Articles
Sometimes humans are the worst. (Just like me.)
Hey friends -
Back on May 2nd, my coach Desiree Adaway shared this post on Instagram:
Since May 2nd, I’ve read that quote possibly a hundred times. And these days, I am reading it a hundred more per day as I continue to unpack it.
Because I felt the sting of truth the first time I read it. How many times have I internally pointed the sword of self-righteousness at other white people who aren’t “doing the work”? Oh, the hypocrisy of that. I’ve literally only just begun to unpack my white fragility and whiteness.
And you can only imagine how uncomfortable that is to admit here, in front of my beloved readers. Many of you who are Black and people of colour. And to you, I apologize deeply and sincerely for my complicitness in NOT making my anti-racism an even bigger priority. I promise to you I will do better, learn better, listen better, and take better — more aligned — action. And I will endeavour to show my work as I go (when appropriate and not about centering myself.)
The balance of this letter is addressed to my white readers.
Hiiiiiiii. So this may hurt a little....but it will be NOTHING compared to the pain our Black friends and family endure. AND I want you to know that everything I’m about to say is prefaced with the caveat that this is alllll on me to continue to do as I’m inviting you to do. Imagine a “just like me” as a suffix to my every last invocation. (Dr. Jenn McCabe is a brilliant voice on this matter.)
Allow me to sidebar here for a moment.
Yesterday, my husband and I went for a walk by the beach here in Toronto. There is a family of foxes that has taken residence under the boardwalk and has captured the attention of the city since quarantine began. Much to say on that, but you can imagine that there are some issues: how to social distance when everyone wants a peek at the cuteness? How to not get them too comfortable with humans around? And on and on.
We were a ways away from them when they popped out to play. I paused to take this grainy pic and to send it to my friend. Here was the exchange.
Know what I ALMOST wrote after “That’s the worrisome part. They should be.”? I ALMOST wrote, “Sometimes humans are the worst.” But I just narrowly stopped myself. Because look how close I am to the foxes myself.
Yes. Sometimes humans ARE the worst. Just like me.
/sidebar
Back to Johnny Silvercloud’s words. For any of you who feel the sting of truth as you read them, I invite you to read White Supremacy Culture by Tema Okun if you have not already done so.
It will be tempting to feel defensive and say almost immediately, “but I’m not a white supremacist”. (Which is precisely on-point: “defensiveness” IS a behaviour of white supremacy. This stuff is DEEEEEPLY embedded.)
And I get that because, my dear white friend, you likely think, as I had thought, that white supremacists were white-sheet-wearing, tiki lamp-bearing neo-Nazis and we OBVIOUSLY aren’t that (and the one guy who was on my list that had some horrific things to say about AOC and me has since been banned from my list).
But let’s understand that white supremacy is actually a system that keeps white people in power and privilege. A system centuries in the making (and in its upholding.) All of us who are white and who aren’t working to dismantle white supremacy are still part of the problem because whether we created the system or not, we still benefit from it so our very existence keeps it going unless we do something about it. (The 1619 Project and the podcast by the same name are a pretty good place to start to understand how the economics of this work too.)
You started to follow my work because I am an authority on the Imposter Complex. And I want you to know what I know: the intersections with white supremacy culture and the Imposter Complex are stunningly apparent.
Liiiiiiiiiike:
Perfectionism
Sense of urgency
Defensiveness
Quantity over quality
Either/or thinking
Power hoarding
Fear of open conflict
“I'm the only one”
Right to comfort
Familiar, non? (I highlighted these intersections in a Live in my FB group yesterday.)
If you’re sitting with your mouth open like I was the first time I read those characteristics (heyyyyyy “sense of urgency” as in: NOW THAT I CAN FINALLY SEE THE WORLD IS BURNING I HAVE TO FIX IT), I’ll invite you to sit with that for a moment. (Just like me.)
And then take a page out of Desiree’s teachings (you can get a healthy dose of her depth of wisdom in the first-ever episode of Ready Enough w/ Tanya Geisler). Desiree uses the Liberatory Consciousness framework from Barbara J. Love where awareness comes first, then ANALYSIS, then action and accountability/ally-ship.
It’s tempting to jump straight from awareness to action. (Heaven knows I’ve been here.) But we won’t end white supremacy in a week...or a month. Like Desiree reminds me...that’s dominant culture talking. That aforementioned “sense of urgency”.
Follow (and INVEST in hiring or becoming a patron of) the work of social justice teachers who have made this their life’s work by choice or cruel circumstance looooooong before it started to come into your focus. Shelve your ego, dig in deeply and learn so you are not causing any additional harm and let’s get to it. (Just like me.)
I don’t need to tell you how egregious the world is right now, because like I’ve said...it’s been this way for centuries.
I don’t need to tell you about the extraordinarily colour-blind behaviour prolific in the white coaching/self-development space...it’s been this way for decades.
What I do need to commit to you, my readers, ALL of my readers, is that I am deep in the analysis of my own whiteness and white fragility.
And I do indeed intend to show you my work.
It will be imperfect.
But if I wait for all to be perfect, I will never take action. And if I don’t take action, I’ll never be able to be accountable and lean into ally-ship.
And if I wait for all to be perfect, I will, once again, be colluding with white supremacy that wields perfection as a weapon. No, not like a billy club, nor a gun, nor a knee on a windpipe. But a weapon intended to silence the words that need to be said. The conversations that need to be had at our dining room tables, in our beds, in our cars, and over fences.
I am ready enough to say what needs to be said and done.
I reckon you are too.
Big big love and swaths of care for you wherever you are on your path.
PS - I have made the decision to not overwhelm you with an exhaustive list of resources as there are some excellent ones in circulation that you can find beyond those I’ve invited you to start with here. That said, this anti-racism for white people document is one my family is working through. And, if you want to take more consistent action, Black Lives Matter has this extensive list of ways to donate, protest, educate yourself. Just. Like. Me.
Lie of the Imposter Complex #8: You'll Never be Able to Pull That off Again
You did something fabulous. Got noticed. Won an award. Wrote something people cared about. Brought in a MASSIVE contract. The Big Name client said yes to YOU!
But your capacity to do more fabulous somethings has apparently been reached — at least according to your Imposter Complex.
(By the way, here’s why I say Imposter Complex instead of Imposter Syndrome).
Suddenly, you believe that your talent, skill, knowledge, creativity, and ability to seal the deal is finite. You’re certain you'll become the one-hit-wonder.
So, why bother?
Even more insidious… many don't try in the first place for FEAR of this: if my book is a huge success, what next? How will I ever replicate that?
I honestly have a headache just thinking about this.
Lie #8 out of the 12 Lies of the Imposter Complex has us thinking that whatever success we’ve experienced, we’ll never be able to replicate it again.
It was a fluke.
We got lucky.
Someone else intervened….
I frequently see this manifest with coaches and entrepreneurs who don’t own the successes they help their clients get. They say, “Sure, that client made a ton of money / turned their life around / started a movement / wrote a bestselling book / won the award… But I can’t promise that for everybody because…”
(Fill in the blank. The reasons don’t actually matter.)
How this fear of success might manifest
Depending on which of the six behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex you most often experience, you might experience the self-doubt of Lie #8 a little differently:
If you’re a people-pleaser, you don’t want to make anybody feel bad, and you definitely don’t want to brag, so you might try to soften your success by immediately following it up with the disclaimer that you won’t be able to repeat it.
If you have leaky boundaries, anyone who questions or even suggests that you might not be able to pull it off again will sound like they’re preaching gospel truth.
If you tend to compare, you’ll immediately discount your success in comparison with somebody else’s entire body of work.
If you’re a perfectionist, well, you might not acknowledge your success in the first place — you’ll just see all the places it wasn’t perfect. And those perceived imperfections will convince you that you’ll never be able to pull it off again.
If you’re a procrastinator, you’re likely to fall into the camp that says, “If I am a success this time, I’ll never be able to follow it up, so why even try....”
If you tend to diminish, you might not even acknowledge your success at all — and if you do, it will only be grudgingly, with the quick caveat that it was a fluke, a lucky break, never to be repeated…
But here’s the truth, Love: Your success was the result of the skills and will you brought to the table (and, sure, MAYBE the stars were aligned as well). And so it shall be again. As long as you keep bringing your skills and will to the table.
The one-hit-wonder gave into the Imposter Complex.
Your skills, talent, insight, knowledge, background, creativity, and grit haven’t changed. Whatever brought you to that success (yes, even “luck”!) still exist.
And you can apply them to your next endeavor to help you see that success again…
And again…
And again.
This is not to say that you will succeed every time, but rather a reminder that if you succeeded once, you can absolutely do it again.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
Lie of the Imposter Complex #7: You're Not Ready
Lie #7 of the Imposter Complex is a seductive and tricky beast because it seems rational.
It says you’re not ready… yet.
(Not ready for what? Oh, any old thing…)
Here, the Imposter Complex is finally giving you a little slack. (And we call it Imposter Complex, not imposter syndrome for a very good reason.)
It's acting all logical by pointing to the fact that you MAY be ready ONE day… that day's just not today. Yup. It's giving you slack, all right.
Just enough slack in the rope to tangle yourself into the loop of inspiration -> preparation -> frustration -> procrastination -> inspiration…
It disguises itself as the oh-so-logical argument that you just need a little more — experience, education, time, whatever.
Maybe you'll feel ready when you get that degree. Or put another 10 years under your belt. Or… or… or.
I see this crop up a lot with coaches who feel like they need to get another certification or put in some more hours coaching for free before they’re ready to charge for their services…
With entrepreneurs who feel like they need to buy another course, work with another coach, do another beta test before they launch their big thing…
With writers who need another draft, another writing group, another editor, another opinion before they start shopping their book…
How not being ready enough might manifest for you
Depending on which of the six behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex you most often experience, you might find yourself giving in to the allure of not ready because of different things:
If you’re a people-pleaser, you’re already prone to getting everyone’s opinion about your work (ie: Lie #6) and therefore you’ll take it to heart if even one person suggests you aren’t ready.
If you have leaky boundaries, you may get swept along with the crowd. If you see friends and colleagues getting another certification, buying another course, working with a new coach, you may feel compelled to do the same.
If you tend to compare, you’ll find plenty of examples of people who were more ready to prove your hypothesis that you’re not ready.
If you’re a perfectionist, well. You’ll never be ready because things will never be absolutely perfect.
If you’re a procrastinator, telling yourself that you’re not ready is a GREAT excuse not to actually do the thing. It feels like you’re still working toward your goal… Even when the goal is as far away as ever.
If you tend to diminish, this is probably also familiar territory for you, because you only ever see your shortcomings, not how far you’ve come.
Two things:
As you sit down to write the book, launch the product, step up to the mic, think about how everything you have ever made, delivered, sold, created, drafted, crafted, survived, healed, and done is coming together. Right here and now. For this very purpose. For this very moment.
And?
No one was ever fully ready. For anything.
Do it. You're ready enough.
(HEYYYY!! Someone should do a podcast called Ready Enough. Oh wait...I did!)
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
Lie of the Imposter Complex #6: You Must Tell EVERYONE About This
I’ve noticed a trend.
If you compliment someone on a dress they’re wearing, it’s pretty common that they’ll tell you that they got it on a HUGE sale…
But why do we need to know that the dress was on sale? The other person was (almost certainly) not complimenting the price tag.
I think it’s a small symptom of Lie #6 of the Imposter Complex (and we call it a complex, not imposter syndrome around these parts).
Lie #6 says that we must tell EVERYONE about this — this usually being something you feel like you have to come clean about so that everyone else knows that you know that you’re the Imposter.
Like… the price of your dress.
Sure, it’s fabulous and couture and looks like it was made for me — but I got it on sale.
OK, I got the award — but there weren’t many others competing.
Yes, I got a standing ovation — but I completely messed up the middle section of the speech.
How to recognize Lie #6
Hands up if you've ever actually said the words, "I don't belong here" at a gathering.
Do you remember the look on everyone's face? I know, it's hard to remember because you blocked it from your mind, so certain are you that you were met with nods of disgust. But allow me to jog your memory: it was a curious blend of bemusement, incredulity, and perplexion.
Know why? Because they were too busy thinking that THEY didn't belong here to even consider YOU not belonging here.
And let’s layer in this additional truth: Sometimes the greater culture conspires to make us feel that we don’t belong — especially if you’ve ever had the experience of being the only person who looks like you in the room. As my friend Staci Jordan Shelton says: “We share a common space but not a common experience."
And...guess what? You still belong.
How Lie No. 6 might manifest for you
Depending on which of the six behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex you most often experience, you might find yourself blurting things out with Lie #6 because of different things:
If you’re a people-pleaser, you definitely want to put everyone at ease — which means you might go on a self-deprecating tirade to ensure that everyone knows how ordinary and impostery you actually are.
If you have leaky boundaries, you may find yourself getting sucked into other people’s put-down festivals; if they’re talking about how much of an imposter they are, you may feel the need to join in.
If you tend to compare, you’ll be the first to offer up your deficiencies, especially as compared to anybody else.
If you’re a perfectionist, you’ll be the first to notice those perceived imperfections, and may feel compelled to point them out to everybody else, too.
If you’re a procrastinator, you might tell everyone your reasons for procrastination (which seem very important and valid at the time…).
If you tend to diminish, well, this Lie will be super familiar to you, I bet, because you spend a great deal of time telling yourself — and maybe everyone else — where you fall short.
Before you call yourself out for being an Imposter (you’re not), pause and ask what is sitting underneath that impulse.
Pause and ask yourself: “why am I talking?”
Are you looking to connect? Are you seeking validation? Something else?
When you know, you will know what to do next.
That said, knowing when to name it or not requires nuance and discernment, to be sure. I have found utility in Brené Brown’s classic words: Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand your sacred ground.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
Lie of the Imposter Complex #5: You Must Not Tell Anyone About This
Because of Lies #1 and #2 of the Imposter Complex, you don't speak of your big thing. To ANYONE.
And you definitely don’t mention that you’re nervous about it, or feeling anxious, or, you know, struggling with the Imposter Complex.
(And yes, we call it Imposter Complex, not imposter syndrome, and you can find out why here.)
Because speaking your fears will just draw attention to said inadequacy, right? Besides, what they don't know won't hurt anyone, right?
(Except, of course, maybe you.)
I famously (infamously?) call this “slipping things into the water.”
When you launch the product, release the album, write the book, finish the course, achieve the goal…
But you don’t want to make a big deal about it….
(Because secretly you’re nervous, anxious, afraid it isn’t any good…)
So you make such a little deal about it that even your nearest and dearest don’t know.
That’s slipping it into the water, trying not to make waves, trying not to rock the boat.
And then, when the product doesn’t sell, the album doesn’t top the charts, the book doesn’t get rave reviews, and nobody congratulates you on the thing, your Imposter Complex translates that as proof positive that you weren’t ready, aren’t successful, don’t deserve it.
See? Nobody cares. You’re not good enough…
The reason I’m infamous for it is that I tend to call people out on it.
You didn’t get the sales / reviews / recognition that you wanted? Did you slip it into the water?
It’s not to make anyone feel worse — absolutely not. It’s about naming what happened and shining light on that tactic of the Imposter Complex that convinced you not to tell anybody about it because they would judge you.
Naming the thing removes some of its power
We think that by naming whatever is inside of us that others will judge us.
The converse is more likely true. And more productive.
By naming the experience, you are speaking the shame and bringing compassion into the fold.
Try this: ''I'm excited to be doing this and nervous because it matters."
“I’m putting out this product because I’m proud of it and I know people need it.”
“I poured my heart and soul into this, and I’m anxious that people won’t like it, but I want to share it.”
Discernment alert: I'm not talking about Lie #6 — I must tell everybody about this.
I'm just inviting you to name it. And to sit back and watch as relief spreads across the room. Empathy too. And where there's empathy, connection is possible. (And isn't that what this is all about. after all?)
Yes.
How fear of speaking your big thing + the Imposter Complex might manifest for you
Depending on which of the six behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex you most often experience, you might go quiet with Lie #5 because of different things:
If you’re a people-pleaser, you might find you don't want to "bother" people with whatever you have going on. And you certainly don’t want to annoy anyone by being “promotional” or “too salesy.”
If you have leaky boundaries, you may find yourself NOT wanting to get feedback or hear other people’s thoughts on your feelings or doings. (Note: it’s perfectly ok to say something like, “I’m not interested in feedback right now.”)
If you tend to compare, you don’t want to talk about your thing because you think it’s not as good as somebody else’s; and you certainly don’t want to name your fears and anxieties if she isn’t…
If you’re a perfectionist, you don’t want to share because you feel like what you have to share isn’t perfect — or that your feelings just put your imperfections on display.
If you’re a procrastinator, you might be prone to convincing yourself that you’ll say it, promote it, share it later. When you get around to it…
If you tend to diminish, you’re probably going to convince yourself that nobody cares, nobody is interested, it isn’t that good, nobody’s going to listen anyway… etc.
Of course, these are all just variations on a theme — variations on the lie, designed to keep you alone and isolated, out of action, and doubting your capacity.
That’s what the Imposter Complex wants.
But when we name it — name the lie, but also name what we’re feeling, what we’re doing, how we’re showing up — we rob it of its power.
Name it.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
Lie of the Imposter Complex #4: You Have Nothing Useful to Say
I find that Lie #4 of the Imposter Complex tends to show up a lot in the guise of writer’s block.
(By the way, here’s why I say Imposter Complex instead of Imposter Syndrome).
We sit down to write a blog post, or an article, or an email, or a book, or a course, or a flippin’ Facebook post and we pause…
“You have nothing useful to say,” a voice whispers inside.
“(Or original. Or important. Or valid.)”
And it puts a hard stop to any creative output we might want to produce.
Of course, it might show up for you somewhere else — in conversation, in a meeting at work, at a party with friends, or anywhere your voice might be heard.
When we believe this lie, we say nothing. We don't communicate with our audience, our clients, our fans. We pass up opportunities to share our message (what message?) and don't collaborate with our peers (everyone knows more than I do about the topic!) And we miss out on growth, learning, and connection.
We imagine speaking to a thousand-person audience about the topic for which we feel woefully ignorant and entertain two possible outcomes: crickets or pelted tomatoes.
I hear this a lot, in particular, from people who want to write books — fiction or nonfiction.
They’ll be toiling (or poking, as the case may be) away at an idea or a manuscript, and then something with a similar premise hits the bestseller list.
CUE THE END OF THE WORLD!
OK, so there is indeed a distinct possibility that what you're saying HAS been said before.
But it’s never, ever, ever been said in the way you will say it.
YOUR WAY will be informed by your unique and complex structure of values, perspectives, experiences, strengths, heart, and your very character. And your people want to hear YOUR WAY.
Going back to our author friends, they say that there are only 7 plots (or 20, or 36 depending on who you ask).
Yet there are hundreds, maybe thousands of original books and stories published every year, each one a different version of the archetypes we already know and love.
The details are what’s important, and the details come down to each individual author — each individual person who brings their own voices, opinions, experiences, and values to the stories.
How this whisper of the Imposter Complex might manifest for you
Depending on which of the six behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex you most often experience, you might experience the self-doubt of Lie #4 in different ways:
If you’re a people-pleaser, you might find you don't want to "bother" people with your unoriginal thoughts. If it's not earth-shattering, there's no point in clogging their airwaves.
If you have leaky boundaries, you may find yourself NOT wanting to read what anyone else has said for fear it will influence your own thought process, so you isolate or deeply curate your input (perhaps to your detriment).
If you tend to compare, you’re probably super familiar with this lie! Because you’re always comparing what you want to say with what others have already said (and probably finding your version lacking).
If you’re a perfectionist, you hold such a high standard for yourself that nothing but perfect originality will suffice.
If you’re a procrastinator, thinking about how someone else has said it better will be the perfect reason to put off saying it yourself.
If you tend to diminish, you’re certainly going to get stuck on the idea that not only has it been said before, but it’s been said better.
No matter which behavioural trait is keeping you from speaking your truth in the way that only you can, the solution is to remember that your people want to hear your take, your version, your view.
These very words are a curation of learnings you've probably already heard. But they're told through MY own lens. Packaged in a way that I have intended to be practical and valuable and useful.
May it be so.
Your way’s the way.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.