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I'm Successful, but I'm Afraid I Can't Keep it Up
I’ve identified 12 lies that the Imposter Complex likes to tell us, but one of the most common is: “You’ll never be able to pull that off again.”
If you know, you know — these thoughts can come up a lot, especially for women. My clients have said things like:
"I’m afraid I won't be able to replicate what I accomplished..."
“I know I can achieve it, but I’m afraid I can’t sustain my success…”
"I feel like I'm not doing enough or right enough..."
"I tell myself it was just 'luck'..."
In fact, that belief that we won’t be able to replicate or sustain our success — that it was luck or a fluke — has been central to this issue since Imposter Complex was identified.
More than 40 years ago, clinical psychologists Dr. Pauline Clance and Dr. Suzanne Imes coined the term “Imposter Phenomenon.” (And there’s a big reason I refer to it as Imposter Complex and not imposter syndrome which you can read about at that link.)
They started their research at Oberlin College and were working with high-functioning, high-achieving female students who almost all felt that they got into the college by fluke and that some day, any day now, they would be found out as the frauds they are.
I fell into the same trap myself: I came to coaching after years and years in an outwardly successful but ultimately unsatisfying career in advertising. I logged the hours, delivered the goods and shook the hands of satisfied clients time and again. I kept waiting for the deep-seated feelings of accomplishment and satisfaction to arrive. They didn’t.
I also suffered, a lot, from myriad “not good enough, not smart enough, not ready” beliefs. Any success I enjoyed I chalked up to someone else having made a mistake. I thought it was just a matter of time before they found out I was a fake.
And of course, none of that ever happened.
So what’s really behind this belief?
The Imposter Complex lies
Depending on which of the six behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex you most often experience, you might experience this kind of self-doubt a little differently.
For example, if you tend to compare, you’ll immediately discount your success in comparison to somebody else’s work.
If you’re a procrastinator, you’re likely to fall into the camp that says, “If I am a success this time, I’ll never be able to follow it up, so why even try....”
If you tend to diminish, you might not even acknowledge your success at all — and if you do, it will only be grudgingly, with the quick caveat that it was a fluke, a lucky break, never to be repeated…
But these are all lies that the Imposter Complex likes to tell us to keep us feeling alone and isolated, doubting ourselves and our capacity, and out of action. That’s the Imposter Complex’s whole game!
But here’s the truth, Love: Your success was the result of the skills and will you brought to the table (and, sure, MAYBE the stars were aligned as well). And so it shall be again. As long as you keep bringing your skills and will to the table.
Your skills, talent, insight, knowledge, background, creativity, and grit haven’t changed. Whatever brought you to that success (yes, even “luck”!) still exist.
And you can apply them to your next endeavor to help you see that success again…
And again…
And again.
This is not to say that you will succeed every time, but rather a reminder that if you succeeded once, you can absolutely do it again.
Fight back by celebrating your successes
Not quite sure you believe me?
That’s OK — you don’t have to take my word for it.
I challenge you to take your own word for it. Take a few moments to list out some of your greatest successes and accomplishments. Things you’ve done, said, won, launched, accomplished, shared, created, or built.
So many of us are hesitant to celebrate our wins — but the best way to knock back those fears that you can’t replicate your successes are to celebrate those successes fully and with full hearts.
We revel with ease in the light of others, which puts us halfway there. But I want you to revel in your own light.
You’ve done, seen, delivered, given, shared, helped so much. But sitting back and basking in it is so, erm, gauche, narcissistic, and conceited, non?
NON.
I suggest curating all the light that you’re shining out. I call it your YUM + YAY list or folder: a place where you can gather proof of your awesome. It’s all out there, we’re just corralling it in, with the help of the people who deeply want you to see it.
And you can do more. Better. For all.
Inviting in how you are seen, really seen by others is a gift. For them. For you. And ultimately? For us all.
I talk more about YUM + YAY in my TEDx talk which you can watch here.
This way, every time you are about to climb a mountain, face down a baddy, or find yourself doubting yourself eventhismuch, you can come back to your YUM + YAY folder to remember what you’ve forgotten — that you’ve got this.
This practice will help you take control of your dreams and acknowledge your own success.
It's time to claim the opportunities that present themselves, ask for the introductions, make the pitches, embrace the applause with full heart.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
How to Stop Caring What People Think Of You & Fearing Criticism
Are you living in somebody else’s head?
Sounds… squishy, to be sure, but it’s a chronic problem and I hear it echoed every day with my clients and the people who join my community. They say things like,
I’m constantly thinking about the person who doesn't like what I'm doing.
I worry others don't think my work is good enough.
I’m afraid of criticism.
I’m afraid if I put my work out there, I’ll get trolls and haters.
They’re deeply concerned with what’s going on in other people’s heads… what others will think or say or do.
We fear that once we become too big, too famous, too…something, then people will disconnect from us. Because we’ve seen it. Because we’ve done it.
(Ooof… That hits home, doesn’t it?)
And, more often than not, those fears manage to keep us doubting our capacity. It keeps us alone and isolated. And it keeps us completely out of action.
Those are the key hallmarks of the Imposter Complex (which, as I explain here, is not actually a syndrome, as in imposter syndrome).
So yes. Chronic. Persistent. Not going anywhere.
And so we desperately grasp for answers, for tactics, for ways to keep our eyes on our own paper. We desperately want to know: how do we learn to stop caring what other people think?!
How to Not Care What People Think
What’s fascinating about comparison is that, deep down, that intense caring about what other people think is actually a superpower.
We’re afraid of what other people will think — because we care so deeply about connecting with them.
Here’s the key reframe:
Comparison isn’t bad. It’s a teacher. And can be an excellent one.
Comparison means you always knew how you were stacking up. And how to modulate accordingly.
In fact, comparison often comes from a deep value of connection — and a desire to understand how you are connected to others and how they are connected to you.
I call people who wrestle with comparison my Seers, because they have a true vision for what they want and what others are achieving.
The key is to recognize the gift comparison can give you — if you let it.
And we create connection, conscious self-awareness, and appreciation.
Transforming the comparison habit isn’t about turning comparison OFF. It’s about turning awareness ON.
Comparing yourself to others, whether consciously or unconsciously, is a handy distraction. It’s one of the six ways the Imposter Complex keeps you from living up to your highest potential. Wasting time. Wasting gifts. Wasting self.
But when we open up to the possibility that our deep value of connection is behind those fears of not-enoughness, we can:
Recognize that no one else is ever the Authority.
Those we want to canonize are finding their own path and wrestle with their own Impostor Complexes. They don’t see themselves as THE authority either… because they are not. (No one is)
We praise people — and then persecute them when they don’t live up to our expectations.
We are killing creativity with canonization.
No more.
Now the real work begins.
Now you can catch yourself when you start to worry what other people will think and start reminding yourself of all the good you’ve already done.
You can counteract the fear of criticism with a laundry list of accolades you’ve amassed over the years.
You can remember that success isn’t finite, and someone else’s does not diminish your own.
And when you do that?
Everything changes.
Eyes on your own papers, Loves. We’ve got work to do.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
How to Stop Comparing Yourself (and Your Business) To Others
We all know the feeling…
You open up Facebook or Instagram, scrolling along, minding your own business, when suddenly, something makes you stop.
It’s a photo. Or an announcement. Or a celebration.
Suddenly your mood plummets. It takes the wind right out of your sails because someone else is doing what you do (or want to do).
And they’re doing it better.
Maybe the feeling starts in your belly and creeps up creating a tightness in your solar plexus. Suddenly your brain is spinning, going at full tilt, and the thoughts running through your head are along the lines of…
I could never do that.
I’ll never have what they have.
I could never be that successful.
They’ve already done my idea.
I can’t compete with that.
I’m not as good as them.
I’m a fraud…
Suddenly, a simple social scroll has turned into a full-blown case of compare and despair.
Comparison is one of the six behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex, something I have studied extensively with my pal Lauren Bacon, and if it’s your default, you’ll recognize that scenario intimately.
I call people who are concerned with comparison my Seers, because they’re deeply concerned with connection and they also see something bigger for themselves and others.
The problem is not with their Seeing, but rather when they get stuck in the place of comparison. That habit or behaviour of comparing themselves to others is one of the sneaky tactics of the Imposter Complex that keep us alone and isolated, doubting our capacity, and out of action.
(And, in case you’re wondering, here’s an explanation of why I call it Imposter Complex and not imposter syndrome.)
If comparison is keeping you out of action because you’re afraid you’ll never be able to do “the thing” as well as someone else, that’s the Imposter Complex talking — and we need to get through that so that you can do the amazing things you were put on this Earth to do.
How to stop comparing yourself
Comparison is often a habit — and not a great one — and so it will take some time to break the habit or the cycle of comparison. Try working your way through these three steps:
1. Identify what triggers comparison thoughts
Next time you notice that voice, those thoughts that insist you’ll never be as [FILL IN THE BLANK] as another person or business, take a moment to pause. Notice:
What are you doing?
What is the other person doing?
What is the feeling?
Make a little mental note. (Or a physical note, like in a journal, can also be helpful.)
Over time, you may notice that you tend to be stirred up by a particular person, a particular activity (scrolling Instagram anyone?), or a particular type of share (like when someone shares a big business win). Maybe you notice that you’re more likely to compare and despair when you’re already tired or anxious.
Once you’ve identified some triggers, you can make an intentional decision to avoid them — especially things that don’t add any real value to your life.
Maybe you decide to replace endless social media scrolling with a long bath when you’re tired.
Maybe you mute a particular person or account for 30 days (or forever).
Maybe you stop watching home improvement shows if they make you compare your living situation with the fancy homes on screen.
And so on.
2. Flip the script on comparison
While we’re in noticing mode, let’s start noticing what we are actually admiring in the other person. Because the flip side of jealousy or comparison is admiration.
Ask yourself:
Who do I admire?
What do I admire about them?
When I consider these people, do I notice any common threads? If so, what are they?
A quick note: Be curious about what’s REALLY behind your comparison. Ask yourself, “Do I actually admire this quality or thing — or have I been conditioned to think I should admire it?” Believe me, that’s a rabbit hole… But it can be very illuminating.
Once you have identified some things you admire, see if you can shift your energies from comparing yourself to those people or things and instead celebrate them for what they have accomplished and inspired in you.
Celebration is an entirely different energy from comparison and can really help break through that negative comparison cycle.
3. Celebrate yourself
Once you’ve identified what you admire in others, I want you to remind yourself of a very important truth:
You have the full potential to embody those same qualities and traits.
Ooooh, how does that feel? Does it sit well or make you feel uncomfortable?
In all likelihood it makes you uncomfortable because you’ve been taught not to outshine others.
But what would it look like if you allowed those parts of yourself more room?
What would you do?
How would you show up?
What Iconic Identity would you step into?
THOSE are the truths the Imposter Complex is trying to hide from you.
And, in all likelihood, it won’t be super happy when you start looking at those truths, because Imposter Complex is INVESTED in:
stopping you from creating what you want
preventing you from activating your calling
making you feel (and play) small for fear of projections
keeping you from expressing yourself fully
causing you to disown your power (and hand it over to others).
But here’s what I know for sure:
When you can identify comparison for what it is — a deep value of connection and ability to see bigger possibilities for yourself — and flip the script from comparison to celebration, those moments will no longer be able to derail you.
Instead of thinking, I could never do that…
You might instead start to think, I’m so inspired by what they’ve accomplished.
And THAT drains comparison of all its power.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
Action, Confidence, and the Imposter Complex
When people are struggling with confidence, they often also struggle to take action.
It’s something I see over and over again in my work on the Imposter Complex. (And while many people say “imposter syndrome,” this is why I use Imposter Complex instead.)
In fact, keeping you out of action is one of the three main goals of the Imposter Complex!
People think that confidence creates action.
Nerp.
Action creates confidence.
Unshakeable Confidence isn’t something you HAVE. It’s something you cultivate, practice, and devote yourself to.
And when you practice it? You become FAR more resilient to the Imposter Complex when it shows up (and it will).
You can see the Imposter Complex’s lies for what they are and have a faster recovery when it tries to take you out.
I see Unshakeable Confidence as a three-legged stool, and those three legs are Integrity, Presence, and Action.
Confidence in Action
Confidence comes from taking action — PARTICULARLY action rooted in integrity and built upon presence. (See how neatly that works??)
Hesitation creates the mountains… action moves them.
But action isn’t all heft and rigour and sweat all the time.
It’s vulnerable and tender.
And:
it’s about a willingness to fail.
it’s about being resilient.
it’s about being tenacious.
Seth Godin, that status quo-challenging marketer, is famous for saying “ship it.” He has entire journals and programs dedicated to encouraging people to “ship.” In practice, that means to publish, deliver, or otherwise put your project (whatever it is) out into the world.
It’s about taking action.
Seth calls that thing that keeps you from taking action your “lizard brain.” Steven Pressfield calls it “resistance” in The War of Art.
You might call it a lack of confidence.
I call it Imposter Complex.
But whatever you call it, however you experience it, action is the antidote.
Yes, your thing might not be perfect.
Might fall on ears unwilling or unable to hear.
Might be criticized.
Might not be your best work EVER.
Take action anyway.
The resiliency, the tenaciousness, the willingness to fail that action represents a huge step toward shoring up your Unshakeable Confidence.
You might have a problem with action if...
My work centers on the Imposter Complex and the coping mechanisms that we go to to avoid feeling like an Imposter.
Turns out, each of those behaviours corresponds pretty well to one of the three legs of the Unshakeable Confidence stool.
We KNOW we aren’t taking action because we are stuck in: procrastination or perfectionism.
And those two behaviours are sneaky ways the Imposter Complex keeps you down, prevents you from moving forward, and keeps you out of action.
(It all comes full circle…)
The opposite of procrastination and perfectionism is action.
Action looks like asking for what you need.
Action looks like saying NO.
Action looks like receiving.
Action looks like DOING.
Action looks like getting it DONE like the Unshakeable, unstoppable boss you are.
If you suspect you are out of action…
So what to do when you realize that being out of action is taking your confidence down a peg or two?
Consider:
What do you make happen?
What are you willing to risk?
How well are you cultivating resilience in yourself?
What does tenacity look like for you?
Because when you DO stabilize the stool and discover your Unshakeable Confidence:
You will have a faster recovery when the Imposter Complex shows up.
You will raise your prices.
Apply for the speaking gig.
Go for the book deal.
Build the stage.
Execute massive growth in your business.
Stand up for your truth and values.
Surround yourself with the best
Ask for what you need — with no guilt or shame.
Pursue excellence (without perfectionism).
You become an EXPERT in catching yourself when you start to waver those coping mechanisms crop up.
You expand your capacity to bring in more, much more, of what you desire.
Because more is no longer a word that scares you (much).
Action is where it all is.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
Confidence, the Imposter Complex, and Being Present
One could argue that struggling with Imposter Complex is a crisis of confidence. (And while many people call it “imposter syndrome,” this is why I use Imposter Complex instead.)
Therefore, the antidote, naturally, would seem to be Unshakable Confidence.
But what does that actually mean?
Unshakeable Confidence is the kind of confidence that you can count on and that won’t quit you.
But.
It’s not about never having your confidence waver.
To me, Unshakeable Confidence is a three-legged stool, and those three legs are Integrity, Presence, and Action.
Because the Imposter Complex has three main goals: to keep us doubting our capacity, alone and isolated, and out of action. It uses these things (through a series of lies it tells us and behaviours we fall back on) to knock our confidence down low.
Therefore the antithesis of those three goals are the three legs of the confidence stool: integrity, presence, and action.
Neat, right?
Presence vs. isolation
One of the biggest ways the Imposter Complex batters our confidence is by striving to keep us alone and isolated.
It tells us that asking for help is for the weak, that our self-doubt is PROOF of our inadequacy, and that successful people never experience this…
All lies, by the way.
And if you struggle with showing up, with presence, you’re likely to engage in a lot of diminishment and comparison — thinking up allllll the ways you don’t stack up and not taking credit for the ways you do.
So when we suffer from Imposter Complex and those feelings of isolation, diminishment, and comparison that keep us playing small and keep our confidence low, the answer is presence.
Showing up.
Owning our work and our power.
Staking our claim.
What do we mean by presence?
There’s a reason Amy Cuddy wrote an entire book devoted to it...she posits that the opposite of Fear is not Fearlessness, but rather PRESENCE.
So, to me, Presence comes down to three things:
it’s about grounding into your POWER
it’s about knowing who you ARE and what makes you YOU
it’s about having reverence for that sacred being that you are
It’s about placing value on what you are, WHO you are...the very things that are not fleeting. And the very things that are not outside of you, like your numbers, fans, followers, and dollars in the bank.
Presence is in knowing who you are, where you come from, and where you’re going.
It’s being rooted in your seat of power, knowing who you are (and who you aren’t). This allows us to hold the space to be wildly generous, expansive, and hold massive capacity — while still honouring boundaries.
We had a wonderful woman in one of my programs, and we all started to adopt her catchphrase, “I’m here for that.”
It was short form for I’m not here for everything, but I know what I know, and I know who I am, and I know what I’m here for.
Feel THAT presence? #ImhereforTHAT
Unmistakable and unshakeable. Impeccable, too.
Consider:
What are YOU here for?
Are you rooted in your power?
How well do you know your values?
How do you practice reverence for the glorious being you are?
Owning your presence
When you own your presence you won’t just be showing up more; you’ll be showing up more as your Iconic self to create Your Impeccable Impact in the world.
You won’t ever worry if you brought your A-game… Because you’re always bringing your A game.
You won’t struggle so much with comparison because you will feel secure in yourself and your values.
And diminishment? Forget it. You will know how to celebrate yourself and practice reverence for all that you are and all that you do.
All of that will help you stabilize the stool, tell Imposter Complex to take a back seat, and show up with Unshakeable Confidence.
Because when you DO?
You’ll be able to recover that much faster when the Imposter Complex does show up.
You’ll ask for the invitation to the table you want to be at.
Say yes to the speaking gig.
Finally write the book (and land the book deal).
Build the community.
Plan for massive growth in your business.
Stand up for what you know is right.
Surround yourself with people who lift you up rather than anyone who pulls you down.
Ask for what you need with confidence.
Pursue impeccability — without needing to bother with perfectionism.
Become an EXPERT in recognizing the lies Imposter Complex tells.
Expand your capacity.
Show up for you, for your work, for THEM, and for your soul.
And that’s what I want for you. The world needs your PRESENCE.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
Integrity, Confidence, and the Imposter Complex
When people are struggling with the Imposter Complex, I believe what they’re really looking for is confidence — unshakeable confidence that can carry them through any situation.
Like my friend Staci Jordan Shelton says: “don’t pray for money. Pray for CONFIDENCE.”
The kind of confidence that you can count on and that won’t quit you.
But.
It’s not about never having your confidence waver — nuh uh.
Unshakeable confidence isn’t something you HAVE. It’s something you cultivate, practice, and devote yourself to.
And when you practice it? You become FAR more resilient to the Imposter Complex when it shows up (and it will).
You can see the Imposter Complex’s lies for what they are, and have a faster recovery when it tries to take you out. (And while many people say “imposter syndrome,” this is why I use Imposter Complex instead.)
I see Unshakeable Confidence as a three-legged stool, and those three legs are Integrity, Presence, and Action.
Of the three legs, we begin with Integrity, so that we can start with a strong core and a strong foundation. Integrity is all about authenticity, obedience to your vision, and honouring your word.
Integrity
You know the oft-cited saying “if you don’t stand for something you’ll fall for everything?” Absolute truth, if a somewhat ableist expression. If integrity needed a bumper sticker, it would be that. “If you aren’t here for something, you’re here for nothing” might be a way I’d reiterate that.
And what I know about integrity is this:
it’s comprised of relentless obedience to your vision
it’s about honouring your word
it’s about operating from authenticity
Integrity means obedience to your vision
When you have obedience to your vision, you don’t let anything — like the lies of the Imposter Complex — prevent you from moving toward that vision.
Obedience to your vision is a matter of internal integrity. Only you know if you are procrastinating, diminishing, or otherwise letting the Imposter Complex distract you from your goal. But when you can right the course and steer back toward that vision, that’s integrity, and it will lead you to Unshakeable Confidence.
Integrity means honouring your word
Now, I doubt very seriously that anyone I attract in my audience is a conscious liar or a cheat. But there are more insidious ways that one might be dishonouring their word if they are out of integrity.
For example, if you and a client agree on a certain scope of work, and then the client keeps asking for a little more… and a little more… and a little more… And you just keep saying “OK” for some reason, you are NOT honouring your word. It might be a case of leaky boundaries or your people pleasing is coming through. Either way, it’s out of integrity with yourself because you’re not honouring your own word.
But when our friends, clients, customers, family members all feel assured that they can count on us to honour our word and our commitments, that is deep integrity, and that integrity will lead to your own feeling of Unshakeable Confidence.
And when we do our fabulous work while honouring our word to others AND ourselves? We become Models of Possibility. And the world could use some of those, non?
Integrity means operating from authenticity
Finally, integrity means that everything you say and do comes from a place of authenticity.
The Imposter Complex might try to convince us that we have to say or do something that isn’t quite authentic in order to be accepted at the “cool kids’” table (whomever those cool kids might be today…) It’s classic people-pleasing.
But integrity means committing to what we believe, not following the crowd, or holding the unpopular opinion — if those things are true and authentic to us.
Saying or doing what is in alignment with your truth is deep integrity — and it will shore up that feeling of Unshakeable Confidence.
You might have a problem with integrity if…
As you might have noticed, I’m often talking about the Imposter Complex and the coping mechanisms that we go to to avoid feeling like an Imposter.
Turns out, each of those behaviours corresponds pretty well to one of the three legs of the Unshakeable Confidence stool.
If you’re not honouring your integrity, you might be struggling with leaky boundaries or people-pleasing — and those behaviours are both confidence killers and important keys to understanding the Unshakeable confidence puzzle.
If you suspect you are out of integrity...
If the integrity leg of the confidence stool feels a bit wobbly, consider:
What are you committed to?
What visions are you obedient to?
Do you honour your word?
Do you show up authentically?
Because when you DO stabilize the stool:
You will have a faster recovery when the Imposter Complex shows up.
You will ask for the raise.
Say yes to the speaking gig.
Go for the book deal.
Build the platform.
Plan for massive growth in your business.
Stand up for what you know to be right.
Surround yourself with the best
Ask for what you need.
Pursue excellence, but remaining untethered to perfectionism.
You become an EXPERT in catching yourself when you start to waver those coping mechanisms crop up.
You expand your capacity to bring in more, much more, of what you desire.
And more is no longer a word that scares you….MUCH.
Show up for you, for your work, for THEM, for your soul.
That’s what I want for you.
Integrity, my friends. Nothing, and I mean nothing beats it.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.