I do a lot of public speaking as part of my business, teaching from the stage about the Imposter Complex (and I call it Imposter Complex not imposter syndrome for a good reason, which you can read all about if you’re interested).

And one day I realized that I had a little measure of success that I held myself to:

If I got a standing ovation for my speech, I had done a good job.

And if I didn’t, well…

It feels a little absurd even telling you that. Of course, logically, a standing ovation is not the only measure of success when speaking — but my own Imposter Complex would say otherwise.

The Imposter Complex loves worst-case scenarios and speaks in competence extremities. If you don't know everything, then you know nothing. If you are not a complete success, then you are a complete failure.

At both ends of these extremities are traps.

"Part of me thinks I'm a complete loser and the other part of me thinks that I am God Almighty." - John Lennon

Loser. God Almighty. Knowing everything. Knowing nothing. Complete success. Complete failure.

Can you imagine someone at a dinner party speaking in such absolutes?

I imagine three outcomes.

1. Ignoring them.

2. Switching seats.

3. Challenging them.

Numbers 1 + 2 might work for a dinner party that has a clear end. But now imagine a never-ending dinner party. The Hotel California of dinner parties, if you will.

Will you politely endure their boorishness for all eternity? Continue to avoid and evade? Or will you challenge them once and for all? Yeah, that. This life IS your dinner party, friends.

And the Imposter Complex does not have to be invited.

Challenge competence extremities with one word: really?

This takes practice, but you can try having an internal monologue when your Imposter Complex starts to get sassy with you. (Some of my clients even name their Imposter Complex — whatever works for you!)

When it says, “You didn’t get a standing ovation. They hated your talk. You’re a failure.”

You can counter gently and simply with, “Really?”

Is it really true that I’m a failure or that they hated my talk if I don’t receive a standing O?  Of course not.

It’s a little trick that can help you recognize the voice of the Imposter Complex — and stop it in its tracks. 

How extremes of the binary in the Imposter Complex might manifest

Depending on which of the six behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex you most often experience, you might experience Lie #3 like this:

If you’re a people-pleaser, you might put a lot of stock in what other people say about you — and then your all or nothing-ness will swing wildly depending on how those winds are blowing.

If you have leaky boundaries, you may let people’s opinions about you, your abilities, and your worth dictate whether you feel all or nothing at any given moment instead of resting in your own self-knowledge.

If you tend to compare, you will feel like nothing whenever you notice someone else being all — and vice versa.

If you’re a perfectionist, you may never get to feeling like you’re all — because you’ll feel like everything you do falls short, meaning you are nothing.

If you’re a procrastinator, you’ll spend time thinking and worrying about whether you are all or nothing instead of getting busy with your own work.

If you tend to diminish, you may never let yourself feel those feelings of being “all” and you’ll explain it away until you’re back down to nothing.

No matter which behavioural trait is whispering to you that you are all or nothing, the best and only way to wriggle free is by deepening into the truth that there are very few absolutes in this life — despite what the Imposter Complex would have us believe.

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Click here for my free training:

Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.

Dearest Lauren - 

You know how we do this by now.

You get a year older, and I sit here, gobsmacked at how incredible you are.

I try to find the words to express the overwhelming emotions I feel, but it’s not unlike trying to catch fireflies.

Bless me, I have tried.

On your eighth, ninth, tenth, eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth, fourteenth and fifteenth, I have tried.

I don’t want to give the virus more airtime...this is YOUR day. Your month. Your year.

Because your sixteenth is...SIGNIFICANT.

But the virus bears mentioning because it has forced us into close quarters with nowhere to hide. We have watched, up close and personal the YOU you are. The realest YOU you are.

Kind and impatient.
Thoughtful and silly.
Sweet and salty.
Focused and lighthearted.
Simple in your desires, complex in your emotions.

But do you also know how courageous you are?

You aren’t afraid to feel.
And you’re not afraid to question.
And you’re not afraid to challenge.
And you’re not afraid to take a stand...for what matters.

So we wanted to mark the You You Are in the best way we could given the restrictions of the physical distancing.

Instead of a bash, and sitting fifth row at Hamilton as planned, we surprised you with a Sweet-Sixteen-in-Quarantine-Surprise-Zoom-Party.

And your friends showed UP. They made you stuffies, and original art, and Tik-Toks and videos and an original song that makes me cry every time I hear it.

So instead of me trying and failing to find the words, I’ll defer to those lyrics written and performed by your friends:

How to explain it?
Trying to find the words to say out loud
Where to begin this?
You always make me laugh somehow
Wish we could find a better way to be with you right now.
Life’s better when you’re around.

Aren’t your father and I the lucky ones? We get to be around YOU.

As you evolve into your truest self, independent and carefree, certain of mind and heart, you are the all.

And we give deepest thanks.

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Click here for my free training:

Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.

Oprah says that every person she has interviewed — including Barack Obama and Béyonce herself — have asked her the same question as soon as the cameras were off:

“After every interview at some point, somebody would say, ‘How was that? Was that OK? How’d I do?’”

Even Béyonce!

Now, the Imposter Complex would like us to believe that successful people never feel like imposters.

(And I call it Imposter Complex instead of imposter syndrome for a good reason — but this is true whatever you want to call it.)

It would like us to believe that when (if) we reach a certain level of success (somewhere far beyond where we are currently, obviously), then we will know for certain that we are successful. That we are no longer imposters.

It pretends there is some bright line that separates the imposters from the truly successful.

And it colludes with Lie #1 to have us believe that the very fact that we are doubting ourselves is proof that we are imposters. 

The Imposter Complex, quite frankly, is kind of like a traveling companion. The more you do, the more places you succeed, the more opportunities it will find to point out all you still don't know… and other places in your life that you may not be living up to its incredibly high standards.

In fact, it's the reason so many of us don't climb too high in the first place; we’re afraid of falling (or failing). Staying close to the ground is insurance against getting hurt. You don’t want to shine too bright, or you’ll be cut down.

And yet, the desire to climb is palpable (and your birthright).

How successful identity and the Imposter Complex might manifest

Depending on which of the six behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex you most often experience, you might experience Lie #2 a little differently:

If you’re a people-pleaser, you will probably find yourself wondering how you got invited to the cool kids’ table at some point, convinced that none of them are wondering the same thing and that they only invited you to be nice, after all.

If you have leaky boundaries, you may defer to other people’s opinions about you, your abilities, and your worth instead of standing in your own knowledge and power.

If you tend to compare, this lie is all you, baby! You are comparing yourself to those you perceive to be more successful and are certain you don’t measure up. 

If you’re a perfectionist, you’ll probably be telling yourself that those people you perceive as more successful than you could have, would have done it better (completely ignoring how well you did it in the first place).

If you’re a procrastinator, you’ll spend time thinking and worrying about those “more successful” people instead of getting busy with your own (amazing) work.

If you tend to diminish, welp… doubting your capacity, or at least DIMINISHING your capacity is what this lie is all about.

No matter which behavioural trait is keeping your belief about your capacity at bay, the best and only way to wriggle free is by deepening into the TRUTH: that successful people absolutely do experience this.

That’s why I take such delight in collecting stories of the great and the good who feel the same way you do.

And if you find yourself thinking, “Yeah, but…,” here is one more charming illustration that successful people absolutely do experience the Imposter Complex as acutely as anyone, from bestselling author Neil Gaiman (emphasis mine):

Some years ago, I was lucky enough to be invited to a gathering of great and good people: artists and scientists, writers and discoverers of things.  And I felt that at any moment they would realize that I didn’t qualify to be there, among these people who had really done things.

On my second or third night there, I was standing at the back of the hall, while a musical entertainment happened, and I started talking to a very nice, polite, elderly gentleman about several things, including our shared first name. And then he pointed to the hall of people, and said words to the effect of, “I just look at all these people, and I think, what the heck am I doing here? They’ve made amazing things. I just went where I was sent.”

And I said, “Yes. But you were the first man on the moon. I think that counts for something.”

And I felt a bit better. Because if Neil Armstrong felt like an imposter, maybe everyone did. Maybe there weren’t any grown-ups, only people who had worked hard and also got lucky and were slightly out of their depth, all of us doing the best job we could, which is all we can really hope for.

Amen, Neil(s).  Cosigned 100%.

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Click here for my free training:

Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.

The Imposter Complex has three objectives:

1. To keep you alone and isolated.

2. To keep you out of action.

3. And to keep you doubting your capacity.

So, it’s no coincidence that Lie #1 of the 12 Lies of the Imposter Complex is that your self-doubt is proof of your inadequacy.

(By the way, here’s why I say Imposter Complex instead of Imposter Syndrome).

It’s one of the Imposter Complex’s oldest refrains…

If you doubt yourself, how can anyone else trust in you?
How can you lead and serve others when you're full of self-doubt?

In fact, as far back as 1978, when Clinical Psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes were studying the Imposter Phenomenon at Oberlin College in Ohio, they noticed that at its most basic:

“Despite outstanding academic and professional accomplishments, women who experience the impostor phenomenon persist in believing that they are really not bright and have fooled anyone who thinks otherwise. Numerous achievements, which one might expect to provide ample objective evidence of superior intellectual functioning, do not appear to affect the imposter belief.”  The imposter phenomenon in high achieving women: Dynamics and therapeutic intervention.  (Emphasis mine.) 

In other words, folks who suffer from the Imposter Complex have an innate tendency to doubt their capacity — and use it as concrete proof of their inadequacy. 

But the very fact that you’re experiencing the Imposter Complex in the first place is proof that you are conscientious, high-functioning, and have strong values of integrity and excellence. Honestly; high-achievers are statistically much more likely to experience the Imposter Complex. 

It’s also often a byproduct of the world and culture we live in that certain folks doubt themselves because they have been taught to do so. 

This is conditioning, but it can be overcome. 

How that self-doubt as proof might manifest

Depending on which of the six behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex you most often experience, you might experience the self-doubt of Lie #1 a little differently:

If you’re a people-pleaser, it’s pretty much a given that you will discount the praise of others, when they tell you you’ve done a good job, or when they invite you to step up and lead. They’re just being nice, after all. (No...actually, they’re not.)

If you have leaky boundaries, you may shelve what you think you know, what you THINK you are capable of, in favour of others’ perspectives, which erodes your confidence in your knowing even more.

If you tend to compare, you know all you’ve done will never quite stack up to what others have done. Or you may despair that you’ll never be capable of what you see others doing. 

If you’re a perfectionist, anything you’ve already achieved will never quite stack up to your impossibly high standards of what you OUGHT to be capable of.

If you’re a procrastinator, every second you spend not doing the thing erodes your confidence in your ability to do the thing in the first place.

If you tend to diminish, welp… doubting your capacity, or at least DIMINISHING your capacity is the name of the game. You don’t want to shine too bright, or you’ll be cut down.

No matter which behavioural trait is keeping your belief about your capacity at bay, the best and only way to wriggle free is by deepening into the TRUTH: that self-doubt is proof of your humanity, not your inadequacy. 

Self-doubt is proof of your humanity.

Not your inadequacy.

Flip self-doubt on its head

Although it’s easy to see these lies as only negatives, holding us back, there is a bright side.

This doubt you experience? Keeps you on your edge, striving for mastery. And that is what MAKES you a good leader. 

Your standards and expectations of yourself are realllllllly high. And though you won’t admit it to many people, you want to be THE BEST at everything you do.

But that’s how you will create your impeccable impact. 

You just need to gather some tools to help you root into the truth about your abilities. 

Even more great news: they exist.

Start with my free training on the Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex. and I guarantee you’ll find yourself nodding and “aha!”-ing at at least one of them.

Stick it in your toolbox. Bring it out the next time you’re certain that your own self-doubt means you’re less worthy. 

And remember what it really is: All lies.

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Click here for my free training:

Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.

I’ve been talking a lot lately about impeccability. I guess you could say it’s my word of the year, but moreover, it’s been the THING I’ve been in pursuit of for coming up on a decade.

And I’ve been asked by many what I mean by that.

Because when you look it up, it seems to hold a meaning that is antithetical to all that I speak, write and teach about.

It’s defined in austere terms like faultless. Pure. Pristine.

A little too close to perfectionism for comfort.

And I’m here to tear perfectionism down—because in my experience, it only ever​ gets in the way of us doing what needs to be done.

I talk about how perfectionism is one more way that the Imposter Complex wins (you may have heard this referred to Imposter Syndrome, here’s why Imposter Complex is the more correct term to use).
How perfectionism is inextricably linked to a patriarchal vision that cannot be met and causes real damage.
How perfectionism keeps us out of action, doubting our capacity, and alone and isolated.

And ultimately how you are ready enough — exactly as you are. To do and say the things you need to do and say. Because now more than ever, we need you (and me) to say and do the things we need to say and do. There are continents burning and guns in the sky.

So I get the confusion.

And still.

I stand by it.

Because here’s my distinction:

Perfectionism is the lowest possible standard because it simply doesn’t exist.
Impeccability is a continuous elevation of standards.

Perfectionism is a gold star from some external generalized other.
Impeccability is an internal aspirational pull towards goodness and greatness and justice.

Thinking about being perfect in my word makes me stay quiet.
Thinking about being impeccable in my word has me speak truer.

“One of the most calming and powerful actions you can do to intervene in a stormy world is to stand up and show your soul. Struggling souls catch light from other souls who are fully lit and willing to show it.” - Clarissa Pinkola Estés

That.

A story

A long long time ago, I was invited to a glorious weekend on Whidbey Island in the Pacific Northwest. My friend Ronna Detrick had invited me as she was looking to circle up some wise women.

I was flattered, to put it mildly. Like the host herself, the women she had gathered were brilliant and big-hearted.

I was also thrilled to meet new friends and connect with others I’d only known on-line until that weekend: Lianne Raymond, Julie Daley, Andrea Olson, and my former client, Tara Sophia Mohr. With the exception of Julie, I had never hugged any of them in person. I could write a book about how I felt as I flew across the country to meet these women. It was quite significant for me on every level.

But I digress.

We ate well and danced and made wishes on the new moon. We laughed and celebrated Ronna’s new site and my new program launch and shed a tear or two. I think I made kale chips, if I recall correctly. It was a long time ago—back in 2012.

But one thing I do recall with great clarity is a conversation I had on one of the many walks we took. I was in step with Tara and we were sharing some deep-seated fears around our work. I’ll not share hers, but I can tell you mine lived around my output and body of work.

I found myself saying, rather glibly, that I was a “high-functioning underachiever”. I felt quite clever to have named myself as such, but my keen-eyed former client asked me what I yearned for inside that belief.

“Impeccability,” I said, with relief. Like a weight had been lifted.

The word actually stopped me dead in my tracks, to be honest.

Which got the attention of those walking ahead of us.

They asked what was up and I told them. Every last one of those women had the same reaction. A light-hearted laugh and the response that they ONLY saw my work as impeccable.

I was floored. And it was the first time I got, REALLY got that my outsides weren’t matching my insides.

It was then that I understood, REALLY understood the power the Imposter Complex had held over me and my deeper, VISCERAL understanding of it and what it keeps from us.

(That was, not so coincidentally, the weekend that the seed was planted for my TEDx talk that would happen later that year—with Ronna, Julie, and Tara all taking the same stage for their own talks. Lianne was the one that made it happen on our behalf. A forever gift.)

So let me break it down for you.

Impeccability means congruence. A syncing of our insides with our outsides.
Impeccability means an elevation of standards.
Impeccability means precision over perfection.
Impeccability means expecting more of ourselves.
Impeccability means having more to give because there’s more in the tank.
Impeccability offers grace when there ISN’T more in the tank.

Perfection is punition.

I’ve said I’m done settling.
I’ve said I’m done living my life halfway.

I’ve said it, and to be impeccable with my word means I mean it.

Every day, I ask myself how I can be more impeccable in my word, my intention, and my impact. Every day I ask myself what I need to tap into to rise up to a higher standard. And every day the answers look and feel different.

This morning’s inquiry led me to write this post. And to make a financial contribution I’ve been meaning to make to a charity assisting people and wildlife affected by the bushfires in Australia. And to support preparation for a client session that will be big, deep, and wide. And to turn down a speaking opportunity that isn’t aligned. And to tend to my kid home with a fever and possibly strep throat.

Will I do ANY of it perfectly? No. But can I intend to do it with presence and integrity? Most assuredly.

That’s what I want.

And I reckon the same holds true for you. In your work, in your leadership, and in your impact.

I’ve got some new training that may just help you lock it in. You can find that here.

Or, we can go ahead and get on a call to see how I can help you step in with the Impeccable Impact I know you’re desiring.

Either way, I’ve got your back, and you can trust my word on that. Impeccably.​

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Check out my free training on the 5 ICONIC Shifts Leaders Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact

Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.