing to work for it!’” Can you relate?!
Jen is working to turn fear of choosing into clarity and ACTION. She’s offering a free challenge to guide you to choose your next creative project with love and in a spirit of enoughness. It starts September 10 for one week ONLY and you can sign up here - so go sign up!
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
If you just don’t feel like yourself...
Every day this week - one full week before the official school year begins - we’ve watched our daughter head off to her new high school (!!!), backpack and high ponytail bouncing off behind her.
Her new school has offered what they call “transition week." We haven’t really known what that was, so have been calling it “boozeless frosh week." But we’ve discovered it’s largely a settling in of taking subways, finding lockers, getting student ID pics, and getting the kids acclimatized for what they keep threatening will be the fast pace of grade 9. And if I’m guessing, I’d say also designed to settle the butterflies of overprotective parents (ahem).
She’s been asking me a ton about high school. We’ve been sharing our highs and lows. Mostly the highs for me. I came ALIVE in high school.
At some point in an epic basement cleanout over the summer, I came across alllllll of my yearbooks. Every last one that I thought I had lost over several moves. Starting from grade 8 all the way through to grade 13 (and if you didn’t know how old I was before and you live in Ontario, NOW you have a sense.)
Stay with me for this next boring point about Ontario’s public school system. Some middle schools went from grade 7-9 and the corresponding high school started in grade 10. That was the track I was on. Other high schools started in grade 9... like my kid’s school.
My middle school years were unpleasant. And so I left the stream after grade 9 and made a fresh start at a new and different high school where I knew no one but two cool guys I coached tennis with. (Which was my version of cool back in the day. Yep.)
But when asked why I left years later, I couldn’t ever really put my finger on it. It wasn’t like I was BULLIED in middle school. I wasn’t in TROUBLE. History is a funny thing and time can either harden or soften the edges. All I recall in my retelling of why I chose to leave the track I was on was that “I just didn’t feel myself.”
My daughter has been curious about that language: “I just didn’t feel like myself.”
And then we opened up my grade 9 yearbook. And she SAW. And I SAW.
That was the picture my peers chose of me. That was the pose they put me in. They said I looked like Micky Dolenz from the Monkees (never mind the misspelling on my t-shirt). And something about having smelly feet. Okay. Ouch, but okay.
And I, of course, was not the only one poked fun of. The kid who struggled with her weight was put in a sumo suit. The boy who, well... I won’t say more. Let’s just say each of our insecurities were amplified and caricaturized. And far worse. Homophobic, ableist, and racist visual “jokes” on every page. “Hey, lighten up”,right? “It’s just kid’s stuff back in the mid-80’s!”
My daughter was horrified to see the drawings. Wondered who the staff advisor was who allowed for such cruelty.
And thennnnnnnnn we got to the yearbook comments and signatures. Yikes. All but a few were mean-spirited, snarky, thinly-veiled insults. I kept seeing her watch me out of the corner of her eye, wondering how I turned out so well. Feeling her 14-year-old self wanting to reach my 14-year-old self.
We couldn’t get through them all together, my daughter and I. She even proposed we burn the book.
I said: “I told you I didn’t feel like myself there."
Because you know what I see in those eyes of mine? Not a kid who didn’t like herself. Naw. She liked herself juuuuuust fine. But a kid who wasn’t liked. Who wasn’t celebrated. And she couldn’t quite figure out why.
So she decided to leave and go where she might find her people.
And she did.
She started fresh at an entirely new high school. It meant leaving the classmates that she had been with for ten years and going to an entirely different area of the city. It meant disobeying her parents in her first real act of rebellion by sneaking out of the house to enrol herself in said out-of-district school. It meant big fights and lots of tears. It meant uncertainty and lonely lunches for the first month. But she needed to do it.
And she found her people. Many of whom are in her inner circle to this day. Her greatest champions, advocates, and challengers. Her chosen extended family.
It’s not easy to make another choice.
They are often not celebrated.
They are often uncertain and unsure.
But if you have choices available and staying the course is threatening to cause harm to your spirit, you must make it. You must take it.
Especially if on this current track, you don’t feel like yourself.
What is the BEST choice you ever made?
Speaking of changing what must be changed, we are juuuuuuuuuust about ready to share with you the NEW DIRECTION of my podcast “In the Spotlight Live w/ Tanya Geisler." I am madly in love with all the conversations we had last year (you can find those conversations here), and am ready to go even DEEPER into my exploration of the Impostor Complex... uncollapsing when the barriers to leadership are INTERNAL... and when they are EXTERNAL. It’s TIME for these conversations. They may not be easy. They may be uncertain. They may be messy. And they are ESSENTIAL.
The business world (especially online) is constantly evolving and this can lead to excitement, opportunity, and at times, overwhelm. We’re told to work longer hours, hustle harder, follow blueprints, "crush it," and "reach six figures" at all costs.
But what if that’s leaving us exhausted, burnt out, disillusioned, and lonely?
Jo Casey is a coach for meaningful business owners and specialises in helping women overcome their feminine conditioning (the messages society gives about how to be a "good" woman) and build businesses that allow us all to thrive.
She’s put together a online, 5-day event focused on conversations about how we can create businesses and lives that are TRULY sustainable. Businesses that are sustainable ethically, emotionally, energetically, and financially.
She’s brought together some of the wisest, funniest, warmest, and most insightful women she knows to share their experiences and expertise in building their own meaningful businesses. And I’m one of them.
Savouring this exquisitely bittersweet moment of the year. The space between summer and fall here in the northern hemisphere. I’m savouring these last sips of summer. The last of the peaches and the tomatoes and the hot days and thinking of apples and sweaters and fires.
One of our end-of-summer traditions, 40-some years in the making, is to go to the end of summer fair called the CNE. I’ve been taking my daughter and her bestie every year. This may be the last year they’ll let me tag along and buy them crap, but this was the first year my kid got on THAT crazy-assed ride.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Given that, what now?
We’ve picked up our daughter from her two-week stint at summer camp (there may have been a tear or two) and we have been reconnecting up at our in-law’s gorgeous cottage for the week.
We are enjoying books, hammock time, s’mores, Monopoly, tennis, and the rain day which saw us baking cookies and devouring lasagna.
As I type this, I hear the two of them on the lake. He’s in the canoe and she’s chasing him on the SUP. She is laughing hysterically as she splashes him with her paddle. She is fully clothed and I suspect will end up in the water soon. (Updated to add: I was correct.)
The days are still hot with a little bite of fall when the wind blows from the east.
The air is clean and the water is cleaner. This is no small thing.
We give thanks a thousand times a day and it is still insufficient.
All of this grace led to a very complicated and necessary conversation over Monopoly around power, colonialism, white privilege, “the tax,” and generational wealth. (Everything is an opportunity for discussion if you decide to make it so.)
As ever, there were more questions raised than answers given, which has had to be fine. For the moment. Because this moment, you know? It’s truth. It’s what we have. It’s what we know. But THIS time I followed it up with the question my friend Jenn McCabe raises: “Given that, what now?”
This is a question that can cut to the quick... and the true. It won’t quit me.
The game of Monopoly will never be the same for any of us.
Giving thanks for that. And for the good questions. And for the clean water.
Clearly, I’m savouring much these days. Including:
These intersectional feminist podcasts.
Staci Jordan Shelton’s new digital digs and her new offering ALCHEMY is SUBLIME.
The lake.
This piece from Bari Tessler on firing her CFO.
Loved my interview with Colleen Gratzer over on Creative Boost. Alllll about the Impostor Complex. She wasn’t afraid to ask the stumpers.
Have a podcast and want me to speak to your listeners about the Impostor Complex or Unshakeable Confidence? Email me and let's talk.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.