Dearest Lauren - 

Whew, Child.

It’s your seventeenth birthday. Momentous enough in and of itself. But also your second during a pandemic.

In addition to the palpable collective grief that is omnipresent, you’re also quietly (very very very quietly) holding your own personal grief about feeling the loss of a “normal” sixteen year old’s year and a sense of foreboding dread that seventeen may not be altogether different. 

I’m noticing that I feel some kind of melancholy as I write these words.. When I said to Staci during last Friday’s coffee date that you were a little sad, she said: Are you sure it’s not YOU that’s sad, Tanya?

Busted.

I AM sad.

This was to be the year you took charge of your own birthday. But as the COVID cases continue to climb, there won’t be any parties, nor picnics, nor hugs. It will only be your father and me belting out Dancing Queen with you in the kitchen.

Oof and sigh.

Layer up the fact that you are, I repeat, SEVENTEEN in the blink of an eye and LoveLove? I’m fit to be tied.

So I decided to shake off the melancholy by dipping into my “Lauren-isms” file that I started when you were around three years old. Funnily enough, I noticed it was SEVENTEEN pages long.

Seventeen pages of funny, profound, irreverent, heart-wrenching, poetic, ridiculous, thoughtful things you have said and done over the past seventeen years.

Wise observations and invitations like “Make every Sunday count...there are only so many in a lifetime" (you were nine).

Ponderings about food, like a baguette, “I like the crunch. It tastes like a yummy fire” (you were seven) or how an owl’s feather feels “a soft gumdrop” (you were five).

Brainteasers like: “What’s the opposite of today? Tomorrow or yesterday?” (you were seven).

Notes about kind things you’ve done for others and smart things you’ve done for you. Notes about the times you challenged yourself to rise higher and do better. And when you challenged authority around you to do the same. Including us. Thank you for loving us enough to hold us accountable and to a higher standard.

Try as I have, on your eighth, ninth, tenth, eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth, fourteenth, fifteenth, and sixteenth birthdays, I feel once again that I have not sufficiently nor adequately articulated the ALL and the EVERYTHING that you are.

And I suspect I never will.

Because there are facets of you that are still revealing themselves. Bright and brilliant and exquisitely beautiful.

One thing I know: I’ve never loved you more than I do right now in all of your hilarious hair-flipping glory.

And as you pointed out to me when you were just six years old:

We have right now.

It IS what we have.

And it’s all and it’s everything.
Just like you.

Love,
Mama.

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Click here for my free training:

Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.

SCENE: Interior, your office, daytime (pre-pandemic, obviously!)

Your favourite coworker passes by your office and says, “Hey! Great job with that presentation yesterday. You really knocked it out of the park!”

CUE: Uncomfortable feelings. 

“Oh,” you reply, shifting in your seat, “but there was a huge typo on my fourth slide. And I botched the wrap up. Plus, when Jim from sales asked me that question at the end I made a complete fool of myself!”

COWORKER: Smiles uncertainly and walks away.

END SCENE

Ever had an exchange like that happen in your life? 

Someone pays you a compliment, and rather than simply saying “thank you,” you feel super uncomfortable and immediately launch into a litany of reasons why their praise is misplaced…

UGH. 

One of the places I tend to spend a lot of time with my clients is on the intersection between praise and criticism. 

That’s because the Imposter Complex would have you completely ignore — or mistrust — compliments from other people — but pay waaaaaay too much attention to criticism (even the constructive kind).  

Then, it convinces you to overshare and tell the other person every tiny little reason why their compliment is wrong.

Imposter Complex is a real jerk like that. 

(FYI: We don’t say “imposter syndrome” around here, and this post explains why.)

We all want compliments (I mean, who doesn’t??). 

The paradox of receiving compliments, however, is that too many or not the right kind or an unbalanced diet of praise alone really rattles the cage of the Impostor Complex (“I’m not THAT good… they don’t really mean it” or “it’s just a matter of time before they find out how wrong they are”) AND so the value (and impact) of the compliments starts to diminish.

And then, of course, there’s the ACTUAL diminishment we engage in lest we commit the “sin of outshining.”

Suddenly, receiving a compliment becomes a terrible two-step of denial and disbelief.

It’s a serious pickle.

How to receive a compliment gracefully

A friend of mine started learning to paint watercolours during the pandemic. She subscribes to a kit that sends her the supplies and tutorials for projects every month. And when she shares the finished pieces, people are (understandably) impressed!

But she struggles to accept the compliments — she told me, “I feel like every time somebody compliments my painting, I have to give them the caveat that it was from a kit, a tutorial, like I don’t deserve full credit.” 

If you find that you struggle to accept compliments — and maybe engage in that tricky two-step of then trying to explain them away — then I have a challenge for you:

The next time someone pays you a compliment, simply say

“Thank you.”

That’s it.  

No explaining. No qualification. No rundown of all the reasons they’re wrong or places their compliment might be misplaced.

Just thank you — the two words feared most by the Imposter Complex.

Voilá! You have accepted a compliment gracefully.

Make a conscious effort to try this for a few days and see how it feels.

Of course, this is only the first step.

The second challenge is to believe them.

Simple, not easy as we like to say.

How to believe a compliment gracefully

You may find that even when you do manage to just say thank you for a compliment and refrain from correcting the other person, you still don’t quite believe them, either.

Sometimes we might mistake this for humility. Indeed, humility may be the value that actually underpins these feelings for you.

But there’s a difference between not bragging and not acknowledging your achievements.

And there’s a big difference between boasting and accepting a compliment.

Between showing off and showing up in all your brilliance.

And when you take a moment to look inside, I bet you can feel the difference immediately.

It’s funny because the Imposter Complex is just wildly arrogant. It has you making the assumption that everyone is just being nice — but is that really the truth?

Imagine lining up every last person who has ever lifted you, advocated on your behalf, complimented your work, allowed you past the velvet rope of academia, gave you a great mark, review, reference, testimonial, tweet, bit of kindness.

Go ahead. Line ‘em up in your brain.  Look at how far that line stretches… 

See them looking at you with the kindness and admiration and respect that they feel for you?

Now… Are you really going to tell each and every one of them that they’re wrong? That they’re just being nice? Do you really think you are such an incredible liar that you have them all fooled?

What if you just believed them?

Your clients have done their due diligence. Your references have checked out. You passed the test.

And?

The Imposter Complex would have you believe that you’ve somehow got them aaaaalll fooled, but — you’re just not that good at fooling anyone.

Try this instead:

Dare to believe someone when they tell you how remarkable you truly are.

I promise: it’s a revolutionary act.

Want to dive a little deeper into the complicated relationship between praise and criticism? 

Check out Episode #11 of the Ready Enough Podcast: Accepting Your Worthiness and Investing in Your Support with Lena West. Lena is known for her words of wisdom and she spills some strong tea on the topics of worthiness and diminishment.

What if compliments and criticism are two sides of the same coin? If you find yourself thinking about what triggers your desire for compliments and your fear of criticism, this article is for you.

Struggling with compliments because people only seem to praise one part of you? (Maybe they praise you for being the “good” one or the “sweet” one and you think but I’m so much more…) Check out this article about how to read beyond the label of a compliment and start seeing yourself as you wish to be seen

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Click here for my free training:

Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.

I’ve identified 12 lies that the Imposter Complex likes to tell us, but one of the most common is: “You’ll never be able to pull that off again.”

If you know, you know — these thoughts can come up a lot, especially for women. My clients have said things like:

"I’m afraid I won't be able to replicate what I accomplished..."

“I know I can achieve it, but I’m afraid I can’t sustain my success…”

"I feel like I'm not doing enough or right enough..."

"I tell myself it was just 'luck'..."

In fact, that belief that we won’t be able to replicate or sustain our success — that it was luck or a fluke — has been central to this issue since Imposter Complex was identified. 

More than 40 years ago, clinical psychologists Dr. Pauline Clance and Dr. Suzanne Imes coined the term “Imposter Phenomenon.” (And there’s a big reason I refer to it as Imposter Complex and not imposter syndrome which you can read about at that link.)

They started their research at Oberlin College and were working with high-functioning, high-achieving female students who almost all felt that they got into the college by fluke and that some day, any day now, they would be found out as the frauds they are. 

I fell into the same trap myself: I came to coaching after years and years in an outwardly successful but ultimately unsatisfying career in advertising. I logged the hours, delivered the goods and shook the hands of satisfied clients time and again. I kept waiting for the deep-seated feelings of accomplishment and satisfaction to arrive. They didn’t.

I also suffered, a lot, from myriad “not good enough, not smart enough, not ready” beliefs. Any success I enjoyed I chalked up to someone else having made a mistake. I thought it was just a matter of time before they found out I was a fake. 

And of course, none of that ever happened.

So what’s really behind this belief?

The Imposter Complex lies

Depending on which of the six behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex you most often experience, you might experience this kind of self-doubt a little differently.

For example, if you tend to compare, you’ll immediately discount your success in comparison to somebody else’s work.

If you’re a procrastinator, you’re likely to fall into the camp that says, “If I am a success this time, I’ll never be able to follow it up, so why even try....”

If you tend to diminish, you might not even acknowledge your success at all — and if you do, it will only be grudgingly, with the quick caveat that it was a fluke, a lucky break, never to be repeated… 

But these are all lies that the Imposter Complex likes to tell us to keep us feeling alone and isolated, doubting ourselves and our capacity, and out of action. That’s the Imposter Complex’s whole game!

But here’s the truth, Love: Your success was the result of the skills and will you brought to the table (and, sure, MAYBE the stars were aligned as well). And so it shall be again. As long as you keep bringing your skills and will to the table.

Your skills, talent, insight, knowledge, background, creativity, and grit haven’t changed. Whatever brought you to that success (yes, even “luck”!) still exist.

And you can apply them to your next endeavor to help you see that success again…

And again…

And again.

This is not to say that you will succeed every time, but rather a reminder that if you succeeded once, you can absolutely do it again.

Fight back by celebrating your successes

Not quite sure you believe me?

That’s OK — you don’t have to take my word for it.

I challenge you to take your own word for it.  Take a few moments to list out some of your greatest successes and accomplishments. Things you’ve done, said, won, launched, accomplished, shared, created, or built. 

So many of us are hesitant to celebrate our wins — but the best way to knock back those fears that you can’t replicate your successes are to celebrate those successes fully and with full hearts.

We revel with ease in the light of others, which puts us halfway there. But I want you to revel in your own light.

You’ve done, seen, delivered, given, shared, helped so much. But sitting back and basking in it is so, erm, gauche, narcissistic, and conceited, non?

NON.

I suggest curating all the light that you’re shining out. I call it your YUM + YAY list or folder: a place where you can gather proof of your awesome. It’s all out there, we’re just corralling it in, with the help of the people who deeply want you to see it.

And you can do more. Better. For all.

Inviting in how you are seen, really seen by others is a gift. For them. For you. And ultimately? For us all.

I talk more about YUM + YAY in my TEDx talk which you can watch here.

This way, every time you are about to climb a mountain, face down a baddy, or find yourself doubting yourself eventhismuch, you can come back to your YUM + YAY folder to remember what you’ve forgotten — that you’ve got this.

This practice will help you take control of your dreams and acknowledge your own success. 

It's time to claim the opportunities that present themselves, ask for the introductions, make the pitches, embrace the applause with full heart. 

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Click here for my free training:

Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.

Are you living in somebody else’s head?

Sounds… squishy, to be sure, but it’s a chronic problem and I hear it echoed every day with my clients and the people who join my community.  They say things like,

• I’m constantly thinking about the person who doesn't like what I'm doing.

• I worry others don't think my work is good enough.

• I’m afraid of criticism.

• I’m afraid if I put my work out there, I’ll get trolls and haters. 

They’re deeply concerned with what’s going on in other people’s heads… what others will think or say or do.

We fear that once we become too big, too famous, too…something, then people will disconnect from us. Because we’ve seen it. Because we’ve done it.

(Ooof… That hits home, doesn’t it?) 

And, more often than not, those fears manage to keep us doubting our capacity. It keeps us alone and isolated. And it keeps us completely out of action. 

Those are the key hallmarks of the Imposter Complex (which, as I explain here, is not actually a syndrome, as in imposter syndrome). 

So yes. Chronic. Persistent. Not going anywhere.

And so we desperately grasp for answers, for tactics, for ways to keep our eyes on our own paper. We desperately want to know: how do we learn to stop caring what other people think?!

How to Not Care What People Think

What’s fascinating about comparison is that, deep down, that intense caring about what other people think is actually a superpower. 

We’re afraid of what other people will think — because we care so deeply about connecting with them. 

Here’s the key reframe: 

Comparison isn’t bad. It’s a teacher. And can be an excellent one.

Comparison means you always knew how you were stacking up. And how to modulate accordingly. 

In fact, comparison often comes from a deep value of connection — and a desire to understand how you are connected to others and how they are connected to you.

I call people who wrestle with comparison my Seers, because they have a true vision for what they want and what others are achieving. 

The key is to recognize the gift comparison can give you — if you let it.

When you do, we convert hero worship (which denies your own greatness in favor of someone else’s) into celebration (which acknowledges their success without diminishing yours).

And we create connection, conscious self-awareness, and appreciation.

Transforming the comparison habit isn’t about turning comparison OFF. It’s about turning awareness ON.

Comparing yourself to others, whether consciously or unconsciously, is a handy distraction. It’s one of the six ways the Imposter Complex keeps you from living up to your highest potential. Wasting time. Wasting gifts. Wasting self.

But when we open up to the possibility that our deep value of connection is behind those fears of not-enoughness, we can:

• Recognize that no one else is ever the Authority.

• Those we want to canonize are finding their own path and wrestle with their own Impostor Complexes. They don’t see themselves as THE authority either… because they are not. (No one is)

• We praise people — and then persecute them when they don’t live up to our expectations.

• We are killing creativity with canonization.

No more.

Now the real work begins.

Now you can catch yourself when you start to worry what other people will think and start reminding yourself of all the good you’ve already done.

You can counteract the fear of criticism with a laundry list of accolades you’ve amassed over the years.

You can remember that success isn’t finite, and someone else’s does not diminish your own.

And when you do that?

Everything changes.

Eyes on your own papers, Loves. We’ve got work to do.

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Click here for my free training:

Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.

We all know the feeling…

You open up Facebook or Instagram, scrolling along, minding your own business, when suddenly, something makes you stop.

It’s a photo. Or an announcement. Or a celebration. 

Suddenly your mood plummets. It takes the wind right out of your sails because someone else is doing what you do (or want to do).

And they’re doing it better. 

Maybe the feeling starts in your belly and creeps up creating a tightness in your solar plexus. Suddenly your brain is spinning, going at full tilt, and the thoughts running through your head are along the lines of…

I could never do that.

I’ll never have what they have.

I could never be that successful.

They’ve already done my idea.

I can’t compete with that.

I’m not as good as them.

I’m a fraud…

Suddenly, a simple social scroll has turned into a full-blown case of compare and despair. 

Comparison is one of the six behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex, something I have studied extensively with my pal Lauren Bacon, and if it’s your default, you’ll recognize that scenario intimately. 

I call people who are concerned with comparison my Seers, because they’re deeply concerned with connection and they also see something bigger for themselves and others. 

The problem is not with their Seeing, but rather when they get stuck in the place of comparison. That habit or behaviour of comparing themselves to others is one of the sneaky tactics of the Imposter Complex that keep us alone and isolated, doubting our capacity, and out of action. 

(And, in case you’re wondering, here’s an explanation of why I call it Imposter Complex and not imposter syndrome.) 

If comparison is keeping you out of action because you’re afraid you’ll never be able to do “the thing” as well as someone else, that’s the Imposter Complex talking — and we need to get through that so that you can do the amazing things you were put on this Earth to do.

How to stop comparing yourself

Comparison is often a habit — and not a great one — and so it will take some time to break the habit or the cycle of comparison. Try working your way through these three steps:

1. Identify what triggers comparison thoughts

Next time you notice that voice, those thoughts that insist you’ll never be as [FILL IN THE BLANK] as another person or business, take a moment to pause. Notice:

What are you doing?

What is the other person doing?

What is the feeling? 

Make a little mental note. (Or a physical note, like in a journal, can also be helpful.) 

Over time, you may notice that you tend to be stirred up by a particular person, a particular activity (scrolling Instagram anyone?), or a particular type of share (like when someone shares a big business win). Maybe you notice that you’re more likely to compare and despair when you’re already tired or anxious. 

Once you’ve identified some triggers, you can make an intentional decision to avoid them — especially things that don’t add any real value to your life.

Maybe you decide to replace endless social media scrolling with a long bath when you’re tired.

Maybe you mute a particular person or account for 30 days (or forever). 

Maybe you stop watching home improvement shows if they make you compare your living situation with the fancy homes on screen.

And so on.

2. Flip the script on comparison

While we’re in noticing mode, let’s start noticing what we are actually admiring in the other person. Because the flip side of jealousy or comparison is admiration. 

Ask yourself:

• Who do I admire?

• What do I admire about them?

• When I consider these people, do I notice any common threads? If so, what are they?

A quick note: Be curious about what’s REALLY behind your comparison. Ask yourself, “Do I actually admire this quality or thing — or have I been conditioned to think I should admire it?” Believe me, that’s a rabbit hole… But it can be very illuminating. 

Once you have identified some things you admire, see if you can shift your energies from comparing yourself to those people or things and instead celebrate them for what they have accomplished and inspired in you. 

That’s Celebration.

Celebration is an entirely different energy from comparison and can really help break through that negative comparison cycle.

3. Celebrate yourself

Once you’ve identified what you admire in others, I want you to remind yourself of a very important truth:

You have the full potential to embody those same qualities and traits. 

Ooooh, how does that feel? Does it sit well or make you feel uncomfortable?  

In all likelihood it makes you uncomfortable because you’ve been taught not to outshine others.

But what would it look like if you allowed those parts of yourself more room?

What would you do?

How would you show up?

What Iconic Identity would you step into?

THOSE are the truths the Imposter Complex is trying to hide from you.

And, in all likelihood, it won’t be super happy when you start looking at those truths, because Imposter Complex is INVESTED in:

• stopping you from creating what you want

• preventing you from activating your calling

• making you feel (and play) small for fear of projections

• keeping you from expressing yourself fully

• causing you to disown your power (and hand it over to others).

But here’s what I know for sure:

When you can identify comparison for what it is — a deep value of connection and ability to see bigger possibilities for yourself — and flip the script from comparison to celebration, those moments will no longer be able to derail you.

Instead of thinking, I could never do that…

You might instead start to think, I’m so inspired by what they’ve accomplished.

And THAT drains comparison of all its power. 

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Click here for my free training:

Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.