Articles
The ICONIC Framework
Over the years, I’ve been talking a lot about what it means to be ICONIC.
Because at a baseline, I believe it sits at the center of so much that we want.
To be one of a kind
Irreplaceable
Unforgettable
Legendary
Influential
Recognizable
Unapologetic
Relevant
It is undeniable in how indelibly we are marked by folks who we see as ICONIC in their influence on culture:
Tracy Chapman at the 2024 Grammys, comes to mind.
Iris Apfel (RIP, Icon)
RuPaul
Oprah
Billy Porter
Cher
Michelle Obama
In part, they know WHO. THEY. ARE.
And let’s call it: there are very few folks I know who would not love being seen and known as ICONIC. For their impact, their thought scholarship, their influence.
Think about it: when you’re told that something you do is iconic, don’t you feel well seen?
And of course, the reason I’m so fascinated by this experience is that the desire to be ICONIC can rankle the IC–the Imposter Complex. (You might say “Imposter Syndrome”, but I don’t and here’s why.)
In fact, you can’t spell ICONIC without “IC”...twice. It will try to get you coming and going.
And expressions of this fascination include my TEDx talk on the Imposter Complex.
Programs and a quiz I’ve created around ICONIC Identity.
Experts I’ve spoken to about the ICONIC Effect.
Programs devoted to ICONIC Impact and mastermind spaces dedicated to creating ICONIC Legacy.
(And if any of this work sounds inviting to you, let’s get on an ICONIC spotlight session to see where it would best support you.)
But I’ve never shared with you the exact framework that I developed to truly address and tackle the IC, (with the help of the Thumbprint Model created by Pam Slim, Darron Padilla and Josiah Owens).
Until now.
It’s a process that is so simple to me.
It’s how I approach everything that is worth doing.
And I’m sharing it with you such that it will support you in all you want to do as well.
Let’s go.
First of all, ICONIC isn’t JUST a rabble-rousing word. It’s not JUST a calling forth that evokes an immediate and visceral response.
(I mean it is…go ahead and try it out…say aloud “I am ICONIC” and see if you don’t sit up just a little bit taller.)
It’s also a very clever acronym.
An acronym that every icon has ever used to do anything and everything that matters, whether they have meant to or not.
And I want you to have it.
I is for Identity
And it’s as frustratingly simple as that.
Oprah had to envision herself at the helm of her own network before it became a reality. Mel Robbins embraced her potential to host a groundbreaking podcast before it topped the charts. Malala Yousafzai saw herself as a catalyst for change before she was recognized as a Nobel Peace Prize laureate and a global advocate for education.
From business mogul to social justice warrior to pop culture icons, they had to see themselves as the person CAPABLE of their incredible feats first.
And so how you see yourself is the very beginning of the ICONIC journey.
Which is why I’ve been thinking so much on the ICONIC Identity you need to step into that will get you there. Now, long time readers will recall that I’ve been using “starring role” language for a really long time. This ICONIC language feels even more resonant.
Aspirational with a healthy dose of gravitas. Rooted. Powerful.
This work stems from my ICONIC Identity Quiz and the occasional delivery of a short ICONIC Identity workshop/course that illustrates the “golden shadows” that the coping (and safety) mechanisms of the Imposter Complex reveal…and potential ICONIC Identities to explore.
For instance:
The CEO: Perfectionism highlights a commitment to excellence, a trait central to the iconic identity of the CEO. This pursuit of impeccable standards showcases their dedication to achieving the highest peaks of success.
The Host: The tendency to please others reflects a deep-rooted value of inclusivity, key to the Host's iconic identity. By striving to accommodate and welcome everyone, the Host embodies the spirit of unity and belonging, making them a beacon of hospitality.
The Healer: Leaky boundaries demonstrate an underlying generosity, marking the Healer's iconic identity. Their open-hearted approach to giving, (sometimes beyond their limits) underscores a profound capacity to care and heal, making their generosity their hallmark.
The Maven: A habit of comparison underlines a desire for connection, pivotal to the Maven's iconic identity. This continuous seeking of benchmarks and learning from others fosters a deep-seated sense of community and shared wisdom, establishing them as lifelong seers, learners and connectors.
The Visionary: Diminishment reflects a value of humility. Often visionaries feel the bigness of their ideas, but tend to hide behind them, forgetting that we need them out in front WITH their big world-chaging ideas. Both/and.
The Sage: Procrastination can reveal a great value of discernment, integral to the Sage's iconic identity. This careful consideration and delay in decision-making highlight a deep wisdom and thoughtfulness, ensuring that actions taken are meaningful and informed.
Go ahead and take the ICONIC Identity quiz to see which one is most likely yours. (Hint: your result will also highlight your leadership edge.)
C is for Confront
Confront the CRITICS, that is.
You see…one of the three main objectives of the Imposter Complex is to keep you out of action.
How it does so is pretty layered, with its 12 very specific lies and a myriad of clever tricks.
But in general, what is standing in the way of everything we say we want are critics. And in my work, we go ahead and meet those critics. Head on.
Which is really an invitation to get clear about what’s REALLY here. Be they realistic objections, ACTUAL critics of our actions, or your own inner critics.
Once we know the nature of the objection/obstacle, we can address it. How we do so is layered and nuanced, but we must discern what we’re dealing with first before we devise the action plan.
Because if we are blocked, we are out of action. And the Imposter Complex wins.
And I am CLEARLY not here for that.
O is for Optimize
The Imposter Complex’s second objective is to have you doubt your capacity.
The critics will have done a good job trying to convince you of all the reasons you CAN’T do the world-changing things.
And yes, in the confronting, you’ve worked out the fallacies.
But now it’s about rooting into proof positive about all you have already done so you can be reminded on a cellular level what you are indeed capable of.
This has the energy of drawing back the arrow so you can shoot forward with power.
It’s a reflection of all that has been done, delivered, sold, survived and healed in spite of the tripwires set up by the critics. It’s easy to forget once we’ve overcome the obstacles, but it’s vital that we remember all the OTHER times we’ve stood at this very precipice of our expansion, jumped and saw that the party was on the other side of the resistance.
And for folks with strong values of integrity, proficiency and excellence who operate at a high level, the ego often prevents them from recalling their accomplishments. Why’s that? Because the ego wants to want more than it wants to get.
Sit with that a moment.
The ego wants to want more than it wants to get.
And if you disagree with me, tell me right now, what was your biggest win from yesterday? I don’t want to hear that the weather was lovely, or that your colleague got a promotion. I want to know what YOU made happen that you count as a win?
In my work, I’ve formerly called this piece “Bolstering your authority thesis” and it’s a process of gathering internal data points of accomplishments, certifications, acknowledgments, and THEN going outside for external proof points. The order of that is pretty important, especially for those people-pleasers who will just assume that everyone is just being nice.
(Worth noting, a client did this series of exercises with me only to message me days later to say she had forgotten to include the PhD she had earned.
N is for Network
The third objective of the Imposter Complex is to keep us alone and isolated. But no one was ever, EVER intended to do any of this alone.
Making sure we are surrounded by good people is essential for our good work…so this is where we assess our network. This is really about understanding who we are surrounded by, how we ask for and receive support, and from whom. Not everyone wants to see us succeed, but YOUR people do, so this is about cultivating more of that…and navigating trickier relationships that we just may need to divest from.
It’s also a consideration of how we are supporting others around us.
The most successful people I know do something that I have historically called “assemble the cast”. They consistently uplift and amplify three particular groups:
Their teachers (citing and acknowledging their thought scholarship…attribution for the win.)
Their colleagues and peers (community care and collaboration over scarcity and competition…it’s more than a lovely idea.)
Folks coming up behind them who could use a helping hand. (Remember when a coffee chat might have given you the exact lift you needed?)
This rugged individualism is killing us. Let’s do better, together.
This article explores this in far greater detail.
I is for Implement
In other words…do the work.
Which I always think is good news.
We GET to do the work.
It’s what we love.
It’s what matters to us (otherwise we wouldn’t be experiencing the Imposter Complex).
It’s what stretches us.
So we implement. (“I” could also be for “iterate” or “invoke”, but implement gets to the heart of it.)
We get into action, work with our patterns, remember to circumnavigate the tripwires of the critics, gather the support of our network, remember what we are capable of, and get it done.
Decisions made and action taken. Confidence is created by action. Not the other way around.
C is for Celebrate
The final step in any work that matters is celebration.
You know the annoying yoga instructor who insists savasana is the most important pose in any practice? Yeah. I’m with them on this.
How else would we integrate the learnings? How else do we allow ourselves to recognize, on a cellular level, that we are intended to experience rest in joy?
Seems simple enough, but once again, high achievers struggle with this. The Imposter Complex (and other conditioned influences…capitalism comes to mind) can keep us in a striving loop. But rest and celebration is vital to integrate our good work and to signal completion.
And yes, it also helps us level-set for what comes next…WHEN the time is right.
Ready for the next…you get that?
This IS iterative work.
Reminder that you can’t spell ICONIC, without IC, twice.
Meaning it will come for you the moment you decide you are an icon, and it will get you when you are ready to stretch into the next. Coming and going.
But now you don’t need to let the Imposter Complex win. When you’re ready to fully implement the ICONIC framework, I’ll be here.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
Five of the best pieces of speaking advice I've ever received
Since sharing my Speaking Gig Discovery Call Checklist (yours to grab here if you missed it), I’ve been fielding a lot more Qs than usual about the speaking arm of my business.
Seems you didn’t realize just how much of it I actually do, or how meaningful this part of my business is to me.
Because being invited to a stage is a most incredible honour. As I’ve said before, our attention is being commodified at every turn. So to be entrusted with the time and attention of dozens, hundreds or even thousands of people is just about as good as it gets for me.
Which means you can bet I show up and I DELIVER with everything I have.
And everything leading up to taking the stage is something of an art form.
The talk itself is just one of them.
Getting to the venn diagram of where the audience’s needs intersect with both the desired outcome of the organizers AND the content that I am best suited to deliver is something of an art form.
Pricing is something of an art form.
Structure is something of an art form.
Running the Discovery Call is something of an art form. (Precisely what the checklist will help you prepare for.)
And then there’s taking the stage.
Now, in fairness…this, FOR ME, is the easiest part. (I know this is true for many of you too. But not for all.)
I dream of that moment I take the stage.
I dream of the way time seems to stand still when a point I’ve made really connects with the audience. The moment that was previously not known will now never be unknown. (That was a mouthful, but it’s pure magic.)
I dream less about the applause and more about the lively Q+A portion of the keynote.
But/and, as comfortable as I have been most of my life in front of an audience, when I sit with the investment of time and energy and resources it takes to get me onstage, my nerves can still have their say.
And so, I come back to the five best pieces of speaking advice I’ve ever received.
1.Trust the intelligence in the room.
This comes from my friend and colleague Julie Daley who shared this with me in 2012 as we were preparing to take the TEDx stage. The meaning of this has shifted and deepened significantly as I have spoken in every conceivable kind of room.
But what I’ve always held it to be is a reminder that we are all co-creating an experience. That I am not the only one with will here. That my words matter, but so does the impact. And also, it reminds me to leave plenty of space for what shows up.
2. Know that everyone in the audience is already rooting for you.
It’s so easy to imagine folks wanting to pelt tomatoes, but you know yourself, when you see someone on that stage, you WANT them to win.
They already believe in you…match their belief and rise up to meet it…and then, go on and blow their hair back.
And for the 5% who may be unconvinced? You weren’t going to win them over anyway.
3. Imagine you’re speaking to your favourite client, reader, friend or teammate.
You want them to hear and know your message because what you name is going to shift something vital for them.
There is a bottleneck that is keeping them from their full expression and activation…and what you are naming just may release it.
This MATTERS.
4. You may not be the only one in the room who knows your topic, but you’re here for your unique perspective and lived experience.
There are two parts to this for me.
Remembering that MY experience is mine and though we may be in the same shared space, we aren’t all experiencing the world in the same way. (I give thanks to my friend Staci Jordan Shelton for this context.)
In more recent years, I’ve begun every talk acknowledging that my work is informed by my experience as a white, neurotypical cishet woman of middle class means living in North America. And I acknowledge that my experience may well not be the same as many in the audience. Nor am I the teacher or guide for everyone.
AND that my lived experience IS what brings uniqueness to my perspective.
I certainly didn’t invent the notion of the Imposter Complex. AND no one talks about it the way that I do, with the particular nuances borne of my stumbles and deepened understanding of intersectionality and the ways this experience plays out.
In fact, if I were to believe my perspective didn’t matter, I’d be paradoxically colluding with lie #4 of the Imposter Complex “you have nothing useful to say.”
Nope. Not on my watch.
5. “You can totally rock this. It's terrifying as all hell, but so is all the great stuff we do in life. It's a sign of exhilaration.”
This came from Elan Morgan after I saw them speak at a conference and was struck enough by their presence to seek their best speaking advice. And whew.
I believe this more and more every time I remind myself of all the stages I have ‘totally rocked’. Rooting into proof positive about all that we have done is a vital Imposter Complex-busting strategy. Especially all the times we remembered that we jumped and discovered the party was on the other side of the resistance.
There you have it. My five best pieces of speaking advice I have received and that I have to offer.
But while we are here, after the gig, you will want to know how you did. (Just as I did recently).
That is not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of your value of excellence, proficiency and integrity. It’s a sign that this part of your thought leadership and thought scholarship is meaningful to you. It’s a sign that you are a pro. Ask for the feedback.
Okay, then.
Reminder, if you haven’t downloaded the Speaking Gig Discovery Call Checklist, have at it here. My inbox is full of emails of appreciation from folks already implementing my process. (You’re welcome!)
Share the love! I would be so grateful if you invited the speakers in your life to sign up for the resource here.
And finally, If you are keen on getting support in your own speaking, I just may be able to help.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
Thirteen hallmarks of people-pleasers
As I’ve shared many times and in many ways over the years, there are six coping mechanism that folks tend to hide out in to avoid the feeling brought on by the Imposter Complex. (And by the way, here’s why I say Imposter Complex instead of imposter syndrome).
And those mechanisms are: diminishment, comparison, perfectionism, procrastination, leaky boundaries, and finally, my personal go-to: people-pleasing.
I wanted to drill down some into people-pleasing tendencies to shine a light on how it can reveal itself.
But there are a couple of caveats I want to offer before we dive in. Because context and discernment matter.
In this article, when I say "they", of COURSE I mean, "me" too.
I said "TENDENCY" because these are not absolutes.
There are about a million other reasons folks might display tendencies 1-13, including trauma. And for folks who have been systemically excluded, people-pleasing can be a way of staying SAFE.
So, that's here too.
But for me and my experience, when I was able to make people around me happy, that made my life easier. Also? I know it includes my relationality as well as my deep value of inclusivity. It means I'm a phenomenal Host. I'm not going to make myself wrong for that.
AND? There have been times it has been in my way. When I have undercharged and overdelivered, hustled too hard and in the wrong direction to prove my worth, and forgotten to honour my word to myself.
With that, I give you the Thirteen Hallmarks of People-Pleasing.
Feel they have to agree with everyone.
Most often, this agreeable behaviour is one that has been conditioned and that they have been praised and prized for.
Over-identify with how other people feel and take massive responsibility.
There is a hyper vigilance here that is exhausting and like a hungry ghost. Let me remind you that you are not the world’s liver, required to regulate and process everything for everyone.
Apologize often and unnecessarily.
A peace-keeping tactic, this stems from a gorgeous space of wanting to take responsibility, but CAN devolve into insincerity…which sits in opposition to our value of integrity.
Feel burdened by the things they have to do.
This feeling of burden and even resentment is a clear sign that the people-pleasing has lead them to over-extend themselves. A great learning for next time if we can see it for what it is.
Have a verrrrry hard time saying no.
While this might sound more like leaky boundaries to some (and people-pleasing and boundaries definitely have some overlap), I see a distinction here in that when it’s a boundary issue, you might not know where your yeses and nos diverge…whereas with people-pleasing, you KNOW you’re a no, and choose the yes instead.
Cannot tolerate the discomfort of someone being upset with them.
No one that I know loves discomfort. But discomfort is not the same as lack of safety. It’s an important distinction and your deep value of integrity knows the difference.
Act like the people around them.
Taking on the mannerisms of other folks has long been taught as a tactic to create trust and fellowship between two parties. AND? We can get lost in it.
REQUIRE praise to feel good.
Most of us love to receive praise. (Though it can be challenging for many of us to really internalize it…but that’s an article for another time.) But the moment it become a requirement and not a nice to have, it’s tipped into people-pleasing territory.
Go to great lengths to avoid conflict.
Show me a people-pleaser whose therapist has NOT said they are conflict avoidant. Go ahead…I dare you.
Don’t admit when their feelings are hurt.
Given how relational and empathetic people-pleasers tend to be, it’s likely they’ve been charged with being “overly sensitive” in their formative years. Which meant that it became a liability to express their true emotions. And
Don’t feel they’ve earned their spot.
They feel they just got "THERE" because people LIKE them...not because they are deeply skilled and talented at what they do.
And this is inextricably linked with the Imposter Complex…even folks who maintain they don’t experience the IC can recognize themselves in “they’re just being nice” when given an opportunity.
Don’t ask for what they need.
Over-givers by nature, it’s tricky for people-pleasers to ask (and receive in kind) which creates a connection paradox. They WANT to feel that connection, but not inviting others in inhibits the connection they seek. (Because: ding, ding, ding…YOUR PEOPLE want to help you, just as you want to help THEM.)
Don’t want to rock the boat.
Smooth sailing is the name of the game for many people-pleasers. (Though in truth, this one doesn’t ring as true for me personally…I’m more concerned about making things right than I am making things smooth at this season in my life.)
Knowing how to navigate the people-pleasing that has ridden side-saddle with me my whole life has been my work. It has cost me plenty when unattended.
AND I know now that the golden shadow of inclusivity that people-pleasing holds is a super power. It means I gather people exquisitely, bring plenty of compassion and empathy into my leadership and ultimately, can be harnessed for true good.
And I am here for THAT. I suspect you are too.
Check out my quiz to see which coping mechanism of the Imposter Complex can get in YOUR way too…AND the gifts and your leadership edge that it holds.
The liminal space is the hardest part. (In life, leadership and definitely in empty nesting.)
This is a letter/article that’s been on my heart for years.
It holds the words I wished someone would have written for me as I prepared (in vain) for the way my whole life was to be turned upside down the moment our daughter stepped out of our nest.
(And if you’re here for the leadership lessons, I reckon you’ll find that in the final five sentences of this article.)
Words that I could hold and believe again and again and again and again, like:
She will be fine.
You will be fine.
Maybe even better than fine.
And no, things won’t be the same.
Like every level of evolution…from milk to solids, from diaper to potty, from crib to bed, from daycare to afterschool job, there is no going back.
And? This liminal space is the hardest part.
(Gawd, I wish I believed the folks who walked this path before when they told me that.)
This liminal space is the hardest part.
But let me add some of my own observations in the hopes that they support you as you prepare to send your own off to school (or another adventure).
Don’t expect others to understand your precise experience.
They mean well, at least the people you are sharing your grief with.
And in their desire to keep you uplifted, they will tell you things in the vein of what I was told specifically, like:
That you should be happy she is going to a school so close.
That she could be across the country or across the ocean.
That she got into school at all. That she could have failed and dashed your (ahem) visions of a post-secondary education.
That there is even school this year given the years of uncertainty that COVID brought.
That you even HAVE a kid (because that was always on your heart).
That you have a HEALTHY kid.
That you’re only feeling this grief because of the massive love you hold.
That this is your job to love her into her independence and here we are and it’s time to let go.
And they would be right.
But so is your grief.
(And while we’re at it, have you ever noticed that no one tells someone who has suffered a loss how to grieve? Like: you’re lucky you had such a great parent? Think of all the free time you have now? At least you have their memories? Nah. So why is this acceptable with empty nesting?)
Your grief is also real and valid and not everyone will get it and that’s just fine.
You will feel what you will feel. You will vacillate.
You will feel loss for all the moments you will miss their presence, and massive pride and elation for all the joy to come, and parallel sorrow with theirs if they don’t get their first choice, and worry about the choices they will make and will only really be able to sink back on your heels of knowing that you did your best. Even though that knowing will feel less like certainty and more like a a statement with an inevitable ellipses.
“I did my best…”
Just like right now.
You will do your best.
Anticipatory grief is a hungry ghost.
I can tell you now that on the other side of our daughter leaving home for her first year of school that the anticipatory grief just about took me out.
So I worked with a therapist, and created notion boards and plans, and systems and structures that were designed to avoid the hard and when that didn’t work, I reached out to friends and when they didn’t quite get it, this SNL skit brought me untold bouts of joy.
But the moment she was settled in her classes, routine and friend group, the ease that surrounded my heart was surprisingly familiar. Like, seeing her happy face when I picked her up at the gate after a day of Kindergarten. Knowing it was the right place for her…and for me.
May that be so for you with yours.
So I can affirm for me, that the anticipation was indeed the worst part.
She is back for the summer. She has indeed ripped through all of my Crest (actually, Zimba) strips.
And the energy of this household has once again shifted. Filled with her non-sequiturs and little piles of ‘things’ and yes…even the oft-cited ‘fit check.
My focus is once again splayed towards her like a heliotrope cranes towards the sun.
Because, as ever, this is all borrowed time.
There may not be many more move-back-homes for the summer.
She could move across the city or country or the ocean. Who knows what uncertainty lurks up ahead. (And you see where I could go next, right?)
So I’m savouring it as best as I can. This borrowed and precious time.
This life is only and ever transitions and borrowed time and trying to root into the present, isn’t it?
So for those about to send their kids off into their adventure, I will offer you this:
They will be fine.
You will be fine.
Maybe even better than fine.
And no, things won’t be the same.
And for ALL of us:
As you expand into the next, remember that the liminal space is often the hardest part.
You will be fine.
Maybe even better than fine.
And no, things won’t be the same.
That’s a good thing.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
Nineteen
Dearest Lauren -
This morning, you are waking up as a nineteen year-old.
In your bed at residence, happily ensconced in your first year of university, seeing the buds bursting just outside your dorm window that overlooks the CN Tower. The quad will be buzzing with life later today and I can’t help but wonder if you have enough sunscreen.
The Poli Sci exam is looming and you’re on a deadline for your paper on Myths of French Sensuality.
Your father will not be running up a Starbucks cake pop to you as he has done every year for the last 15 or so years, and I won’t be fielding calls from loving friends and family members jockying to be the first to wish you a happy day. (Happy, in the way we all are in your presence.)
So, it’s a different kind of birthday morning.
Different, but the same.
Because you are ever you.
Yes, you are of legal (ahem) drinking age. In fact, there is nothing you can’t do without our parental permission anymore.
That’s changed.
But the YOU you are has not.
As I reread my letters to you that I started when you turned eight, then nine , then ten, then eleven, then twelve, then thirteen, then fourteen, then fifteen, then sixteen, then seventeen, then eighteen, I was really struck by that. How the essence of you has not ever changed.
You are, as ever the kind, generous, empathetic and compassionate glitterstar you’ve ever been.
And now. The hard bit. (Always a hard bit, eh?)
You will meet people who say you’re too kind, too generous, too empathetic, too compassionate.
That you need to toughen up.
That you need to stop caring so much for others.
That you need a thicker skin.
And later, that you need to be more mercenary to survive.
Trust me. They are wrong.
Your compassion is your superpower.
Your empathy is your truth.
Your generosity makes the world go ‘round.
Besides: they don’t know just how dead fierce you really are.
The gorgeous exterior with the dazzling smile that belies the vast chasm of depth and wisdom you hold. But those who care to see it do.
I saw it in you at every street corner in Paris, in every exchange, in every pat of a dog, in every new bite.
Just as you could see in Monet’s waterlilies the articulation of the swift passage of time in some, with the stillness of youth in others.
The rest of us missed it.
You didn’t.
You named the social disparities we all glanced over. You asked the questions. Each answer informing how you will approach your poli sci exam, I suspect.
So even as you won’t be munching on a cake pop this morning, you WILL be surrounded by your uni friends who adore you for the kind, generous, empathetic, compassionate and FIERCE human you are. They will make a big deal over the big deal you are.
Savour it. And feel at home in it.
You are worthy of feeling the big deal you are.
There will be a party tonight as respite from the studying, and you will look radiant and will kick up your heels in some fabulous dress, probably to Dancing Queen for the thousandth time.
Feeling every bit of your nineteenness. Shining like the bright star you are who invites the other bright stars to shine brighter too.
Je t’adore, ma belle.
Today, and all the days and all the days and all the days to come.
And then some.
x/Mama
Check out my free training on the 5 ICONIC Shifts Leaders Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
Yes, I saw the Article in the New Yorker on the Imposter Syndrome
A February 2023 New Yorker article by Leslie Jamison about the Imposter Complex has been circulating widely. It’s called Not Fooling Anyone: The dubious rise of imposter syndrome (that’s the print version title…the on-line version is called Why Everyone Feels Like They’re Faking It) and it is, in my world, ubiquitous to say the least.
And given I’ve been sent it by just about every person who has ever come across my work, I figured it was time to address it.
After all, the article kind of suggests the Imposter Complex experience is a thing and also NOT a thing.
So, yeah. I have some thoughts.
Overall, I thought it was brilliantly written. It will be super eye-opening for many, and it gave me lots to consider in my own analysis.
In particular, I appreciated:
the naming of family patterns (not something I’ve spent much time exploring, though birth order has been on my list of things to research);
the value of Gestalt therapy (and the reclamation of all of our parts);
the assertion that “the eminent are not immune”;
the naming of the solipsism that can be part of the experience; and,
the rampant misdiagnosis/misnaming.
On that last point, here’s a great example:
“Adaira Landry, an emergency-medicine physician at Brigham and Women’s Hospital and a faculty member at Harvard Medical School, told me about her first day at the U.C.L.A. med school. Landry, a first-generation college student from an African American family, met a fellow first-year student, a man, who was already wearing a white coat, although they hadn’t yet had their white-coat ceremony. His mother was in health care and his sister was in med school, and they’d informed him that if he wanted to be an orthopedic surgeon, which he did, it would be beneficial to start shadowing someone immediately. Landry went home that night feeling dispirited, as if she were already falling behind, and a classmate told her, “Don’t worry, you just have impostor syndrome.”
NOPE.
That’s not it.
“Imposter Phenomenon”, the concept named in 1978 by Clinical Psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes, means that we attribute failures to internal flaws and success to external factors that have precious little to do with us (e.g. luck, fluke, timing).
It’s not just about feeling behind. It’s about feeling like we don’t belong IN SPITE of the proof that we do. IN SPITE of the proof of our success.
Landry went on to explain,
“[Clance and Imes] interviewed a set of primarily white women lacking confidence, despite being surrounded by an educational system and workforce that seemed to recognize their excellence,” she told me. “As a Black woman, I was unable to find myself in that paper.”
Being in spaces where one’s competence is underestimated is NOT the same as feeling like your competence has been OVERestimated.
And that is a big BIG distinction.
What I seriously L O V E D about this article was the acknowledgment that whether we appreciate the naming of the experience or the removal of the naming, what sits at the epicentre of the relief is this:
“You are not an impostor. You are enough.”
It’s a fantastic article with lots of food for thought.
But before you head off to read it, I’m going to take this opportunity to clarify what I mean when I talk about navigating the Imposter Complex so we can feel unencumbered to create the kind of impact we’ve been called to create.
Like with everything else written by me (or anyone else, for that matter), my invitation is to remember that:
Much of this may be #simplenoteasy.
Context matters.
And I trust us to hold both/and.
Now, if you are new here, I suspect you will wonder why I say “Imposter Complex” over “Imposter Syndrome”. More in this reel here and in this cornerstone article I wrote here, but bottom-line is this: “syndrome” suggests a clinical diagnosis (this isn’t that), pathologizes this pretty typical human experience, and co-opts a medical term. (This is reinforced several times in the New Yorker article.)
So I say “Complex”.
Onward.
I want to start by noting that the global self-development industry is worth $41B as of 2021. That is a lot of money invested in making people feel like shit about themselves…and like they need to be fixed. (Think diet industry but for confidence.)
I also want to acknowledge that I work and operate INSIDE of this industry.
And I see how it’s deeply problematic.
I see the gaslighting, the reductiveness, the toxic positivity and the manipulative and often even predatory practices that can run rampant throughout in the race for a slice of that $41B pie.
And of course, I can also see how self-development is deeply transformative, potently wonderful and life-affirming. I wouldn’t be here otherwise. (You’ll have to trust me on that one. Being in this business is not for the faint of heart.)
It’s also worth noting that Imposter Complex is good for business.
The article names this too, through the words of Australian scholar and critic Rebecca Harkins-Cross: “Capitalism needs us all to feel like impostors, because feeling like an impostor ensures we’ll strive for endless progress: work harder, make more money, try to be better than our former selves and the people around us.”
Ding. Ding. Ding.
And given all that, I think it is unhelpful to assign Imposter Syndrome/Imposter Complex to every experience of self–doubt like an Oprah-styled giveaway.
PARTICULARLY to folks who have been overlooked, underestimated and systemically excluded.
ANDDDDDD…when I first started the exploration back in 2012, I confess, I saw it everywhere. I had a bit that I would do about being like the father in “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” who could tie every English word back to Greek origins.
But instead of Greek to English, I could tie certain behaviours to the Imposter Complex. The behaviours being people-pleasing, diminishment, perfectionism, procrastination, comparison and leaky boundaries.
All along, I was open and committed to exploring WHAT ELSE was contributing to these behaviours, but I still saw the inextricable link to the Imposter Complex. How they were tactics to avoid feeling like an imposter.
AND that these behaviours in and of themselves were not just avoidance tactics, but potentially ways of staying safe. If anyone reading has been told they don’t belong, committed the sin of outshining or was hypervigilant as a stress response, you’ll know what I’m talking about.
Over time, I continued to see that only talking about the experience of imposterhood and NOT talking about what the WHAT ELSE was going on kept the focus on the toxic positivity I abhorred and wasn’t acknowledging the effects of systemic oppression.
The “WHAT ELSE”, of course, being patriarchy, capitalism, and white supremacy culture.
Y’know…no big deal.
/s
(I was yesterday years old when I learned that “/s” meant “sarcasm” given how written text doesn’t always translate…but I digress.)
My podcast series, Ready Enough with Tanya Geisler aimed to address some of this.
In the intro, I said:
“To a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
I’m Tanya Geisler...a pretty seasoned expert at hammering back at the Impostor Complex. For myself, with my clients and with my readers.
But sometimes it’s not a nail. Sometimes it’s microaggressions. Or racism. Or homophobia. Or fat-phobia. Or alcohol. Or anxiety. Or discrimination. Or systemic obstacles by patriarchal structures designed to keep women, women-identified people, women of colour, LGBTQI folks and other marginalized people from climbing to the top.
This is The Ready Enough Podcast with Tanya Geisler. And with my guests, we'll be discerning when it's a nail, and when it's something else. These conversations about the Imposter Complex won’t be perfect, but we’re Ready Enough to have them.”
(FWIW - I don’t talk about marginalized folks any more…I talk about folks being systemically excluded. More accurate.)
Every day, as the idea of the Imposter Complex gains more and more traction in general, the misinformation and misdiagnosis named in the New Yorker article becomes more and more absurd.
And reductive.
The other day, I listened to a podcast that said that Imposter Syndrome makes you lie and swing out with more audacity. Nope. That’s the exact OPPOSITE experience and that’s called the Dunning-Kruger effect (where folks have high confidence and low ability/skill).
Now, at times, the Imposter Complex MAY insist that you “fake it ‘til you make it” but as my pod guest Janelle Allen pointed out, that is some super privilege nonsense right there. Like, who GETS to the opportunity to “fake it ‘til you make it”?
In our conversation, Allen said:
There's something that we say in the Black community: of you have to try twice as hard for half the reward. And that's absolutely real. There's not always that opportunity to just be good enough. That a lot of people who are not POC particularly, you know, white cisgendered men have this [experience where are just brought on] without having a portfolio or showing any results and it's just on [their] word that [they’ll] figure this thing out.
“That is why it, it grates at me because it's just not the reality for many of us. Many of us have the expertise, we have the experience and yet we are constantly questioned at every turn.”
In the same vein, Jamison cites ANOTHER important article I’ve shared in the past:
In “Stop Telling Women They Have Imposter Syndrome,” published in the Harvard Business Review, in February, 2021, Ruchika Tulshyan and Jodi-Ann Burey argue that the label implies that women are suffering from a crisis of self-confidence and fails to recognize the real obstacles facing professional women, especially women of color — essentially, that it reframes systemic inequality as an individual pathology. As they put it, “Imposter syndrome directs our view toward fixing women at work instead of fixing the places where women work.”
Yes. Right.
Dr. Kevin Cokley, an African-American counseling psychologist whose research and work focuses on folks in the global majority who are navigating predominantly white spaces said this in this important piece:
“Can we say discrimination causes impostorism? No, but we know there’s definitely a link between the two,” he said. “Feeling like an impostor can exacerbate the impact of discrimination. This is what we found with African-American students in our study. I suspect that discrimination can also exacerbate the impact of impostorism.”
And where you have been overlooked, you are more susceptible to the experience.
Did the aforementioned systems create the Imposter Complex?
I’m pretty sure they did.
Do these systems exacerbate the Imposter Complex experience?
100%
Do we need to find ways to navigate the experience so we can speak up enough to dismantle the very systems that created and uphold said experience?
Most definitely.
I shared a reel exploring this paradox born out of this powerful quote here:
“What if imposter syndrome is a precursor to realizing you are here to disrupt and revolutionize the status quo? What if being an imposter to an oppressive system means you are here to tear it down?” Bunny Michael
Oof.
Jamison closes the article with this:
“The phenomenon names an unspoken, ongoing crisis arising from the gaps between these various versions of the self, and designates not a syndrome but an inescapable part of being alive.”
Right.
And in this crisis, if unattended, we may find ourselves hedging on calling out injustices; stopping from using the privilege we have to stand in the gaps of those who have been systemically excluded; and NOT working to build better, more inclusive tables that serve everyone, not just whiteness.
Listen…I am the very first person to admit that I do not have the silver bullet.
And my explorations and recommendations may be indeed be simple, not easy and MOST definitely not for everyone.
But I do know that narratives need to be rewritten.
Collectively.
AND individually.
Both/and.
If you are clear that you are experiencing the effects of Imposter Complex and you want to — really and truly want to — take the (metaphorical) stage with your message, your vocation, your calling, I’m certain it will be worth every moment of tension.
It will involve you being brave and decisive enough to confront (ALL) the reasons you have stayed out of action (both internal and external factors) and address the resistance that is keeping you from what you say you want and what matters to the collective.
It will require you to look at all you have done, without the red pen of editorializing and discounting the efforts you’ve made and the outcomes you’ve created.
It will demand that you not go this alone. It will mean you will need to divest from the rugged individualism that has been deeply conditioned, that you gather your people, assemble your cast, bring your fans in close and trust in them.
But above all, it will demand that YOU trust in YOU.
Again, simple, not easy.
If you’re ready to get to work on this and want some support, we should talk.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.