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Lie of the Imposter Complex #2: Successful People Don’t Experience This
Oprah says that every person she has interviewed — including Barack Obama and Béyonce herself — have asked her the same question as soon as the cameras were off:
“After every interview at some point, somebody would say, ‘How was that? Was that OK? How’d I do?’”
Even Béyonce!
Now, the Imposter Complex would like us to believe that successful people never feel like imposters.
(And I call it Imposter Complex instead of imposter syndrome for a good reason — but this is true whatever you want to call it.)
It would like us to believe that when (if) we reach a certain level of success (somewhere far beyond where we are currently, obviously), then we will know for certain that we are successful. That we are no longer imposters.
It pretends there is some bright line that separates the imposters from the truly successful.
And it colludes with Lie #1 to have us believe that the very fact that we are doubting ourselves is proof that we are imposters.
The Imposter Complex, quite frankly, is kind of like a traveling companion. The more you do, the more places you succeed, the more opportunities it will find to point out all you still don't know… and other places in your life that you may not be living up to its incredibly high standards.
In fact, it's the reason so many of us don't climb too high in the first place; we’re afraid of falling (or failing). Staying close to the ground is insurance against getting hurt. You don’t want to shine too bright, or you’ll be cut down.
And yet, the desire to climb is palpable (and your birthright).
How successful identity and the Imposter Complex might manifest
Depending on which of the six behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex you most often experience, you might experience Lie #2 a little differently:
If you’re a people-pleaser, you will probably find yourself wondering how you got invited to the cool kids’ table at some point, convinced that none of them are wondering the same thing and that they only invited you to be nice, after all.
If you have leaky boundaries, you may defer to other people’s opinions about you, your abilities, and your worth instead of standing in your own knowledge and power.
If you tend to compare, this lie is all you, baby! You are comparing yourself to those you perceive to be more successful and are certain you don’t measure up.
If you’re a perfectionist, you’ll probably be telling yourself that those people you perceive as more successful than you could have, would have done it better (completely ignoring how well you did it in the first place).
If you’re a procrastinator, you’ll spend time thinking and worrying about those “more successful” people instead of getting busy with your own (amazing) work.
If you tend to diminish, welp… doubting your capacity, or at least DIMINISHING your capacity is what this lie is all about.
No matter which behavioural trait is keeping your belief about your capacity at bay, the best and only way to wriggle free is by deepening into the TRUTH: that successful people absolutely do experience this.
That’s why I take such delight in collecting stories of the great and the good who feel the same way you do.
And if you find yourself thinking, “Yeah, but…,” here is one more charming illustration that successful people absolutely do experience the Imposter Complex as acutely as anyone, from bestselling author Neil Gaiman (emphasis mine):
Some years ago, I was lucky enough to be invited to a gathering of great and good people: artists and scientists, writers and discoverers of things. And I felt that at any moment they would realize that I didn’t qualify to be there, among these people who had really done things.
On my second or third night there, I was standing at the back of the hall, while a musical entertainment happened, and I started talking to a very nice, polite, elderly gentleman about several things, including our shared first name. And then he pointed to the hall of people, and said words to the effect of, “I just look at all these people, and I think, what the heck am I doing here? They’ve made amazing things. I just went where I was sent.”
And I said, “Yes. But you were the first man on the moon. I think that counts for something.”
And I felt a bit better. Because if Neil Armstrong felt like an imposter, maybe everyone did. Maybe there weren’t any grown-ups, only people who had worked hard and also got lucky and were slightly out of their depth, all of us doing the best job we could, which is all we can really hope for.
Amen, Neil(s). Cosigned 100%.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
Lie of the Imposter Complex #1: Your Self-Doubt is Proof of Your Inadequacy
The Imposter Complex has three objectives:
So, it’s no coincidence that Lie #1 of the 12 Lies of the Imposter Complex is that your self-doubt is proof of your inadequacy.
(By the way, here’s why I say Imposter Complex instead of Imposter Syndrome).
It’s one of the Imposter Complex’s oldest refrains…
If you doubt yourself, how can anyone else trust in you?
How can you lead and serve others when you're full of self-doubt?
In fact, as far back as 1978, when Clinical Psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes were studying the Imposter Phenomenon at Oberlin College in Ohio, they noticed that at its most basic:
“Despite outstanding academic and professional accomplishments, women who experience the impostor phenomenon persist in believing that they are really not bright and have fooled anyone who thinks otherwise. Numerous achievements, which one might expect to provide ample objective evidence of superior intellectual functioning, do not appear to affect the imposter belief.” The imposter phenomenon in high achieving women: Dynamics and therapeutic intervention. (Emphasis mine.)
In other words, folks who suffer from the Imposter Complex have an innate tendency to doubt their capacity — and use it as concrete proof of their inadequacy.
But the very fact that you’re experiencing the Imposter Complex in the first place is proof that you are conscientious, high-functioning, and have strong values of integrity and excellence. Honestly; high-achievers are statistically much more likely to experience the Imposter Complex.
It’s also often a byproduct of the world and culture we live in that certain folks doubt themselves because they have been taught to do so.
This is conditioning, but it can be overcome.
How that self-doubt as proof might manifest
Depending on which of the six behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex you most often experience, you might experience the self-doubt of Lie #1 a little differently:
If you’re a people-pleaser, it’s pretty much a given that you will discount the praise of others, when they tell you you’ve done a good job, or when they invite you to step up and lead. They’re just being nice, after all. (No...actually, they’re not.)
If you have leaky boundaries, you may shelve what you think you know, what you THINK you are capable of, in favour of others’ perspectives, which erodes your confidence in your knowing even more.
If you tend to compare, you know all you’ve done will never quite stack up to what others have done. Or you may despair that you’ll never be capable of what you see others doing.
If you’re a perfectionist, anything you’ve already achieved will never quite stack up to your impossibly high standards of what you OUGHT to be capable of.
If you’re a procrastinator, every second you spend not doing the thing erodes your confidence in your ability to do the thing in the first place.
If you tend to diminish, welp… doubting your capacity, or at least DIMINISHING your capacity is the name of the game. You don’t want to shine too bright, or you’ll be cut down.
No matter which behavioural trait is keeping your belief about your capacity at bay, the best and only way to wriggle free is by deepening into the TRUTH: that self-doubt is proof of your humanity, not your inadequacy.
Self-doubt is proof of your humanity.
Not your inadequacy.
Flip self-doubt on its head
Although it’s easy to see these lies as only negatives, holding us back, there is a bright side.
This doubt you experience? Keeps you on your edge, striving for mastery. And that is what MAKES you a good leader.
Your standards and expectations of yourself are realllllllly high. And though you won’t admit it to many people, you want to be THE BEST at everything you do.
But that’s how you will create your impeccable impact.
You just need to gather some tools to help you root into the truth about your abilities.
Even more great news: they exist.
Start with my free training on the Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex. and I guarantee you’ll find yourself nodding and “aha!”-ing at at least one of them.
Stick it in your toolbox. Bring it out the next time you’re certain that your own self-doubt means you’re less worthy.
And remember what it really is: All lies.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
My Origin Story of Impeccability
I’ve been talking a lot lately about impeccability. I guess you could say it’s my word of the year, but moreover, it’s been the THING I’ve been in pursuit of for coming up on a decade.
And I’ve been asked by many what I mean by that.
Because when you look it up, it seems to hold a meaning that is antithetical to all that I speak, write and teach about.
It’s defined in austere terms like faultless. Pure. Pristine.
A little too close to perfectionism for comfort.
And I’m here to tear perfectionism down—because in my experience, it only ever gets in the way of us doing what needs to be done.
I talk about how perfectionism is one more way that the Imposter Complex wins (you may have heard this referred to Imposter Syndrome, here’s why Imposter Complex is the more correct term to use).
How perfectionism is inextricably linked to a patriarchal vision that cannot be met and causes real damage.
How perfectionism keeps us out of action, doubting our capacity, and alone and isolated.
And ultimately how you are ready enough — exactly as you are. To do and say the things you need to do and say. Because now more than ever, we need you (and me) to say and do the things we need to say and do. There are continents burning and guns in the sky.
So I get the confusion.
And still.
I stand by it.
Because here’s my distinction:
Perfectionism is the lowest possible standard because it simply doesn’t exist.
Impeccability is a continuous elevation of standards.
Perfectionism is a gold star from some external generalized other.
Impeccability is an internal aspirational pull towards goodness and greatness and justice.
Thinking about being perfect in my word makes me stay quiet.
Thinking about being impeccable in my word has me speak truer.
“One of the most calming and powerful actions you can do to intervene in a stormy world is to stand up and show your soul. Struggling souls catch light from other souls who are fully lit and willing to show it.” - Clarissa Pinkola Estés
That.
A story
A long long time ago, I was invited to a glorious weekend on Whidbey Island in the Pacific Northwest. My friend Ronna Detrick had invited me as she was looking to circle up some wise women.
I was flattered, to put it mildly. Like the host herself, the women she had gathered were brilliant and big-hearted.
I was also thrilled to meet new friends and connect with others I’d only known on-line until that weekend: Lianne Raymond, Julie Daley, Andrea Olson, and my former client, Tara Sophia Mohr. With the exception of Julie, I had never hugged any of them in person. I could write a book about how I felt as I flew across the country to meet these women. It was quite significant for me on every level.
But I digress.
We ate well and danced and made wishes on the new moon. We laughed and celebrated Ronna’s new site and my new program launch and shed a tear or two. I think I made kale chips, if I recall correctly. It was a long time ago—back in 2012.
But one thing I do recall with great clarity is a conversation I had on one of the many walks we took. I was in step with Tara and we were sharing some deep-seated fears around our work. I’ll not share hers, but I can tell you mine lived around my output and body of work.
I found myself saying, rather glibly, that I was a “high-functioning underachiever”. I felt quite clever to have named myself as such, but my keen-eyed former client asked me what I yearned for inside that belief.
“Impeccability,” I said, with relief. Like a weight had been lifted.
The word actually stopped me dead in my tracks, to be honest.
Which got the attention of those walking ahead of us.
They asked what was up and I told them. Every last one of those women had the same reaction. A light-hearted laugh and the response that they ONLY saw my work as impeccable.
I was floored. And it was the first time I got, REALLY got that my outsides weren’t matching my insides.
It was then that I understood, REALLY understood the power the Imposter Complex had held over me and my deeper, VISCERAL understanding of it and what it keeps from us.
(That was, not so coincidentally, the weekend that the seed was planted for my TEDx talk that would happen later that year—with Ronna, Julie, and Tara all taking the same stage for their own talks. Lianne was the one that made it happen on our behalf. A forever gift.)
So let me break it down for you.
Impeccability means congruence. A syncing of our insides with our outsides.
Impeccability means an elevation of standards.
Impeccability means precision over perfection.
Impeccability means expecting more of ourselves.
Impeccability means having more to give because there’s more in the tank.
Impeccability offers grace when there ISN’T more in the tank.
Perfection is punition.
I’ve said I’m done settling.
I’ve said I’m done living my life halfway.
I’ve said it, and to be impeccable with my word means I mean it.
Every day, I ask myself how I can be more impeccable in my word, my intention, and my impact. Every day I ask myself what I need to tap into to rise up to a higher standard. And every day the answers look and feel different.
This morning’s inquiry led me to write this post. And to make a financial contribution I’ve been meaning to make to a charity assisting people and wildlife affected by the bushfires in Australia. And to support preparation for a client session that will be big, deep, and wide. And to turn down a speaking opportunity that isn’t aligned. And to tend to my kid home with a fever and possibly strep throat.
Will I do ANY of it perfectly? No. But can I intend to do it with presence and integrity? Most assuredly.
That’s what I want.
And I reckon the same holds true for you. In your work, in your leadership, and in your impact.
I’ve got some new training that may just help you lock it in. You can find that here.
Or, we can go ahead and get on a call to see how I can help you step in with the Impeccable Impact I know you’re desiring.
Either way, I’ve got your back, and you can trust my word on that. Impeccably.
Check out my free training on the 5 ICONIC Shifts Leaders Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
What if the Other Shoe Wasn’t About to Drop?
I remember reading a quote from Bréne Brown about standing over her children, watching them sleep, and she said,
“...and just as a profound sense of love and joy washed over me, I'd imagine horrible things happening to them: car crashes, tsunamis. ‘Do other mothers do this,’ I'd wonder, ‘or am I unhinged?’ I now know from my research that 95 percent of parents can relate to my constant disaster planning. When we're overwhelmed by love, we feel vulnerable — so we dress-rehearse tragedy.”
And I recognized that moment so very clearly — in worrying about my own child, absolutely (what parent doesn’t?) but in other instances, too…
Lie #9 of the Imposter Complex says: It’s just a matter of time before all of this crumbles beneath you.
Strangely, this one shows up when we’re nice and relaxed. Serene, even. We feel a bout of gratitude for how good life is: The child, the partner, the work, the income, the health, the beautiful house of David Byrne’s existential lament…
This is where many leaders feel deep in the pits of their stomachs I’m a fraud, and everyone is going to find out...
And then we sit up, realizing that we have committed the sin of letting our guard down. We’ve jinxed ourselves with our mini-celebration. Most assuredly, the other shoe is about to drop.
We stop breathing. We stop appreciating. And we panic. And lay low.
Exactly where our Imposter Complex likes us to be (you may have heard of this referred to as Imposter Syndrom, here’s why using the term “Imposter Complex” is important).
Bréne Brown talks about the fact that this disaster planning we do in our minds (instigated by the Imposter Complex) doesn’t actually do any good. Anyone who has experienced real tragedy will tell you: there is no way to prepare.
It steals your joy, keeps you out of action, and encourages you to hide under the proverbial covers.
But what if the other shoe wasn’t about to drop?
Bréne says, “The good news is that joy, collected over time, fuels resilience.”
Joy collected over time…
To my mind, that is a call to be more grateful for what you have (not less, for fear of losing it).
It’s about developing a practice of celebrating your wins (which is deeply uncomfortable for many of us to do).
It’s about owning the amazingness of you and of your life and asking yourself, How good will you allow this to be?
(It’s up to you, you know.)
Gratitude is one of my underpinning values of joy. Whenever I am struggling to find the joy in a situation or experience, I practice stopping and asking myself, “How can I find more gratitude?” I believe gratitude is one of the cornerstones of happiness. (Did you know that before my feet even touch the ground in the morning, I give thanks for 108 people? I do.)
The next time you feel that voice in your head, in your heart, whispering it’s only a matter of time…
Stop.
Lean into the moment just before that whisper spoke up.
And try to stay with the gratitude.
How good will you allow this to be?
Check out my free training on the 5 ICONIC Shifts Leaders Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.
What’s your Brand of Joy?
As humans, we are all governed by the desire to feel good.
We’re all doing what we THINK we can do to get it, but our goals are often out of sync because we’re not clear on what IT is, much less what comprises it or how to get it.
It’s why we prefer to eat sweet or salty foods, why we seek out thrills and adventures, why we have sex, why we fill our homes with creature comforts.
Sometimes those external ways of feeling “good” can become detrimental, even turn into addictions. They are surface pleasures only. But when we discover the emotion that we’re craving underneath those physical pleasures, it can become our north star.
I call that emotion, that north star, your Brand of Joy.
My Brand of Joy is JOY. And it’s what I seek in everything I do. My work, my relationships, my clients. Other people call it something else: vitality, freedom, success, love, passion, magic...
When you can name your Brand of Joy, you can truly use it as your north star to calibrate everything in your life from your relationships to creating offers in your business; from aligning your environment around you to deepening your rituals and practices; from choosing a way to move your body every day to choosing where you will vacation this year.
It’s also the first tool in your toolbox for dismantling the Imposter Complex. The Imposter Complex wants to keep you alone, doubting, and out of action — but when you feel any of these things, you can turn to your Brand of Joy to help you see the path forward. And you may have heard of “Imposter Syndrome,” but this is why I use “Imposter Complex” instead.
From that place of joy, I know how to overcome obstacles. How to conquer my inbox before vacation. What to create for dinner. What to say YES to… and what to say NO to.
My inquiry is always: how can this be more joyful?
And when that's too big, I root into what underpins it for me.
For me — and for everyone — there are values that lead to that Brand of Joy. For me, they are my values of connection, gratitude, and generosity.
So when I struggle to see how to make a thing, a moment, a challenge more joyful, I shift to looking at my values: How can I feel more connected? Grateful? Generous?
And then I know the way forward
When it's not aligned with my Brand of Joy, it's not aligned with anything.
You have your own brand of what I call joy. Maybe it's devotion. Or freedom. Or ease. Or flow. Or expanded. Or success. Or love. Or beauty. Once you know what it is, it will inform EVERYTHING if you let it (and you should).
Brand of Joy is the First Leg of the Journey
I know that Unshakable Confidence is a three-legged stool, and the three legs are Integrity, Presence, and Action.
Of the three legs, we begin with Integrity, so that we can start with a strong core and a strong foundation. Integrity is all about authenticity, obedience to your vision, and honouring your word.
You know this for yourself: Every time we don’t show up as our Authentic Selves, we are out of Integrity. Every time we waiver on doing the things that move us closer to claiming our desires, we are out of Integrity. Every time we make and break a promise to another — or to OURSELVES — we are out of Integrity.
And every time we are out of Integrity, we erode our confidence just a bit more.
(See how that works?)
The first step to understanding, claiming, and stepping into your Authentic Self is to understand your Brand of Joy. It becomes the north star that allows you to navigate anything that comes your way.
When you know your Brand of Joy, you know yourself better, and you can more easily stay in alignment and Integrity.
Finding Your Brand Of Joy
Time for you to see what your unique Brand of Joy is.
Watch this video and follow along to begin to uncover your unique Brand of Joy.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
The two words feared most by the Imposter Complex
Chances are, if you are a high-performing woman, you have experienced Imposter Complex at some point in your life and career — maybe at lots of points in your life and career. You may have heard of it as “Imposter Syndrom,” but here’s why it’s important to call it “Imposter Complex” instead.
Remember, Imposter Complex is that enduring feeling that it’s just a matter of time before everyone finds out that you’re a fake.
And you are not alone. It strikes MOST of us. If you have high standards for yourself, a desire for excellence, and a value of integrity, I suspect that at one time or another you’ve felt its power over you. And it IS powerful even when it presents as innocuous.
IT CAN LOOK SOMETHING LIKE THIS…
You are told: You are so committed to your yoga practice. It’s awesome and inspiring.
You respond: Yeah, well my handstand is a train wreck.
You are told: This pasta is exquisite.
You respond: Naw, I put in too much salt.
You are told: You are my go-to when I have a style question.
You respond: What? I’m a sloppy mess.
You are told: You’re a really great writer.
You respond: Ach. My sentences are fragmented.
When we undercut, diminish, and dismiss what we are being offered as a gift of acknowledgment, that’s the handiwork of the Imposter.
Why do we do it? SO.MANY.REASONS. Here are the ones flaring off like fireworks all around me lately::
We want to be in integrity and make sure that everyone has the “full story” about us.
We are perfectionists not actually content with ANYTHING until it’s good enough (“for whom?” is the real question here).
We cannot perceive the real value of our contributions (especially if we're "naturally gifted" and haven't suffered for our art).
We have been raised to be humble above all else.
We are superstitious. That by accepting ownership over our excellence, we’re jinxing ourselves.
We do not want to commit the crime of outshining (fabulous term coined by Gay Hendricks).
I believe it is part of the work we are meant to do to unpack the whys behind our Imposter Complex so that we can move past them more quickly and easily when they arise so that we allow ourselves to step into our starring roles.
Want to try it out…?
I have a simple baby step you can take right now, today, to feel what it feels like to stop diminishing, stop letting the Imposter Complex dictate your responses, and put one small baby toe towards stepping into your Starring Role.
The next time someone dares to see you and share with you what they see in you, in your contributions, in your abilities — instead of showing them where they’re wrong (they’re not) try saying this::
Thank you.
That’s it.
Thank you.
No more, no less.
Thank you.
Neither discount nor deny their gift of acknowledgment. Just as you wouldn’t find fault with a gift given to you from the heart, so too should you not find fault with the acknowledgment. Accept it with the grace that only “thank you” affords.
The Impostor Complex despises this because you are, in two words, owning (or, at least, for the time being, BORROWING) the truth. You are doing good. Full stop.
Added bonus:
Train your brain to say those words and you’ll be sending sweet synaptic love notes to your subconscious with this immutable fact: that you ARE worthy of praise and acknowledgment.
Because you are.
Sure, it’s possible that your handstand, pasta, and sentence structures could use a little more attention. (Which is awesome news for you and your high standards… you get another turn up the upward spiral called life in pursuit of excellence).
But for this moment, this very moment, rest in the knowledge that you, your yoga practice, your pasta, your style, or your writing has moved, delighted, or even inspired someone. Saying Thank You locks and loads it.
And THAT is excellent.
When you try it this week, will you share it with me? If you’re feeling bold, post about it on Instagram and tag me @TanyaGeisler so that I can celebrate with you! If you’re feeling tender, send me a private message on IG and we’ll have our own, private celebration.
Either way, take half a moment to celebrate the noticing and the shift. It’s more powerful than you might think.
Check out my free training on the 5 ICONIC Shifts Leaders Use to Overcome the Imposter Complex and Grow their Income and their Impact
Where I pull back the curtain on five shifts to start raising voices, rates, and hands all while being the kind, congruent, and authentic leader I know you to be.