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How to Stop Playing Small: Diminishment and the Imposter Complex
It’s a funny thing.
When people are faced with the different behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex (P.S. this is why I use “Imposter Complex” instead of “Imposter Syndrome”) — that is to say: people-pleasing, procrastination, perfectionism, leaky boundaries, comparison, and diminishment — it’s DIMINISHMENT, the fact that they’re playing small, that most people come around to eventually.
It’s a one-two punch. They may initially identify as a people-pleaser or a perfectionist, but upon further digging, what tends to often be in the way of getting their great work out in the world is the fact that they keep playing small and diminishing themselves. (If you haven’t ID’d what might be in your way yet, check out the Imposter Complex quiz here.)
Diminishment is about hiding out — playing small, dimming your light — to make others feel comfortable, and in doing so, convincing yourself that you're not actually worthy of shining anyway.
Diminishment is the way in which we dial our brilliance and our message down. Take up less space. Avoid displaying actual confidence at all costs.
I suppose this should come as no surprise to me given the evocative language I use in and around “Stepping into your Starring Role” and creating “Your Impeccable Impact;” it’s INTENDED to be a calling forth of those hiding ever so slightly in the shadows off-stage.
Which is to say...YOU.
Diminishment is a nice and safe way to avoid feeling like an Imposter. No one can call us fraud, charlatan or cast us aside if they can’t see us, right?
To be certain.
And of course, it doesn’t just look like staying off the metaphorical stage.
When you tell me that you were so ‘lucky that the universe sent you the perfect designer,’ I will remind you that YOU made it happen. YOU took the chance and went on a coffee date and were open and willing and transparent. That YOU have built up a reputable business through tenacity and with excellence that anyone would be thrilled to be a part of. That YOU did your due diligence and knew what the market would bear and made the ask, even as you feared rejection. But yeah. Sure. It was the ‘universe.’
When you tell me that you are having a hard time filling up your Yum and Yay folder because “they’re just being nice” with their praise, I will remind you that nobody has time to just be nice like that and if they sent you a lovely thank you card because you helped them find a new way forward with the problem that they have been grappling with that MAYBE, JUST MAYBE you ought to dare to believe them when they tell you how truly remarkable you really are. In fact, MAYBE, JUST MAYBE you ought to take their words and add them to your testimonials page for the world to see the truth.
So yes,
Diminishment looks like playing small.
Diminishment looks like discounting others’ praise.
Diminishment looks like downplaying our successful decisions and wins.
Diminishment looks like handing over credit where credit isn’t due.
Diminishment looks like hiding behind our clients.
Diminishment looks like minimizing our extraordinary work… because it’s “just what we do… it’s not special.”
Diminishment looks like a crisis of presence.
Diminishment looks like the opposite of sovereignty.
Now, you have good reasons for hiding your glory from us. Of that I am certain.
Maybe you have been burned by loving yourself out loud. (This is particularly acute for folx who are marginalized by the dominant culture.)
Maybe you have seen, far too often, the “good” person corrupted by the limelight.
Maybe you have seen… or have even inadvertently participated in the canonization to demonization of someone.
Maybe you have experienced the pain of the Tall Poppy Syndrome.
Maybe you have experienced the sting of haters and trolls.
Maybe you have committed the Sin of (Out)Shining.
Maybe your strong and glorious value of humility fears getting it wrong and having to eat humble pie.
And, speaking of pies, maybe you’ve been told you’ve already had too much pie. “Be satisfied with what you have, Sugar. It’s greedy to want more.”
There is no quick and easy hack to any of this. Trust me. I know.
But if you want to — really and truly want to — stop playing small and take the stage with your message, your vocation, your calling, I’m certain it will be worth every moment of tension.
It will involve you being brave enough to confront the reasons you stay out of action and the resistance that is keeping you from what you say you want.
It will require you to look at all you have done, without the red pen of editorializing and discounting the efforts you’ve made and the outcomes you’ve created.
It will demand that you not go this alone. It will mean you will gather your people, assemble your cast, bring your fans in close and trust in them. But above all, it will demand that YOU trust in YOU.
It’s time to step up.
More pie, please.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
When is there still room for improvement...and when is it resistance?
I spent a great deal of time, energy, and thought discerning and devising my list of the 12 lies of the Imposter Complex.
Lies like:
Lies, all.
These lies are intended to keep you alone and isolated, doubting your capacity, and out of action because that’s where you are the most vulnerable and that’s where the Imposter Complex thrives.
(And there’s a very good reason why I say Imposter Complex instead of Imposter Syndrome).
Inevitably, however, whether I’m giving a talk to 100 people or having a one-on-one conversation with a client, a big BUT comes up…
“But… I’m really not ready yet, because I don’t know how to....”
“But…I’m afraid I’m going to get it wrong and cause harm…”
“But...I’m afraid I haven’t done enough analysis…”
“But...what if there is a better way and I haven’t figured it out yet…”
“But...there are angles I haven’t explored yet…”
Here’s the big, important TRUTH:
There's room for improvement.
Yes. yes. yes. There is room.
Which is good news for you, you high-functioning overachiever, you. On your quest for impeccability and excellence, there are plenty of new heights to reach and plenty of new depths to explore.
The moment of truth comes in the discernment: when is there truly room for improvement, and when is it the Imposter Complex talking.
Simple, not easy.
Learning to tell truth from lies
What I know for sure is that the lies of the Imposter Complex are seductive.
It can be easier, more comfortable even to believe the lies, to fall back on the behaviours that the Imposter Complex has taught you.
But the very fact that you are here, that you’re examining your relationship to the Imposter Complex, tells me that you aren’t satisfied with that status quo any longer.
It tells me that you have already started to question the veracity of those lies that echo around in your head whenever you step out, take chances, and try something new.
You're on a path for more. It's simply the nature of the ego. It wants to want more than it wants to get.
Wanting more IS your prerogative AND the very reason that you have achieved so very much already.
Once you’ve decided that you want something bigger, something more, that’s when you have to start to ask yourself:
Which parts of my resistance are lies, and which are truths?
The Lie is “I’m not ready enough….” but the truth is, sometimes there is more you need to do or learn in order to be ready — like learning a new skill or talking to an expert. But...I invite you to consider that you ARE ready enough to get started.
The Lie is “Successful people don’t experience this…” but the truth is, you are not seeing what their lived experience ACTUALLY is. Perhaps they have simply found the tools I teach and are having a faster recovery.
The Lie is “You can’t trust the praise of others…” and perhaps you have had the lived experience of being gaslit, shamed, or held down which DOES make it hard to trust people. But they aren’t YOUR people, are they? And YOUR people want you to succeed.
I experienced this myself over the last couple of years when I started to delve more deeply into the intersectionality piece to my Imposter Complex work.
Like I say in the intro to my Ready Enough with Tanya Geisler podcast: To a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
But sometimes the problem is not a nail. Sometimes it's microaggressions. Or racism. Or homophobia. Or fat-phobia. Or alcohol. Or anxiety. Or discrimination. Or systemic obstacles by patriarchal structures designed to keep women and nonbinary folx, people of colour, LGBTQI folx, and other marginalized people from climbing to the top.
As soon as I started to have these realizations, the Imposter Complex could have stopped me cold by telling me, You’re not ready to be an expert on the Imposter Complex if you can’t address aaaaaaaaallll these nuances. Immediately!
Luckily, I’m pretty seasoned at hammering back at the Imposter Complex — for myself, with my clients, my audience, and my readers — and I was able to recognize that Lie for what it was.
Which is WHY I started my podcast, Ready Enough with Tanya Geisler.
(See how meta that title is now, right??)
I realized the Truth, that I had more learning to do, and the lie that I wasn’t ready enough to keep pressing forward.
As I said: simple, not easy.
So, the big Truth here is, yes, there is always room for improvement.
And it takes practice to be able to tease out that truth from the Lies, to discern where improvement is warranted, and where the lies just want to keep you out of action.
I’ve spent my career developing tools to help make that discernment easier and more clear. It’s a process, and one I would be honoured to guide you through. If you’re interested in going deeper, click here to book a Breakthrough Call with me.
And? Be sure to pause and celebrate your success. The hard conversation, the win, the tenacity, the resilience. All of it. Celebration is what truly conditions us for MORE.
''Thank you, more please" is indeed a prayer.
You can be entirely grateful and want more.
(Preferably in that order.)
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
Lie of the Imposter Complex #12: Asking for Help is For the Weak.
Remember that the goal of the Imposter Complex is to keep you out of action, doubting your capacity, and alone and isolated?
Well, Lie #12 leans hard into that third leg of the stool. (It also sounds like: I should be able to figure this out for myself.)
This lie is a nasty cocktail of several of the lies you've already encountered. And it's a killer that you need to cut out.
The reason so many of the lies of the Imposter Complex have to do with you being alone and isolated is that that's where you are the most vulnerable. And the least impactful.
(By the way, here’s why I say Imposter Complex instead of Imposter Syndrome).
In fact, it COUNTS on you feeling alone and isolated… keeping you singled out with your head down.
Don't let it.
I remind my clients of this in every program, every mastermind, every group I run: that they can and should ask their fellows for help — solving problems, promoting offers, reaching the right people, etc. — and yet, inevitably, people “forget” to mention that they’re launching something new, struggling with a problem, or looking to connect with a certain type of person.
Even I fall into this trap, occasionally.
No one needs to go this alone. In fact, no one should. Asking for help means you're serious about your success.
How resisting asking for help might manifest for you
Depending on which of the six behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex you most often experience, you might experience the self-doubt of Lie #12 a little differently:
If you’re a people-pleaser, part of pleasing people is about looking like you have all your shit together all the time… right? So you certainly don’t want anyone to have cause to doubt you by revealing that you need help…
If you have leaky boundaries, you probably tend to assume that other people also have leaky boundaries and you don’t want to bother them by asking them for help…
If you tend to compare, you will decide that because someone else was able to do it on their own, you should be able to as well (regardless of whether that other person actually did it on their own or not).
If you’re a perfectionist, it’s likely you believe that your results don’t “count” if you don’t do everything yourself.
If you’re a procrastinator, not asking for the help you need — or deciding that you just need a bit more education, research, etc. on your own — is an excellent way to keep procrastinating from doing the actual thing.
If you tend to diminish, you might decide that you don’t deserve help, or that you’re a failure because you need to ask for help in the first place.
So, what kind of help is yours? ALL kinds of help.
Helping you to see what you've done in the past (if that was a challenge back in lie #7).
Helping you refine your vision.
Filling gaps.
Bolstering you when you need it.
Allowing you to practice.
Making connections.
Pointing out your blind spots.
Supporting and championing you.
Lean into your people. Get an accountability partner. Assemble your cast. Gather a mastermind. Hire a coach.
YOUR people want you to succeed.
It may seem pat, but when I feel into what it is that folks listening need to hear and know? It’s that.
YOUR people want you to succeed.
But who are YOUR people?
It’s a question I try to answer as best as I can. I say things like:
They are the ones committed to you knowing what you are HERE for.
They are the ones committed to you showing up in your PRESENCE.
The ones who are not afraid of your power.
The ones who encourage you to know yourself.
The ones who encourage you to show yourself reverence.
This is what we ask in our household when we are trying to discern our people:
Are they expanders?
Are they contractors?
Or are they neutral?
This IS how you know.
This is how you know who to COUNT on.
This is how you know who to RELEASE.
And this is how you know who can stick around... at least for the time being.
This is how you know who YOUR people are.
And trust me.
YOUR people want you to succeed.
That’s just true. (They told me so.)
So ask. Ask, ask, ask, and ask again.
Your people want you to succeed. Let them help you.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
Lie of the Imposter Complex #11: You're Gonna Have to Fake it 'til You Make it.
How many times have we heard people suggest that we “fake it ‘til we make it” in uncertain or uncomfortable circumstances?
It’s so common — and it’s #11 in the 12 Lies of the Imposter complex.
(By the way, here’s why I say Imposter Complex instead of Imposter Syndrome).
This oft-cited directive has been a well-intended strategy to circumvent the Imposter Complex. And while I completely understand the science underneath playing the game, ramping up our bravado, taking powerful stances until they are baked right into our confidence, I take a strong stand for this simply colluding with our already exacerbated sense of imposterhood.
Because in my experience, you don’t have to fake anything.
You already have qualifications, abilities, skills, and capacities that you’re bringing to any situation.
You don’t have to fake it — you’re ready enough. (See Lie #7 — You’re not ready.)
And of course, per my Ready Enough podcast interview with Janelle Allen, “fake it ‘til you make it” is a perspective that has privilege baked right in. I highly recommend you listen to Janelle’s thoughts on this.
How faking it ‘til you make it might manifest for you
Depending on which of the six behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex you most often experience, you might experience the self-doubt of Lie #11 a little differently:
If you’re a people-pleaser, you might fall into “fake it” thinking as a way of diminishing or explaining how you’re going to show up — for fear that you won’t live up to other people’s standards.
If you have leaky boundaries, you may shelve what you think you know, what you THINK you are capable of, in favour of others’ perspectives, which erodes your confidence and convinces you that you have to fake something.
If you tend to compare, you will compare your efforts, your readiness, your abilities to someone else’s and find yourself “fake” by comparison.
If you’re a perfectionist, you might feel like you’re always faking it, whatever it is, because your efforts never live up to your internal standards.
If you’re a procrastinator, deciding that you must fake it in order to make it might be just the excuse you need not to try right now (or… ever).
If you tend to diminish, thinking that you’re “faking it” is a way of internally diminishing your own abilities, and talking about it is a way of broadcasting that diminishment to others (see Lie #6 — you must tell everyone about this).
But none of this is inevitable.
You, my friend, are not fake — and you don’t have to be anything other than your most authentic self in order to “make it.”
Rooting into what's true, meaningful, and authentic about your qualifications, abilities, and capacity is far more important and enduring.
“Embody what’s already here and authentic for you” isn’t quite as catchy as “fake it ‘til you make it”, but it’s still the truth.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
Lie of the Imposter Complex #10: You Can't Trust the Praise of Others
It's not their fault, really. You've done such a good job pulling the wool over everyone's eyes for so long that they were BOUND to think you were smarter, more competent, or capable than you really are… right?
I laugh at this tweet every time someone sends it to me. It’s funny because it’s true. The Imposter Complex demands that we question the praise of others — but also somehow has us convinced that we are such a good actor that we have everyone fooled!
(By the way, here’s why we like to say Imposter Complex instead of Imposter Syndrome).
So we fall back on lie #6: We best tell everyone about this. Set the record straight. Assure them of the error of their ways. Point out all the flaws in your report, sloppiness of your work, gaps in your logic. Call yourself out for the Imposter that you are.
(And even if you manage to refrain from correcting them, you still don’t quite believe them, either.)
Sometimes we might mistake this for humility. Indeed, humility may be the value that actually underpins this lie if it regularly shows up for you.
Because you were told not to brag.
Not to outshine your siblings or your peers.
Not to rub others’ noses in your accomplishments.
Pride is a sin and all that…
But there’s a difference between not bragging — and not acknowledging your achievements.
Between boasting and accepting a compliment.
Between showing off and showing up in all your brilliance.
And when you take a moment to look inside, I bet you can tell the difference immediately.
How distrusting praise might manifest:
Depending on which of the six behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex you most often experience, you might experience the self-doubt of Lie #10 like this:
If you’re a people-pleaser, we think people are complimenting us just because they LIKE us… not because we are skilled, talented, or excellent at what we do. (This is the double-bind of the Imposter Complex in technicolour.)
If you have leaky boundaries, you may live and die by the words of others — which means that even if 99.9% of people praise you, you might be fixated on the 0.1% who don’t.
If you tend to compare, the praise of others won’t match up to the impossible standards you’ve set by looking at what others have accomplished.
If you’re a perfectionist, you’ll immediately discount others’ praise because they can’t see the flaws that you can see.
If you’re a procrastinator, you may discount the compliment because “they” clearly can’t see all the time and struggle that you went through to get to the endpoint. OR, because you procrastinated and didn’t end up producing your best work, then “they” clearly don’t have high enough standards for you to feel any merit in the acknowledgment. (On this one, I had a ton of help from folks in my FB Group. Join us there for great discussions like this.)
If you tend to diminish, you’ll be intimately familiar with this one. Just because someone else tells you something is good, doesn’t mean it actually is...
I get it. I really do.
But can you also, just for a moment. hold this possibility: that they are really and truly reflecting back what they see? A competent. capable, smart (and funny… did you know that you are funny?) individual with so very much to offer?
I like to start small with this one. The next time someone pays you a compliment — on your hair, your outfit, your shoes, your home, whatever — can you simply say thank you and let it wash over you?
Can you avoid the pull to say “What, this old thing?” or tell them how you need a haircut / got it on sale / haven’t finished painting the deck?
Can you accept their acknowledgment as the gift it was intended to be?
Dare to believe someone when they tell you how remarkable you truly are.
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.
Lie of the Imposter Complex #9: It's Just a Matter of Time Before This All Crumbles
The best and brightest of us can fall prey to this lie of the Imposter Complex.
(By the way, here’s why we like to say Imposter Complex instead of Imposter Syndrome).
Because this one shows up when we're nice and relaxed. Serene. even.
We feel a bout of gratitude for how good life is. The partner, the job, the income, the health, the beautiful house of David Byrne's existential lament, and then we perk up, realizing that we have committed the sin of letting our guard down.
We've jinxed ourselves with our mini-celebration.
Most assuredly, the other shoe is about to drop. We stop breathing. We stop appreciating. And we panic. And lay low.
Exactly where our Imposter Complex likes us to be.
I always remember this story and essay from Bréne Brown when I think of Lie #9.
I used to stand over my two kids while they slept, and just as a profound sense of love and joy washed over me, I'd imagine horrible things happening to them: car crashes, tsunamis. "Do other mothers do this," I'd wonder, "or am I unhinged?" I now know from my research that 95 percent of parents can relate to my constant disaster planning. When we're overwhelmed by love, we feel vulnerable—so we dress-rehearse tragedy.
And that vulnerability — that overwhelm — is where the Imposter Complex takes over, and that dress rehearsing is how it keeps us alone and isolated, doubting our capacity, and out of action.
How this fear of (inevitable) failure might manifest:
Depending on which of the six behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex you most often experience, you might experience the self-doubt of Lie #9 a little differently:
If you’re a people-pleaser, you might start imagining how you’re letting people down, disappointing people, or otherwise NOT people pleasing in your current situation, which will convince you that the good stuff is not sustainable.
If you have leaky boundaries, any suggestion from anyone that you should be doing something more, something less, something different will have you questioning everything.
If you tend to compare, you might be “inspired” to worry by stories of tragedy you see in the news, on social media, through friends and family, etc.
If you’re a perfectionist, you’ll start finding fault with your beautiful life the minute it seems too beautiful.
If you’re a procrastinator, this worry that things are about to fall apart will serve as an iron-clad reason to procrastinate (or continue to procrastinate).
If you tend to diminish, this lie is likely very familiar to you. You’re most likely to discount your success and decide that it’s only temporary.
But I wonder:
How good will you allow this all to be?
(It's up to you. you know.)
This is not to say that bad things never happen. Of course they do. We see proof of it every day. More proof than we need.
Rather, I want you to consider, what if the bad things weren’t inevitable?
What if those things you dread are the outliers?
What if you’re creating suffering for yourself rather than insulating yourself against it?
The data has my back on this. Research has shown that 85% of what we worry about never actually happens.
So the next time the Imposter Complex has you worrying that everything you’ve built, achieved, and cherish is about to crumble beneath you, I want you to ask yourself:
What if the other shoe wasn't about to drop?
Click here for my free training:
Five ICONIC shifts leaders use to overcome Imposter Complex.