Articles
Is the Imposter Complex ON your side?!
Post-vacation catch up and pre-back to school busyness has kicked in over here at TG Coaching HQ.
With my business mind spinning with new ideas and my mama heart trying to (unsuccessfully) figure out how to bottle time, I’ve been trying to get centered by listening to more podcasts than usual.
One of the many conversations I enjoyed listening to was between Dr. Maya Shankar and Adam Grant about the science of changing our minds. As someone who continues to look critically at my own relationship with decisiveness and discernment, I was already hooked, given the subject matter. However, what I wasn’t expecting was for them to take a quick detour to talk about the Imposter Complex, and namely why it can be a GOOD thing.
In my work, I definitely attempt to dial down the gravitas of the Imposter Complex, because I often find folks will gaslight themselves for having the experience. But it’s not often I hear others saying the IC has great BENEFITS, so I found myself leaning in a little more.
I’m gonna take a quick sidebar here to say: we’re seeing tons of new folks on our list (maybe you found me through my newest training, so WELCOME!)
If you’re new here, allow me to offer up a little overview on some of the GOOD NEWS about the Imposter Complex.
If you experience the Imposter Complex, you are BY DEFINITION a high-achiever with strong values of proficiency, excellence and INTEGRITY.
If you experience the Imposter Complex, you are HIGHLY RELATIONAL. (You can see that in the challenges you may experience relative to people-pleasing, comparison, and boundaries.)
If you experience the Imposter Complex, doing things RIGHT and by the book MATTERS to you. (And honestly? I want to live in a world where THAT matters to more people.)
I hope you’ll forgive the continued overuse of the word “matters” here, but if you experience the Imposter Complex, it’s ONLY in the areas that matter to you. Your leadership. Parenting. Writing. Teaching. Activism. Business. It’s a litmus test of sorts. Like, “does this matter enough?”
Alright, now that everyone’s refreshed on those very important points, back to the Grant and Shankar conversation. They mentioned research done by Basima Tewfik on the ways in which high-achievers might be more successful BECAUSE of their imposter-based thoughts.
For instance, medical professionals who hold any degree of uncertainty about best ways forward are far more inclined to LISTEN to their patients, rather than make presumptions about their lived experience. This is very good. Tewfik found the same was true with investment professionals. Better listening, better outcomes. Win-win.
I know for myself, the less I think I know about something, the less confident I feel in my COMPETENCE. I am that much more inclined to listen more to others who know more than I do, which is also very good.
And this exploration dovetailed beautifully with another podcast episode I have listened to more than once. It was an extraordinary conversation between Alok and the hosts of the Man Enough Podcast, about compassion and the intrinsic value of interdependence. It’s that last sliver that I’m thinking about as it relates to the Imposter Complex (but the whole hour is worth listening to.)
When we drop our pretense of perfection, when we lean in with curiosity, when we gather up support...this is when we are at our best. When we are at our most vital.
This is when we are at our most human and humane.
And this is where I ended up after sitting with both conversations.
There are useful things we can know about ourselves when the Imposter Complex shows up in our lives. Concurrently, it can also be true that there are moments in which those IC-based thoughts force us to stand up taller, listen harder, and think about things from a different lens.
But also: I’m on a mission to make sure it isn’t holding you back from doing the life-changing work you’re here to do.
Yes, I want to live in a world where folks are highly relational, curious, good listeners who want to do right by the book.
AND?
I ALSO want to live in a world where those same highly relational, curious and listening folks REWRITE the book. Because the “how this has always been done” book of status quo wasn’t written with everyone’s freedom and activation prioritized.
And the Imposter Complex may be keeping that proverbial book from being rewritten.
It may be keeping the words lodged in your throat.
It may be keeping your hand lowered.
It may be keeping you from rising up to meet the challenge.
It may be keeping you from finding your right people and your right people from finding you.
It may be keeping you ONLY in the questions and precluding decisive action.
It may be keeping you from taking up the space the universe has carved out for you and only you.
To all of this I say: not on my watch.
That’s why I do THIS work. I help folks challenge their internal programming so they can in turn challenge the programming that creates and colludes with systems of oppression.
I like to ask at the beginning of each of my speaking gigs: How can we talk about the things that feel risky when we struggle to talk about the things that reside in our wheelhouse of excellence? How can we claim a seat at a new table when we don’t even sit up tall at our own?
Let’s stay highly relational. Let’s keep being curious. Let’s embrace our high-achieving selves. Let’s retain our values of proficiency, excellence, and INTEGRITY. Let’s keep listening.
AND let’s get into action.
Informed by the Imposter Complex, but unencumbered by it.
Both/AND.
This is what I do best.
You and me.
You’re ready, and so am I.
And the world is waiting.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
Is your pricing challenge a result of the Imposter Complex? Maybe. Maybe not.
I’ve been doing a ton of teaching and live training of late. Really fun teachings* with really fun world-changers (killer combo, right?)
And as ever, my FAVOURITE part of every speaking and teaching gig is the Q+A part.
It’s then that I really, REALLY get to know what’s up for people.
What I noticed pretty much across the board at every event was that the business owners in the space wanted to know about PRICING.
More specifically, questions like:
“is my struggle with pricing related to the Imposter Complex?”
“is my struggle with pricing related to people-pleasing?”
“is my struggle with pricing related to leaky boundaries?”
“is my struggle with pricing related to diminishment?”
“is my struggle with pricing related to comparison?”
“is my struggle with pricing related to perfectionism?”
“is my struggle with pricing related to procrastination?”
My answer is generally:
Yep, most likely.
To all.
AND?
It could ALSO be related to:
An enduring hangover from a toxic corporate stint.
Living inside systems and structures that are committed to devaluing underrepresented folks.
Not having great models of possibility for fair, sustainable and HONOURING pricing practices.
A trauma response.
Family of origin upper limit situations.
And about 567 other possible factors unique to each and every one of us.
SO, it’s an ALIGNMENT and CONGRUENCY problem.
One that doesn’t simply go away by listening to some random business coach telling you carte blanche to double your rates, or add two (plus?) zeroes to your service package prices.
‘Cause you and I know that’s not in integrity for you. And I know that MATTERS to you. (That integrity, paradoxically, is CENTRAL to the Imposter Complex experience.)
But just for fun, let’s go ahead and run with how the manifestations of the Imposter Complex can get up in your pricing grill.
“Is my struggle with pricing related to people-pleasing?”
Possibly. Listen, you are relational. You are likeable. This is an important aspect of you. It has served you well. And it is entrenched in who you are and how (likely) how you’ve been conditioned.
AND...you have an embedded belief that people will be mad or disappointed that your work is not free, given that YOU know how “easy” it is for you to do. And maybe you HAVE had an experience of having to endure someone’s disappointment. I get it.
AND? If you are clear that your pricing is the right price, then this is a muscle you simply need to work out.
Because resentment pricing is no joke and has the exact OPPOSITE effect that you are hoping for.
Charge the right price. YOUR people will get it. And YOUR people will pay it.
“Is my struggle with pricing related to leaky boundaries?”
Could be. Part of the reason folks struggle with boundaries is related to a BEAUTIFUL value of generosity. We LOVE this about you.
AND? Many people will come to me when they are aware that they are on a pricing plateau. They RECOGNIZE it as an issue because they have a newly evolved sense of the value of their work.
But they are at an inflection point. They know they need to charge more and just can’t bring themselves to elevate their prices. Or they WILL decide to elevate their prices, but then get wiggly about allowing the project scope to creep. Or they will overdeliver in an effort to make it “worth their clients’ while”...as if the inherent goodness of their work wasn’t enough. I get it.
And? A good question to ask yourself: “who benefits from me staying on this plateau?”
“Is my struggle with pricing related to diminishment?”
“How does she think she is to charge that rate?” is most likely the number one reason stopping folks from raising their rates. WHAT EVERYONE will think, right?
Best to stay under the radar.
Best to not get noticed.
Best to not call attention to ourselves.
But when we sit here, we miss the opportunity to call out clients, AND OURSELVES forward. Every time I have raised my rates, the standards I have set for the impeccability of my work has risen exponentially. And I’m here for that. (It’s what I want for you as well.)
“Is my struggle with pricing related to comparison?”
Oh it’s quite possible. Comparison starts out as due diligence. Seeing what the market can bear. Which is smart...and strategic. Knowing where your service pricing lands on a spectrum of other service providers is just good business.
Just remember to keep your eye on the outcomes YOU deliver. Keep an eye on how YOU move. Keep an eye on what your clients experience is with working with YOU and only YOU. There is no one like you. NO. ONE.
And then get to it.
“Is my struggle with pricing related to perfectionism?”
Interestingly enough, while I’ve seen perfectionism play into pricing in a myriad of ways, I don’t find it to be the BIGGEST issue related to pricing as you are pretty sure you’re going to deliver at a high value. Overdelivering, to be certain. Nearing burn-out because your perfectionism requires exacting standards from you and you alone and so you don’t get additional support to cross the finish line, oh yes. And then some.
But perfectionists undercharging? I’ve got my eye more on their side chaser of diminishment or people-pleasing.
“Is my struggle with pricing related to procrastination?”
A little like perfectionism, I’m more concerned about the other behavioural traits that might show up WITH the procrastination. Because I often hear folks SAY they know it’s time to raise their rates that haven’t been raised in x number of years, but they take their sweet time BECAUSE of the comparison, people-pleasing, leaky boundaries or diminishment.
There is oh so much more to all of this (a whole book in the making, as I keep saying!) but for the moment, what I’m hoping you can see is that this work is one big carnival game of whack-a-mole.
Diminishment...BASH!
Perfectionism...KAPOW!
And when everything is said and done, these moles are NOT the root cause of the issues. They are manifestations of the Imposter Complex.
AND? The Imposter Complex is actually a manifestation of the root cause of operating inside of systems and structures that like to keep some folks down. Soooooooooooo...there’s THAT.
Pay attention to the people you admire. And see the way THEY price and I suspect you’ll find that:
they have managed to find a way to divest from a belief that the price of their service is related to the value of their beingness
they have well-toned asking muscles and do not apologize or
they are congruent and in alignment with their pricing
In fact, on this last point, I’ll go ahead and tell you what I tell almost every client at some point or another:
It’s not their business model, their platform or their messaging that you admire...it’s their ALIGNMENT.
And that’s what we’ve got to get right. With and FOR you. AND your people.
Your ALIGNMENT. Your CONGRUENCY.
Apply for a Discovery Call to discuss how we can get that locked ‘n loaded.
One thing you can count on from me: I will never (ever) be the person to tell you to double your rates, or add two (plus?) zeroes to your service package prices.
We don’t do that complete lack of nuance and context game ‘round here.
But I WILL have you look deeper. And then you just MIGHT decide that doubling your rates is the right next step. (Felt that whoosh? Good.)
So go ahead and apply for a Discovery Call here.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex..
What Reverence isn’t
Let’s talk about reverence. Because there seems to be a lot of confusion about that. What it is and what it isn’t. And I suspect that confusion comes from resistance. And for good reason...because reverence speaks to the epicentre of so much we keep from ourselves. So let’s have a look. In a moment.
We are relational.
When I talk to folks about what is most needed to overcome their propensity to diminish or compare, we of course talk about WHY they engage in those particular manifestations of the Imposter Complex in the first place.
(We say Imposter Complex, rather than imposter syndrome, and here’s why.)
And for starters, they do that because they are, you are, we are relational. I LOVE that about us.
And if you’ve been here for a while, you know I also uphold that folks who compare simply have a gorgeous value of connection. And folks who diminish have strong values of humility. Oh...and SAFETY. Let’s not forget SAFETY.
So yeah...these are worth protecting at all costs.
But when people show up on my calendar for a free Discovery Session to see if we are intended to work together, they are usually DONE with the enduring costs of comparing and diminishing.
They are DONE with being tethered to praise and criticism.
They are DONE with not fully embodying their leadership.
They are DONE with minimizing their impact.
They are DONE with working with the wrong people.
They are DONE with keeping their brilliance hidden.
They are DONE with not being compensated adequately for their work.
For themselves...and also, for the folks they know they are here to serve. Because they aren’t REACHING them.
So we walk through my tried, tested and true framework. The one that speaks into Integrity, Presence and Action. The one that moves folks from feeling like an Imposter and towards leading with impeccable impact with unshakeable confidence.
We talk about their vision, how well they are honouring their word to themselves, if they are showing up authentically. We talk about how they relate to their OWN power, how they are with support. And then I ask if they hold themselves with reverence.
This is TYPICALLY the moment when the amazing human who has found their way onto my calendar and has been furiously taking notes puts their pen down.
Because they hear something in the word REVERENCE.
What reverence isn’t…
There’s something about this word they fear and yet yearn for. It’s familiar and foreign at the same time. It strikes them as pious...but also sacred.
And? They know it’s missing from their own lived experience of themselves.
So back to what reverence is. Starting with what reverence ISN’T.
Reverence isn’t just self-respect.
It isn’t just self-love.
It isn’t just self-esteem.
It isn’t just self-regard.
It’s all of it.
When we perceive it as ONLY self-respect or self-esteem, we can get trapped in the overworking, over-proving to ourselves perfectionist loop. Reverence isn’t that.
When we perceive it as ONLY self-love or self-regard, we can lose the plot on how we are relating to others. It rankles our beliefs about conceit and vanity. Reverence isn’t that.
We need all of it for you to hold reverence for all of YOU.
Reverence is…
Reverence, in its simplest form, is the holding of ourselves in the way that we hold someone we love, respect, regard and admire. (Notice I said simple...not easy. Though you may also notice how easy it IS for you to do this for others.)
It’s about letting ourselves know, as we would let our beloveds know, that we are not required to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. It’s about letting ourselves know, as we would let our beloveds know, that the high expectations matter AND are to be held with grace. It’s about letting ourselves know, as we would let our beloveds know, that we are so much more than enough, (and no, not too much). And it’s about letting ourselves know, as we would let our beloveds know, that our job is not to make sure everyone is happy. That that is an exercise in futility.
Clarifying, right?
And when you DON’T hold yourself with the reverence you so richly deserve (and you do deserve it), the costs are plenty.
You will remain hooked to praise and criticism.
You will keep hedging on fully embodying your leadership.
You will continue to minimize your impact.
You will keep holding the door open for the wrong people.
You will keep your brilliance hidden.
You will stay undercompensated for your work.
(And if you are reading this and giving me a side-eye because you are super clear that you hold yourself and your work in the highest esteem and regard but are undercompensated for OTHER reasons, then by all means...feel free to move onto the next article ...I’ll be talking about what I have learned from the most “successful” people I know).
But if when you read the costs of not holding yourself in reverence and felt a pang in the very centre of your being? That aforementioned epicentre of all you keep from yourself?
Now we’re cookin’ with gas.
Because as I’m really being honest with you, that’s the part of you I’m most interested in speaking with. It is the wisest part of you. It’s the most truthful part of you. And it’s the part that I see most clearly.
It’s the part that knows your magnificence.
The part that knows the full capacity of your radiance, extravagance and brilliance.
The part that knows that reverence for the divine and sacred being you are is your birthright.
The part that knows, really knows what is available for you, in your most expansive glory.
And it’s the part that wants help in cultivating that sense of reverence. The part that had you put your metaphorical pen down and lean in a little closer.
Because when you can cultivate that sense of reverence, you’ll experience what my client Nokubonga Mbanga does and describes in the most exquisite way (as she does):
“When I am in reverence for myself, it feels like I am standing in my power station, it feels like a Sunday lunch, it feels like that laughter that comes deep in my belly, it feels like the music that swirls in my waist, it feels like dancing like all parts of you are watching, it feels like feeling good every day, it feels like a freedom song.
It feels like freedom to choose me, it feels like freedom to be visible to me, it feels like freedom to expand who and what I am.
You step in with Goddess moves. You step in to self- authorise, you step in collecting shiny objects in the dark corners of your story, you step in shining light to all the colours of your existence, you step in to sprinkle wisdom from your experiences.”
Yes, Nokubonga.
It’s THAT.
Now back to you.
And the centre of your knowing.
We need to talk.
It’s time you offered yourself the gifts of reverence rather than the spoils of anything else.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
5 Ways to Stop Procrastinating (You DON'T Work Best Under Pressure)
There’s this… thing you want to do.
It’s been on your to do list for a while now, and on your mind for even longer.
It’s going to be huge, epic, world-changing, paradigm-shifting!
If you could only get started…
Sound familiar?
If so, you’re not alone. There are plenty of smart, high achieving people out there who struggle with procrastination — even when it comes to things they think and say they desperately want!
And this is especially true if you also suffer from the Imposter Complex. (Around here we say Imposter Complex instead of imposter syndrome, and here’s why.)
Because procrastinating is one of the six behaviours of the Imposter Complex — that AWFUL feeling that we dread experiencing… being found out... The other shoe dropping... Being unmasked... We know better than everyone around us that WE ARE THE Imposter. We are CERTAIN of it. And it’s just a matter of time before “THEY” find out.
The Imposter Complex wants to keep us out of action (because that keeps us safe). Except: when you stay out of action, you deprive us of the gift you are. The gifts that you’ve been given. You deprive of us the YOU that we need.
If you’re a coach, service provider, or entrepreneur, this is especially dreadful for you, because it means you’re avoiding the very things that would help you grow your business, serve more people, and create your Impeccable Impact.
Lie number seven of the Imposter Complex — “you’re not ready yet” — is intimately associated with procrastination, it tends to show up right after you’ve decided to do the thing, and it is a seductive and tricky beast because it seems so rational.
It suggests that you MAY be ready ONE day… that day's just not today. Yup. It's giving you slack, all right.
Just enough slack in the rope to tangle yourself into the loop of inspiration -> preparation -> frustration -> procrastination -> inspiration…
It disguises itself as the oh-so-logical argument that you just need a little more — experience, education, time, whatever.
I say you’re ready enough.
And?
No one was ever fully ready. For anything.
Don’t let that stop you.
5 Ways to stop procrastinating now
Of course, if you’re out here Googling “how to stop procrastinating” you want some tangible tips...
A caveat first: I don’t believe in hustling or “hustle culture”. I don’t believe in just jamming things through for the sake of ticking off the box on your to do list.
I think that procrastination can also look like deep discernment. Thoughtfulness. Judiciousness. Care. Not rushing in and causing damage.
So the type of procrastination we’re discussing here is the type that’s popping up because somewhere deep down you don’t believe you can do the thing — not the type that might stem from being burned out, out of alignment with the work, or being a cog in a capitalist machine that values productivity over people, m’kay?
Cool. As long as we’ve got that cleared up, here are some suggestions to help you stop procrastinating:
Remind yourself of everything you’ve already done. If you suspect your procrastination does stem from Imposter Complex, from a fear that you’re not really ready to do the thing, then the best remedy is to remind yourself of all the things you’ve already done. As you sit down to make the call or write the book or step up to the mic to deliver the talk that will change EVERYTHING, think about how everything you have ever made, delivered, sold, created, drafted, crafted, survived, healed, and done is coming together. Right here and now. For this very purpose. For this very moment. Whew! It’s a lot! Good job. And? It proves that you absolutely can do this. Because you have.
Call on your supporting cast. Some people are what author Gretchin Rubin calls “obligers” — they will move mountains to fulfil a commitment they’ve made to someone else, but when they’re just making a commitment to themselves… meh. If that sounds like you — or you just like the feeling of outside accountability — then call in someone from your supporting cast to hold you to your word. Tell a bestie, a coach, a partner, or a teammate that you plan to do the thing by a particular deadline, and then ask them to hold you accountable. It can work wonders!
Break it down into tiny steps. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time, as the old saying goes. If the end goal feels overwhelming (giving a TED talk, writing a book, starting a business, etc.), then start by breaking that goal down into its smallest component parts. What’s the smallest step you can take that will constitute progress on this today? Researcher and author B.J. Fogg suggests that tiny habits are the key to success, so break that goal down as small as you can possibly go.
Instead of committing to writing a page a day, for example, what if you committed to just writing one sentence? If you do more than that, you’re winning! But even if all you get is one sentence written, that’s one more than you had yesterday. Bonus: The Imposter Complex has a harder time arguing that you’re not ready enough to write one sentence, so this might help quiet those doubts long enough to get started.Go deep. If you continue to struggle with procrastination, we need to explore why. Everybody has days when they don’t feel like working — but if your procrastination days outnumber your productive days, there’s a reason. Your tendency to procrastinate may come from an excellent place. Maybe your fabulous values of temperance and analysis simply want to make sure that you’re doing your work at your best. Maybe it’s true that you are in the 0.1% of the population who actually DO work best under pressure. Maybe the task at hand is just not tapping into your creative genius. I totally get it.
There are two kinds of procrastination: active and passive. If you’re an active procrastinator, this just may, in fact, be your style. But can we agree that it causes you undue stress and anxiety nonetheless? And if you’re a passive procrastinator, it may be a function of being paralyzed by the enormity of the work ahead. In either case, understanding your tendencies and that procrastination is a place we hide out in when we are having a hard time coping with the Imposter Complex will help you overcome it.Eliminate your distractors. Now, don’t let that “going deep” introspection derail you even more! When it’s time to get to work, be honest with yourself and eliminate your preferred procrastination distractions: hide your phone, turn off email alerts, log out of Facebook, disable your Netflix account — whatever it takes! Then remind yourself that you can go back and do all those things once you’re finished with the task at hand. It just might be the carrot and stick you need to get going.
All good suggestions, right? And… perhaps easier said than done.
But when the litany of reasons you can’t do the thing start piling up…
You’re not smart enough.
Wise enough.
Brave enough.
Charismatic enough.
Gorgeous enough.
Spiritual enough.
Wealthy enough…
Just remember this: You’re ready enough to take the first step.
And it could be that the first step is enough to propel you forward toward your dreams.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
Successful People Still Doubt Themselves. (All the Freaking Time.)
There's this phrase around the internet: "Success is never owned; it is only rented – and the rent is due every day."
And I want to disagree. Vehemently.
We have a funny relationship with success, and it’s certainly one of the places where Imposter Complex most likes to hide out.
(And I call it Imposter Complex instead of imposter syndrome for a good reason — but this is true whatever you want to call it.)
You CAN own your success, even when you doubt yourself, even when you think it can't be replicated, even if you fear it's temporary ... it's YOURS.
But Imposter Complex would have us doubt all of that.
It would have you think that successful people don’t ever doubt themselves. (And therefore, if you experience self doubt, you’re not successful. QED.)
It would like us to believe that when (if) we reach a certain level of success (somewhere farrrrrrrrrrrrr beyond where we are currently, obviously), then we will know for certain that we are successful. That we are no longer imposters.
It pretends there is some bright line that separates the imposters from the truly successful.
But the truth is that actual imposters don’t experience Imposter Complex the same way successful, thoughtful, driven people (frequently women) do. In fact, the idea of the Imposter Complex is rooted in the idea that it shows up in objectively successful people.
Successful folks still doubt themselves
No matter which lie of the Imposter Complex is keeping your belief about your capacity at bay, the best and only way to wriggle free is by deepening into the TRUTH: that successful people absolutely do experience this.
Actors, sports professionals, business people, entrepreneurs, parents… it seems about 70% of people at some point will experience the feelings to some degree (though the data is still insufficient and heavily English-language and North American-focused).
Want names?
Maya Angelou, Emma Watson, Michelle Obama, Mindy Kaling, Neil Gaiman, Amanda Palmer, Tina Fey, Natalie Portman, Penélope Cruz, Jessica Chastain, Amy Schumer, Gillian Jacobs, Lena Dunham, Padma Lakshmi, Jennifer Lee, Justice Sonia Sotomayor, Samantha Bee, Kate Winslet, Jodie Foster, Cara Delevingne, Joyce M Roche, Cheryl Strayed, Helen Mirren, Meryl Streep, Emma Watson, Robert Pattinson, Einstein, Kate Winslet, Jennifer Lopez, Natalie Portman, Daniel Radcliffe, Amy Adams, Chris Martin, Jodie Foster, Renée Zellweger, Amy Poehler, Lady Gaga, Michelle Williams, John Steinbeck, Meryl Streep, Anne Lamott, Chris Martin, Jerry Seinfeld.
Plus the hunnnnnndreds of Rockstar Leaders I’ve coached that I can’t name here.
I’ve even heard tell that there were writings about the experience of the Buddha and Jesus Christ but just can’t seem to find sources on this.
This to say: You are in excellent company.
That’s why I take such delight in collecting stories of the great and the good who feel the same way you do. (And believe me: whenever a new one pops up, my people make sure I see it!)
For example:
“Have I ever doubted myself? Have I ever not? I feel self-doubt whether I’m doing something hard or easy.” — Sigourney Weaver
“Even though I have been in politics for a long time, I have been First Minister for four years, there will be days when I think 'should I even be here? Is somebody about to find me out?’ [...] I don't think there is a woman alive, particularly working-class women, who don't experience that at some point in their lives, and probably quite regularly.” — Nicola Sturgeon, Scottish First Minister.
“So I have to admit that today, even 12 years after graduation [from Harvard], I’m still insecure about my own worthiness. I have to remind myself today, You are here for a reason. Today, I feel much like I did when I came to Harvard Yard as a freshman in 1999 … I felt like there had been some mistake — that I wasn’t smart enough to be in this company and that every time I opened my mouth I would have to prove I wasn’t just a dumb actress.” — Natalie Portman
“The first problem of any kind of even limited success is the unshakable conviction that you are getting away with something, and that any moment now they will discover you. It’s Impostor Syndrome, something my wife Amanda (Palmer) christened the Fraud Police.” – Neil Gaiman
“I go through [acute impostor complex] with every role. I think winning an Oscar may in fact have made it worse. Now I’ve achieved this, what am I going to do next? What do I strive for?” — Lupita Nyong’o
“There are an awful lot of people out there who think I’m an expert. How do these people believe all this about me? I’m so much aware of all the things I don’t know.” — Dr. Margaret Chan, Chief of the World Health Organization
“I have written eleven books, but each time I think, ‘uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.” – Maya Angelou
In fact, Oprah famously says that every person she has interviewed — including Barack Obama and Béyonce — have asked her the same question as soon as the cameras were off:
“How was that? Was that OK? How’d I do?”
How to move past it when you doubt your success
If successful people still doubt themselves (and I think it’s fair to say they do), how do we move past it?
How do we own our success?
The Imposter Complex wants you to doubt the value of your contributions and your successes.
Don’t let it.
Go Inside First
We must look long and hard and close at the TRUTH about our successes.
This requires us to KNOW ourselves; our strengths, our values, how we do what we do.
And uncomfortably, this means we have to look at what we have DONE.
I call this Bolstering your Authority Thesis.
When was the last time you listed every.single.thing you ever did brilliantly well? Every.single.thing you delivered, sold, created, influenced, decided, authored, won, crafted?
When was the last time you listed every.single.thing you have survived? Every.single.thing you have healed and fixed and released?
Yes, I’m talking about that grade 7 science fair project and the time you asked for the business and the time you raised your hand and the time you claimed what you knew and the time you overcame THE THING and the time you had the hard conversation and the time you risked the heartbreak and the time you called them in and the time you did NOT tolerate it and the time you broke the record and the time you chose you and the time you did not back down and the time you got back up and the time you said yes when you meant it and the time you dug deep in spite of the fear and the time they recognized you but you realized the recognition of your self was more valuable. All those times.
And then some.
When was the last time you did that?
Oh… you haven’t ever?
And why not?
We struggle with owning up to our accomplishments because we don’t PAUSE in celebration. We don’t rest in celebration to integrate the hard work. We’re on to the next thing. Wanting to want, not wanting to get.
Celebration offers us the chance to remember that there was once a time when you believed what you have just done was not possible.
So yes. Get every.single.thing you’ve ever done written out. Keep on writing until you have run out of paper then buy another ream. You’ll know when you’re done.
And on an on-going basis, track your wins. All of them.
DAILY.
Because in doing so, you are building a new narrative. One that celebrates your resilience and tenacity and helps you to recognize all the times you've stood in your doubt at this very precipice of your desires. Of expansion. Of a breakthrough.
Get Outside
And ONCE you’ve done that internal analysis of your capacity — or, in other words, realized that you are a badass — THEN you have a fighting chance of believing people when they tell you that you are truly remarkable.
(I highly recommend you believe them. It’s the arrogance of the Imposter Complex that has you disbelieving them after YOU’VE already done the analysis.)
But you MUST go inside before you can receive what others on the outside are telling you. And when you’re there, gather it alllll up. The reference letters, the sweet tweets, the cards, the emails. Gather it all up and hold the sacredness of accolades as true. Feel the gift of the acknowledgments and notice how the doubt of your capacity starts to melt away.
You did things. All the things.
Those are your successes, and nothing, nothing can take those away from you.
You don’t have to pay the rent with your hustle or grind or more success.
Time does not dull or diminish those successes.
They are yours to keep — if you will own them.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
How to Speak Up & Be Seen—So You Can Play Big & Build Your Platform
“Speak up!”
“Post on social media!”
“Toot your own horn a little.”
“You have to talk about what you do so people can hire you…”
Oh, if only it were that simple.
Often, a fear of speaking up or being seen is a symptom of a person struggling with Imposter Complex.
(By the way, here’s why I say Imposter Complex instead of Imposter Syndrome).
It shows up when there’s a conversation going on around you (digitally or in real life) and you have an opinion… but can’t quite form the words to get it out.
It shows up as writer’s block when the cursor blinks maddeningly at you, daring you to write what you really think…
It might show up for you somewhere else — in a meeting at work, at a party with friends, in opportunities to promote yourself, or anywhere your voice might be heard.
It’s usually a version of one of the 12 Lies of the Imposter Complex rattling around in our brain: “You have nothing useful to say.”
This is a blatant lie, of course. Because you? Have big plans. You have big ideas. And these big ideas require us to play bigger and build a platform that — GULP — requires us to speak up and speak out.
But when we believe this lie, we say nothing. We don't communicate with our audience, our clients, our fans. We pass up opportunities to share our message (what message?) and don't collaborate with our peers (everyone knows more than I do about the topic!). And we miss out on growth, learning, and connection.
Unfortunately, many of us were taught — implicitly or explicitly — that it wasn’t safe to speak up. Girls and women in particular are taught that to be quiet is to be “good” from an early age. We’re disciplined in school for talking out of turn.
For some, the trauma associated with being seen is real. And for Black, Indigneous, and People of Colour and other marginalized people in particular, that feeling of being unsafe can be very real.
So we learn to keep quiet. Don’t rock the boat. Don’t speak out of turn. (And when exactly is our turn?)
When I ask the members of my Facebook group how the Imposter Complex shows up for them, I get answers like:
"I stay quiet & small"
"I’m passive"
"I'm the best kept secret"
"I wish I could just say things"
"I wonder which voice is mine vs. others"
"fear of being seen"
"playing big vs. small"
"I second guess myself"
"I minimize my visibility"
"I’m the last to speak up"
"I have nothing to say"
"promoting myself feels like heavy lifting"
"avoiding tasks that put me out there to get rolling (like follow up)"
Any of that sound familiar?
How a fear of speaking up & being seen might manifest for you
Depending on which of the six behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex you most often experience, you might experience the self-doubt of Lie #4 in different ways:
If you’re a people-pleaser, you might find you don't want to "bother" people with your unoriginal thoughts. If you tend to compare, you’re always comparing what you want to say with what others have already said (and probably finding your version lacking). If you tend to diminish, you’re going to get stuck on the idea that not only has it been said before, but it’s been said better.
No matter which behavioural trait is keeping you from speaking your truth in the way that only you can, the solution is to remember that your people want to hear your take, your version, your view.
How to speak up & be seen — even when the Imposter Complex tries to tell you not to
How you actually find your voice will vary from person to person — but remember that it is your voice to find, and that your people will want to hear what you have to say.
A few practical tips to get you started:
Take note of when you do feel confident speaking up and when you don’t. For example, a friend of mine often feels uncomfortable speaking up for herself with clients — but if her team members need something, she has the courage of a mama bear to speak to the client. Interesting…
Plan ahead. If your fear of showing up and being seen is truly about an event (ie: speaking up in a meeting, going live on Facebook, sharing your prices with an interested person on a sales call), writing down what you want to say ahead of time and practicing is a great way to start. But don’t just practice the words; practice the feelings of confidence as well.
Take imperfect action. The Imposter Complex wants to keep us out of action — one of its sneaky tricks. Allowing yourself the freedom to take imperfect action disrupts its plans.
Call in your people. As I’ve said above, your people are rooting for you. They want you to win. So stack the deck in your favor. Invite a few ringers to the audience to start the applause or ask the first question. Ask a friend for support when you have to make a difficult phone call. Invite your besties to be the first to like your new thing on social media. It’s like priming the pump, and believe me that even if they are the first to join you, they won’t be the last.
When you fully embody your Iconic Identity and start sharing the full expression of who you are and the important work you’re creating, lots of magical things start to happen. It’s inevitable.
What’s also inevitable is that some people in your life may not really understand it. And, this will likely sting a bit. Your work will be in being okay with it. And that may not happen right away.
However you deal with these folks, remember one final inevitability that WILL occur as you start to speak up, be seen, and do your important work:
The people who GET it will show up. They are your fans, your champions, and your new source of inspiration and motivation.
So practice speaking up, showing up, playing a little bigger. You may be amazed at who is watching.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.