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Lie of the Imposter Complex #7: You're Not Ready
Lie #7 of the Imposter Complex is a seductive and tricky beast because it seems rational.
It says you’re not ready… yet.
(Not ready for what? Oh, any old thing…)
Here, the Imposter Complex is finally giving you a little slack. (And we call it Imposter Complex, not imposter syndrome for a very good reason.)
It's acting all logical by pointing to the fact that you MAY be ready ONE day… that day's just not today. Yup. It's giving you slack, all right.
Just enough slack in the rope to tangle yourself into the loop of inspiration -> preparation -> frustration -> procrastination -> inspiration…
It disguises itself as the oh-so-logical argument that you just need a little more — experience, education, time, whatever.
Maybe you'll feel ready when you get that degree. Or put another 10 years under your belt. Or… or… or.
I see this crop up a lot with coaches who feel like they need to get another certification or put in some more hours coaching for free before they’re ready to charge for their services…
With entrepreneurs who feel like they need to buy another course, work with another coach, do another beta test before they launch their big thing…
With writers who need another draft, another writing group, another editor, another opinion before they start shopping their book…
How not being ready enough might manifest for you
Depending on which of the six behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex you most often experience, you might find yourself giving in to the allure of not ready because of different things:
If you’re a people-pleaser, you’re already prone to getting everyone’s opinion about your work (ie: Lie #6) and therefore you’ll take it to heart if even one person suggests you aren’t ready.
If you have leaky boundaries, you may get swept along with the crowd. If you see friends and colleagues getting another certification, buying another course, working with a new coach, you may feel compelled to do the same.
If you tend to compare, you’ll find plenty of examples of people who were more ready to prove your hypothesis that you’re not ready.
If you’re a perfectionist, well. You’ll never be ready because things will never be absolutely perfect.
If you’re a procrastinator, telling yourself that you’re not ready is a GREAT excuse not to actually do the thing. It feels like you’re still working toward your goal… Even when the goal is as far away as ever.
If you tend to diminish, this is probably also familiar territory for you, because you only ever see your shortcomings, not how far you’ve come.
Two things:
As you sit down to write the book, launch the product, step up to the mic, think about how everything you have ever made, delivered, sold, created, drafted, crafted, survived, healed, and done is coming together. Right here and now. For this very purpose. For this very moment.
And?
No one was ever fully ready. For anything.
Do it. You're ready enough.
(HEYYYY!! Someone should do a podcast called Ready Enough. Oh wait...I did!)
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
Lie of the Imposter Complex #6: You Must Tell EVERYONE About This
I’ve noticed a trend.
If you compliment someone on a dress they’re wearing, it’s pretty common that they’ll tell you that they got it on a HUGE sale…
But why do we need to know that the dress was on sale? The other person was (almost certainly) not complimenting the price tag.
I think it’s a small symptom of Lie #6 of the Imposter Complex (and we call it a complex, not imposter syndrome around these parts).
Lie #6 says that we must tell EVERYONE about this — this usually being something you feel like you have to come clean about so that everyone else knows that you know that you’re the Imposter.
Like… the price of your dress.
Sure, it’s fabulous and couture and looks like it was made for me — but I got it on sale.
OK, I got the award — but there weren’t many others competing.
Yes, I got a standing ovation — but I completely messed up the middle section of the speech.
How to recognize Lie #6
Hands up if you've ever actually said the words, "I don't belong here" at a gathering.
Do you remember the look on everyone's face? I know, it's hard to remember because you blocked it from your mind, so certain are you that you were met with nods of disgust. But allow me to jog your memory: it was a curious blend of bemusement, incredulity, and perplexion.
Know why? Because they were too busy thinking that THEY didn't belong here to even consider YOU not belonging here.
And let’s layer in this additional truth: Sometimes the greater culture conspires to make us feel that we don’t belong — especially if you’ve ever had the experience of being the only person who looks like you in the room. As my friend Staci Jordan Shelton says: “We share a common space but not a common experience."
And...guess what? You still belong.
How Lie No. 6 might manifest for you
Depending on which of the six behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex you most often experience, you might find yourself blurting things out with Lie #6 because of different things:
If you’re a people-pleaser, you definitely want to put everyone at ease — which means you might go on a self-deprecating tirade to ensure that everyone knows how ordinary and impostery you actually are.
If you have leaky boundaries, you may find yourself getting sucked into other people’s put-down festivals; if they’re talking about how much of an imposter they are, you may feel the need to join in.
If you tend to compare, you’ll be the first to offer up your deficiencies, especially as compared to anybody else.
If you’re a perfectionist, you’ll be the first to notice those perceived imperfections, and may feel compelled to point them out to everybody else, too.
If you’re a procrastinator, you might tell everyone your reasons for procrastination (which seem very important and valid at the time…).
If you tend to diminish, well, this Lie will be super familiar to you, I bet, because you spend a great deal of time telling yourself — and maybe everyone else — where you fall short.
Before you call yourself out for being an Imposter (you’re not), pause and ask what is sitting underneath that impulse.
Pause and ask yourself: “why am I talking?”
Are you looking to connect? Are you seeking validation? Something else?
When you know, you will know what to do next.
That said, knowing when to name it or not requires nuance and discernment, to be sure. I have found utility in Brené Brown’s classic words: Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand your sacred ground.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
Lie of the Imposter Complex #5: You Must Not Tell Anyone About This
Because of Lies #1 and #2 of the Imposter Complex, you don't speak of your big thing. To ANYONE.
And you definitely don’t mention that you’re nervous about it, or feeling anxious, or, you know, struggling with the Imposter Complex.
(And yes, we call it Imposter Complex, not imposter syndrome, and you can find out why here.)
Because speaking your fears will just draw attention to said inadequacy, right? Besides, what they don't know won't hurt anyone, right?
(Except, of course, maybe you.)
I famously (infamously?) call this “slipping things into the water.”
When you launch the product, release the album, write the book, finish the course, achieve the goal…
But you don’t want to make a big deal about it….
(Because secretly you’re nervous, anxious, afraid it isn’t any good…)
So you make such a little deal about it that even your nearest and dearest don’t know.
That’s slipping it into the water, trying not to make waves, trying not to rock the boat.
And then, when the product doesn’t sell, the album doesn’t top the charts, the book doesn’t get rave reviews, and nobody congratulates you on the thing, your Imposter Complex translates that as proof positive that you weren’t ready, aren’t successful, don’t deserve it.
See? Nobody cares. You’re not good enough…
The reason I’m infamous for it is that I tend to call people out on it.
You didn’t get the sales / reviews / recognition that you wanted? Did you slip it into the water?
It’s not to make anyone feel worse — absolutely not. It’s about naming what happened and shining light on that tactic of the Imposter Complex that convinced you not to tell anybody about it because they would judge you.
Naming the thing removes some of its power
We think that by naming whatever is inside of us that others will judge us.
The converse is more likely true. And more productive.
By naming the experience, you are speaking the shame and bringing compassion into the fold.
Try this: ''I'm excited to be doing this and nervous because it matters."
“I’m putting out this product because I’m proud of it and I know people need it.”
“I poured my heart and soul into this, and I’m anxious that people won’t like it, but I want to share it.”
Discernment alert: I'm not talking about Lie #6 — I must tell everybody about this.
I'm just inviting you to name it. And to sit back and watch as relief spreads across the room. Empathy too. And where there's empathy, connection is possible. (And isn't that what this is all about. after all?)
Yes.
How fear of speaking your big thing + the Imposter Complex might manifest for you
Depending on which of the six behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex you most often experience, you might go quiet with Lie #5 because of different things:
If you’re a people-pleaser, you might find you don't want to "bother" people with whatever you have going on. And you certainly don’t want to annoy anyone by being “promotional” or “too salesy.”
If you have leaky boundaries, you may find yourself NOT wanting to get feedback or hear other people’s thoughts on your feelings or doings. (Note: it’s perfectly ok to say something like, “I’m not interested in feedback right now.”)
If you tend to compare, you don’t want to talk about your thing because you think it’s not as good as somebody else’s; and you certainly don’t want to name your fears and anxieties if she isn’t…
If you’re a perfectionist, you don’t want to share because you feel like what you have to share isn’t perfect — or that your feelings just put your imperfections on display.
If you’re a procrastinator, you might be prone to convincing yourself that you’ll say it, promote it, share it later. When you get around to it…
If you tend to diminish, you’re probably going to convince yourself that nobody cares, nobody is interested, it isn’t that good, nobody’s going to listen anyway… etc.
Of course, these are all just variations on a theme — variations on the lie, designed to keep you alone and isolated, out of action, and doubting your capacity.
That’s what the Imposter Complex wants.
But when we name it — name the lie, but also name what we’re feeling, what we’re doing, how we’re showing up — we rob it of its power.
Name it.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
Lie of the Imposter Complex #4: You Have Nothing Useful to Say
I find that Lie #4 of the Imposter Complex tends to show up a lot in the guise of writer’s block.
(By the way, here’s why I say Imposter Complex instead of Imposter Syndrome).
We sit down to write a blog post, or an article, or an email, or a book, or a course, or a flippin’ Facebook post and we pause…
“You have nothing useful to say,” a voice whispers inside.
“(Or original. Or important. Or valid.)”
And it puts a hard stop to any creative output we might want to produce.
Of course, it might show up for you somewhere else — in conversation, in a meeting at work, at a party with friends, or anywhere your voice might be heard.
When we believe this lie, we say nothing. We don't communicate with our audience, our clients, our fans. We pass up opportunities to share our message (what message?) and don't collaborate with our peers (everyone knows more than I do about the topic!) And we miss out on growth, learning, and connection.
We imagine speaking to a thousand-person audience about the topic for which we feel woefully ignorant and entertain two possible outcomes: crickets or pelted tomatoes.
I hear this a lot, in particular, from people who want to write books — fiction or nonfiction.
They’ll be toiling (or poking, as the case may be) away at an idea or a manuscript, and then something with a similar premise hits the bestseller list.
CUE THE END OF THE WORLD!
OK, so there is indeed a distinct possibility that what you're saying HAS been said before.
But it’s never, ever, ever been said in the way you will say it.
YOUR WAY will be informed by your unique and complex structure of values, perspectives, experiences, strengths, heart, and your very character. And your people want to hear YOUR WAY.
Going back to our author friends, they say that there are only 7 plots (or 20, or 36 depending on who you ask).
Yet there are hundreds, maybe thousands of original books and stories published every year, each one a different version of the archetypes we already know and love.
The details are what’s important, and the details come down to each individual author — each individual person who brings their own voices, opinions, experiences, and values to the stories.
How this whisper of the Imposter Complex might manifest for you
Depending on which of the six behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex you most often experience, you might experience the self-doubt of Lie #4 in different ways:
If you’re a people-pleaser, you might find you don't want to "bother" people with your unoriginal thoughts. If it's not earth-shattering, there's no point in clogging their airwaves.
If you have leaky boundaries, you may find yourself NOT wanting to read what anyone else has said for fear it will influence your own thought process, so you isolate or deeply curate your input (perhaps to your detriment).
If you tend to compare, you’re probably super familiar with this lie! Because you’re always comparing what you want to say with what others have already said (and probably finding your version lacking).
If you’re a perfectionist, you hold such a high standard for yourself that nothing but perfect originality will suffice.
If you’re a procrastinator, thinking about how someone else has said it better will be the perfect reason to put off saying it yourself.
If you tend to diminish, you’re certainly going to get stuck on the idea that not only has it been said before, but it’s been said better.
No matter which behavioural trait is keeping you from speaking your truth in the way that only you can, the solution is to remember that your people want to hear your take, your version, your view.
These very words are a curation of learnings you've probably already heard. But they're told through MY own lens. Packaged in a way that I have intended to be practical and valuable and useful.
May it be so.
Your way’s the way.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
Lie of the Imposter Complex #3: You are all or nothing.
I do a lot of public speaking as part of my business, teaching from the stage about the Imposter Complex (and I call it Imposter Complex not imposter syndrome for a good reason, which you can read all about if you’re interested).
And one day I realized that I had a little measure of success that I held myself to:
If I got a standing ovation for my speech, I had done a good job.
And if I didn’t, well…
It feels a little absurd even telling you that. Of course, logically, a standing ovation is not the only measure of success when speaking — but my own Imposter Complex would say otherwise.
The Imposter Complex loves worst-case scenarios and speaks in competence extremities. If you don't know everything, then you know nothing. If you are not a complete success, then you are a complete failure.
At both ends of these extremities are traps.
"Part of me thinks I'm a complete loser and the other part of me thinks that I am God Almighty." - John Lennon
Loser. God Almighty. Knowing everything. Knowing nothing. Complete success. Complete failure.
Can you imagine someone at a dinner party speaking in such absolutes?
I imagine three outcomes.
Ignoring them.
Switching seats.
Challenging them.
Numbers 1 + 2 might work for a dinner party that has a clear end. But now imagine a never-ending dinner party. The Hotel California of dinner parties, if you will.
Will you politely endure their boorishness for all eternity? Continue to avoid and evade? Or will you challenge them once and for all? Yeah, that. This life IS your dinner party, friends.
And the Imposter Complex does not have to be invited.
Challenge competence extremities with one word: really?
This takes practice, but you can try having an internal monologue when your Imposter Complex starts to get sassy with you. (Some of my clients even name their Imposter Complex — whatever works for you!)
When it says, “You didn’t get a standing ovation. They hated your talk. You’re a failure.”
You can counter gently and simply with, “Really?”
Is it really true that I’m a failure or that they hated my talk if I don’t receive a standing O? Of course not.
It’s a little trick that can help you recognize the voice of the Imposter Complex — and stop it in its tracks.
How extremes of the binary in the Imposter Complex might manifest
Depending on which of the six behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex you most often experience, you might experience Lie #3 like this:
If you’re a people-pleaser, you might put a lot of stock in what other people say about you — and then your all or nothing-ness will swing wildly depending on how those winds are blowing.
If you have leaky boundaries, you may let people’s opinions about you, your abilities, and your worth dictate whether you feel all or nothing at any given moment instead of resting in your own self-knowledge.
If you tend to compare, you will feel like nothing whenever you notice someone else being all — and vice versa.
If you’re a perfectionist, you may never get to feeling like you’re all — because you’ll feel like everything you do falls short, meaning you are nothing.
If you’re a procrastinator, you’ll spend time thinking and worrying about whether you are all or nothing instead of getting busy with your own work.
If you tend to diminish, you may never let yourself feel those feelings of being “all” and you’ll explain it away until you’re back down to nothing.
No matter which behavioural trait is whispering to you that you are all or nothing, the best and only way to wriggle free is by deepening into the truth that there are very few absolutes in this life — despite what the Imposter Complex would have us believe.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
Sixteen
Dearest Lauren -
You know how we do this by now.
You get a year older, and I sit here, gobsmacked at how incredible you are.
I try to find the words to express the overwhelming emotions I feel, but it’s not unlike trying to catch fireflies.
Bless me, I have tried.
On your eighth, ninth, tenth, eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth, fourteenth and fifteenth, I have tried.
I don’t want to give the virus more airtime...this is YOUR day. Your month. Your year.
Because your sixteenth is...SIGNIFICANT.
But the virus bears mentioning because it has forced us into close quarters with nowhere to hide. We have watched, up close and personal the YOU you are. The realest YOU you are.
Kind and impatient.
Thoughtful and silly.
Sweet and salty.
Focused and lighthearted.
Simple in your desires, complex in your emotions.
But do you also know how courageous you are?
You aren’t afraid to feel.
And you’re not afraid to question.
And you’re not afraid to challenge.
And you’re not afraid to take a stand...for what matters.
So we wanted to mark the You You Are in the best way we could given the restrictions of the physical distancing.
Instead of a bash, and sitting fifth row at Hamilton as planned, we surprised you with a Sweet-Sixteen-in-Quarantine-Surprise-Zoom-Party.
And your friends showed UP. They made you stuffies, and original art, and Tik-Toks and videos and an original song that makes me cry every time I hear it.
So instead of me trying and failing to find the words, I’ll defer to those lyrics written and performed by your friends:
How to explain it?
Trying to find the words to say out loud
Where to begin this?
You always make me laugh somehow
Wish we could find a better way to be with you right now.
Life’s better when you’re around.
Aren’t your father and I the lucky ones? We get to be around YOU.
As you evolve into your truest self, independent and carefree, certain of mind and heart, you are the all.
And we give deepest thanks.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.