Articles
Are you a fair weather friend to your desires?
It was pure delight to get to speak with Kate Northrup on Tuesday. Pure + unadulterated. Being with someone so present in their star power is like that. Amazing to think we tackled money, priorities, freedom alignment, praise and criticism, being an understudy, feeling like a fraud, AND laughed our asses off.
It was the conversation about priorities that I’ve been sitting with. How we say we want more money, to be more present, to have more intimacy, to have more grace, to be more organized, to write more, to take better care of our relationships, to eat better, to learn how to tie a scarf like a Parisian woman (oh, maybe that’s just me), to play a bigger game, to let in more love, to step into our starring role…
And then? (You can see where I’m going here.)
Yup.
We don’t take action.
The morning of the telejam, I had a tough conversation with our daughter about what it means to be a good friend and what it means to be a fair weather friend.
Someone who’s only there when THEY need you. And then who abandons you when they don’t.
(It’s the same conversation I had with my mother when I was nine. I’m still learning.)
In her fabulously delightful and practical book Money: A Love Story, Kate counsels readers to consider their own Money Story. So I did. And in doing so realized that I have spent much of my life in that kind of fair weather relationship with money. Attentive and concerned when I’ve needed it, ambivalent and blithe when I haven’t. And then shocked when my money situation needed my attention and concern once again.
Seriously, if you were money, would YOU want to stick around for that kind of friend? Me neither.
Kate asked::
Are your actions lining up to what you (say you) really want?
Good one. What are you making more important than what you say you want?
Try this.
Step one:: Declare what you want. (Understanding WHY you want it is imperative.) Step two:: Love that desire in being. Take action. Tend to it. Nurture it. Be faithful to it. (In short, make it happen). Step three:: Keep doing step two.
What kind of a friend does your faith, money, art, starring role need you to be for it to stick around?
You know how to be a good friend. Fair weather just isn't your style.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
just-spending-time (or: how to change your entire life)
There are very few women who could convince me to join them on the other side of the continent for a weekend in one well-crafted email. But Ronna Detrick is that woman. Powerful, brilliant, persuasive and an Empress. I love her. And I have since traversed the continent again, beguiled by the crook of her finger and the assurance of good conversation and the sisterhood of phenomenal women that she manages to summon. (The first weekend on Whidbey Island, I got to play and pontificate with Tara Sophia Mohr, Julie Daley, Lianne Raymond, and Andrea Olson. The next time, we hit Seattle and I got to swim in wonder and wisdom with Tara Gentile, Amy Oscar, Callahan McDonough, Andrea Mee Maurer, and Andrea Olson again). There will be many more such weekends. Oh yes indeed. It was during this second visit that she gifted me with “Extravagant”, an exquisite piece conceived in collaboration with Callahan. They are creating and curating a collection of 30 unique paintings inspired by Ronna’s writings about women in Scripture. It all started (as it would) with Eve. Ronna authors the narrative, Callahan interprets and paints the accompanying diptych. Artful, meaningful synergy.
The pieces are just sublime, to be certain. And the beauty of the art and the words continues to still me.
When they presented each of us with our respective diptychs that morning in Seattle, they both spoke to their work, their art, but what struck me was the reverence they held for each other’s genius. The delight they took in each others’ brilliance. THAT’s what I’m talking about. Witnessing these two powerful women co-create in such a magical way thrills me to no end.
Sisters, I believe that we must collaborate together. Not just for funsies…but for healing. For our deep work to commence in a meaningful way.
And I’ve invited Ronna to share more about her work with Callahan, why collaboration matters and the power of being with. Because she KNOWS.
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just-spending-time (or: how to change your entire life)
There is a way in which to garner more creativity, more support, and more love than you could possibly imagine; a way to change your entire life. And yet, most of us struggle and strain nearly all the time. Want the answer? The secret? The three-step plan?
It’s way simpler than three steps and there is no secret. But here’s the answer: just-spending-time (with women).
I mean it. Not at networking events (though those are great). Not in coaching circles (though those are invaluable). Not at your kids’ playgroup (though thank goodness such exist). Not on Facebook or Twitter or Pinterest (though these are amazing and lovely). In each other’s homes. The living room. The kitchen. Across the table. Coffee brewed. Or wine poured.
just-spending-time
In the press to build our business, write brilliant prose, create incredible online offerings, and oh yes, make money, it is beyond-easy to swirl in a world of work, or at least effort. And it deceives us…even slightly…because so much of it has us connected to an entire world of (online) women.
But what we need – desperately and definitely – is in-person, up-close laughter and honest conversation and sometimes confession and even tears. What we need is each other. And the best (if not only) way to make that happen is by just-spending-time.
More valuable than any strategy, any professional development, any coaching or counseling, even any hard-work to generate revenue, it has been the gift of just-spending-time with women I love (and who love me back) that has merited the most profound and significant results in my life.
I’ve spent hours and hours (and hours and hours) at my friend Andrea’s house or her at mine. We could not count (without some level of shame) the bottles of wine we have consumed. And we have talked of everything – kids, parents, work, relationships, life, money, and yes – online business development, product creation, social media strategy. In the process of just-spending-time I have become clearer and clearer on my brand; but more, clearer and clearer on my priorities, my purpose, my sense of well-being and strength and value.
I’ve spent two weekends now with Tanya. (I can barely keep tears from falling as I type those words; so grateful for her friendship and love.) No agenda. No content. No purpose – other than just-spending-time drinking good wine, eating good food (she makes some mean Kale chips), and yes laughing – crying – dreaming – sighing – hoping – loving. And every time I picture her face and imagine her hugs, I feel more loved, more capable, more possible than ever before and over and over again.
I’ve begun a beautiful and extravagant art project with Callahan McDonough. She lives on the other side of the country. We found each other through Facebook. I tell stories. She paints them. Eve. Elizabeth. Extravagant (of which Tanya spoke above and of which I’ve written). All-in-all, a 30-piece collection of Sacred Art. But so much more, a friendship between two women. I’ve flown to Atlanta to meet her, to be in her home, to be in her presence. She’s flown to Seattle to be with me, to picture the space in which I work-and write-and live. We love each other. We talk of everything. And in the midst, I am changed-strengthened-empowered by just-spending-time.
In a world that presses on us to do more, be more, spend more, make more, more, more, more, just-spending-time can be difficult, if not (seemingly) impossible. It requires that we slow down, that we craft relationships just for the sake of them, and that we have faith that above/beyond all the things that need to be done-created-built-sold that just-spending-time with other women is what will sustain, last, and ultimately matter most when all else falls away.
We deeply and desperately need to be just-spending-time with other women. It’s what changes us, our relationships with others, our work, and our world.
And it requires something of you: your willingness to ask – and then trust. Trust that the time is more important than the outcome. Trust that the relationship itself is more valuable than anything that might come of it. Trust that you – across the table from another woman – is what will change you, transform you, and invite you to more than you could have ever imagined. Trust that if you ask you will actually receive a “yes.”
How could I have known that hours of just-spending-time with Andrea would merit some of the best posts I’ve written and products I’ve created? How could I have known just-spending-time with Tanya would compel me through veritable walls of self-doubt toward the writing of a Book that she’s convinced the world is waiting for? How could I have known that just-spending-time with Callahan would walk me through a season of grief and sadness with perspective and strength previously unknown – not to mention the creation of such extravagant beauty in business and art? And how could I have known that just-spending-time in the pages of the stories I love could have invited me into a world of women who have companioned me, supported me, loved me, changed me?
This is collaboration at its best and most brilliant. This is all yours for the taking, yours for the knowing, and undoubtedly, yours for the giving – lavishly, profoundly, and without restraint. This is the simplest of things: just-spending-time And all you have to do is ask – and then trust.
What are you waiting for? Your whole life is about to change! And, if that weren’t enough, you are about to change the whole life of those who have the privilege of just-spending-time with you. Even more, when our lives are changed as women – because of women – we are the ones who change the world. That’s worth just-spending-time on, yes?
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
What are your non-negotiables?
When I was in my early 20s, I lived at home while at university and was friends with a woman we’ll call B. She was worldly and, to me? The epitome of cooooooooool. Went out on Sunday nights, drank spritzers on patios any day of the damned week, knew how to really talk to men, travelled when the she had enough money. She even had a belly piercing. I was deeply impressed. Right before one of her travel jaunts, she invited me to one of those said patios for a couple of rounds of those said spritzers. She had two things on her mind: she was leaving for a trip for three weeks in two days and needed someone to take care of her cat. Could I help her out? And when she got back, she’d need a new roommate. Was I interested? She’d need a decision in the form of first and last month’s rent upon her return. (Also impressive to me back then…she created urgency wherever she went…hot.)
I felt like I got tapped on the shoulder by a deity and one does NOT say no to a deity. I couldn’t keep the cat, but I begged and cajoled my sister into taking her for the three weeks. Sweet one that she is, she acquiesced. B didn’t have the time or the wheels, so we made arrangements to come and get the cat.
Leaving my sister with limited information and limited food + litter supplies, B was off on her adventure.
Every once in a while, I’d hear from my sister that the cat had done something. She wasn’t complaining, merely noting how her life would need to change if she ever got her own cat. Taking care of another living being, no matter how independent, is a responsibility not to be taken lightly. I would always end these conversations with expressing my sincere gratitude and by proxy, B’s. I was certain B was thanking her lucky stars for my sister’s generosity. I also assumed a bottle of Rioja would be offered for her trouble, or at a minimum, some bucks to cover the costs of the food and litter my sister needed to pay out (and some other items the cat trashed).
As week three came and went and we didn’t hear from B, I started to suspect that my sister’s kindness wasn’t top of mind for B, and that she and the stars had other things to talk about.
About a week later, I walked into the bar I worked at, surprised to see B sitting there, holding court with her glass of wine. She’d been home for a number of days. I asked if she intended to call my sister to arrange to get the cat back. Sure…when she was ready, now did I or did I not want to hear about the hot men she met?
She then asked for my decision (and rent money).
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Last Tuesday, as part of my Step into Your Starring Role telejam series, Kate Swoboda and I talked about the courage required to step into your starring role, and she shared the non-negotiables required to do so.
Vital stuff.
I didn’t know it to name it then, but my non-negotiables were pretty clear to me in that moment at the bar some years ago. Gratitude, generosity, and connection are something I insist upon for my own life, and I needed those values light and bright in my future roommate’s value system too. Respect and responsibility, too, natch.
This was a friend I could sip wine with. This was NOT someone I could live with.
When B finally came to get the cat, her hands were empty. No offers of money, tokens of gratitude or cards of thanks. B took the cat in its carrier from my sister, thanked her and walked out the door. It was then that I declined her invitation to move in together. She was surprised, disappointed and pissed. Who says no to a deity?
Bullet dodged.
Those values of gratitude, generosity, and connection are the foundation for my Brand of Joy. They are shining bright when I am in my starring role. And they are alive and well in my most cherished and powerful relationships with friends, family, colleagues, and clients. Non-negotiable.
And for me, that is everything.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Just start.
What I think is that a good life is one hero journey after another. Over and over again, you are called to the realm of adventure, you are called to new horizons. Each time, there is the same problem: do I dare? And then if you do dare, the dangers are there, and the help also, and the fulfillment or the fiasco. There's always the possibility of a fiasco. But there's also the possibility of bliss.
- Joseph Campbell
START BIG, we hear and it causes our heart to flutter with excitement. Big leaps, grand gestures. Visions of stages and handshakes and purposeful strides and posh airport terminals and legacy start to fill our minds with wonder and what else possibilities. For some, this is the only way.
But maybe for you, this happens:: “reality” sets in. All the reasons starting big will lead to failure upon failure, bankrupting our families, causing us to turn to illicit substances and of course, leading to our final days as the destitute bag lady.
And so. not much happens.
START SMALL, we hear and we breathe easier, smoother, more rhythmically. Yes. Zen-like simplicity. Morsels of meaning. THAT we can do. Sweet baby steps where no one gets hurt and dreams come alive with some planning, patience, and perseverance. For some, THIS is the only way.
But maybe for you, this happens:: “reality” sets in. All the reasons starting small will take too damned long. We don’t have the decades available to us to pull it off in that way. We need to get there NOW.
And so, not much happens.
In either case, we know that when “not much happens” we really can’t fail. But it also means we really can’t win.
I think you want to win.
And by “win”, I mean living your life as though it were actually the gift you’ve been given.
I want you to win. We want you to win.
You’ll never plan for every eventuality (where’s the fun in that?) nor can you foresee the magic that will rain down upon you (ditto). You’ll never be 100% ready. You’ll never know it all. You’ll never have all the answers.
But I know you have just enough to get started. Do you dare?
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Launching, Telejams, and a “Just Because” Gift…my favourite kind
Continuity alert. This may well be THE most disjointed post I’ve written yet. That I didn’t fret for hours trying to string it together into a sweet and melodic narrative is equal parts testament to how smart I know you to be AND sheer exhaustion.
Launching
I’m exhausted because I launched my Step into Your Starring Role program to my email list over the weekend and am opening registration up to the public today. Right now. In this moment.
And frankly, launching anything is fearsome business.
Will they show up?
Did I cross all the “t’s” and dot the ”i’s”?
Am I doing the right things?
Have I covered all the bases?
Am I ready?
Is everything perfect?
If any of those questions are answered with no, it feels like disaster will strike. So we very often don’t launch. Anything.
{Trust me. I hear that..."DISASTER". The bigness of that language doesn’t escape me. As wars rage and children are hungry and the sex trade endures and political prisoners are being tortured and cancer destroys families and atrocities are being committed in our own backyards…and. To say it’s” hard to reconcile” transcends the meaning of “putting it mildly”.}
And yet, here I am. Talking about launching.
This is part of the work I’m doing in the world. Not all of it. But much of it. Feeling fears, answering calls and going forward. Working with others to do the same. Ultimately, it’s the work all of us are doing.
So yeah. Today I’m launching Step into Your Starring Role, the 12-week coaching program that I’ve been crafting and finessing since New Year’s Day. It’s the very best of all the coaching I’ve done since I started in 2007. And it’s kind of like the practicum of my TEDx talk on Owning our Authority.
The Dress Rehearsal earlier this year was a smashing success. Here’s what some of the former participants had to say about the content, the community, the action and accountability and working with me.
Right? I know. Awesome women.
And I’ll be honest…when we opened pre-registration to my list over the weekend, I was met with immediate sign-ups. The most incredible women have started to show and I couldn't be happier. Very quickly most of my pre-launch jitters vanished.
They’re coming! They’re really coming!
I actually began to fret that all of the spots would be gone before I opened to the public. Definitely a champagne problem. And then….nothing. The sign-ups ground to a halt.
I spent the weekend being the coward who’s died a thousand deaths. Preoccupied with registration numbers. Fretting about said dotted i’s and crossed t’s. The typo(s) in the email to my list. Considering abandoning the plans I’ve been crafting for MONTHS.
What I’m awake to is how all or nothing the ego likes to have it be. There would be an avalanche of interest OR a desert of ambivalence.
The reality lands somewhere in the middle.
I’m excited. I’m nervous. I’m hopeful that the right people will find it. That it’s the right time for them. That it meets people where they are and gives them what they need to get to where they want to go.
I’m also hoping that it won’t consume my thoughts for the next month. I’ve allowed for a long registration period (until Sept 20th) so people have plenty of time to be sure it’s right for them. It’s not an insignificant ticket price, so I also get that people need to make sure it’s a financial fit. (And the reason we’re offering payment plans).
But ultimately, whether they show up, or don’t, I will continue to do the work I’m here to do in the world. Helping people to step into their starring role. So they can create the lives of their dreams. Right in the middle of all and nothing.
Telejams
Over the next several weeks, I’ll be speaking with some of my very favourite women LIVE via Spreecast about how they’ve stepped into their starring roles. And boy howdy, have they ever.
Kate Swoboda! Tara Gentile! Kate Northrup!
Stars, each of them, who have faced their fears and launched anyways. Who have faced critics and solderied on. Who continue to inspire, teach and lead even when….
Beacons of brilliance, each of them, who have boldly stepped into their own starring roles.
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
"Hesitating Beauty"
For your sparkling cocky smileI have walked a million miles Begging you to come wed me in the Spring Why do you my dear delay What makes you laugh and turn away? You're a hesitating beauty Nora Lee
Well I know that you are itching to get married, Nora Lee And I know I am twitching for the same thing, Nora Lee By the star and clouds above We can spend our lives in love You're a hesitating beauty Nora Lee
We can build a house and home Where the flowers come to bloom Around our yard I'll nail a fence so high That the boys with peeping eyes Cannot see that angel face Of my hesitating beauty, Nora Lee.
We can ramble hand in hand Across the grasses of our land I'll kiss you for each leaf on every tree We can our kids to play Where the dry winds blow today If you'll quit your hesitating, Nora Lee
- Woody Guthrie
The way I see it, you are Nora Lee, and "I" am your vision, dream, and desire, desperately wanting your hand in marriage. Is it time to quit your hesitating?
Check out my free training on the 5 Shifts Our Clients Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.